Why can't I stop being such a romantic?!

I'm not sure if I am actually looking for advice here, or maybe just to share stories with fellow romantics like me. But, I would certainly LOVE advice if anybody who has been through this has some advice.

All my life, I have been such a big romantic. A hopeless romantic, even. I am in love with the idea of falling in love. Part of me feels like I was made to be in a relationship.

All the same, I've also always been strangely very grounded and realistic about it. I can have a crush on a girl and still know, in the back of my head, that if I actually got up the nerve to talk to her/ask her out, she could very well be completely nothing like what I thought she was. I can see an attractive girl, and wish I could talk to her, or she'd talk to me, or somehow we'd have one of those crazy romantic moments you see in movies and TV even though you know they don't really happen in real life.... and yet intellectually I still know that she is probably just some random person I will never talk to or even see again.

Even so, my logical side doesn't change the fact that I am such a hopeless romantic. There was a time when I thought I was finally done with all that, and finally able to actually put that part of me to good use. Yeah... well, turns out my "Disney Princess" was actually the Wicked Witch all along. LOL! And, yes I am half-kidding. I DO NOT expect (and quite honestly wouldn't want) to find somebody perfect. Perfect does not exist.

Now that I am finally out of that relationship, and starting to move on, that long buried part of me is starting to come back to life. Honestly... to some degree it is starting to drive me crazy. I hate it! For those of you familiar with the show "How I Met Your Mother" I am practically Ted Mosby. It is like every girl I find attractive, I find myself wishing she'd come up and talk to me, or we'd somehow hit it off and I could ask her out or something. I see some friend of a friend on Facebook or something, and she seems like somebody who has a lot in common with me, and suddenly I find myself wishing I could meet her.

Mind you, I'm not obsessive, or anything. I am very logical about it. But, it still drives me freaking crazy. It is kind of like wanting love so badly on a constant basis only to constantly realize it just ain't gonna happen. Has anybody else been like this? How do you turn it the HELL off?! Some day I would like to meet a girl and fall in love. Find the true girl of my dreams. But, until then couldn't my mind shut the Heck up and stop constantly wanting it to happen?

I have the same problem, I'm also an incurable hopeless romantic, and i like to think that is a good thing, there doesn't seem to be many of us.

Sounds like you're scared and lazy. Stop thinking and start asking.

It's not being a hopeless romantic, everyone wants to have someone special in their lives. I'm 35 and that feeling never goes away. You seriously need to get over your fear of talking to a girl though...you can't just hope SHE'LL come and talk to you, grow some balls and say hi. I just met this guy over the weekend, he was hitting on me and I ended up telling him I wasn't interested, but at least he TRIED. You need to do the same.

What's the worse that can happen...she'd say "no". Try aproaching, it's really not that bad. All you need to do is start with a "hello". Not asking out a complete stranger right off the bat. Most people want to meet the love of their life, I don't think that's being a hopeless romantic. But you need to open up more and not expect the female to walk up to you all the time.

The question you should ask yourself is "Why can't I stop being such a whimp?" There is nothing wrong with being a romantic. There are plenty of girls who are also hopelessly romantic, dreaming of the day they will meet Prince charming. And you might be the one for them, but nothing will happen if you don't act. The only difference between fantasy and reality is that it takes more than just love to win the girl's heart. You have to improve other aspects of you life as well, like having a good career, social life, interesting hobbies and interests, and staying in shape. If you want the girl of your dreams, first you have to be the man of her dreams.

Thank you to those of you with CONSTRUCTIVE feedback. For the record, my question here is not so much about how to talk to women. Also, for the record, I HAVE finally resolved myself to learning to make the first move. Just sort of not in a place in my life where I am ready yet. That is kind of what I am talking about here. I want my brain to shut the Hell up for a while. LOL!

However, that doesn't mean it is as easy as some of you are making it seem. Telling somebody to "grow some balls" or calling them a "whimp" is not helping. :-) Were it actually worth my time, I would happily recommend you say that to my face and learn who the whimp really is. ;-) But, I'm only half serious. LOL! I get that people are just trying to help, but you need to understand you are sadly over-simplifying things.

So, thank you to those of you with helpful advice. Once I am at a place (and that is coming very soon) where I feel I am ready to move on from my relationship, I am determined to finally start to get over all this crap that has held me back in life. As a matter of fact, I honestly feel nearly 100% ready now. I'd just sort of like to have my divorce finalized before I go about re-entering the dating scene. I mean, if it seemed that was going to drag on, I may stop waiting. But, ideally, I would like to not have to still be technically married while trying to re-start my search for my dream girl.

I do want to say one thing...

No hard feelings to anybody. I know some of you are trying to give tough love type advice, and I appreciate that you mean to help. But, before you start giving advice to others, you need to realize how badly you are over-simplifying things. Some of you are giving advice that basically amounts to "Stop being so shy." That is like telling a drug addict "Stop being addicted." LOL! Maybe some of you have never suffered through being as extremely shy as some of us on this board have. The fact of the matter is, for people who are extremely shy like us, that will NEVER change. What CAN change is the way you react to it. Hence why, as I said, I am determined to finally start making those steps on my own. Giving advice that basically amounts to "stop being shy" is not helpful. Trust me. We hear that crap all the time. If it were that easy, don't you think we'd do just that?

Amen brother! I love that show How I Met Your Mother and really identify a lot with it. I am a lot like you a hopeless romantic and very logical person. I am not shy, but I do completely understand your search for love being 32 and recently single again (ended a 6 month relationship a few weeks ago). To me it seems much harder to put myself other there like I did when I was a little younger in college/grad school. It is also harder to find a woman who is compatable with you because as we get older our checklist of what we seek has way more stuff on it.

Seems to me like you are in a good place, get that divorce settled, do something for yourself, and then get back out there!

Thanks, bro! I appreciate it. :-) Also great to finally meet a fellow How I Met Your Mother fan here. I keep going on and on about the show, but it doesn't seem like anybody else is all that interested. LOL! Honestly, it is funny, but I can relate myself so much to that show.

As I have said many times before, I am basically Ted Mosby. At least as it relates to his love of love, and constant search for his soulmate.

But, funny enough, I can also relate to that show in that what I WANT to be is Lilly and Marshall. LOL! When I think about what I want in a relationship, THAT is what I want. Lilly and Marshall. They are so very much in love, and are virtually inseparable. All the same, it isn't like they actually are LITERALLY inseparable. There have been plenty of times when Lilly and Robin hang out separately, or Ted, Marshall, and Barney hang out separately. So, they CAN be apart (they aren't one of THOSE couples who nobody likes because they can NEVER be apart), but they don't necessarily want to be, as much as they can help it. That, and they compliment each other so perfectly. They are both so wonderfully goofy, which I absolutely love.

Anyways, blah blah blah. LOL! I could go on and on about that show.

Thank you for the words of encouragement. ;-) Good advice. And, really, I am just about at a point when I am ready to get back out there.

Also a massive fan of that show and find Ted very easy to relate and want the kind of relationship that Lily and Marshall want , and just like him i want to find the right one now. clearly you are at a better point than me, but then again you are older. you just need to get yourself out there more or that is what i say to myself all the time.

I share your problem. I think it's a part of being a pleaser in a relationship, maybe because you just want to please them for the possible reward you'll get from it... or because you simply want to make them happy.

for me, I'm a romantic and a pleaser because I just want to make that special someone happy.. but it doesn't always give the results you'd hope in a relationship.

All right, FAndrews! Beginning to think more and more that you and I were separated at birth. LOL!

Cbud, I know just what you mean. I have that too. When I am in a relationship (heck, even at times with just a friendship) I aim to please. The problem guys like us can fall into way too easily is when that gets taken advantage of in a relationship. That was one of my biggest mistakes with my mistake of a relationship. I always felt like I was bending over backwards to make her happy, and she was too selfish to do a damn thing for anybody who wasn't her. There has to be compromises in every relationship. Granted, I'm not talking huge compromises. If there are huge compromises, then maybe the two people aren't supposed to be together in the first place. But, every relationship comes with a little compromise. When one party is completely unwilling/incapable of compromise, it is bad enough. Couple that with guys like us who tend to be people pleasers and you can see where that gets dangerous for us. I learned that the hard way before and will never make that mistake again.

Wow....another pleaser here too...lol. I believe in treating people how I would like to be treated. But, we have to remember there has to be a give and take and a relationship is suppose to be a partnership. It is easy for that to get away from us.

Prior to my last 6 month relationship I was with my exex GF for almost 5 years. It was tough getting back out there after that. I met a few women, but nothing to date seriously. I decided to join Match for a bit and met my ex through there. Nice woman, pleaser, and fun. But, had major baggage, emotional damage, and just a little bit crazy. She was just a too uneven for me, as I am easy going guy.

It is hard, so many women in my age range just have so much baggage and past assholes who have messed them up.

Sad but true, it seems you need to be realistic, but then again I'm a head-over-heels kind of guys :) and will always be a romantic, i always like helping and making people happy kind of guy, probably why I'm in care work! 'Treat people how you want them to treat you' is one of the sayings i live by.

Definitely agree with the above post.

I've been reading this thread with interest. I'm wondering if you would be interested in some observations from someone who has a different approach to the world.

First, you've all been discussing "treating people how you'd like to be treated". Have you ever considered that this is flawed logic? Why is it flawed? Because we're not all the same and we all want different things in life. Sure, everyone talks about wanting to be loved and respected - but if you break these concepts down, the definitions will vary from person to person. For example, look at the five love languages: one person may show love through physical contact but their partner shows love via compliments.

I would suggest that "treat people how THEY want to be treated" is a far better path to a good relationship. Of course, you must only accept appropriate behaviour in return.

Also, there's been discussion about being a 'pleaser'. Do you know that this whole pleasing thing can go too far and end up incredibly boring? I know my hubby dumped the woman before me because she was too much a 'pleaser' and I know I couldn't date someone like that either.

Thing is, it's lovely for you to say "you've had such a busy week, let me take you to dinner at x this weekend". But if you're the type of pleaser who only wants to do what makes me happy, then it's too much. You see, I want someone who has opinions, even if those opinions are different to mine. I want to have give and take. I want someone who will say "no" to me. I want someone who can plan and make decisions without deferring to what may make me happy. Most of all, I don't want to hear "whatever makes you happy dear".

In short, it's lovely to make someone happy....but not at the expense of your own opinions, wants and needs. Then you just become really dull.

Thanks for that, that does make a lot of sense, its nice to hear an alternative opinion on this and i find it quite useful, definitely food for thought.

Basil,

I certainly cannot speak for my fellow pleasers, but I sure as Hell am not a "pleaser" to the extreme you are describing above. If you know anybody who is, I sure as heck feel pretty damn sorry for them. LOL! Who the heck is not capable of having their own opinions? I, for one, do tend to put other people's first (you know, people close to me, anyway), but I am also still capable of having my own opinion, and saying "No" when needed. I don't think I could stand somebody like that either.

Or you know what is even worse? Fake pleasers. What is that? Somebody who pretends to go out of their way to make you happy (let you do what you want, or whatever) but you can tell they aren't sincere in it. For example, you are going to watch a movie and ask what they want to watch. They say whatever you want. When you press, they insist, so you pick something. Then, they very obviously have absolutely zero interest in even giving your movie a try. ...So why didn't you just pick something when I asked you so maybe we'd both enjoy it?! ARRGH! LOL!

I do think your "treat others how THEY wanted to be treated" is very good and unique advice. Thank you for that. ;-) That is really cool, actually. Never thought of that,

Glad you're not a pleaser to the degree I described above. May I throw another word out there? "Thoughtful".

Rather than being a 'pleaser' (which can have negative connotations), I wonder if you are simply 'thoughtful. It may be semantics, but semantics can make a difference to perception.

Love has grown and spread like a benevolent disease within your heart and soul!

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Originally Posted by basilandthyme [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Glad you're not a pleaser to the degree I described above. May I throw another word out there? "Thoughtful".

Rather than being a 'pleaser' (which can have negative connotations), I wonder if you are simply 'thoughtful. It may be semantics, but semantics can make a difference to perception.

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Thoughtful is actually probably a better way to describe it. Thank you. I like that.

By the way, Jimlin,

I like the way you worded that. LOL!

I don't know how many of these replies are from girls but to the men replying, there are plenty of us girls that love romance and I wish more men were able to show, feel and share romance the way you guys are on this thread. I love romance, giving love and getting it back, there is no greater feeling in the world in my opinion. I'm a head over heels kind of girl and think that feeling that comes with love is just amazing.

It is like a disease just got to find someone to spread it to! and yes thoughtful is much better way of describing it than 'pleaser' as I'm often described as a thoughtful person :)

You don't have to stop being a romantic, the right woman will appreciate the romance. You may want to curb the idealization, though. You know how in some movies, they make a mockery of the woman who has met a guy for all of 10 minutes and it already imagining the wedding? She's not in love with him, she doesn't know much about him (other than the fact that he's 'cute' or 'hot') - she's in love with the idea.

Problem with that, for me, is that's it's not particularly genuine...it's like the fantasy takes center stage and the woman is just dropped 'into' the scene. Rather, try meeting someone first, get to know them...and then drop the romance into that scene, rather than vice versa. If that makes sense?

Being thoughtful is a great trait...a 'pleaser' just sounds like some sort of fetish. For example, I couldn't go see a movie that I knew my partner had no interest in. I wouldn't enjoy it...instead, we find mutually enjoyable movies. If there's some crappy horror I want to watch (which he hates), I do so without him. I don't think I'm a pleaser as such, just considerate.

Some of the best and most romantic love poetry has been written by poets who experienced a deep/meaningful love for someone...that's when romance goes from cheesy to truly touching. Their feelings for someone created the romance, rather than the other way around.

Bessie, you are totally like my girl bro here. LOL! You sound a lot like me. Join our little club of romantics here in this thread. :-) Join us! Join us!!! JOIN US!!!! LOL! Anyways, I truly do hope to some day find the girl who appreciates that side of me, and gives it right back.

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Originally Posted by TablesandChairs [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You don't have to stop being a romantic, the right woman will appreciate the romance. You may want to curb the idealization, though. You know how in some movies, they make a mockery of the woman who has met a guy for all of 10 minutes and it already imagining the wedding? She's not in love with him, she doesn't know much about him (other than the fact that he's 'cute' or 'hot') - she's in love with the idea.

Problem with that, for me, is that's it's not particularly genuine...it's like the fantasy takes center stage and the woman is just dropped 'into' the scene. Rather, try meeting someone first, get to know them...and then drop the romance into that scene, rather than vice versa. If that makes sense?

Being thoughtful is a great trait...a 'pleaser' just sounds like some sort of fetish. For example, I couldn't go see a movie that I knew my partner had no interest in. I wouldn't enjoy it...instead, we find mutually enjoyable movies. If there's some crappy horror I want to watch (which he hates), I do so without him. I don't think I'm a pleaser as such, just considerate.

Some of the best and most romantic love poetry has been written by poets who experienced a deep/meaningful love for someone...that's when romance goes from cheesy to truly touching. Their feelings for someone created the romance, rather than the other way around.

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TablesandChairs,

You definitely make some great points. I can't speak for any of my fellow romantics, but I've also always been bizarrely realistic about it. In other words, because of the romantic in me, I can't help but feel in my heart like every crush I have, or even every girl I notice for one reason or another could be "the one." However, it isn't like I obsessively think they actually ARE the one. Hypothetical situation, say I got a crush on a girl, actually got up the nerve to ask her out, she said yes, we hit it off, etc. etc. My heart would, I'm sure, be screaming "SHE'S THE ONE! THIS IS GREAT!" But my head would know that I can't put the cart ahead of the horse, so to speak. So, I would take things appropriately slowly.

And, happily, I can say that is 100% true from experience. As far as my mistake of a marriage goes, long story short, she either was or pretended to be somebody 100% different from who she was in our marriage. So, back when we started as friends, by the time we started dating, we were so much in love that it felt like she was "the one." Not too long after we started dating, we felt like we were practically married, that is how sure we were. Even so, my method of thinking has always been, if it is truly meant to be, then in time I will only fele it even more so. So, no harm in waiting a little while. Hence, we were actually together for around 3 years before I actually popped the question. Why? Because in my head I knew that if it was truly meant to be, nothing would change if I gave it time. But, what if I rushed things only to find out later that it was a mistake?

Of course, there are no guarantees in life, hence why I am still where I am now. Though, honestly, I thank God every day that I am out of that relationship now. Now, some day I just hope to find my true soulmate.

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Originally Posted by TheEvilJester [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I can't speak for any of my fellow romantics, but I've also always been bizarrely realistic about it. In other words, because of the romantic in me, I can't help but feel in my heart like every crush I have, or even every girl I notice for one reason or another could be "the one." However, it isn't like I obsessively think they actually ARE the one. Hypothetical situation, say I got a crush on a girl, actually got up the nerve to ask her out, she said yes, we hit it off, etc. etc. My heart would, I'm sure, be screaming "SHE'S THE ONE! THIS IS GREAT!" But my head would know that I can't put the cart ahead of the horse, so to speak. So, I would take things appropriately slowly.

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Jester, are you aware that what you've describe above is what the majority of people feel in a new relationship? You've just described the honeymoon stage perfectly. But you also have the sense to temper that excitement till you know what is real and what isn't.

I'm not seeing anything unusual about you at all.

What's wrong with being a romantic? It just means that when you do meet your 'one and only', you'll be blissfully happy.

And yeah as JenAlexisLuv said, you do need to get over your fear of asking. You can't win if you don't play.

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Originally Posted by basilandthyme [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I've been reading this thread with interest. I'm wondering if you would be interested in some observations from someone who has a different approach to the world.

First, you've all been discussing "treating people how you'd like to be treated". Have you ever considered that this is flawed logic? Why is it flawed? Because we're not all the same and we all want different things in life. Sure, everyone talks about wanting to be loved and respected - but if you break these concepts down, the definitions will vary from person to person. For example, look at the five love languages: one person may show love through physical contact but their partner shows love via compliments.

I would suggest that "treat people how THEY want to be treated" is a far better path to a good relationship. Of course, you must only accept appropriate behaviour in return.

Also, there's been discussion about being a 'pleaser'. Do you know that this whole pleasing thing can go too far and end up incredibly boring? I know my hubby dumped the woman before me because she was too much a 'pleaser' and I know I couldn't date someone like that either.

Thing is, it's lovely for you to say "you've had such a busy week, let me take you to dinner at x this weekend". But if you're the type of pleaser who only wants to do what makes me happy, then it's too much. You see, I want someone who has opinions, even if those opinions are different to mine. I want to have give and take. I want someone who will say "no" to me. I want someone who can plan and make decisions without deferring to what may make me happy. Most of all, I don't want to hear "whatever makes you happy dear".

In short, it's lovely to make someone happy....but not at the expense of your own opinions, wants and needs. Then you just become really dull.

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Well that is just logical. I always try to put myself in the other person's shoes and I think about not just about what I want, but what my GF would want. Plus, I may be a pleaser but I damn sure have an opinion (I'm quite an outspoken guy actually) and make my feelings known. My problem has never been keeping women interested, my problem is finding someone to keep me interested. Just so many shallow people out there that lack substance or are just plain damaged. But, I remain positive none the less and I'm sure there is a good woman out there for me.

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Originally Posted by basilandthyme [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Jester, are you aware that what you've describe above is what the majority of people feel in a new relationship? You've just described the honeymoon stage perfectly. But you also have the sense to temper that excitement till you know what is real and what isn't.

I'm not seeing anything unusual about you at all.

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Ummm..... Okay....

How about this....

I have loud arguments with the voices while in public. I insist on starting every single sentence with the phrase "As I heard on Oprah..." I once wrestled a bear to submission to save the lives of countless campers.... until I realized it had been a tree all along. (Was wondering why I was getting such strange looks for my heroics.) I took the song "I Believe I Can Fly" a little too literally. Luckily, I was okay and no injuries.... but I can't say the same for the poor fellow who broke my fall. :-(

LOL! So... as you can probably guess, most of that is not true. What is true is that I have a very bizarre sense of humor, and simply could not resist that easy target. LOL!

Don't worry mate, there is no such thing as a normal person in my opinion, we all have our quirks ;) some more than others, weird is good!

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Originally Posted by FAndrews [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Don't worry mate, there is no such thing as a normal person in my opinion, we all have our quirks ;) some more than others, weird is good!

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That's what some of the voices say. :-) Others just shout hateful, mean, and violent things. Still others just shout nonsense.

...

And one of them speaks Spanish, so I actually can't understand a word he is saying. :-D

I heard a voice the other day saying "Get out!" and I got worried. Then I realized it was just the voices in my head yelling at the new guy.

Why can't they all just get along? ;-)

(P.S. Tried to post this already and it didn't show up. Weird)

LOL, glad I'm not the only one ;) its best not to listen too closely to them, especially the negative ones!

[QUOTE=TheEvilJester;950441]Bessie, you are totally like my girl bro here. LOL! You sound a lot like me. Join our little club of romantics here in this thread. :-) Join us! Join us!!! JOIN US!!!! LOL! Anyways, I truly do hope to some day find the girl who appreciates that side of me, and gives it right back.

Evil

I am totally your girl bro, I have joined the dark side!!

You will someday find a girl who loves you for you, appreciates everything about you and thinks you are the greatest thing that ever walked the earth in her direction.

I think bessieb, all us romantics dream and hope for that day :)

I think FAandrews, I totally, fully and wholeheartedly agree with you lol!!

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Originally Posted by Cbud92 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

for me, I'm a romantic and a pleaser because I just want to make that special someone happy.. but it doesn't always give the results you'd hope in a relationship.

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I agree with Chud.

The best that you can do is to remain true to yourself.

[QUOTE=bessieb;950989]

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Originally Posted by TheEvilJester [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Bessie, you are totally like my girl bro here. LOL! You sound a lot like me. Join our little club of romantics here in this thread. :-) Join us! Join us!!! JOIN US!!!! LOL! Anyways, I truly do hope to some day find the girl who appreciates that side of me, and gives it right back.

Evil

I am totally your girl bro, I have joined the dark side!!

You will someday find a girl who loves you for you, appreciates everything about you and thinks you are the greatest thing that ever walked the earth in her direction.

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Good for you for joining. We have really good cookies on the Dark Side. :-) LOL!

And, I certainly hope you are right. And I would also say, right back at ya. ;-)