I'm badly insecure and jealous.

I know it's due to my low self-esteem and depending too much on my girlfriend but I really need some advice how to deal with my awful emotions sometimes :(

So first of all I'm a girl dating another girl, we've been together for over a year. My girlfriend is bisexual and it makes me feel really worried, I get insecure over it, I get jealous at EVERYTHING to do with guys, guy celebs she likes make me angry and sometimes I feel such an anger and hatred towards men because of this insecurity and fear about her bisexuality. I'm constantly questioning her and hurting her over it, she's told me she prefers girls, she loves me and wants me and I believe her but my fears get too strong sometimes. For some reason my mind can only see the negatives and not anything positive, I even feel like she's lying and prefers men because it just seems to me she's way more into handsome men, she likes a lot of male singers, she uses them as her twitter picture icons/headers, there's lots of little things that just scare me that she might like them more :[ But she says she doesn't think of them in a sexual way like she does girls. But no matter what she tells me, I'm still terrified. I actually hate it, I can't seem to accept it and I need help. It's gotten to the point everyday I'm visiting her tumblr and twitter worrying if she's posted guys, when I get angry and shout at her about it and she says "What's wrong with me finding a guy handsome" It actually rips me apart to hear her say she finds them handsome. I feel sick, I cry everyday, I can't deal with it. How do people deal being in a relationship with a bisexual? I feel like my insecurity has turned me into those man-hating lesbians.

This insecurity is the same towards her friends, I full on screamed at her because I read tweets of her joking around with friends, I can't stand her being close to others. I'm just petrified of her leaving me, I'm petrified of her falling for someone else or me being not good enough. I know it's ALL me and not her, I'm the possessive insecure one because I'm worried of being alone and losing her because of my attachment/abandonment issue. But my actions are making it far more realistic that I could lose her and I need it to stop. I know people are going to say "Learn to love yourself then it will all stop" The thing is I've tried, I find it so hard to love myself and feel secure, and yeah I can keep trying to build security for myself but it's so hard and there must be some other way I can let go a bit from these horrible emotions in the mean time? It's obsessive torture. She's left me so much times over it and she says she's never felt so hurt and ruined by anybody like she's been by me and my awful mental illness. I've hurt her so badly she's not even sure if she loves me anymore and she's distanced herself emotionally, I'm hanging on a final chance to change my ways, I don't even deserve a chance but I need to change :( I have therapy but it's not working.

Hi I have read your story and think I might understand your feelings a little bit. My advice to you is that whenever you feel like your grip is slipping away like that... you practice being calm and thinking about the truth of the situation, not just how you feel about it. It seems like your feelings operate at a fast pace and overcome you before you have a chance to analyze things.

Here is what I mean: your girlfriend is bisexual and thus she is attracted to men as well as women. Instances of her showing her attraction to men simply means that you are not meeting her needs 100% nor are you capable of doing so (in such a down-to-earth way). The way for you to escape from this conundrum is to rationally accept her for who she is and find a way to think outside of the box. If you are not meeting her needs then you must find a way to do so or you are not compatible.

Refusing or denying her the right to her bisexuality in order to help you feel a certain way is really oppressive. If you want a monogamous relationship then you should find somebody who doesn't want something you can't provide. Putting monogamous restrictions on somebody is irrational at best and expecting them to comply in the face of legitimate reasons not to (such as her bisexuality) is doubly so. If you don't think you really need a monogamous relationship then there really is no need to try and control her sexual behavior at all.

Anybody, man or woman, who gets into a relationship with somebody who is openly bisexual needs to admit to themselves at the start that there is the chance this person will need some outside help to be happy.

If you really feel like "you're hanging on a final chance to change your ways", as you said, then I believe the path to acceptance is rationalization. What are your needs? what are hers? What is your role? These are all questions you need to ask yourself and you can not turn away from the truth even if it blinds you.

My girlfriend disagrees with you. She agrees with what you said about accepting her for who she is/her sexuality but she doesn't agree that you talk about how I am not meeting her needs/how bisexuals need some outside help to be happy. She says as a girl I 100% meet her needs and she's sure she won't need a guy. I'm actually getting rather annoyed with everybody labelling bisexuals to always need both or something too, I've seen plenty bisexuals say they can easily remain faithful in a relationship and only need who they are with. Why are they all made out to be such greedy sexual freaks who always need sex with both? Bisexual only means they can attract to both sexually, why does it turn them into some sexual freak who needs both sides of the coin? I have insecurity and I want to rid it, to feel secure. I don't want people to feed me advice about how I'm not enough for my girlfriend/I need to accept it, that's horrible, cruel and not true in this case and that's what I fear and it's why I feel so insecure no matter what she tells me.

masticate is just trolling. Ignore him.

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Originally Posted by helpmeplease:( [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

My girlfriend disagrees with you. She agrees with what you said about accepting her for who she is/her sexuality but she doesn't agree that you talk about how I am not meeting her needs/how bisexuals need some outside help to be happy. She says as a girl I 100% meet her needs and she's sure she won't need a guy. I'm actually getting rather annoyed with everybody labelling bisexuals to always need both or something too, I've seen plenty bisexuals say they can easily remain faithful in a relationship and only need who they are with. Why are they all made out to be such greedy sexual freaks who always need sex with both? Bisexual only means they can attract to both sexually, why does it turn them into some sexual freak who needs both sides of the coin? I have insecurity and I want to rid it, to feel secure. I don't want people to feed me advice about how I'm not enough for my girlfriend/I need to accept it, that's horrible, cruel and not true in this case and that's what I fear and it's why I feel so insecure no matter what she tells me.

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This is why you have problems. You crazy chicks. You can't drag me into this drama.

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Originally Posted by YoungCosmo [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

masticate is just trolling. Ignore him.

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That's not even true. I was sincere. Everything I said, I phrased as a 'possibility'. People who turn away from possibilities as possibilities are way too closed minded to have a conversation with me and get anything positive out of it, so they resort to passive resistance, and I react with amusement :)

You're just using his situation as pretext to impose your own ideas.

I'm sorry If the way I replied was rude, I just got really upset by what you said as it would feel like hell if that were true and because I've read it so much it just makes me wanna burst out crying. Plus it hurts people who aren't like this to always get labelled like that.

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Originally Posted by YoungCosmo [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You're just using his situation as pretext to impose your own ideas.

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Perhaps. Isn't that what this was about? I thought it was.

I read the op and she was all like, "problem, problem, problem, problem ... tried one solution, not working"

I was talking your own unpopular philosophy, not something that can be construed as actual advice.

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Originally Posted by YoungCosmo [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I was talking your own unpopular philosophy, not something that can be construed as actual advice.

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hmm. Well you are in no real place to make this remark objectively, whereas all of my possibilities were objectively possible.

My advice to the op was to do some soul searching and resist making such quick, short-sighted, emotionally-fueled, frantically-dramatic conclusions.

masticate, I agree with your advice in terms of SOME bisexuals, what you said was serious and I respect the fact you tried to help. I really am sorry for replying so rude, it's just something that hurts me especially when talked about in terms of sounding like factual information/labeling.

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Originally Posted by helpmeplease:( [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

masticate, I agree with your advice in terms of SOME bisexuals, what you said was serious and I respect the fact you tried to help. I really am sorry for replying so rude, it's just something that hurts me especially when talked about in terms of sounding like factual information/labeling.

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well this was actually the point I was trying to make. You have to engage your calm rational side if you want to overcome this problem. Getting worked up over things like tweets and instagrams is a ****ing waste of your time and energy.

Either she is attracted to men or she is not. Either she is allowed to engage with them on some level or she is not. Your boundaries seem to imply that you require absolute devotion and constant reassurance that she only needs you. I get that you know it's a problem, so you don't need to have that reiterated to you. You know what I'm good at? Finding workable solutions to problems, based on an analysis of the probabilities at play and potential ways to circumvent paradoxes.

She is attracted to them but she constantly reassures me she doesn't want/need to be with a guy neither does she want to be engaged with one. That's what I need to accept and understand that even though she's bisexual she is committed to me. But it just gets really hard when there is constant insecurity and angry emotions over every little thing. I try so hard to be calm and see the rational sides of things but my emotions get the better of me. It's my stupid dependence/attachment it's crazy.

Hey helpmeplease, If your therapy isn't working, tell them it's not working. Maybe see your doctor to get another referal to a different therapist. It could be that you are not getting the right therapy. Are you supplementing your therapy with medication?? if not that should be discussed with your doctor. Please don't give into your feelings, there is always hope, as long as you are willing to fight for better mental health. I know easier said than done, that's why I say to speak up to get things into action. Being young, struggling with different sexualities can be so confusing adding to your anxiety. All these things are a learning process, as we all had to do, to develop knowledge about different personality types and relationships. Growing up I remember my struggles too, and it's something we all go through.

You are so lucky you have the internet that is filled with knowledge at your fingertips, that I never had access to. Knowledge is power, so do your research on sexuality, anxiety disorder, etc. There are lots of great forums for these specific topics, some that even have professionals available to help answer your questions. I believe the more you understand yourself, and more about bi-sexuality, the better you will be able to handle your insecurities and also to build a better relationship with your GF. Best of luck :)

Thanks :) I've done so much research and you're right it does help a lot. I use an OCD forum quite often to help with my mental illness and struggles and it's definitely improved so much things. I'm starting off with a new therapist soon too, I hope it can help. I just need to start seeing I'm good enough, start having positive feelings towards myself then I won't be insecure and believe someone can love me/won't leave me I guess.

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Originally Posted by helpmeplease:( [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I know it's ALL me and not her, I'm the possessive insecure one because I'm worried of being alone and losing her because of my attachment/abandonment issue. But my actions are making it far more realistic that I could lose her and I need it to stop.

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Sulf-fulfilling prophecies. Don’t bring up obstacles that just aren’t there. If everything is going well in theory, then there is no problem, and there will be no problem as long as you don't bring up issues that are purely imagined by your mind, molded merely by your sense of fear and insecurity. Let her actions and her words speak, through time; let them dissipate any doubt you may have... Confidence and happiness are what makes a relationship strong, and confidence and happiness are what will make her love you and want to be with you for a long time.

You can't change your core, I know, but you CAN improve your behavior towards people. And I think when you learn to love someone, I mean, once you understand what it is to truly love and respect someone, you will want to be a better person automatically, you will want to be someone you love, because you want them to respect you. Tell yourself that whenever you shout at someone over futilities, you are losing a bit of their love and respect. Whenever you are being jealous of other people, you are telling her that every one else is better than you, so losing a bit of her love and respect again. The more you show her signs that you are unworthy and not good enough, the more she will believe it herself. Now tell yourself that this person has been honest and caring and patient with you, but that she will not be like that forever and you know she doesn't have to keep up with it if it's causing her pain and tiring her out...

So yeah, change for the better, if that's what you want. Improvement is always possible, especially if you're that willing.

And if some day this relationship doesn't work out because of your personal issues, you know what, let it be a chance for you in the future to possibly be with someone who is much better suited for you, someone who will need you as much as you need them, someone who doesn't drool over celebs if that's something that ticks you off, someone who will give more attention to you than to other people in their entourage because that's how devoted they want to be to their partner. This girl might be amazing, honest, caring and all, but, maybe she doesn't really understand the needs of a person like you.

Whatever happens, good luck and, honestly, I think your first step towards improvement and a state of mental peace, is to take a break from social media. What you see online is obviously driving you insane... Stop doing that to yourself. (Social Media Depression: [url=http://health.howstuffworks.com/mental-health/depression/questions/social-media-depression.htm]HowStuffWorks "What's social media depression -- and might I have it?"[/url])

Everything you say strikes with me so much. I do understand this and I always have. The first time I ended up like this was a year ago, I suddenly got scary thoughts like "What if you don't love her?" And I've ended up developing a mental illness where I fear everything along with insecurities. I'm absolutely terrified of it "Not being love" So whenever someone says "Learn to love her" It makes me feel like you're telling me I don't love her. I'm scared does it mean I don't love her because I'm insecure and have so much fears of losing her? I care about her and I want her to be happy and if I wasn't so insecure I'd be the best gf, I'd love to take care of her and make her happy. That's how it was before I got this mental illness and began to fear losing her, I put all of my needs/happiness into her, she is what makes me feel secure/have something to live for and if I lost that I'd lose my life. I realise that is the issue. Could it be that I love her but I'm afraid to love her through action? I'm afraid to let go of my self needs and let her live because she's so important to me that I'd lose everything if I lost her?

You do love her, but how can you properly love someone and give them your best, when you yourself are not at your best? Hence why people will always say "love yourself first". Love is much more than just being with someone, it's showing maturity, understanding, respect, compromise; all these things are what make a relationship successful, and they have to come from both parties. However if two people are so different that the amount of understanding and compromise required to make it work is just plain unrealistic, then one should consider whether or not this relationship is something one should be embarking on; I mean, you are constantly feeling emotionally shattered and putting at risk your state of mind, your mental health, your confidence issues and so on, for this other person... but you say to yourself: "I don't care", right? So one should ask themselves: why do I love this person more than I love myself? See, this is the problem, it's not that you don't love her, it's just that you love her more than you actually love yourself. You have to cultivate your relationship with yourself first. Are you at peace with yourself, inside? Are you working towards your own personal goals in life? Are you proud of what you do and of who you are? I don't think you can be completely happy until the answer to most these questions is yes.

And course there is a lack of emotional maturity, meaning you are not ready and not able to develop a balanced, healthy relationship with someone at this point. But it looks like you're already taking steps towards improving this aspect, so I think that, with a little time, odds are that you will do just fine if you keep being positive and realistic. Being realistic, when trying to change one's self, is very important; setting yourself impossible goals and ideals will only discourage you. You can't change completely overnight, but you CAN improve your life and learn to be happier with yourself day after day. And knowing that a good person loves you and cares about you, I think that also helps in the road of self improvement :)

So if she is willing to show some support, and if you honestly think that being together will be good for you AND for her, right now AND in the future, then it's all worth it to keep trying. After all, people are together to make each other happy, right? not the opposite.

Just make sure that you are not straining yourself while trying to make her happy, coz in the end, if you're exhausted and fed up from trying to keep up, then you won't be any more able to make anyone happy! So whatever you do, don't ever forget to take care of yourself first and foremost.

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Originally Posted by helpmeplease:( [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Thanks :) I've done so much research and you're right it does help a lot. I use an OCD forum quite often to help with my mental illness and struggles and it's definitely improved so much things. I'm starting off with a new therapist soon too, I hope it can help. I just need to start seeing I'm good enough, start having positive feelings towards myself then I won't be insecure and believe someone can love me/won't leave me I guess.

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It won't happen over night but you are on the right track...it's a matter of keeping on it. Even if things seem real good do not stop your therapy. You will need to learn to manage it for the rest of your life, maybe adjust things here and there. Just keep positive. Maybe try meditation classes, or find a support group. There are so many things you can do other than therapy that can help you improve your life.

I've definitely changed a lot in the past few weeks actually. Maybe not in my mindset but in my behavior towards her and how I react towards her when I experience horrible emotions. I would normally rage or let out my emotional pain and seek reassurance but I've stopped all of it. She can see some change which I'm happy about. I really love when she's happy and when I think about me being able to see that all the time I get fuzzy inside and it just depresses me so much that I've let so much ruin everything. I agree with everything said above from both of you :) I understand I do need some security/happiness/acceptance in myself before I can give her the love and respect she deserves. I feel like all the love is inside of me but it's hiding behind all of these fears and if I could just tackle them and have a life of my own beside my life with her I'd feel way more balanced. It will be a long tricky process since my whole life I've been abandoned and I have a serious attachment issue but I'm really willing to work on it. I don't even take care of myself, I neglect myself basically, I have so much work to do, I first of all have to even start working on how to accept myself and not dislike myself so much. She's supportive and always there for me, she's never done anything at all to hurt me or do me wrong. She's one in a million and way more than just a girlfriend, she's the only best friend I ever had. I want to be like her :] I want to be amazing like her and treat her how she does to me.

Well I'm glad to read that :) And you're lucky to have this good person around you then, coz she sounds like a great example, and being with someone we admire surely can inspire us to be a better person. But anyway, whether alone or with someone, I have a feeling you are capable of many great things once you set your mind to it :)

I wish you all the best :)

I'm coming in late on this one, helpmeplease but here is a link that I think will help you. If you educate yourself you'll be quicker to overcome:

[url=http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/romantic-jealousy]Romantic Jealousy | Psychology Today[/url]

You appear to think that jealousy is just about being "insecure" when it's also about feeling out of control. When you can set your mind to realize that you only have control over yourself and what you do, you'll overcome the pain of jealousy. Cie le Vie!

P.S. Get a new therapist if you you're not feeling any closer to gaining control of self.

When I try to tell myself things that should calm me down and see the positive logical side of things it never seems to help. Everyday I visit her social networks and I can't stop, I've tried everything I just feel anxious if I don't do it. I'd atleast like to be able to visit and feel no anxiety or jealousy to the point where I don't feel like I even need to visit. It's all so hard :(

Stop stalking her on social media. You need to find things that keep you occupied,.....get a frickin hobby or some friends.

You already know what to do. Making changes in your character does not happen overnight. Be patient with yourself, but understand that your girlfriend does not deserve to be treated as you do. If she decides to move on, she would be in her rights to do so. Only YOU can change your behaviour. Look for triggers that set your jealousy off and try to deal with them more positively. Also maybe do something that will make you feel better about yourself. Start an exercise program or do something that takes your focus off yourself and puts it on someone else. I find this often puts things very nicely into perspective.

Thank you I'll try to do this. I do try to deal with my jealousy triggers but a huge wave of anger and pain overtakes me and I can't ever seem to be able to deal with it.