Going on A Date With Multiple Girls - Cheating?

This may seem like a silly question and the answer blatantly obvious to some, but it is something I'm generally unsure of.

When your dating - that is going on dates to see if there is something there, not actually in a relationship - is it considered cheating or wrong if you go on dates with multiple people?

I've only just started going on dates, which I've never done before, and have agreed to meet two girls (met one already, actually.) It didn't strike me until confirming time and venue with the second girl that going on dates with two girls at once might be wrong.

I'm not in an actual relationship with either, so is it still wrong? I've had one date with the first girl, if I have another with her but see the second, is that wrong? I'm really not sure how this works, is one supposed to be exclusive when dating as one is in an actual relationship?

Thanks in advance for any help.

That would actually depend on the situation. Are these dates simple meets to see if you wish with the person? Or are you romantically involved with each of these girls?
You need to find out if either one of these gals wants to date exclusively, or if they are also just testing waters.

I think for now you are fine since you just started seeing them and not yet sure how you feel about them. But once you make your desicion you should inform the other one. After all you don't want to have the reputation of a cheater

If you were exclusive with one of them then it would different. But you only had one date with one girl and haven't even met the other so no worries, dude. You're good to go.

If you are not in relationship with any either of them, you can date as many girls as you want. The idea of dating is to get to know someone and to find a girl that you are most compatible with and have chemistry with.

Now, if you are dating one girl on a regular basis, you might want to rethink about dating other girls.

You know... it's not as silly of a question as you may think. I know exactly how you feel. I kind of almost feel a little bit like I am doing something wrong when I do something like that. Heck, if I'm on one of those dating sites, and somebody actually responds back to my message, and we start to talk, I wonder if I am wrong to still continue to message other women that seem like we could be a possible match. LOL!

But, dating is just that. Dating does not imply you are exclusive. In fact, it would be a bit weird to expect that, or even ask that so early on. If you start to date one woman multiple times and really hit it off, then that is the time to talk about whether or not you two want to become exclusive. But, when you are just dating, it is perfectly okay to date more than one person. That is how you can get a chance to meet a few people and try to see who may or may not make a good match for you.

Trust me, though, I know how you feel. It is hard for me to tell myself that. When I actually find somebody who bothers to give me a chance and we seem to be hitting it off, I have to remind myself not to get too excited, and to still leave my options open. Otherwise, maybe the two of us won't hit it off enough to pursue a relationship, and I will have possibly missed out on somebody else I might have been able to meet in the meantime. Maybe they would have been somebody I could have hit it off with even more.

I believe it is still fair to assess your feelings post factum about whether or not the person was exclusive during the preliminary phases on their own accord without being formally requested and in the absence of implicit cues.

I think you should at the very least be upfront about it. Let all of the girls you are dating know that you are also dating other people.

Personally, I wouldn't want to date a guy that has another date planned with another woman. I would find it rude and disrespectful, like he's wasting my time and just playing around. But that's just me. I know many people wouldn't have a problem with it, especially not in the USA/Canada (based on what I've read on this forum).

I think it depends on how much you have invested in any of the women. Do you spend all day talking to one? I think it would only be a problem if you were investing a lot of time and effort on one girl, and then suddenly went on a date with another.

Not even close to being an issue

Oh yeah....regardless of what Sea says, don't come out and tell a girl you're dating around when on a date. Lol. That's a one way trip to the dugout.

As long as you're not committed, it's not a problem....it should be encouraged even. Let's say you love beach volley ball and you're dating a girl who has no interest in that. Wouldn't you want to date a girl who's into beach volleyball? Well you will never meet her unless you date different people right?

This goes for both sexes

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Originally Posted by surfhb [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Oh yeah....regardless of what Sea says, don't come out and tell a girl you're dating around when on a date. Lol. That's a one way trip to the dugout.

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Why, though? If it's not an issue, there should be no problem being upfront about it, right?

He should tell them before he even goes on a date with them that he's dating other people. Something like "Just thought you should know, I'm dating other people, just wanted to be honest about it". Then let the girl (or guy) decide if they still want to go on a date with them.

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Originally Posted by searock [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Why, though? If it's not an issue, there should be no problem being upfront about it, right?

He should tell them before he even goes on a date with them that he's dating other people. Something like "Just thought you should know, I'm dating other people, just wanted to be honest about it". Then let the girl (or guy) decide if they still want to go on a date with them.

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I agree with this from two points of view.

1. It is fair to the other person and respects their feelings as well as their integrity.
2. You should not be judged for it a second time (i.e. later in the relationship) if a fair conclusion and course of action was arrived at during the first judgement <en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double_jeopardy>

I would bring it up if I were asked. But just coming out during a date and saying you're dating around is not the best way to keep a girls interest....especially since it's none of her business anyway.

Once there's a relationship going then that's different of course

If it's a simple date why would this topic come up in the first place.

Btw.....it doesn't take that many dates to determine if a person is someone you want to care exclusively anyway

No, if you're not exclusive with either one, it's not cheating.

The best policy though, is still honesty. Tell them you're dating around... tell them that if you want to be exclusive that you'll make that clear when the time comes, and if they want to be exclusive, they should be clear with you.

Always wear a condom.

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Originally Posted by surfhb [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I would bring it up if I were asked. But just coming out during a date and saying you're dating around is not the best way to keep a girls interest....especially since it's none of her business anyway.

Once there's a relationship going then that's different of course

If it's a simple date why would this topic come up in the first place.

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I agree that it would make little sense to just blurt it out during the date. One should tell them before the date, so it's out in the open and in case things get serious, there won't be any unpleasant surprise.

If it's no big deal, the girl (or guy) won't be bothered by it and will appreciate the honesty.

Are both these women strangers that you have no feelings for? If yes, then its not really a "date".. its more of a "getting to know you over coffee".. but I do think if you agree to a third date then surely its because you like her.. so then I think its time to stop playing games and invest yourself more.

Ive never multiple dated-its really not for me and I dont see the point other than people who are afraid to invest themselves emotionally or commit and feel the need for a backup plan. Id probably get confused too and mix up their names or something we talked about.. I went on a date once with a guy who got my name wrong so I got out of his car and said goodbye..

Its just too messy and too complicated for me. Lol

Um no, michelle... a date is when you set a 'date' with someone you might be romantically interested in, and go on it.

I agree- go forth and see what happens. But don't lead either on; just be up front about how you feel about them if you go on multiple dates. If you like the one and the other is more of a friend-type to you, don't feel obligated to keep seeing the one you view as more of a friend.

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Originally Posted by surfhb [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I would bring it up if I were asked. But just coming out during a date and saying you're dating around is not the best way to keep a girls interest....especially since it's none of her business anyway.

Once there's a relationship going then that's different of course

If it's a simple date why would this topic come up in the first place.

Btw.....it doesn't take that many dates to determine if a person is someone you want to care exclusively anyway

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The thing is, you can define relationship a thousand ways.

One valid interpretation is that once a date is requested, a formal relationship officially begins... even if the status is 'newly met acquaintances'. At this point in time, if there is any potential for progress into romantic territory then it absolutely is the business of the other person to be made aware of whomever else you're seeing or at least that you are seeing others. If you fail to do this (inform them both), then it is blatant disregard for the possibility that your new acquaintance has strong feelings on this subject and you immediately put them in an inferior position. They should have the right to not be duped like this. That is why I mentioned 'integrity' in a previous post.

In addition to this, and in reference to my other previous post ... in plain English this time: If you date both without telling them both and commence a relationship with one or either of them under this pretense of: "you never asked me and it wasn't your business anyway"... it is reasonable and fair to be judged accordingly, even years after the fact. However, if you inform them both and then proceed with either or both relationships under no false pretense then you could potentially carry on indefinitely.

I don't see how the onus should be on somebody to formally ask whether the other is 'dating somebody'; I think the onus should be on the person who proposed the date initially to inform the other, ideally before the date is proposed.

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Originally Posted by HeartIsAching [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Um no, michelle... a date is when you set a 'date' with someone you might be romantically interested in, and go on it.

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I know that but if he doesnt know them prior to the date or isnt sure yet whether he is romantically interested then I think its okay to go on one or two dates with both but then he should know whether he sees potential or not and make a decision. Id see it as cheating if he was dating both for months without telling them.

There is no hard and fast rule. But there are several reasons why multiple dating is not the best situation. First, it can be expensive. If you are doing dinners or movies or whatever, you have to keep both girls occupied during the week or risk getting dropped because you are not available often enough. Secondly it is time-consuming. I suppose it is not a big factor if you are young and highly social, but for some people they prefer to socialize on Friday and Saturday nights, which will greatly limit the amount of time available to date. Thirdly, I think some women would tend to not consider you as a serious prospect if they discover you are dating multiple other women. [Some] women tend to be insecure and the prospect of having to compete would drive them away.

There are other reasons, but that is what I can think of off the top of my head. I would avoid it if at all possible.

Why not meet a girl a few times and see how you feel? You'll know soon enough if you like each other or not and if you'd like to continue or meet someone else.

Thanks for all the replies folks.

I probably should have mentioned I met both girls on eHarmony, so I didn't know them at all before that. As I mentioned I've only met with one of them once and the other I'll probably meet tomorrow so they are in effect still strangers.

Everyone here has made some great points. I'm not a cheater and go to lengths to be honest with people so I'm not trying to play these two girls.

I think what I'll do is, as others have suggested, go and see how it works out with these girls and if I feel more serious about one then I'll inform the other. I'll also amend my eHarmony profile to say I'm currently going on dates.

Does that sound fair?

Yeah, update your profile to say you're currently going on dates, so that any girl you meet through eHarmony will know beforehand. If you meet someone somewhere else, you should let her know that you are going on dates via other means, of course.

Don't worry though, it's definitely not cheating. Just be honest and upfront about it, before you are on the actual first date.

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Originally Posted by JD! [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Thanks for all the replies folks.

I probably should have mentioned I met both girls on eHarmony, so I didn't know them at all before that. As I mentioned I've only met with one of them once and the other I'll probably meet tomorrow so they are in effect still strangers.

Everyone here has made some great points. I'm not a cheater and go to lengths to be honest with people so I'm not trying to play these two girls.

I think what I'll do is, as others have suggested, go and see how it works hout with these girls and if I feel more serious about one then I'll inform the other. I'll also amend my eHarmony profile to say I'm currently going on dates.

Does that sound fair?

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Fair enough and as soon as you commit to one, make sure to delete you EHarmony account.

Good luck.

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Originally Posted by JD! [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

When your dating - that is going on dates to see if there is something there, not actually in a relationship - is it considered cheating or wrong if you go on dates with multiple people?

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I did exactly what you describe. But I never stringed along a guy I knew I wasn't interested in, and I always paid my own way. Once you start getting physical, or on multiple dates, you need to have a conversation about exclusivity.

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Once you start getting physical, or on multiple dates, you need to have a conversation about exclusivity.

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Yeah, that was pretty much what I figured. Once I've hit the 3rd date with one or the kissing starts I think that would be time to talk about it and let the other girl know I'm seeing someone.

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Originally Posted by searock [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Yeah, update your profile to say you're currently going on dates, so that any girl you meet through eHarmony will know beforehand.

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Just tried to update my profile and I've no idea how to work it. Everything I wrote makes me sound like a dick. Any suggestions. 0_o

If your definition of dating is meeting new individuals then there is nothing wrong. But once you have emotionally commit/dating exclusively/court the person then stop seeing the other person. However, dating is a term a lot of people abuse.

In this generation the term dating is "seeing each other/establishing a friendship" but before dating means "beyond the level of friendship-Wikipedia". This means you dated someone you already knew for a while. In your situation, it will not be considered as dating because you are just meeting strangers and trying to establish a friendship.

Sometimes with online dating-for every 100 people you talk to, there is only one decent person so I think you kinda have to keep your options open for awhile. One reason ive never done online dating is coz I wouldnt trust anyone lol.

I dont think you should mention it on your profile coz no matter what you say its going to make you sound like a sleaze and all the decent women will delete you.

I know your intentions are good but I have no idea how your going to convince people of that. It would be so much less complicated if you just dated one at a time. Your either going to hit it off with her or you wont and its not going to take a long time to figure out if you like her or not.

You know, I'm not so sure if I agree with mentioning it on your profile. I'm also not so sure about telling the women before or on the date, unless they happen to ask. If they ask, be honest, but make sure to word it so it sounds just like what it is, and not like you are just a "player."

I only say this because it honestly wouldn't be fair for somebody to judge you for this. If you are just newly dating, nobody should have the right or any reason to consider it exclusive. I mean, heck thing of it this way for a moment.... Say you have a first date set with one woman, and suddenly another woman actually asks you out.... do you really think it would be a good idea to blow her off because "I'm already going on a first date with another girl?" I mean, jeez, what if the date winds up being a disaster? Then you've blown off a woman who could have been a good match for you just because you had a date with somebody else.

So, until things start to become serious, I don't see why it needs to be brought up unless asked. Maybe that is just me, though. I don't know. But, once you've gone on multiple dates with a person and seem to think you want to continue, that is when it is time to start having the exclusivity talks and decide if that is what you want.

Women go on multiple dates also and they don't necessarily volunteer this information to the guys they are dating. The premise to this is that once you become committed or exclusively dating someone on a regular basis, then you should stop dating anyone else and delete your on line account.

Additionally, don't string anyone if you were not attracted to them on the first date.

No need to put in your profile that you are currently dating because it is misleading. You are only in the beginning of getting to know these women. If they ask during the date, you can say yes, you are still keeping your options open until you find the right person.

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Originally Posted by chinagirl [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Women go on multiple dates also and they don't necessarily volunteer this information to the guys they are dating. The premise to this is that once you become committed or exclusively dating someone on a regular basis, then you should stop dating anyone else and delete your on line account.

Additionally, don't string anyone if you were not attracted to them on the first date.

No need to put in your profile that you are currently dating because it is misleading. You are only in the beginning of getting to know these women. If they ask during the date, you can say yes, you are still keeping your options open until you find the right person.

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This is probably the simplest and most straightforward solution.

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Originally Posted by masticate [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

This is probably the simplest and most straightforward solution.

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This is probably your shortest and most idiocy-free post.

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Originally Posted by KingZ [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

This is probably your shortest and most idiocy-free post.

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It is not, in fact.

Do you have a crush on me?

Speaking of crushes, I personally cannot say I currently have a crush on anybody....

But there are plenty of people I'd like to crush. :)