A year-long journey of Mixed Signals

Hello~

I've actually been rather doubtful about love forums, but it has reached a point where I need advice (hopefully from people who are more experienced). I'm eighteen this year and so is he. This makes us more inexperienced in general, especially since I was in an all girls school prior to the one we're attending, and his school before now was mostly filled with boys because it specialised in technology etc. Let's call him SDS.

I have to admit that it is my fault in some ways. When we initially met each other at a Student Council Selection Camp I wanted to make new friends (and he was pretty cute too) so I was just overall bubbly and said "Hi!" to him. He didn't bother to glance at me and muttered back "Hi." and I immediately thought he was being cold, rude, and very arrogant. This idea was only re-enforced when we had a committee bonding trip, and the boys teased him about always getting girls and being a player. My impression of him went from 0 to negative hundred. I started avoiding him and even when I met him, I sassed him terribly even though he was my superior (deputy head while I was the secretary). When he waved in school or smiled I blanked him out ie pretended I didn't see him or flatly ignored him. I despised him rather strongly, to the point where he asked my fellow female councillor if I was scared of him. Naturally that pissed me off even more because of his arrogance: that I was afraid of him?! He didn't help by not following me back on instagram since we councillors followed each other out of courtesy.

Little incidents kept popping up then, such as asking me if I was dating his friend (who I met during orientation), asking me for advice on English (right after talking about how he plays girls), being super grateful for typing out council stuff (err that's my job), sending me messages with smiley faces (which he later tells me that he doesn't do it because he's lazy; then why the hell did he do it before?) and then when we had a council vacation/chalet, he got himself and several other under-age councillors intoxicated. And as destiny would have it, he was the ONLY one sober out of the lot. I spent the night forcing them to drink water to flush out the alcohol (stupid children) and taking care of him. The next morning he thanked me while leaving the shower and I softened and replied it's okay rather than chewing him out as I intended. I was beginning to have doubts about him being a complete arse.

This belief cemented when we went for an overseas trip to Bintan where we had to help out at an orphanage. Being Indonesian, he hit off with the teenage boys while I got attention from the orphans because of my fair skin and so called "pretty face". I have no clue how it happened, but I ended up being questioned by the boys through SDS. They asked me "Between SDS and [other guy] who would you date?" I replied "Based on personality or looks?" They said "Personality". I wanted to wiggle my way out of the question and so I replied "Well I'm not close to SDS so I can't really answer." But for some strange reason, the boys started miming a book, and SDS said to me "They're right, I need to study first before I date you." I was rather angry by then for him acting like I was a toy [did I say I wanted to date you?!], so when they asked "But what if SDS gets snatched by another girl?" I replied coldly, "What girl would want you?" [Me apparently I know that was a low blow.] And he was torn between surprise, shock and a tinge of hurt. The boys were stunned but pressed on and I snapped "Well she can have him!" Before flouncing off.

When we went back to the hotel, I felt terrible. I mean yes he was being a little rude and arrogant but to say no girl would want him; now that was just nasty. I hadn't been genuinely nice either and gotten to know him; evidently since the children loved him and he was patient and kind with them. Feeling guilty I resorted to sending him a long awkward text message.

"I just wanted to apologise if I hurt your feelings at the orphanage when the children were asking all those questions and stuff... And also cause I know we haven't had a really good relationship (?) Like I heard from [female councillor] that you thought I was scared of you and like I haven't exactly been nice to you for the year and I'm sorry So explanation on what was going on at the orphanage (since I owe you that much at least) why I said I love and hate your personality. It's because you are unbearably and extremely annoying! I mean you can't just let me hate you in peace lolol. Firstly, I don't like the fact that you're difficult to read and have this superb poker face. You're normally so quiet and you come off so judgemental and irresponsible (especially when you go drinking and do crazy party shit). But then you have this other side to you that's (unfortunately for me) quite charming and just really sweet. So it's as though you have two sides of you and I'm really irritated that I can't hate you in peace And yeah so if you were hurt over what I said I'm sorry... But for the record, when they asked if I found you handsome I said yes so don't be mad at me kay and like I hope we can be better friends...? Kind of?? Idk this is awkward omg"

My awkward text which in the end received "lmao no hard feelings, It's cool, We cool, Lmao sorry my msg ain't as long but yeahhhh". I thought okay good brilliant! My conscience is clear. But somehow, he viewed this as a green light to start teasing me. He started dropping hints that he stalked me on instagram, he used my name in paranoia (ie you answer a question with the person's name). He saved me from a basketball [causing all his friends to call him knight in shining armour]. He used me in a dare by singing Justin Bieber to me, and to get back at him I used his name for several questions as well. Things like who will you take home as a one night stand for example. It was strange but people started to tease us, two councillors started it, and then his orientation house started doing so via sexually overt means like hip thrusts [boys being boys]. Stranger still when I suddenly gained instagram followers that were all HIS friends, but never him.

And then it hit a whole new level when my guy friend (the one he initially asked if I was dating) sent me a screenshot conversation involving a third friend [le's call him H]. H had seen me during break when I was walking past and looked at SDS. He thought I was pretty and had asked in the boys group chat who I was and if someone could introduce him to me. SDS sent him my contact number, but followed it up with "You don't deserve this identity". Naturally, I was slightly attracted to how he was flirting, shamelessly and obnoxiously, so I texted SDS and said teasingly "Interesting subject of your conversation". Bastard replied that someone hacked his phone HAHAHA and replied me while talking to that female councillor [who he asked if I hated him] about what happened and how to reply me.

It was fine when he sent me on a wild goose chase to text all his friends I mean, I knew it was me being played but I found it amusing to tease his friends and flirt by calling them sweet or cute etc. But it started getting out of hand when he passed me a note in economics lecture, started whispering my name continuously in lectures, and even sitting purposely behind me so he could annoy me. The worst was when he shouted my name when we left the lecture theatre and every single person in the vicinity turned around. I'm not a shy person, but I am a private person, so I was extremely mad and hurt he disturbed me and treated me like a puppet. [calling my name constantly? even our mutual friends asked if I was a dog]

Everything started going downhill from there. We started talking less, he stopped disturbing me, and when we had an event, the collaboration was a disaster due to miscommunication. He wasn't replying to group chats, I asked if he was okay, he say he was so I didn't push it; just offered a listening ear. And then the event was a disaster and stressed, forced to finish everything by myself, studying for exams, teachers hounding me and no manual support, I broke down crying and the councillors just watched as I exploded into vulgarities and avoided them like plague.

We completed the event well in the end, but by then the damage was done. I was estranged from them in a way. After the event, SDS blocked me on instagram and naturally I was hurt. I was hurt by the way he treated me, ignoring me etc. He didn't even dare to hand me the card he wrote in person because it was a one-liner (and you guessed it), him and his friends were laughing about those cards. He ignored me, and then blocked me, which was weird since his instagram account is public. It made no sense. But I was worried if I questioned him off the bat he would panic, and decided maybe he had some problems, and that I should give him some time to think through whatever it was he wanted.

And that was precisely what I did for three months, never texting him, never finding him, nothing except the occasional brush by in school, and even that was rare enough with our opposing subject combinations. And then we had a council reunion where the teachers wanted to see us with their gifts in a picture. Forced to meet them, I spent an excruciating time with them, and worse still in his presence. He stared, stared at me and held the eye contact before I broke it out of nervousness. He walked over, but then stopped and never said anything, lingering before turning back to his friends. By then I had enough.

That Saturday night, I texted him: "Did I upset you...?" "Lmao nope." "You're not angry with me either?" "Lmao nope" "Then can I ask why you blocked me on instagram...? If you didn't want to follow back it's fine but I didn't expect you to block me and umm I'm quite upset by it." The minute I dropped that question, he was typing and deleting, typing and deleting, offline, online before replying "Lmao nope?" Our conversation, even with me begging him proceeded on like that. Which was strange considering if you are going to reply me the same thing why bother at all [yes it was all lmao nope, lmao yup or lmao idk]. In short I asked him if he hated me, if I annoyed him, was I intimidating etc and it was all one word reply summing up that : he didn't know why he blocked me.

I called on that bullshit, but decided I had pressured him enough, and decided that we should have a talk after our final exams. He agreed with a "lmao yup" before cancelling it literally, and turning it into a "lmao nope". I was so done by that point, I told him I was ignoring all his other replies and that I looked forward to our conversation after our exams.

He initially avoided me after that incident, keeping his head down and literally shrinking in on himself. And then again, the gossiping among his friends started. Some knew about the block, some didn't. All they knew [in common at least] was that I had texted him, and they waved it like a victory flag [considering I ignore/dismiss most guys]. Those that knew he blocked me didn't ask why he blocked me. Instead they asked what I was thinking for texting him. I felt affronted; obviously if I had upset someone to the extent this person has to block me, I would want to know what's wrong and apologise no? Graduation was yesterday, and he spent the time talking about me again, his friends craning their necks to get a glimpse of me and him hitting me with that same intense eye contact which I returned and eventually broke with a smile [cause duh it felt good to have his attention]. But overall, I'm still confused, and my guy best friend [the one who sent me screenshots and stuff] doesn't know what to do either since SDS never mentioned this to him.

I've decided to follow through to meet up after our exams [because I am also genuinely concerned over the block beside wanting to see him again], but I want to know what I'm dealing with. Am I dealing with an arse? Am I at fault? My gut feeling hints he likes me, but he has sent so many mixed signals that I have no idea if it's even true. I know I definitely like him, because somewhere along the way I fell in love with all his flaws. Yes he may be cocky, arrogant, rude, but he is gentle, kind, observant, witty and smart too. The only problem is he doesn't seem to show it to me. Anymore at least. There are of course more incidences but this is long enough as it is. A year of mixed signals naturally results in this. I hope I can find answers since I'm afraid my emotional attachment is clouding my judgement.