Newly single, clueless (saga!)
Umm. Hopefully I'm in the right room, my intent isn't quite to make this a thread about a break-up necessarily, rather what to do after it, and my heart isn't quite broken feeling (just confused, maybe?) so...
But the fact remains that I am a person who has recently broken up with someone, and that the implications of this are racking my psyche.
Basically I suppose the summation is along the lines of having trouble getting back into... life after a year long relationship. A relationship of the sort that leaves one wondering exactly what "normal" is. I have trouble knowing quite what to do with myself, and know I have to get myself out there, but I get lonely, occasionally even for her, who I do still love, but just can't-
Well, let's gather up some backup saga, hopefully it'll be entertaining enough at least to endear a bit, as this was short of a normal relationship:
We met up a year before we got together, and a few months after that she moved in with me. We'd always had a lot in common, could talk for hours and bond and laugh over things... Then again, I always knew she was a bit less than sane. I had it in my mind, somehow, that if I could show her how loveable she was, it would somehow extinguish the self esteem and paranoia problems engrained in her...
So it steadily became obvious that this wouldn't quite be the case. She was constantly intimidated by me, viewing me as a god, constantly afraid that I'd do something, and she'd just have to agree with it, because that was her way; completely dependant on me. I was her world, her obsession, in a way that wasn't healthy. She was horribly jealous, and would throw tantrums; her behavior both in front of my friends, and in regards to me having a social life at all, basically killed my social life. She needed constant attention from me to make sure she wouldn't have a breakdown, and I was always a fairly independant person...
Then she'd feel guilty, try to go along with anything that I did that bothered her without speaking up about it, and as a result, harbor resentment for me. We'd argue (often about the stupidest, littlest things, or bizzarre, off the wall accusations on her part), and I found myself being forced to yell at her, because in her opinion, if I was calm throughout things (and I er... was... a fairly calm person before) then I was "cold", and she wouldn't listen.
I hated having to yell at her, because I loved her. I hated resenting her for basically ruling me by virtue of her tantrums, and encumbering my social life, because I loved her. I stayed with her for a year after all that began, because I loved her. Even after she started threatening suicide, and I had to call the cops once on her to drag her away to make sure it didn't happen because she'd called me while I was away (at a final, actually). I stayed with her for nine months after that. And in ways, she did seem to be getting better... But at times I know that she was doing things basically against her will to please me, and it didn't always for the moment make her happy, or give her good feelings towards me.
And she continued to lapse into rages and bouts of cutting herself, threatening suicide; those lapses just became too much for me to bear at some point, and I realized I was becoming a fairly dour, restricted person as a result of my being with her, and it really wasn't fair to her... I felt horrible, but I had to end it. She begged me not to, and promised she could change... But I knew that if she had been capable of changing, she would have done it before; it wasn't her fault, and I knew she didn't want to be the way she was... But it wasn't going to work.
Towards the end, I think the fact that we're both horrible perverts was the only thing that was keeping it together, which was sad.
That was a month ago.
The big problem was that she had nowhere to go, so I had to let go of her completely; the only place for her to go at that point was with her parents, on the opposite end of the country (New York, I'm in CA). I kept up communications with her for a bit, her behavior was... An erratic mix of begging for me back, hating me, and doing things to apparently make me jealous... Before she cut off contact with me altogether.
Which hurt. A lot. Because I mean... I still do love her. I don't quite regret breaking up with her, at least for a while, til we're both a bit more grown up, and a bit more self sufficient (through this period we were both just college students, and I haven't been able to find work since graduating, so we were basically both living on my parents' bill as well. Which was a worry in itself). So... When she stopped talking to me outright (which I know, might be something we both need, for a while), it really was like losing a best friend; even though we were at each others necks, when times were good, they were occasionally really good. It's just that when they were bad... They were horrible. And that was frequent.
...
Ok, that leads us to the present day. Basically after a year of insanity, it's hard to know what to do with myself. I know I shouldn't plunge into a serious relationship, but I get lonely.
On top of that, I need to make friends again... Basically, my friends through this were absolutely amazing, and were there for me in ways that bring a tear to my eye, and continue to be... Problem being, that half of them are out of state at the moment, and the other half are "grown-ups" now mostly, with jobs, families, etc... Where I'm still sort of in college student, bachelor mode.
And I have no clue where to go to find friends, where to meet girls... I'm afraid this city doesn't have much in the way of youth culture. In reality, I know I should either move to somewhere that does, or to where my friends mostly are at the moment, but... Unemployment, broke.
And I'm... Really, really lonely actually. There just seems to be so little I can do to alleviate this. I've gone on a couple dates, no one's blown me away for a while (or any other way for that matter :lol:)
Uhh. I guess I know what to do. Maybe? Get myself out there in some form, whatever form I can think of? But I could use some encouragement, some suggestions for how to do that... I mean, I'm sure I'm not the first person who's been in this situation, right?
I mean I'm not miserable; I can finally do a host of things I was unable to do largely with her around, I'm again focusing on developing myself instead of worrying constantly about her mental wellbeing... But... Yes, loneliness, and the need for a social life a bit closer than 300 miles away (which is how long I drive every couple weeks to see my friends).
At least, I got a Valentine from her, which was unexpected. Which actually made me feel really, really good. I know she can't see this far into the future (one of her problems, along with acute selfishness), but... I still have hope, that in the future she'll have developed past that, and once she does... She'll be amazing. And something tells me that we'll be together again someday...
But til then, I need to live my life. Apologies for writing a novel, I've needed to vent as you can see. It was only a month ago I suppose, so I shouldn't be hoping for the world, I guess. Any suggestions?
