Emotional Cheating?

It's been 9 months now that I have been with my Boyfriend and 4 years since my ex-Boyfriend and I of 3 years and engaged were together. But my current Boyfriend thinks that since I still have photos of my ex and I (Disneyland that I don't want to get rid of because it's Disneyland) he thinks me still having those photos, is emotional cheating on his end. He also thinks that there is part of me that still has feelings for my ex and I should let him go. I should also block my ex on all accounts social media because he knows I will contact him or view his profiles etc. To me, I am over my ex-Boyfriend, I have been, I am focusing on my current Boyfriend, but he keeps insisting on me still longing for my ex-Boyfriend etc. I don't know what to do to get him to believe me, I want him not my ex. What should I do?

You've said in previous posts that you'll do whatever it takes to make your boyfriend happy...and that your own happiness isn't as important. He's told you how to make him happy in this instance - so go do it.

Given your stance on his happiness, I don't even know why you're asking this question.

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Originally Posted by basilandthyme [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You've said in previous posts that you'll do whatever it takes to make your boyfriend happy...and that your own happiness isn't as important. He's told you how to make him happy in this instance - so go do it.

Given your stance on his happiness, I don't even know why you're asking this question.

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Well how to make him happy always changes. So I don't know what to do now.

You keep changing with his desires

He has no right to tell you to get rid of photos or anything from before he even knew you. He has to work on his own insecurity issues, as do you in regards to your other threads.

This is a bit of an iffy topic if you ask me. On the one hand, yeah, he doesn't really have any right to be telling you to get rid of photos you have that were from before you two were together. On the other hand, can't you understand why he'd be uncomfortable with the fact that you save pictures of your ex? Maybe to you they are pictures that just HAPPEN to also have your ex in them. In other words, maybe you look at them as pictures of your trip to Disney.... that you happened to take with an ex. He looks at it, though, and sees it as a picture of you and your ex.

Kind of put yourself in his shoes and imagine how you'd feel looking at pictures of him and his ex from a time when they were happy and in love. Are they pictures you have displayed somewhere? If so, I'd say maybe just take them down and store them away somewhere. I can definitely understand how he feels, but I don't necessarily think he should be making you get rid of the pictures.

Though, by the same token I sort of don't see why you want to keep them anyway. Heck, I had pictures of my ex and I at Disney. I've moved on and no longer have any residual feelings. To me, those pictures ARE just pictures of Disney that just happen to have my ex in them..... but I still got rid of any that included her. As far as I am concerned, she is part of my past. She deserves no part in my present or future. So, I'd rather be rid of the pictures. They cause me absolutely no pain, so it isn't like I feel that I CAN'T look at them, I just personally have no interest.

I also do think that you probably should remove your ex from any social media you may have. After all, why would you not? Our exes are our exes for a reason. Why would you really even want him still on your social media? Why would you want any kind of regular contact with him?

Even if your current boyfriend knows he can trust you, it still doesn't change the fact that a lot of people would be uncomfortable with that. It's almost like an instinct sort of thing that we can't turn off no matter how silly we know it may be.

Bottom line here, I don't think this is a situation where either of you are right or wrong. It is understandable why he feels the way he does about it. At the same time, if you want to keep the pictures, and want to still at least be friendly with your ex, that is your decision. It isn't wrong of him to ask you to get rid of the pictures, delete him from social media, etc, but it would be wrong of him to FORCE you to if you do not want to do that.

By the same token, though, if he's not okay with that, it would be wrong of you to expect him to just get over it. So, you'll have to decide if you can part with your past, or if you still wish to hold onto these things. If you wish to still keep them, then just be honest with him and allow him to make his own decision as to whether he can be okay with that.

Good luck to you.

I can understand how he feels. If my boyfriend had photos and mementos of his ex all over the place, I'd NEVER approve and think that he didn't get over her.
Your ex is someone in your PAST, someone who is part of your HISTORY. I think, in order to have a healthy relationship, you need to close that chapter of your life and adhere to what your current boyfriend wants. You don't have to get rid of photos etc., but put them away somewhere or lock them up in a keepsafe box where he can't see them.
If you are serious about this current man, show him through your actions. Holding on too tightly to anything having to do with your ex DOES indicate that you're not over him and that you're holding onto any leftovers that represent a chance you will have some future with him. I can guarantee you, if you planned on getting married and having children with any man, you will have to leave your ex and that life/history behind.
In all honesty, I don't think you've met the right man yet -- once you do, you won't WANT to have your ex dangling somewhere in the background. Believe me, once the right man is in your life you won't want to look at your ex and you'll know you moved on with your life 100%

Source: Got rid of ALL photos of my exes and it feels great because I'm now free to love and give attention to a potential partner 100% without them questioning my emotional state of mind.

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Originally Posted by topazlight [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

He has no right to tell you to get rid of photos or anything from before he even knew you. He has to work on his own insecurity issues, as do you in regards to your other threads.

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On the contrary. He has every right to tell her to get rid of the photos or anything from before he knew her. She has every right to tell him "No."

In between those two "rights" is a compromise wherein neither's "rights" are 100% honoured but they are satisfied with the concession each has conceded.

A compromise in this instance would be her keeping the photos as memory keep-sakes but putting them away in a box in her closet where he won't be subjected to her obvious happiness while with another man.

Geezus - I can't believe so many of you chuck out your old photos! Mine may be boxed and away, but I'd never part with them. And bits of paper in a box don't reflect my ability to love my hubby.

Taking it further, I think that a partner who has issues with old photos being kept probably has larger issues. If they are challenged by photos, then it makes sense that they'd also be challenged by knowing that you had past loves. If they can't cope with photos, how would they cope if you went to a town that you visited with an ex? Or heaven forbid, the same restaurant you went to with an ex?

Ain't nobody got time for dat

I think she's insensitive (stupid?) enough to actually be displaying the photo's of the two of them. That, to me would be a bit too much. Keep them, well of course but to have them hanging on the wall or on her night table? ... Not so much.

I DO NOT have those photos of my ex and me displayed in plain sight. They are in a photo album I have on my bookshelf which I hardly ever open. And I have taken my current Boyfriend to previous places my ex and I have visted and he doesn't care about that. My Boyfriend feels I still have feelings for my ex, even though my ex HAS MOVED ON I.E. MARRIED, KIDS, etc. He thinks I am going to want to get back with my ex when I DO NOT. I do not care or love my ex period. I want to focus on my Boyfriend NOW but he always throws the past in my face.

So dump him. That's what I'd do if a boyfriend behaved like that to me.

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Originally Posted by basilandthyme [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Geezus - I can't believe so many of you chuck out your old photos! Mine may be boxed and away, but I'd never part with them. And bits of paper in a box don't reflect my ability to love my hubby.

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Yeah, to each his/her own. To me, I just honest to God couldn't see any reason whatsoever to want to keep them. I got to a point where I could look at pictures of her, or of her and I and it does not cause me the least bit of pain or hurt feelings and sure as HELL doesn't bring up old feelings I used to have for her......

But I just see no reason why she should have ANY place in my present and future, even just in picture form. Honestly, for me it was almost like an empowerment sort of thing. I finally realized I deserved better, so why bother to retain memories of a time when I had still failed to realize that, and was sure that unhappiness was just my lot in life?

Of course, that isn't to say I think that is the answer for everybody. Some people, in time, may want to retain memories even of old relationships because there were still good memories even if it didn't end as you'd hoped at the time. That is certainly up to the individual.

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Originally Posted by treehugger101 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I DO NOT have those photos of my ex and me displayed in plain sight. They are in a photo album I have on my bookshelf which I hardly ever open. And I have taken my current Boyfriend to previous places my ex and I have visted and he doesn't care about that. My Boyfriend feels I still have feelings for my ex, even though my ex HAS MOVED ON I.E. MARRIED, KIDS, etc. He thinks I am going to want to get back with my ex when I DO NOT. I do not care or love my ex period. I want to focus on my Boyfriend NOW but he always throws the past in my face.

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If you think about it, having them in a photo album is kind of still displaying them, but I definitely get what you mean that it is not the same thing as having them framed on the wall or your nightstand. Maybe could you store that particular album away in a drawer or the attic or something? Though, to be honest, I do think that is being a little silly and petty at that point (on his part, I mean).

If he is constantly throwing your past in your face, though, then that may be a good reason to start to re-evaluate whether you should be focusing on this fella at all. Unless he has some reason not to trust you, he shouldn't be holding your past against you. The past is the past. How is it fair for him to have problems with things you did before you even knew him? Hell, how would he even expect you to fix that? Hop in the Delorean with Doc Brown and Marty and change the past? Great Scott!

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Originally Posted by treehugger101 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I DO NOT have those photos of my ex and me displayed in plain sight. They are in a photo album I have on my bookshelf which I hardly ever open. And I have taken my current Boyfriend to previous places my ex and I have visted and he doesn't care about that. My Boyfriend feels I still have feelings for my ex, even though my ex HAS MOVED ON I.E. MARRIED, KIDS, etc. He thinks I am going to want to get back with my ex when I DO NOT. I do not care or love my ex period. I want to focus on my Boyfriend NOW but he always throws the past in my face.

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Its almost funny how you add details as the thread goes on.

Anyway, if you weren't mentally handicapped you would have left him by now. Tell us, does your family approve of him and that is why you continue to stay with him? Or is it because you believe what you have with him is love so you put up with his petty bullshit?

Wakeup, I'm really uncomfortable with you calling the OP mentally handicapped. She's obviously got some emotional issues (or is a very good troll), but a learning disability isn't apparent. And if she does have a learning disability, being rude about it is not a nice thing to do.

Hmm how about this ?

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Originally Posted by treehugger101 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well I am hoping to be a better Girlfriend and meet what he wants.

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Or is it because you believe what you have with him is love so you put up with his petty bullshit?

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I suspect this could be the case, or at least in part. I absolutely, in no way, mean that as a slight against treehugger. I think many of us have had the experience of loving the wrong person. Love can be a wonderful, beautiful thing, but given to the wrong person it can also be a terrible thing. I learned that from experience myself. When you believe the love you have with somebody is real, it can be hard not to want to look past their wrongdoings. Sometimes, that is okay. Nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes.

The problem, though, is when you forgive too much, or forgive things that should not be forgiven. When you get stuck in your love and don't want to give it up, so you look for any way to excuse the person's poor behavior, poor attitude, etc. to convince yourself it is worth it to stay with them.

Is that what treehugger is doing? I don't know, because I'm not her, and I'm not her fella. It could be, though. So, back to treehugger now, just be careful to be sure you do not fall into that trap. You'e posted a lot of threads that personally have me leaning towards thinking this guy isn't right for you. That really is your decision, though. I can't know that for sure, and neither can any of us here. Just, please don't get yourself into that trap of so badly not wanting to let somebody go that you just put up with their crap and settle for an unhappy relationship. IF that is the case, you would honestly be better off alone than you ever would stuck in an unhappy relationship. Good luck.

To me, both of them have trust and insecurities issue that they need to work it out together to try to get rid or cope with. He is insecure of her ex, while she get jealous of female friends.

Ah yes, tree, are you ever happy on this relationship and can you go on for a few more years like this (with these problems)? You don't have to answer it, but you should think about it.

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Originally Posted by basilandthyme [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Wakeup, I'm really uncomfortable with you calling the OP mentally handicapped. She's obviously got some emotional issues (or is a very good troll), but a learning disability isn't apparent. And if she does have a learning disability, being rude about it is not a nice thing to do.

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Well, that's odd. Compels me to say its a good thing that my post isn't about you or how you are uncomfortable or not. Sorry you are uncomfortable basil but,

If she is "mentally handicapped" then why would calling her what she is even be an issue? A rose by any other name is still a rose. If she wasn't mentally dysfunctional then she wouldn't be posting what she does.

There is more to her then "emotional issues" She is clueless in just about everything she shares with us (troll or not)

If, in my work as a teacher's aide or as a support worker, I said to my charge "if you weren't mentally handicapped you'd......" I'd likely be out of a job. Or at the very least, hauled over the coals. If a person said that to my son, they would no longer be in our lives.

However, if a person was sad about not being able to achieve something because they had trouble learning, I'd acknowledge the fact that it's difficult for them and talk about the things they are good at and discuss achievable goals. Kindly acknowledging the fact is different to saying it in a blaming manner.

Also, we stopped using the phrase "mentally retarded" back in the '80's. Perhaps it's different in Canada.

In the US, we call it "mentally challenged".

Ah, back to you OP, you're in your mid twenties, live with your parents, jobless, and couldn't figure life. What is the issue with you? Tell us the real story behind tree hugger who's been hugging love forum lately.

Who called her "retarded?" I will say that Her emotional maturity is retarded to that of a 13 year old.

Op: Are you ready to admit that you have a mental/emotional issue and that is why you are moving close to middle age, don't work, live with and are spoiled by your parents and you stay with a man that you don't get along with?

Perhaps if you came right out and told us what your "challenge" is, you'd get more sympathy then what I am caring to give you.

My bad. You said "mentally handicapped". We don't say use that term either anymore.

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Who called her "retarded?" I will say that Her emotional maturity is retarded to that of a 13 year old.

Op: Are you ready to admit that you have a mental/emotional issue and that is why you are moving close to middle age, don't work, live with and are spoiled by your parents and you stay with a man that you don't get along with?

Perhaps if you came right out and told us what your "challenge" is, you'd get more sympathy then what I am caring to give you.

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Your BF always changes his demands because he is hoping it will become so unbearable you will finally leave. You are clingy, needy, and insecure that it is driving him crazy. He knows if he tries to end it you, youwill be clinging onto his leg as he tries to walk out the door.

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Tip: you don't try and fix a bad BF, you get rid of them.

That is most definitely also a good point I hadn't seen anybody else consider. It could be possible he is tiring of the relationship but doesn't want to be the one to break it off for whatever reason(s). So, he tries to be a complete insufferable prick instead hoping that you will be the one to finally cut off the head of the snake.

....Or it could just be that he actually IS as insufferable as your threads would make it sound. Either way, do either of those options sound like somebody with whom you want to be in a relationship? Nobody deserves to be stuck in an unhappy relationship. Maybe you have your own stuff to work through, maybe not. Either way, you can't do that while clinging to a miserable relationship. Good luck to you, really. I hope you are able to find happiness in yourself, and then soon thereafter find somebody who will feel like your other half.

I am happy with myself. And I am happy in this relationship finally. Him and I got together and talked everything through as we always do and this time around, things will be better and have changed. I do see the changes in him and he is treating me better. He told me, he doesn't want anyone else, he really wants me. If he didn't care for me or love me, he wouldn't have came over or done any of the stuff he has done lately. He also said himself, if he wanted to leave the relationship he would but he wants to be with me, and I do make him happy. He see's the big heart in me and how much I do care for him, with all of these chances I keep giving him, because I know he can change and be the person he truly is.

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Originally Posted by treehugger101 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I am happy with myself. And I am happy in this relationship finally. Him and I got together and talked everything through as we always do and this time around, things will be better and have changed.

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It's only been a week or so since you were unhappy. A week of not fighting does not make a relationship good.

If the two of you can keep this up for three months, then it's time to think that the relationship may be a good one.

"Three months?" ahhhhhh, yes. Three months without another thread from TH about her shitty relationship and candy-ass boyfriend would be nice.

That's great, treehugger. As I said in one of your other threads, I sincerely hope that is true. I honestly hope that you two have patched things up and that your relationship is great from now on into the future.

The thing is, from the sound of it, this has been a common occurrence in your relationship. Long periods of fighting all the time followed by making up and a period of peace.... only for the fighting to eventually start up again. Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that automatically means you should break up, nor am I automatically saying the fights are always going to eventually start up again.

I am just saying, don't allow yourself to be fooled if/when you've already been fooled before. What makes this time so different? Why are things so much better this time that the fights are likely to stop? Have you dealt with the true underlying issues at hand? REALLY dealt with them? If you were constantly fighting, something like that can't just be magically fixed with the wave of your wand. It takes time.

Honestly, maybe you truly feel that you two did and are continuing to work through things. If so, that is GREAT and good luck to you. I'm not saying all this to judge, or to imply that your relationship is bad, or to imply that you should break up. I can't know if your relationship is bad. I can't know if you should break up. I can only offer advice from my own personal opinion based on the details you share.

I may have my own opinion on the matter, but you have to do what makes you happy, and what you feel is right. If you two do work out, then that is awesome. All I am trying to do is to help you think. If this relationship truly isn't the right one for you, then you'd both be much better off ending it, and you both WILL eventually find the right person for you. That said, if the relationship IS right for you both, then great. Do the best you can and love and cherish each other. I can't know which is true of your situation, but I hope you sincerely can rather than to possibly be denying the truth of the matter one way or the other. Good luck to you, as always.