Have feelings for male friend,confused, need advice please
Well, this is my first posting here. I've been trying to deal with this on my own but I don't have anyone to confide into - or at least who will take me seriously.
First off, This may get lengthy - I apologize in advance. I am a female, early 40's, never married, no children. I got a late start at this dating thing. My mother passed away in 2004 and I have been raising siblings up until recently so the thought of dating or anything remotely similar has not been a priority with me. Well, I have a decent job and through a co-worker I met a guy about 9 years younger than me. That's not an issue. Anyhow, we've known each other for quite a few years and it's always been a FWB situation with him. He will call or text me when he wants sex - sorry but just being honest. At first, it was fine with me, our needs were met, etc. Well, I then made a huge mistake of getting involved with a married man at work. That came to an end, the guy lost his job and we parted ways and that was it. Apparently I was not 'in love' with the married man because once he was gone, that was it. The relationship ended, we parted ways and I didn't look back other than regretting and having to live with my guilty feelings. But that is in the past. I learned my lessons and I moved on. Sorry if that sounds cold, but it's the only way I could handle it in my mind. And yes I am very sorry for what happened. Well, to my surprise, one day when I was with the FWB guy, he told me that he wanted a relationship with me but I was with MM at the time. Believe me, I was quite taken aback and I had no idea. That is how stupid and clueless I was. I was fighting depression, suicidal thoughts, acting like a teenager, and sever panic attacks that came after my mom's death and having to raise my siblings. I don't put the blame on anyone, it was me and all my doing. I know that. But FWB guy and I have remained friends to this day. My brother does not like him (he's a police officer) and my sister doesn't like the FWB guy either. And here's why:
I have a tendency to sabotage my life and it's a struggle not to talk to friends/family about FWB guy at times. Some of the things FWB guy has told me was that while seeing me, he was in love with another woman and seeing another girl (let's do the math - me, another girl, and the girl he was in love = 3 girls he was seeing at same time) He told me he loved the girl but she didn't have the same feelings because for one thing, she would not agree to open relationship. He then threatened suicide, taking pills, etc. I of course, ran to his house like an idiot when he called telling me he just took a handful of pills. I know, I'm a fool.
Another instance was when I was helping my brother out babysitting for them and FWB guy knew (he asked me to movies and I said I couldn't - was watching kids) his reply was "I'd just give them a benadryl or nyquil and come over" -- this kind of talk about my niece and nephew kept up with similar remarks whenever I would watch the kids. My brother paid me, I had the days off work, it was not a big deal - I love my family. But I told FWB guy that was rude and I did not like his comments, etc. He just laughed it off and was like, 'well I'd rather shoot myself than watch kids'
FWB guy and I went on a weekend trip to the mountains and he's an excellent photographer, so he took a lot of photos. But when I thought we'd be staying at a hotel (I even offered to pay half) he turned down an abandoned dirt road that was chained off - got out his lock picking kit and went to town. So we ended up staying the night in his truck. Hmm..uncomfortable times. And there I was feeling like a A** again.
We share similar interests; photography, computers, music, etc. However, whenever I try to show him the latest pics I took, he gets 'bored' and whips out his computer or ipad and shoves his latest pics in my face and totally overrides what I am showing him, and wants me to focus on his photos. That's annoying to say the least. And yes, it pi**ed me off as well. I finally got to the point to where I was saying, 'oh that's nice, now here's the ones I took of ___' but that didn't stop him from his insistence of showing me his photos. I gave up, got bored and went home. This happened on more than one occasion.
So, the latest thing is that he said he is going thru a 'quarter life crisis' and has been reflecting on his past choices, friends, etc. and is considering a nomadic lifestyle. Doing the whole RV-ing thing and dropping out of society so to speak. Well, good for him. He has proven several times that he can't keep a girlfriend, he'd rather date several people at once I guess, IDK. He is highly intelligent regarding computers but he got fired about a year ago and has been on unemployment ever since and trying to start a photography business but hasn't had much luck in paying the bills. Well, however he's doing it, he is in another state right now purchasing an RV and may move to NY because a friend of his said a job is waiting for him, all he has to do is move to NY. He's looking into RV parks near the area and it looks promising.
Here's my problem: As you may guess, I am sad - I feel sad that he is leaving. I made a grave mistake of telling him "I love you" - I meant it in a friend kind of way - he was literally the first man to give me flowers and presents, but I don't know what actual "love" feels like - and yes I am in my early 40's but I don't understand that feeling. Like right now I could cry my eyes out because I feel sad. But given my past of moving around (dysfunctional family) and never having a real friend or a real place to call home when I was younger, I tend to shove feelings aside and say to myself, 'eh, shut up and just deal with the fact another person is leaving and that's that' kind of attitude. *regarding his response to the 3 words I uttered - he didn't respond - just hugged me. I relayed to him it was a friend to friend love you but I guess I messed up.
So...why do I feel sad? Did this FWB thing get too personal with me? How do I get over this? Do I just chalk it up to another lesson? I don't want to see him before he goes, I don't want him to see me cry over the fact that he is leaving, any suggestions please? I feel really crummy for feeling this way towards him, especially regarding the very few examples I gave you as to why he would not win an 'upstanding citizen of the year' award. A part of me is really mad that I am feeling this way. Could it be just that I feel sad because another friend is leaving my life?
If you've read this far, thanks and again, I am sorry it is so long, but any advice or suggestions or anything would be helpful - and honesty please. Don't sugar-coat it. I want to hear the truth.
Thanks.
ctalon
