My husband cheats when on business trips...

Ok, where do I start?

My husband and I are in our 50s. Kids are grown and independent but two are still living with us. We both love our job. His takes him in many different countries on business. Our relationship had its ups and downs, just like everybody else. We’re at a point in our life where we should be able to enjoy our new found freedom, and we certainly have the financial freedom too… but 18 days ago I found out he’s having an affair with a young woman (28-30 year old approx.) from a country he visits on a regular basis.

Of course he said she means nothing to him and won’t see her again…

He wants us to go to counselling. He goes out of his way to be nice and thoughtful, he’s very focussed on our relationship, very much into ‘us’ at the moment.

Needless to say, the trust has gone out the window.

I feel he has everything here at home. Why did he stray??! I’m angry. I’m resentful. I always tried to be a good wife. I never got in the way of him playing hockey, golf, baseball, and always let him go fishing and hunting. I worked hard outside the home and I tried my best to be a good mother and good wife when at home.

The thing is, he’ll be travelling again to that country. It’s his job. Now what?

I feel lost. I haven’t told a soul. I feel I could burst at any moment.

Feedback please?

Thank you for your time!

Carrie Okey

First of all, I just want to say that Carrie Okey, I love your pseudo name...

Now let's get to your problem, the reason I got divorced was because my ex husband cheated and got caught the first time he did it (at least according to him it was his first time to cheat, a one night stand). I believe in the sanctity and preservation of marriage, but deep in my heart, I knew that cheating was something I could not live with. Even though I still loved him at that time, the trust was gone, he made me feel sick being around him and I couldn't stand the thought that he had sex with another woman. So, I filed for divorce... But then, that's just me and I was younger then and less tolerant. If it happened now, it might have been a different story.

Ask yourself what you can live with. Can you trust him again? Do you love him enough to let go of the past and move towards a better future and life with him?

In terms of his traveling, can he ask his company not to send him on a business trip in that country? I'm sure there is someone they can send to cover or replace him. If he can't, why don't you go with him?

I don't blame you for worrying. The woman he cheated with is still young and I'm pretty darn sure she's not after him for his good looks ( although your husband might actually be good looking) considering the age difference and the distance that makes the affair geographically undesirable. So, if she is after the money or a just a meal ticket to come to North America, I would suspect that she will throw herself over and over your husbands face. A man can only resist a certain degree of temptation.

My suggestion is for him to request not to travel in that place, and if not possible, go with him... That is only if you're willing to save your marriage.

He cheats because he is self entitled to have HIS secret life. Some feel it's ok as long as the spouse doesn't find out, you know "what they don't know won't hurt them". My suggestion would be to have your own cookie, well more like sausage on the side while he is out of town, hell why not? It just might make your marriage happier and more satisfying.

He's told you he wants to go to marriage councelling. Why don't you just do that and then make a decision based on how that turns out? Strangers opinions about what they'd do and not do won't help you to do anything without full emotional disclosure from the both of you in front of an impartial third party.

Wakeup, with due respect, no amount of counseling can ease the pain caused by a cheating husband. It is the ultimate betrayal that a married person can do to his/her spouse. Only time can heal the wound and sometimes, that can take a very long time. I know, because I have first hand experience with this.

It's even worst when you have kids together because it's a totally disrespectful thing to do to the the mother of his kids. Talking about confidence level being flushed down the toilet is an understatement.

She can go for counseling but as a woman scorned, I believe that it will put her more at ease if the husband was as far away as possible from the alleged mistress.

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Originally Posted by chinagirl [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Wakeup, with due respect, no amount of counseling can ease the pain caused by a cheating husband. It is the ultimate betrayal that a married person can do to his/her spouse. Only time can heal the wound and sometimes, that can take a very long time. I know, because I have first hand experience with this.

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All due respect back, China but that was your story and the Op may not be the same as you. Not everyone dissolves a marriage because of an infidelity. I know a couple that has bounced back from that and are really and truly happy now after having gone through the couples counceling route so all just depends on the individuals involved. No one said it would be easy but it is possible.

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It's even worst when you have kids together because it's a totally disrespectful thing to do to the the mother of his kids.

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No one said it wasn't. The couple we know has two.

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Talking about confidence level being flushed down the toilet is an understatement.

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Well, that is one of the things that their therapist will help Op with.

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She can go for counseling but as a woman scorned, I believe that it will put her more at ease if the husband was as far away as possible from the alleged mistress.

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I wasn't suggesting anything different, there.

Cheers

Wakeup-no disrespect meant but many couples "appear" happy but only they know what goes on behind closed doors and how they truly feel. Its easy to say "you can forgive" but doing it is a much harder thing entirely.

This man cheated because he could. And its probably not the first time. He probably chose to travel away from home in the hope he could get away with it. The real issue here is OP doesn't know if this is the first and last time or the 20th time coz hes thousands of miles away. And she doesnt know how long he has been lying to her.

OP its your life and your choice. You can try counselling if you want to try and save your marriage but if you do go that route, I would advice you to demand he gets a different job closer to home (no more travelling) coz you cant trust him when hes away. Also demand you both get tested for STD's.

Set your terms and have boundaries in place and if he wont do what it takes to try and save this-then I think you should consider walking away.

Im curious-did he suggest counselling as soon as you found out? If yes that makes me think he was prepared for this and thinks he can get away with easily.

I personally would be filing for divorce now but its your choice. Just remember there is a saying "fool me once, shame on you but fool me twice, shame on me

I would also consider the counseling, and hold off making a decision about what to do until afterwards. Breaking up a marriage when you are in your 50s isn't the same as doing it when you are in your 20s or 30s. It is entirely possible that at your age, you may end up single till you die, and trust me when I say, the pickings are slim in the dating world for men your age.

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Originally Posted by chinagirl [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

She's a woman Vashti, but good advice...

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She meant to say "for finding men your age".

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Originally Posted by michelle23 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Wakeup-no disrespect meant but many couples "appear" happy but only they know what goes on behind closed doors and how they truly feel. Its easy to say "you can forgive" but doing it is a much harder thing entirely.

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What has that got to do with the op going to counceling with her husband to help her to understand whether or not she can forgive?

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This man cheated because he could. And its probably not the first time. He probably chose to travel away from home in the hope he could get away with it. The real issue here is OP doesn't know if this is the first and last time or the 20th time coz hes thousands of miles away. And she doesnt know how long he has been lying to her.

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What has this got to do with Op going to counceling to figure out not only if they can continue on in their relationship after much discussion and learning tools to cope should she find she can't forgive?

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OP its your life and your choice. You can try counselling if you want to try and save your marriage but if you do go that route, I would advice you to demand he gets a different job closer to home (no more travelling) coz you cant trust him when hes away. Also demand you both get tested for STD's.

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You're not the first one to suggest this.

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Set your terms and have boundaries in place and if he wont do what it takes to try and save this-then I think you should consider walking away.

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Op: I suggest you listen to the advice of your marriage councelor and then decide what you should that will suite YOU best. Whatever that may be.

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Im curious-did he suggest counselling as soon as you found out? If yes that makes me think he was prepared for this and thinks he can get away with easily. I personally would be filing for divorce now but its your choice. Just remember there is a saying "fool me once, shame on you but fool me twice, shame on me

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There's that old baggage you carry around with you and your ego speaking for you once again.

Yes, it's up to you Op but do you honestly think you could just walk away without the help that a therapist will give you to cope if you can't find the counceling helping you to forgive? Even if you don't stay together, therapy will give you strength you're going to need to heal from all this.

Good luck.

I don't know you or your husband, of course, but I don't think you need to assume you did anything wrong. It's possible your husband loves you and cares about you, but gave into a situation that seemed like it would never come back to hurt you.

I'm not saying he's not a lying, cheating dirtbag---because maybe he is. I'm just saying it might be as simple as he was feeling old and this other person made him feel young and desirable, and he gave in to temptation because he was so far away. That doesn't make it ok in any way, but perhaps by nearly losing you he has learned how important you are to him. It's possible that in time this incident becomes ancient history.

For that to happen, though, it's his responsibility to not only make sure it doesn't happen again, but to figure out how to assure you that it isn't happening again. If he can't do that, I would assume it's not over. Whether that means a career change, taking you with him on the trips, or whatever, I don't know. But it's his problem to solve for you, and if he can't do it then I'd be assuming the worst.

**Edit**

Upon re-reading my reply, I'm afraid I'm not accounting for how hurt and disappointed you must feel right now. I'm sure you have a lot of anger and/or sadness to resolve, but I think it's important to take your time and move purposefully and cautiously with regards to a relationship as long as yours. I don't want you to think I'm suggesting you stay with someone who is willing to lie to you and hurt you emotionally. I just want you to know there are different ways this can play out, and they aren't all bad ones.

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

What has that got to do with the op going to counceling with her husband to help her to understand whether or not she can forgive?

What has this got to do with Op going to counceling to figure out not only if they can continue on in their relationship after much discussion and learning tools to cope should she find she can't forgive?

You're not the first one to suggest this.

Op: I suggest you listen to the advice of your marriage councelor and then decide what you should that will suite YOU best. Whatever that may be.

There's that old baggage you carry around with you and your ego speaking for you once again.

Yes, it's up to you Op but do you honestly think you could just walk away without the help that a therapist will give you to cope if you can't find the counceling helping you to forgive? Even if you don't stay together, therapy will give you strength you're going to need to heal from all this.

Good luck.

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I didn't say counselling is a bad idea. I said that couple you know may "appear" happy but you dont know whats going on within their marriage, their feelings, their mind. Many people live a lie and pretend all is fine to the outside world. Your come back at me was irrelevant to what I was saying.

You are one bitter, defensive bitch wakeup. You need to get a life

Oh boy.....

Needed to be said. Ive ignored the shitty comments for too long. So whatever

Occurrences of Michelle telling someone to get a life:

https://www.loveforum.net/threads/78611-Casual-Sex-For-Normal-People!!?p=879529#post879529
https://www.loveforum.net/threads/78708-Thinking-the-grass-is-greener?p=880026#post880026
https://www.loveforum.net/threads/83094-Have-you-ever-fantasized-about-someone-else?p=934150#post934150
https://www.loveforum.net/threads/88914-How-do-I-know-I-can-trust-him-now?p=978995#post978995
https://www.loveforum.net/threads/89017-Need-male-perspective?p=979699#post979699
https://www.loveforum.net/threads/86013-Please-rate-my-face-amp-body-out-of-10-)?p=955982#post955982
https://www.loveforum.net/threads/79540-Liar-liar?p=888853#post888853
https://www.loveforum.net/threads/83823-Retrograde-Jealousy?p=934805#post934805
https://www.loveforum.net/threads/89195-My-husband-cheats-when-on-business-trips?p=980980#post980980

That must have taken a lot of effort and searching lol. OCD much?

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You are one bitter, defensive bitch wakeup. You need to get a life

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I'm retired from a very lucrative and successful career and have the time to point out where you're narrow minded and being dumb and or sexist. Where do you work again? Why do You have so much time to be on here addressing me and when I respond get bitchy?

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I didn't say counselling is a bad idea.

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and I didn't say you said it was a bad idea. Stop being retarded on purpose its an annoying trait of yours.

Remind me next time I say "There's that old baggage you carry around with you and your ego speaking for you once again." I put "you dumb cunt" on the end of it.

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm retired from a very lucrative and successful career and have the time to point out where you're narrow minded and being dumb and or sexist. Where do you work again?

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Don't ever say that.

Don't ever do what?

Don't look down your nose at a someone in their 20s and under the stress of poverty, with a job, and flaunt your money. It's disgusting and classless.

Look at you. Someone as old as you are should know better.

My point... I have a ****ing life. But you're right, I should know better to argue with her. It's useless and quite disturbing all the gaslighting.

My apologies.

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Next time she calls me a bitch, I'll just call her a cunt and be done with it.

Oh **** off and get down of YOUR sanctimonious arse, Kingz... You just bragged yourself (good for you for having a life) and if someone is going to tell me "get a life and bitch" then I'm going to give it back.

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BTW... I don't think she'd care for you spreading it around that she's on the poverty line. You did that, not me.

Haha, I'm enjoying this too much.

I'll get off my pedestal now. Carry on.

Goof!

I'll take this opportunity to apologize to the Oposter and ask her if there is any updates and see how she is doing.

I don't care about her. Fu​ck the poster.

You know, I hate myself for laughing at that.

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I'll add that you're a bit of a wanker for deleting what you said in the post between my two up there that shows you bragging about your achievments.

I've been a bad waffle.

Wakeup you take every opportunity you can to belittle or criticize me in some way. I can even hear your high and mighty tone in your posts. I have ignored you for months. Now I am telling you to f**k off. Block me, ignore me-I really couldnt give a s**t. I have as much right to be here as you do and my opinion is just as important as yours so come down off your pedastal queen bee and go f**k yourself

for a woman your age, you would think you would be a bit more mature. Talk about holding a grudge

One thing though: to me cheating is UNFORGIVABLE because I expect the same loyalty that I give to my partner. That has nothing to do with ego. That is my values, morals and beliefs and my right so get that into your head and keep your nose out of my posts.

Thanks

Yessss, cat fight!

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Originally Posted by michelle23 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Wakeup you take every opportunity you can to belittle or criticize me in some way. I can even hear your high and mighty tone in your posts. I have ignored you for months. Now I am telling you to f**k off. Block me, ignore me-I really couldnt give a s**t. I have as much right to be here as you do and my opinion is just as important as yours so come down off your pedastal queen bee and go f**k yourself

for a woman your age, you would think you would be a bit more mature. Talk about holding a grudge

One thing though: to me cheating is UNFORGIVABLE because I expect the same loyalty that I give to my partner. That has nothing to do with ego. That is my values, morals and beliefs and my right so get that into your head and keep your nose out of my posts.

Thanks

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Dummy.... you addressed ME... I answered you. You **** off first, dear.

Lol I addressed you politely and made a relevant point. You came back with a load of irrelevant BS and insults. And the only part of my post meant for you was the first paragraph. The rest was for OP but like a dog with a bone, you made sure your point was put across an extra 3times.

Other people here have the same views and opinions as me on cheating but I dont see you targeting all their posts which is why I told you to f**k off.

I'm done with this thread now and done with you.

Well, I'll wave you goodbye then ...:emot96:

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Originally Posted by chinagirl [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

...pain caused by a cheating husband. It is the ultimate betrayal that a married person can do to his/her spouse. ...

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Actually, there are worse betrayals, ones that make extramarital sex look like child's play. The original poster needs to be very careful about making her next move, whether it be to forgive him, or to get rid of him.

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Actually, there are worse betrayals, ones that make extramarital sex look like child's play. The original poster needs to be very careful about making her next move, whether it be to forgive him, or to get rid of him.

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I was speaking based on my experience and to be honest, it was the most painful experience i had to go through in my life. Its like a torture i had to go through everyday playing out in my head what they did in the bedroom. For me, once married, sex is only to be shared between a husband and wife. Once the third person came in the picture, i felt like a reject not good enough for him anymore despite of what I've invested in the relationship. I felt dead and numb for awhile.

Pain is also relative. I can take a lot but pain caused by cheating is difficult to get through and the worst a spouse can inflict on a partner.

Like i've said, i was younger when it happened, i was less tolerant of the behavior, stubborn with too much pride and thought that i could do it on my own to which i did and I'm happier now of the choice i made. It eventually worked out for everybody.

But like Wake up said, that all depends on the person as to what choice to make.

I also agree with you Vashsti that the older the person is, the more difficult it will be to go through a divorce. If that happened to me now, i probably would have made a different choice. I would go for the counseling option since i've grown up and is more mature and tolerant now.

There is life after 50 though. A friend of my parents lost her partner 3 years ago and she is with a lovely man now. I disagree that shes doomed to be alone until she dies. That is just scaring her into making a decision. OP do what you feel is right

Good luck

The OP probably went to askthelove for advice. This thread turned into a shit show.

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Originally Posted by smackie9 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

The OP probably went to askthelove for advice. This thread turned into a shit show.

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Or maybe she left the husband and don't give a fvck anymore what we suggest for her to do...LOL!!! It's reality "internet" version.

divorce him

If you choose to leave him that is understandable. I would only say that while what he did was wrong and hurtful, he is human and all humans do make bad decisions now and then :-) I know that some men who enter their middle years seek out affairs for various reasons, whether it is in reaction to feeling old or an attempt to re-energize a boring routine in the bedroom. While you are full of righteous outrage and pain, realize that your husband probably really does love you. You have a lot of time and commitment invested in each other and you should weigh this before ending it after his transgression. Sure, your trust has taken a blow and will have to mend over time. No one ever claimed Marriage was easy, but the faithful don't run away the first time they suffer a bloody nose. They work together repair the damage and in doing so, become stronger for it.

This is of course only my 2 cents, for what it is worth.

hold your advice.....the OP is gone.