What a mess I've made

I have been with my husband for 18 years. We were having problems & I decided we should separate & told him I was moving out. We both were hanging on to allot of resentments & issues. He fought it but I felt it would be better if we worked on these things separately as were going nowhere fast together. I still loved him but didnt know if I was In Love with him. I knew I didnt like him. He is a recovering alcoholic & blamed all our problems on me. Towards the end, before I left, I separated myself from him mentally, emotionally & physically. I had a male friend I worked with who I use to talk to about my problems. He in turn would tell me about the problems he was having with his girlfriend. While in the process of packing & looking for a place, my friend (who I call Mike) & I were starting to develop feelings for each other. He had broken up with his girlfriend & was starting to make a play for me. He was everything my husband was not & provided me with everything my husband wouldnt. As I was looking for a place, Mikes roommate had decided to move out of state so now he was looking for a place as well. He talked me into getting a place together to save money. I didnt have much hope for my marriage & felt I would probably file for divorce, so I thought what the heck & we rented a place together May 1st. My husband doesnt know where I live & thinks I live with a girlfriend. I told him that as he was very upset & was trying to get me to come home. In mid May, I was laid off. I found with all this time alone, I had time to think about things & get past allot of the resentment Id been hanging on to. I also had time to see what was going on in my current relationship with Mike. After we moved in together, he became a different person. I find that he is moody, suffers from depression & is a little unstable. He has a very low, almost non-existent sex drive, is bossy, possessive & very critical. I knew him a year before we hooked up & these were things he hid very well. He makes a good friend but a very strange boyfriend. Every Sunday since Ive left, Ive gone over to my husbands house to sort thru things, box them up & bring some stuff back here. (We have allot of stuff) During this time, my husband & I have had some long, very productive talks. We have both let go of all the hurt from the past & he has moved out of the dry drunk stage. He has 3 years clean & sober & is now, finally out of the anger stage. He now admits to all the problems he caused in the marriage & takes responsibility. Now that we have put allot of issues behind us, we find that we are falling in love with each other all over again. I feel things for him that I havent felt in years. He has again become the man I married (before the alcohol). We decided to take things slow, still living apart for a bit & see how things go. I know he is the one I want, not Mike. So, how do I get out of this relationship? Mike is unstable. He has even driven by my husbands house since weve been together. I realize it was a big mistake to move in with Mike, I should have gotten a place of my own but I didnt think things would work out with my husband. I dont know what Mike will do when I break this off. I dont know if he will try & approach my husband, who knows nothing about Mike. I dont know what my husband would do if he found out. I dont want to do anything that would jeopardize getting back with my husband. I dont know if Mike will walk away or stock me as he has become obsessed. I want him to move as this place is full of all my stuff not his. I dont even know what to say or do about this. Suggestions would be appreciated.[/list][/list][/b]

it is really great you and your husband like each other again, that's good ... and this Mike guy, he's scared!

the best thing to do is first get a place of your own. move out of Mike's and do not yet move in with your husband. the first because he's no good, you said it for yourself, the second because you not need to overstep things now, you've gone through a lot and it's better to first get things on the road again for yourself and really go back to dating your husband ... start all over with him!

once you are on yourself you'll get a better view of the whole situation that's going on. take some time for yourself and enjoy the nights out and time together with your husband, get that crazy feeling all over again

then Mike ... get away of him, he sounds no good for your relationship with your husband and also no good for your selfesteem. and about Mike and your husband ... you wanna start all over again with your husband? then don't keep any secrets from him. tell him what you told us, that he was there for you, you needed a place to live, things seemed to work ok but now he's a possesive loser you want to get out of your life. your husband will support you on this and you both have a clean start of your new relationship

please let us hear from you again how things develop!

Thanks for your response. As far as moving, I paid the first month, the last month & the security deposit for this place. I know for a fact Mike would not reimburse me. Since I am currently unemployed I can not afford to move. In addition, everything in the house is mine. Therefore, I would like him to move & I think he would. He couldn't afford the rent here by himself. Now in regards to telling my husband, I know I need to be honest with him but I am afraid of his reaction. He has chosen not to date or see anyone in hopes we may get back together. I think he would be very angry. I really don't want to jeopardize my relationship with him & what we've accompolished so far. I realize I made a mistake getting involved with Mike. I believe he took advantage of my situation in putting up this false front & trying to provide me with everything that was missing in my marriage. Now that he thinks he has me, his true self has immerged. Mike tells me how much he loves me & wants me to divorce & marry him. He is a very insecure person & I believe not real stable. I'm not sure what to tell him in order to end this relationship so that he doesn't become vindictive.

ok ... you said it yourself about Mike, that's the first thing to do, let him move out. you need to be on yourself right now. I can not predict what he will do, but you have to take the risk (if any), because staing with him is more of a problem that leaving him (or let him leave you).

and I still am convinced you should tell your husband about your current situation with Mike. it might come in handy that he knows what kind of person this Mike is. and what do you think will happen if he finds out in about half a year, when things are really going great again between you and your husband? how will he react if he then finds out you have been lieing (sp?) to him? then he will not trust you no more I guess.

and the fact the he promissed he wouldn't see anybody because he hoped you would go back together again doesn't mean you were supposed to stay 'clean'. you broke up with him because you didn't like it anymore, then it's pretty strange that you're not going to see anyobdy else because you're hoping to get back together again. you broke up, so you probably were open to new relations ... he didn't want to brake up, so he wasn't open to anything new, get it?

let me know how things go ... good luck!