Confused and in the dark.
Hello,
My name is Andrew and I am a 25 years old
I am in a perdicament and I can not seem to find the light at the end of the tunnel regarding the situation. I will try my best to make this as clear as I can so that those who wish to offer advice, can.
This all started about a year and half ago, when I met this woman, lets call her Mary. Right off the bat we clicked really well. With in the first few times we hung out together we found ourselves back at my place, in bed, talking and fooling around. As fast as we were going it seemed I had found someone that I could be happy with. However, a few days after our last meeting she calls me and apologizes for leading me on and telling me that she did not wish to be anything more than friends. As much as this through me for a loop later in the same month we found each other back in bed cuddling and talking about how much we liked spending time with one another. Then again she backed off, saying that she did not want anything more than a friendship with me.
Months go by and nothing really went down. We hung out a few times, went to the movies, a concert or two and had dinner. Nothing more than friendly interaction. During this time together my feelings for her started to grow, even tho I reminded myself that Mary wanted nothing more than to be friends and I tried to respect that. I thought at that point I would rather be in her life as a close friend, than not be in her life at all.
One night she came over and we just hung out talking about this and that, when out of the blue she said "Let's play truth or dare"
Knowing full well that nothing big was going to come of this, I agreed and we started going back and forth. Slowly but surely our little game went from two friends having fun, to flirting and playing around. Nothing really came of it but, I could tell there was something more in the air than just us being friends.
After that night we did not see each other for a few weeks and during that time I really got to thinking about how much I liked Mary. One night I decided that I would call her up and tell her how I felt and see if maybe she felt anything remotely close to what I felt. She did not. I could tell that she was getting a little nervous on the phone and she asked me why being friends was not good enough, to which I replied, it was. I explained to her that I just wanted to be honest with her.
Anyway..
A few months passed and it was close to Christmas and I had met a new woman through a friend and we too hit it off(Lets just call her Lisa). I was not as attracted to Lisa as I was to Mary but, I still had fun hanging out with her and talking etc. Eventually Lisa and I hooked up. New Years comes and I find myself at a friends house where both Lisa and Mary are. I do not really find myself uncomfortable with the situation. Lisa and I arn't exactly boyfriend and girlfriend. Not to mention Mary and I are just friends.
12:00 rolls around and everyone is celebrating the new year. Lisa and I kiss softly, really not that big of a kiss and we smile and walk away from one another to celebrate with others. I decide to sit down after a few minutes and as soon as my butt hits the seat Mary jumps in my lap and lays this hard, passionate kiss right on me. Out of shock and little embarassment, I just sit there not really kissing back. What must have been 20 or so seconds, Mary stops kissing me and says "Happy New Year." Then proceeds to get off me and smile and walk away. I basically just continue to sit there in awe of what just happened. After a few minutes I get up and continue celebrating. At the end of the night Lisa and I go home together and spend the night.
This all happening almost a year ago. Since then Lisa and I have been living together, happily. I do not think we have fought once.
Mary and I see each other every few months at social gatherings, acting like nothing has changed between us. We still have the same excitement when we see each other etc.
Now this is where the problem arises. You see has much as I am content with being with Lisa, my feelings for Mary still have not changed. As much as I tell myself there will never be anything between us except friendship, my feelings still will not wane. In fact I can honestly say they have gotten stronger over the past eleven months. Needless to say this makes me feel both depressed (due to the fact that I am living with Lisa) and angry (due to the fact that obviously nothing will come of Mary and I.)
The thing that is making this the most difficult is, I can not see Lisa in the same light as Mary. Meaning I do not find Lisa as attractive. Another problem that has recently come into the light is, Mary is seeing someone. Which is making me very jealous. I know I should not be feeling that way but, for the life of me I can not get rid of these feelings.
I feel as if I should break it off with Lisa in the sence that I can not seem to get over my feeling for Mary. I feel as if I am doing her a grave injustice being with her, with such strong feelings for another woman.
I do not know what to do.
Should I just ride this out and stay with Lisa in hopes that my feelings with change?
Should I break up with Lisa because of my feelings?
Is Mary just some cruel woman that likes to play with me?
I honestly can not answer these questions for myself.
I do not know what to do. I really do not.
Should I tell Mary again how I feel?
Should I just keep this all to myself and hope it passes?
Should I tell Lisa what is going on?
If you have any questions feel free to ask. I tried the best I could in explaining this.
:(
