Girlfriend cheated??

My girlfriend cheated on me with my best friend. I found out this morning when my friend admitted to sleeping with her, and showed me the pictures he took of her naked. When I confronted her she said its because I'm terrible in bed. I was repeatedly sexually abused when I was 8 years old, and I find sex too hard deal with. The whole thing is too emotional for me, and she knows this. I love her so should I forgive her?

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Sorry for the duplicate posts. Didn't realize that it took a while to post.

No. Don't forgive her or your friend. She's a b!tch and your friend is a douche. Find better friends and a better, more understanding girlfriend.

You're right but why did it have to be him

Because they both suck and are disrespectful twats who are selfish and only thought of themselves at that moment.

Weird. It shouldn't take a while to post. Your post should have showed up instantly. Anyway, I already commented on your other post. So, here I will just add this....

Why did it have to be your best friend? Because your girlfriend is obviously a heartless scumbag and she knew that would hurt you the worst. She knew cheating on you would hurt enough as it is, but cheating with your best friend would be SO much worse. That really sound like somebody you want in your life?

I'll add to that.... a REAL friend would NEVER have even entertained the thought of going along with that. So, he's not a good person either and doesn't deserve you as a friend.

I wasn't really thinking when I broke his phone....he might try to make me pay for it damn...

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Originally Posted by Gemini10182 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You're right but why did it have to be him

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because he - unlike you - doesnt have issues in bed and doesnt hold back
he likes it and makes her enjoy herself.

simple as that.
Its terrible what you have gone through - but you cant and should not blame other people for deficits you have.

If you dont enjoy sex and its too much for you then find someone who doesnt want or need much sex.
If you want to learn to enjoy it - then do so.

Quit being the product of what happened to you in the past. I know this is harsh, but for the sake of yourself:
find out what you want
and then go do it. Regardless of what you have experienced in the past. You have all the resources to enjoy your life to the fullest extend.
If you hold back because of what other people did to you - then you hold back for them (not for yourself).

She should have just told me how she was feeling

yes because "you suck in bed" is such a nice topic to talk about.

And its not that you didnt know it...

I'm sorry, but whether or not he's "bad in bed" is, in my personal opinion, 100% beside the point. About the ONLY way I could even understand this one IOTA would be if he was bad in bed, she's told him so REPEATEDLY and tried to work with him to make things better.... but he just outright refuses. Then I could MAYBE understand the tiniest bit how she was driven to that..... BUT even then that would not make it okay in the slightest. If that were the case, then you break up with the person and THEN move on to somebody else. You don't cheat on them, and especially not with somebody so close to them.

Now, I think it was actually in Gemini's other message where he mentioned that she NEVER said a thing about it. So, IF he is actually "bad in bed," I would venture to guess he probably didn't know it. I would also be willing to bet a great deal that she just claimed he is "bad in bed" because she knows that is one of the most hurtful and insulting things you can say to somebody. Based on what he's shared of the story, I get the impression she did all this to be deliberately hurtful. There is NO way in which that can be the slightest bit okay.

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Originally Posted by TheEvilJester [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I would also be willing to bet a great deal that she just claimed he is "bad in bed" because she knows that is one of the most hurtful and insulting things you can say to somebody. Based on what he's shared of the story, I get the impression she did all this to be deliberately hurtful. There is NO way in which that can be the slightest bit okay.

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Originally Posted by Gemini10182 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I find sex too hard deal with. The whole thing is too emotional for me, and she knows this.

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I assumed by this that he is bad in bed. She never told him (as far as i know) that he is.
I assumed by this that he knows he is bad in bed and that his sexual "performance" has been lacking. I dont mean this as a flame or something to be ashamed of. I just think the girl wanted it and could not get it from him.

Cheating is not ok. We can agree on that. However cheating is not as one sided as many people make you believe.
There are some people who get cheated on repeatedly. And usually thats not just chance. Usually there is something that they do that then eventually leads to the partners cheating.
That doesnt make cheating OK or respectful or good or necessary in any way and it surely is no excuse. Its a reason.
And the only thing those people can do is to stop doing that and change their beliefs and behaviors so they dont get cheated upon anymore.
Cheating is not just some random thing happening to you (usually). Thats all im saying.

Fair enough, and with that I can agree. As much as nobody deserves to be the victim of something like this, and as much as it is sometimes just random (i.e. you just happen to wind up with a scumbag capable of cheating no matter WHO they may be with), it certainly can be something worth examining. Were there ways he contributed to it happening? And.... again, as you say, even if there were, that is NOT saying that makes what she did okay. Not by ANY stretch of the imagination. It's just saying that it certainly doesn't hurt him to work on improving those things anyway. For him, as much as for the right gal, when he finds her.

IF there are things he could improve, any normal human being who actually gives a crap about how the treat people wouldn't respond to them by cheating on him..... but it could certainly lead to what could otherwise have been a great relationship ending. So, I can't necessarily say if there ARE things that Gemini needs to improve upon, but I'd agree it is a worthwhile exercise for him to ponder. Though, Gemini, don't make the mistake of thinking you can't do that without the attitude being that you did something wrong. You were wronged here, you did not do anything wrong. This is to change for your own better, to be better suited to find happiness, NOT changing because you did anything wrong for which you must pay penance.

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Originally Posted by TheEvilJester [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You were wronged here, you did not do anything wrong. This is to change for your own better, to be better suited to find happiness, NOT changing because you did anything wrong for which you must pay penance.

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No. Its both:
He doesnt need to pay penance and yes he was wronged.
That doesnt however mean he didnt do anything wrong.

I am saying he probably did. And im saying it was probably big time wrong.
Im not saying he did it intentionally. Im not saying the girl wasnt shit either. All im saying is that he PROBABLY did (or didnt do) something really unhealthy relationshipwise and messed up big time.

I guess you may be right, but at least based on what we know of the story he did not. Frankly, if we pretend, for the sake of argument, that he IS "bad in bed" as his ex claimed.... that's still not him doing something wrong. Again, not unless he was well aware he was bad and didn't care to do anything about it at all.

However, at the very least, I am sure there must be something he did that SHE considers an egregious enough offense to warrant such a punishment. I mean, she could just be a complete psycho who decides to hurt people for no reason.... but I'd venture to guess that probably isn't the case. There's probably some offense, no matter how minor, of which she thinks he is guilty (and maybe he is, maybe he isn't) that drove her to this.

Again, I think we both agree it doesn't make what she did okay in the slightest. He seems to be saying that, as far as he knew, things were great between them. I don't think he'd be saying that if they were at each other's throats all the time. So, whatever maybe he did or didn't do that upset her so, she apparently never shared it with him before deciding to do something so hurtful. Frankly, though I know it is hard to feel this way at first, you're much better off without her, Gemini.

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Originally Posted by TheEvilJester [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I guess you may be right, but at least based on what we know of the story he did not. Frankly, if we pretend, for the sake of argument, that he IS "bad in bed" as his ex claimed.... that's still not him doing something wrong.

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again: His ex didnt claim it. I claimed it. and if i am correct then he IS doing something wrong. At least he is not doing it right - if you know what i mean :D

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Originally Posted by TheEvilJester [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Again, not unless he was well aware he was bad and didn't care to do anything about it at all.

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He knows. See quote below:

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Originally Posted by Gemini10182 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I find sex too hard deal with. The whole thing is too emotional for me, and she knows this.

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Originally Posted by TheEvilJester [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

However, at the very least, I am sure there must be something he did that SHE considers an egregious enough offense to warrant such a punishment.

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I do not understand. she went and got her desires met. I agree that this is despicable and ethically uncorrect. I dont however see it as psychopathic or as punishment.

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Originally Posted by TheEvilJester [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

as far as he knew, things were great between them.

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Yeah well. thats always the case if people come here complaining about "finding it out"
Things were not great obviously. At least not for her anyways.

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Originally Posted by TheEvilJester [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So, whatever maybe he did or didn't do that upset her so, she apparently never shared it with him before deciding to do something so hurtful.

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Would You tell your repeatedly sexually misused partner that they lack sexual skills? As a woman?

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Originally Posted by TheEvilJester [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Frankly, though I know it is hard to feel this way at first, you're much better off without her, Gemini.

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this much we can agree upon.
I know this is hard for you gemini. And Im adding to it with my assumtions. And I feel sorry for you. But that doesnt help you.
If you think I am right we can discuss your assumed sexual insecurities, however i think youd be better of with a real therapist regarding that.
I am sorry for what you have gone through earlier in your life and what you are going through now.
The past is past and you cannot change that. However you can establish thoughts, values, actions, skills and beliefs that will help you to change the future into how you would like it to be.
If you would like it to be without any sex and that is fine for you - then thats ok. If you would like it to be in a way where you can fully enjoy sexual contact then that is ok too. That much is up to you.
I am trying to tell you that you have all the power within you to makre sure that what you want your future to be like - you can make it happen instead of just letting "random" acts happen to you.
I am trying to give you understanding about how you can change those "random" acts into much more controlled scenarios.
And that cannot happen with standing there and going like: "the world is so unfair to me. It does everything to me and i cant do anything about it..."
Sometimes you cant. You surely cant to anything about the past. But most of the time that belief is unhelpfull to the point of self fullfilling bullshit.

No, don't forgive. Doesn't matter if you "foolishly" still love her. She DOESN'T love you. Enough info to know that so that should be the end of you talking with her.

On an unrelated side note...

Hooo, I've gotta say I have really been enjoying your contributions here. I often find you and I seem to agree, but perhaps even more importantly, when we don't you always seem to be able to disagree so respectfully. That's a talent many do not have, which is such a shame. Conversations can be splendid when you agree with each other.... but they can be that much more rich and interesting when you actually don't, yet can still discuss it with the utmost of respect for each other and your thoughts and opinions.

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Originally Posted by Hooo! [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

again: His ex didnt claim it. I claimed it. and if i am correct then he IS doing something wrong. At least he is not doing it right - if you know what i mean :D

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Actually, I think he did mention that his ex said that as well. I think he said that was the excuse she gave.

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Originally Posted by Hooo! [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I do not understand. she went and got her desires met. I agree that this is despicable and ethically uncorrect. I dont however see it as psychopathic or as punishment.

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It isn't the act of cheating in and of itself that makes me think it was an intentional punishment on her part. I don't have any forgiveness for somebody who would cheat.... but in some cases they didn't cheat maliciously, intending to hurt their partner. They cheated out of selfishness, even if just a temporary selfishness. It's more so some of the details specific to this situation that makes me feel like it was an intentional punishment and not just a "Whoops! How did we let this happen" kind of situation. The fact that she cheated specifically with his best friend..... the attitude in which she carried herself once caught (ex: trying to act almost like he deserved it/had it coming rather than to acknowledge she had done something terrible), etc. Things like that are why I think this particular instance may have been purely intentional on her part and deliberately meant to hurt him.

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Originally Posted by Hooo! [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Would You tell your repeatedly sexually misused partner that they lack sexual skills? As a woman?

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Fair enough. That certainly isn't a pleasant discussion to have. But, in a good relationship, the partners need to be able to talk about anything, even when it is an uncomfortable topic. But, for the sake of argument, let's pretend for a minute that she was just too uncomfortable with the prospect of discussing such a topic..... Fine.... then break up with the guy. Don't go behind his back and do something so hurtful, deliberately or otherwise, to fulfill your selfish needs. Don't get me wrong, wanting your needs, even your sexual desires, to be fulfilled ISN'T selfish.... but wanting them fulfilled by any means necessary even if it hurts somebody IS.


All that said, we definitely both seem to agree that it never hurts to strive for a little self-improvement. So, I do agree Gemini would be well served to work on his issues with intimacy. Again, that's something he should change IF he wishes to, and not FOR somebody else. So, I think we both agree that he could help himself out by improving in this nature, and I think we both agree that, no matter the supposed excuse, he didn't (nor does anybody) deserve such hurtful treatment.

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Originally Posted by TheEvilJester [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It isn't the act of cheating in and of itself that makes me think it was an intentional punishment on her part. I don't have any forgiveness for somebody who would cheat.... but in some cases they didn't cheat maliciously, intending to hurt their partner. They cheated out of selfishness, even if just a temporary selfishness. It's more so some of the details specific to this situation that makes me feel like it was an intentional punishment and not just a "Whoops! How did we let this happen" kind of situation. The fact that she cheated specifically with his best friend..... the attitude in which she carried herself once caught (ex: trying to act almost like he deserved it/had it coming rather than to acknowledge she had done something terrible), etc. Things like that are why I think this particular instance may have been purely intentional on her part and deliberately meant to hurt him.

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doubt it
i think it rather more of angry self defense. Angry that the guy didnt meet her needs and she was "forced" to do what she did perhaps. I dont see the motive for intentionally hurting him - especially regarding his back story (she knows that he is this way (up until now) because of circumstances he had no control over and because he did not learn to cope with the results in a way that is usefull to her). It doesnt fit that both the girl and the boy want to "punish" their best friend. I think its rather something of a justification. (not that it is any good - but i doubt its intentionally malicious)
There are very few people who are intentionally malicious. Especially to people they love.

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Originally Posted by TheEvilJester [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Fair enough. That certainly isn't a pleasant discussion to have. But, in a good relationship, the partners need to be able to talk about anything, even when it is an uncomfortable topic. But, for the sake of argument, let's pretend for a minute that she was just too uncomfortable with the prospect of discussing such a topic..... Fine.... then break up with the guy. Don't go behind his back and do something so hurtful, deliberately or otherwise, to fulfill your selfish needs. Don't get me wrong, wanting your needs, even your sexual desires, to be fulfilled ISN'T selfish.... but wanting them fulfilled by any means necessary even if it hurts somebody IS.

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agreed. perhaps she thought that breaking up would hurt the guy too. so thats why she didnt. (another thing that fits to her not being intentionally malcious). That this doesnt make it better is obvious

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Originally Posted by TheEvilJester [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

All that said, we definitely both seem to agree that it never hurts to strive for a little self-improvement. So, I do agree Gemini would be well served to work on his issues with intimacy. Again, that's something he should change IF he wishes to, and not FOR somebody else. So, I think we both agree that he could help himself out by improving in this nature, and I think we both agree that, no matter the supposed excuse, he didn't (nor does anybody) deserve such hurtful treatment.

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yes

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Originally Posted by TheEvilJester [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Hooo, I've gotta say I have really been enjoying your contributions here. I often find you and I seem to agree, but perhaps even more importantly, when we don't you always seem to be able to disagree so respectfully. That's a talent many do not have, which is such a shame. Conversations can be splendid when you agree with each other.... but they can be that much more rich and interesting when you actually don't, yet can still discuss it with the utmost of respect for each other and your thoughts and opinions.

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thank you. same here.

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Originally Posted by Hooo! [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

doubt it
i think it rather more of angry self defense. Angry that the guy didnt meet her needs and she was "forced" to do what she did perhaps. I dont see the motive for intentionally hurting him - especially regarding his back story (she knows that he is this way (up until now) because of circumstances he had no control over and because he did not learn to cope with the results in a way that is usefull to her). It doesnt fit that both the girl and the boy want to "punish" their best friend. I think its rather something of a justification. (not that it is any good - but i doubt its intentionally malicious)
There are very few people who are intentionally malicious. Especially to people they love.

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I don't know. You may be right. I just don't have a very positive image of human beings after the life I've lived. That and, again, the fact that this happened with his best friend.... not just any guy, but his BEST FRIEND makes it hit me as feeling deliberate on her part. I guess only she really knows, though. But, it is entirely possible it was just something that happened where she hadn't meant it to happen, didn't maliciously seek out to hurt him... but then just responds poorly to being caught doing something wrong. So, rather than react the way a mature, considerate human being would in feeling very bad and admitting they'd done wrong, instead she lashes out and acts like he is to blame and not her.

So, perhaps I'm being a tad overly cynical. I just don't really have a lot of sympathy for cheaters. ...Which now that I ponder it is kinda weird I feel so vehemently about it. I've never been cheated on, never cheated on anybody else. Not sure why I feel so strongly about it. LOL! I guess it just feels, to me, like a particularly egregious offense. I guess because I once believed so deeply in love (I no longer do) that it just feels like a slap in the face to common decency to me. Like the lowest of the low.

nope. drop both of them. he's not your friend.
you may want to seek counseling for your childhoos abuse to get help there - which will help you find the tools and knowledge to avoid attrating these type of people into your life who will do this to you.

sorry to hear about all of this. hang in there.

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Originally Posted by TheEvilJester [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So, perhaps I'm being a tad overly cynical. I just don't really have a lot of sympathy for cheaters. ...Which now that I ponder it is kinda weird I feel so vehemently about it. I've never been cheated on, never cheated on anybody else. Not sure why I feel so strongly about it. LOL! I guess it just feels, to me, like a particularly egregious offense. I guess because I once believed so deeply in love (I no longer do) that it just feels like a slap in the face to common decency to me. Like the lowest of the low.

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Oh - but you want to!
You are just afraid.
you are a very hurt person covering it up with cynism.
I would be glad hearing your story in another thread. We can work it out.