(How) To break up (or not?)

Hi,

This is my first posting on this form and actually my first posting in a romance/relationship forum.

I'm writing because I realized I'm involved in a relationship with a rather bland future. I'm an information junkie - computer programmer, SciFi fan, shutterbug, listening to audiobooks whenever I drive, always trying to read, see or do something that makes a difference. My girlfriend likes gourmet food, reading romance novels, dancing, music, musicals, movies, clubbing, drinking and traveling, but she doesn't have a passion for anything and admitted not having any hobby. I also like to travel but I consider dancing an utter waste of time, and if I could take a pill instead of lunch, I'd be the happiest. We also like watching movies, but different genres, and music is for me a pleasant background noise on which I do something too mentally intensive to allow me to listen to information in spoken form.

And that's not all of it. I'm an achiever, she admits she hasn't achieved much in the last seven years. I read mind-boggling science fiction (Greg Egan), she reads gossip news and Sandra Brown. I love to learn, explore and discover, she goes by the old ways. She smokes, I don't. She's superstitious, I'm not. The things we find "cool" or interesting are seldom the same. I wish the day had 40 hours, she wastes hours each day reading gossip news or playing Solitaire at work, then complains not having time to read an interesting magazine or study for a test or course.

How did our relationship start? Almost a year ago (I was 24, she 29), I came to work in the US and met her at work (we work together and she'd never work elsewhere - she's my boss's niece). It seemed then that we were both in need of affection, we had the opportunity to be together, we had sex, we liked it, did it whenever we had the chance, and so it happened in spite of all the differences. I actually remember her wondering that we were so different. Anyway, sex is the strongest thing we seem to have in common, but I doubt it's enough to keep a relationship alive. For example I'd like to try swinging but she's quite opposed to the very idea. Recently, she clearly avoided having sex (lately we did it about once or twice a month) and refused my invitations, at the same time telling me that she loves me, and sometimes telling me that she wants me, but feels uncomfortable making love elsewhere than in an appartment I should move in (I rent a room now). Today, after refusing another occasion of having sex, she told me something that puzzled me: basically, she knows that I am frustrated from the lack of sex and she refrains from having sex with me, using this as a "secret weapon" (!?).

But... she's so uninteresting to me. I'm not a genius or anything, but as hard as I try, I don't get it when every day she surfs on gossip news sites from her native country (not even US news; she has little idea of the public events that are going on around us and I don't recall her proposing that we go somewhere to an event, like a premiere, an air show or a meteor shower) instead of at least reading local news, if not reading about her problems. She's starting to get overweight, she's poorly paid because she doesn't want to start studying for the GMAT, she's anorgasmic (I gave her printed articles about that topic but she ignored them). The majority of the topics she brings up in discussions are related to people, mostly relatives from her home country. Maybe once or twice in our relationship I heard her saying "I read/heard somewhere that...". Although I installed a dictionary on her computer, she doesn't double-click its icon to look up words she doesn't know (at best, she asks me if I originate the word, otherwise ignores it). I installed Encarta on her computer but she never launched it or mentioned it. We have opposite Myers-Briggs types (INTJ vs. ESFP).

She doesn't really like to explore. Although she claims to like traveling and wants to tour the world, the places (restaurants, plazas, amusement parks etc.) she knows are places where someone else took her in the past or where she *had to* go. She's afraid of all sorts of things, and generally stressed about the minute details of everyday life.

I never felt that she was a "match", let alone "the one".

I recurrently think that she was the biggest mistake of my life.

Generally, I feel bad that I won't be able to make her happy unless I make myself unhappy. Or that we'll live a dull life, just peacefully getting along with each other without sparks. There's a saying that behind any great man is a great woman. I want to become a great man but I don't feel she could be my 'engine'. The feeling of being trapped in a dead-end relationship is becoming stronger and stronger. I don't want to break the relationship because I don't want to hurt her (she was hurt quite badly in the past) and she claims she's the happiest with me. Otherwise, she is a kind person and we almost never had an argument. Her kindness, my not wanting to hurt her, sex, hope that she'll change, and the fact that I'm practically alone in America, are the reasons I'm afraid of dumping her.

As an added issue, she wants us to move together. I feel like I'm entering a trap.

What should I do? Try to enjoy the very few things we seem to have in common, get married and have a child to forget about or differences? I have the feeling that I'll regret the day I made such a decision and find myself in my 40s looking for an *interesting* partner.

Some of you may suggest talking to her, but I can't say all these things to her without making her feel VERY bad about herself.



Thank you for any ideas.

"It is the common factors which make it enjoyable, but the little differences which make relationships interesting."

Ultimately if you are much to different things will never work out, as a result I recommend that you break up. You cannot change her to suit you, nor should she even want to or try. Nor should you change to try and suit her tastes, if either of you did change to suit the other more the again, ultimately things would not work out.

Talk things over with her by all means and explain your problems, and yes you both may well be able to sort things out. But bare in mind ultimately if you are both too different things won't be interesting but boring as you both make compromises to satisfy the other and stay together.

Paragraphs?? Impressive!! But still too long for me to read.

igor2----"But... she's so uninteresting to me. I'm not a genius or anything, but as hard as I try, I don't get it when every day she surfs on gossip news sites from her native country"

Thankfully you did post in paragraphs!
So your relationship was based on sex/attraction. And now she's withholding it from you as a weapon? Sex aside, what do you guys talk about. Do you like talking to her, discussing stuff with her? Compatibility has to do with a meeting of the minds. Doesn't sound like you enjoy her company.
Sometimes I see couples in a restaurant, not talking to each other. They're not fighting, just eating in silence....'pass the salt'. They have absolutely NOTHING to say to each other. That sounds like death to me.

Hello all,

Thanks for your answers! As you have probably figured out, I'm not a native English speaker, so I really didn't get the allusions to my writing in paragraphs... Can someone explain please?

Chlorine,

Quote:

---

So your relationship was based on sex/attraction. And now she's
withholding it from you as a weapon?

---

Today she said she was joking when she said that, but I'm not so sure. How can I tell if she's lying that she playfully wants to frustrate me or if she actually doesn't like having sex?

Quote:

---

Sex aside, what do you guys talk about.

---

Very good question. I ofter ask myself, what the heck are we talking about. Well: we work together, so we can talk about things that happen at work; then travel arrangements, foods (she's an expert in foods, I could care less), from time to time I ask her about how things go here in the US, but I'm becoming more adapted than her (she's been here for seven years, I for almost one year)

Quote:

---

Do you like talking to her, discussing stuff with her?

---

No. I can't discuss any of my interests because she doesn't share them, nor do I share her interests but I try to keep a conversation. In the past I tried to find out what makes her tick, what she enjoys, but she couldn't answer. Then I tried to encourage her to do something with her life, quit smoking, resume exercising, but she said she was very comfortable with her situation (which during the last six years was, professionally, a flatline).
Another problem I think is the fact that she's not proud to talk about the stuff she reads ("Dear Abby", or gossip news for example), and when I talk about the stuff I read she only replies "Cool!". She seldom asks me questions and prettu much the only research she conducts is about hotels and foods.

It's funny that after we leave from a movie, we don't talk at all about it. She almost never expresses any opinion, I think that's how she manages to never raise an argument with me. Yes, she's concilliatory and she takes care of me, but I've had much richer discussions with former girlfriends.

Quote:

---

Compatibility has to do with a meeting of the minds. Doesn't sound like you enjoy her company.

---

Phyisically, I tremendously enjoy holding her in my arms, but that's neediness.

Quote:

---

Sometimes I see couples in a restaurant, not talking to each other.
They're not fighting, just eating in silence....'pass the salt'.
They have absolutely NOTHING to say to each other.
That sounds like death to me.

---

Now that I have this question clear in my mind, I'll actually pay attention to what the hell we're talking about, because we don't have awkward pauses in conversation, so we must talk about something, even though nothing to remember.

I think that maybe reading some of her news will enable me to talk more to her, even though it will be about crap that doesn't make the slightest difference.

I'm confused... What do you guys/gals talk about with your partners?

Thanks for all your help, any new ideas are warmly welcome.
Igor

...and what are your downfalls?

Be straight up and honest. Forget about hurting her feelings. Better now than later when things have progressed even more.

one thing i wouldnt be able to stand and that i also havent been able to : its when a woman has nothing but crap to talk about ... ohh this and that is getting married with j.lo , blah blah bla , its a bunch of shit and i dont understand why women like this sensless bullshit . why would ANYONE want to read on an actor or their lives or something soo dumb and useless as shoes? ...please tell me why? i find it soo annoying , i havent meet any WOMAN wich i was able to have an intelligent conversation with , except if it had something to do with our relationship . all the ppl i'v had smart conversations were all guys . but i understand its common for women to be like that so i accept it and when its just too much i just nod my head and block out what shes saying (btw i did this once and it wasnt even my gf , some annoying girl in HS)

btw dude thread starter , women dont like the things us men like , for example : sports ..so its only normal if women dont read and do the same things we read and do ...of course theres exceptions .

Hi igor2

Yeh, I am not going to delve into depths and ask for more information like the others. I think you have pretty much said everything that needed to be said. You are not happy in this relationship and by the looks of things the longer you stay in it the unhappier you will get. Your unhappines in turn will find a negative exposure and will rub off on your gf making her unhappy as well. I have very few doubts that you will cheat on this girl if you stay in this relationship (Since you already demonstrated your openess to swinging and the fact that sex is the main if not the only attraction that draws you two together - and even that is beginning to thin out). Relationship is a two way road, it takes a minimum of two people to build and maintain. You have stated every single reason possible for your NEED to take a turn onto another road in a completely different direction and therefore i simply can't see how this is going to work out if you are THAT unhappy in this relationship to the point where you feel trapped.

I can understand how you don't want to hurt her by breaking up, but from reading what you typed i strongly believe that you will hurt her even more if you stay with her...

Look on the bright side, at least you did not rush into a marriage with the wrong person...

Anyways, these are just MY opinions. Feel free to disagree. Good luck!!! :)