Recently divorced man who's confused...

Hello, I'm a first time user who would really appreciate some feedback.

I'm a recently divorced man, who was always faithful to his ex-wife.
During the time of my marriage and throughout my divorce i had a female co-worker / friend who had always been there for me and expressed interest in me.
Throughout the ordeal of my divorce she was always there and listened to my problems. We would spend lunch hours together, text and even go places together on the weekends. During the time (even when I was married) many co-workers and friends told me to be wary as she (according to them) liked me more than a friend. At our last Christmas party she had a few drinks and came on to me and I did not encourage it but I did grow to have strong feeling for her.
Recently my divorce was finalized and I had a conversation with her, during this conversation I expressed to her that I had strong feelings for her but that I wasn't ready to get involved right away. My intention was to slowly build up to something over time. After I had said this she didn't seem to react and we continued to see each other. About 2 weeks ago I was speaking to one of my co-workers who told me that she was dating another man... naturally i was a bit taken aback and hurt... I didn't know how react so I pulled away. When she confronted me about it I told her I was disappointed that she didn't tell me she was dating someone after I told her how I felt (granted we were not exclusive or dating at the time but I felt she should have mentioned something). I told her at that point that I needed to put some distance between us as I was confused and hurt... That didn't go so well... She instantly said "That's how it is with you men... all or nothing" which confused me even more what did she mean by that?
Now she seems more distant than ever and things are a bit awkward...

I like her but I don't know how to fix this? Was I completely wrong in my reaction? Does she see me as "just a friend"? Was the fact that I showed my weaker side and emotions during the divorce perhaps change the way she views me?

Ive asked many people if I was just imagining this honestly and they all agree with me that she was clearly interested in me.

What can i do to get her to like me again?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Duplicate post

Can you not see that you were extremely interesting to her when you were unavailable and now that you are available you don't seem as interesting. There are many people like her (men and women) who find already taken people very enticing because it means they themselves don't have to commit as long as you can't.

The "all or nothing" comment is very telling about her inability to commit or her non-desire to at least.

She's a C*nt. Don't bother with her or anyone else right now. You need to come to terms with your divorce and figure out what could have been done differently so that you don't repeat mistakes. You've not given yourself enough time to do that yet.

Wakeup thank you very much for your advice. I sincerely appreciate it.

The divorce was quite telling and ill be honest with you when I say I'm somewhat cloudy on where and how to proceed at times.

Even though the divorce was messy i still havent lost faith that the right person is out there for me. I guess im just looking in the wrong places.

Thanks again,

It wasn't the most appropriate thing to offer you all that support while you were in the process of getting divorced, but who can blame her for wanting a relationship with someone who is ready for it?

You told her that you weren't ready for a relationship. Did you think she'd put her love life on hold waiting for you?

Valixy and basilandthyme thank you both for your input.
I really wanted a woman's opinion on the matter as well.

The truth is that I guess in my mind she would be willing to work with me and be patient enough to give me a bit of time.
I didn't want to lose her but i wasn't ready to jump into something again right away.
I sincerely intended on seeing her still and gradually getting more serious as we went... i always believed things came with time but i digress not all people see it that way.
I suppose what hurt the most was the fact that she hadn't told me that she was seeing someone, I felt like she should have told me from the start, I had opened up to her and i thought we had something good brewing. I suppose I was mistaken.

You are both completely right, i did say i wasn't ready for a relationship right away but I had to be honest, It's been a while but my divorce but it wasnt easy and it left me a bit tentative to jump back into the pool.

Many thanks again for your input.

I think she just wanted to have a good time and have positive emotions without being serious. As wakeup said, no oblications. So quess she wanted your attention and you to show her good time, short term relationship but she didnt wanted all of you. Once you divorced you became ready to be in long term relationship and looks like she didnt wanted it. Looks like the person who likes to get best of each person(cake) but dont get deep in complicated feelings.

Stay away from her & spend some time by yourself & heal. You were obviously not in the head space to jump back into something new.

Something else will come along one day, the timing isn't perfect for you n her by the sounds of it. The fact you are posting about your situation on a online forum says to me she has the potential to do your head in.


Good luck :)

smilling100 many thanks for your advice.

I agree, its too soon to get into something. Normally im of a much sounder mind but I'll be the first to admit I'm not seeing things as clearly as i should.

keeping distance was my initial first thought and i'm glad you see it the same way, though i must admit, I wasn't sure if in doing so I was the "Bad guy" which is not what I wanted to be but for my own mental well being I don't doubt its the right move.

Thanks again,

If someone of the opposite sex goes out of their way to help you/be there for you and your married-you should be very wary of them and tell them to get lost. Shes not wife/relationship material. Shes actually more like a spider trying to catch a fly. You can do better

michelle23 many thanks for your advice.

Like i mentioned, I wasn't in the best state of mind and should have been more cautious.

I wasn't thinking "is this person what I really want?" I believe I was more attracted to the fact that she had expressed interest during a time I was vulnerable.

She is rather attractive and many men like her and i believe i was attracted to her more for what she did for my ego rather than her as a person which is never a good thing and I can admit that.

I learned divorce no matter how good your intentions are is not an easy thing to go through and can leave you vulnerable.

I was at work today (as she works right in front of me) and I was courteous but not in the same manner as before.
I noticed she approached me and generally seemed to try to get me to spend time with her and socialize again (she wanted to have lunch with me) but I shied away.

I believe this is the best approach and with time she will catch on.

Once again michelle23 thank you kindly for your input.

This forum has been a very helpful tool, and has helped me to better understand my choices.

I thank you all for your candor and honesty.

Your welcome. Did this woman play a part in your divorce?

No not at all.

The circumstances of my divorce (as embarrassed as I am to admit it) was that my ex-wife was physically violent with me.
I couldn't stay in a marriage like that. Even after she went through therapy for her anger it still didn't change anything.

My marriage was in jeopardy long before she came into the picture.
I will admit however that she made me feel good about myself, and in all honesty she was often on my mind in when I was feeling down.
That being said I never made advances or did anything inappropriate as I hold myself to a higher standard than that.

Thanks again for you help!

Getting involved with someone shortly after divorce is called a "rebound relationship". They seldom last long.

With divorce itself - yeah it is tough at first. If only you had done one more thing to make it right. If only this or that happened...

You will find though that as you heal from it, you will notice life is more fun and peaceful without some burdensome spouse.

AnErin thank you for the advice.

It's odd that I don't feel a sense of "what I could have done differently" or things i could have changed... I felt more of a sense of failure.

Failure in the sense that I put my best foot forward and despite effort and the best of intentions it just never worked out...

Thank you for your post as it is sincerely appreciated.

It doesn't matter good you are in a relationship, it still doesn't entitle you or guarantee to have it work. Sometimes people just want a change, it's not always about finding something "better" so stop beating yourself up over it.

Woman here.

Goose, unfortunately and often many people of both sexes yearn for what they cannot have and once that is taken away and one becomes free and clear, the mystery is gone and they lose interest.
Good news?, consider it a screening device for unwanted relationships no matter how good they look in a skirt.

Bummer your heart is hurting a little but hey, take some time. You just got divorced. Reflect and embrace your new found singledom and don't allow those who just wish for a chase to tug at your heart strings. Hold out for quality.

and again, congrats on that screening device. Always beware of those who relish the chase but know not what to do once they have it.

Many thanks for your advice.

You're right. I need to take my time.

Often times life moves so quickly and i'm often scared it might pass me by, it's for this reason that I need to stop and evaluate my decisions more often.

A relationship with her would most likely have proven disastrous and im happy I avoided it.

Thanks again!

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Originally Posted by Canada Goose [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Many thanks for your advice.

You're right. I need to take my time.

Often times life moves so quickly and i'm often scared it might pass me by, it's for this reason that I need to stop and evaluate my decisions more often.

A relationship with her would most likely have proven disastrous and im happy I avoided it.

Thanks again!

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Hi. I hope you are doing better. I wanted to throw some insight in there as I am currently the woman in a very similar situation. My hope is that my story over the almost year may provide you insight for her. I do consider myself a little different because I have an uncanny way of understanding where other people are coming from. However, some times even understanding does not help minimize the hurt.

Last summer, I was friends with a couple who were struggling. The wife did somethings so immoral that I could no longer maintain our relationship and I was in the position to chose who I thought would make a better long term friend. She was emotionally abusive to him and I hoped that he and I could build a friendship (for the sake of the children who are also friends). It was a risk, but I knew I wanted nothing to do with her. She destroyed him, then toyed with him... all along just dragging it out and torturing this man. I helped and supported and listened as much as he would share.

Then one day, I realized my feelings were questionable as to whether or not they were still platonic. As a divorce' myself, I KNEW he had a long time to go before he would be able to offer his heart to me, if he were to ever be interested. I found myself struggling because once those feelings started, I was screwed and I KNEW IT. I used a few valid reasons and asked him to take the time to make sure he was ready to truly divorce and finish the process. They only thing to debate was the terms of the split custody they both agreed to. I needed the space (to be honest) to get a grip on my feelings that were far too soon. If I did not, the inevitable emotional roller coaster that he was oblivious to would have destroyed me. I was not willing to give myself permission to have feelings, but those darn things would not go away. The more I tried to suppress them, the stronger they got.

A few months later, still married, he showed up on my doorstep in the most vulnerable and hurt position I have ever seen. Of course, this was all around the holidays. He tried to reconcile, she strung him along.... the works. She finally left. Emotionally, I was doing ok, but I wanted to send him on his way to protect myself. However, he needed a friend and he felt I was the only one he could trust. I could not turn him away... he was hurting.

Over the last few months, what do you think happened to me? I have a whole heart, and he has just pieces left. I have fallen in love and try daily to suppress it. I slip up sometimes, but I know that we are no less than 6 months (probably much longer) before anything beyond a platonic relationship could even be attempted. The worst part is, it is painfully obviously that he BELIEVES he has feelings for me.

Less than a month ago, on a drunk night... we had a talk about feelings, initiated by him. I minimized my true feelings as to not scare him away, but he did not. That set my heart on turbo speed (no matter what I did to try to stop it) and he shut down and retreated. During this convo... we went from me dating to him telling me he would be jealous if I were to date, but he would never want to stop me. Recently, we had a talk about the talk that night. He shut down and shut me out. A day later, we clarified that he shut me out because he does BELIEVE he has feelings for me but he cannot offer me what I needed. Remember, I am still trying to get a grip on my feelings because he has a lot of healing to do and I will not be a rebound. Not if I want to keep him. So the only idea I could come up with is to continue dating. I can't seem to do it because I know it would hurt him. Yet, I feel that I need the distraction. Maybe dating someone who is emotionally available could be the right man for me. Certainly, it would provide me the emotional flattery and support that I am missing from my friendship with him. If I don't date, then I have ultimately decided to sit around and wait for someone whom may never love me. Talk about feeling like I am in between a rock and a hard spot. I am still working on making this decision as I do not want to hurt someone any more than he already is, yet I need to remember ME as well.

We do communicate relatively well. When he starts to tell me his feelings, I actually tell him not to. I know that at this stage in the divorce process, what he thinks he feels may change from moment to moment. I have known this the whole time. It still hurts sometimes, even though I have apparently decided to sign up for this roller coaster, cussing at myself the whole time. It's my choice and my own fault, not his.

As far as your lady, it seems like a little more clarification and understanding is required to really know what to do. I, personally, think she should have mentioned to you that she was dating. That could have been a "game" effort to make you jealous and realize that you care for her so you don't lose her. If that's the case, do you really want to start a new relationship like this? It could be that she thought that if she supported you the whole way, you would immediately be ready to love her and she was shocked that you still need time to heal. I believe that it could work out if both respect where each person is

Maybe the breakdown of my journey in this will help you realize a few directions that she might be feeling. Regardless, it sounds like you both could use a nice, honest conversation. Try to leave feelings of love out of it right now and discuss the friendship, trust, and what you both need out of the relationship for now. Maybe just that wonderful person to do things with, maybe more. But be careful to commit feelings too soon coming from you. One thing that my fellow has said to me, which I really like, is that he has a very strong emotional connection with me. He also makes a LOT of future plans and I seem to be in them for as far away as he can envision. That is enough for me (coupled with the clear love in the way he looks at me). Is it enough for her right now or do you really have more to offer? That is between the two of you. You both can google the emotional place of each of your position for guidance how to move forward and understand and respect each other, if you chose.

I hope this helps or at least broadens your visions. Good luck to both of you. ;-)

Divorce is not easy. You have a lot of healing to do. Don't worry about others. Take at least several months to relearn to enjoy all the beauty of the world and life. Most of all, be kind to yourself.