I don't know what role she is supposed to play in my life.

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13-07-12, 03:41 PM
veritas

I don't know what role she is supposed to play in my life.
Hi everyone. I don't really know where to begin. I'm 19 now. I met this girl in high school, she was/is two years my senior. I was in 10th grade and literally from the moment I first met her and we exchanged looks I fell in love with her. Cheesy, I know, but three years later that feeling hasn't changed. As time went by we got to know each other and she became a very close friend to me. There are a few people you meet in life that you have a spark with, that you feel like you've known them forever, and I had such a spark with her. But I never told her straight out that I loved her, because:
1. I'm really shy
2. Zero experience with girls my age so to me she's like an endgame boss
3. I'm younger than her
4. She's pretty and pretty girls make me nervous, as ridiculous as that sounds
5. She's way out of my league
6. She told me, explicitly enough, that she only sees us as friends ('you're like a brother to me', that whole deal)
Plus she's been in a relationship with someone else for most of the time I've known her. I know this sounds like a disaster for me, but I love and care for her so/too much to cut her out of my life or to move on, I guess. I want her to be happy but I want to be the reason. That's my problem, though: I feel like I won't ever be that reason. I'm not her type, I don't go to school with her, distance, etc. The relationship between us is mostly one-sided. I make all the effort to see her. She rarely answers my texts or calls, and when she does it's usually about a problem she is having (which I'm more than glad to help her with but god, I just want her to talk to me sometimes like a real person).

I'm at my wit's end. I feel drained and tired from spending so much effort and time for one person and having them only give back like, 1/10000th of that. I love her but it's been almost three years of wanting what I can't have, but how am I supposed to get over someone when a single word from her makes me feel like I'm glowing and have butterflies in my stomach? I'm literally in awe of how great she is and how I'm lucky to have someone like her in my life, even like this. I'm rational when it comes to analyzing my relationship with her, and what I should do about it. But when push comes to shove, I still love her, and then I feel stuck. I can't help it. I've been lectured more times than I can count about the friendzone but I could care less when I feel the way I do when I'm with her.

If you said I was in an unhealthy relationship I wouldn't disagree with you. What should I do? Does it get better or easier? Am I doomed?
13-07-12, 04:39 PM
searock

Quote:

Originally Posted by veritas [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm not her type, I don't go to school with her, distance, etc. The relationship between us is mostly one-sided. I make all the effort to see her. She rarely answers my texts or calls, and when she does it's usually about a problem she is having (which I'm more than glad to help her with but god, I just want her to talk to me sometimes like a real person).

I'm at my wit's end. I feel drained and tired from spending so much effort and time for one person and having them only give back like, 1/10000th of that.

Then stop doing it. It obviously cannot work. I suggest you confess your feeling to her once and for all, get rejected, and move on. At least you will have tried, and I think it will help to open your eyes to the fact that it's not something you can spend 3 years of your life pining over. It's not worth it, believe me. I think you're using this crush as an excuse (unconsciously of course) to not meet other girls that you might actually have a chance with. You just need to get a bit of perspective and you'll realize that what you feel is not actually "love". You need to know a person really well in order to be in love with them - there needs to be a fair exchange of intimacy and closeness, which in this case goes only one way.

Quote:

I love her but it's been almost three years of wanting what I can't have, but how am I supposed to get over someone when a single word from her makes me feel like I'm glowing and have butterflies in my stomach? I'm literally in awe of how great she is and how I'm lucky to have someone like her in my life, even like this. I'm rational when it comes to analyzing my relationship with her, and what I should do about it. But when push comes to shove, I still love her, and then I feel stuck. I can't help it. I've been lectured more times than I can count about the friendzone but I could care less when I feel the way I do when I'm with her.

If you said I was in an unhealthy relationship I wouldn't disagree with you. What should I do? Does it get better or easier? Am I doomed?

You aren't in a relationship at all. You sound unhealthily obsessed, which is anyway pretty common at your age. If generally gets easier because you realize that it's not worth it at all to waste time on a girl who not only doesn't like you back, but will call you only when she needs you for something. She's not that perfect, is she? Really, all you have to do is open your eyes and stop being so afraid of love.
13-07-12, 05:16 PM
Charlie Boy II

Quote:

Originally Posted by veritas [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

[*]Zero experience with girls my age so to me she's like an endgame boss

ROFL. Nice analougy
13-07-12, 11:08 PM
Cerby
Quote:
Originally Posted by veritas [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Hi everyone. I don't really know where to begin. I'm 19 now. I met this girl in high school, she was/is two years my senior. I was in 10th grade and literally from the moment I first met her and we exchanged looks I fell in love with her. Cheesy, I know, but three years later that feeling hasn't changed. As time went by we got to know each other and she became a very close friend to me. There are a few people you meet in life that you have a spark with, that you feel like you've known them forever, and I had such a spark with her. But I never told her straight out that I loved her, because:

I'm really shy
Zero experience with girls my age so to me she's like an endgame boss
I'm younger than her
She's pretty and pretty girls make me nervous, as ridiculous as that sounds
She's way out of my league
She told me, explicitly enough, that she only sees us as friends ('you're like a brother to me', that whole deal)

Plus she's been in a relationship with someone else for most of the time I've known her. I know this sounds like a disaster for me, but I love and care for her so/too much to cut her out of my life or to move on, I guess. I want her to be happy but I want to be the reason. That's my problem, though: I feel like I won't ever be that reason. I'm not her type, I don't go to school with her, distance, etc. The relationship between us is mostly one-sided. I make all the effort to see her. She rarely answers my texts or calls, and when she does it's usually about a problem she is having (which I'm more than glad to help her with but god, I just want her to talk to me sometimes like a real person).

I'm at my wit's end. I feel drained and tired from spending so much effort and time for one person and having them only give back like, 1/10000th of that. I love her but it's been almost three years of wanting what I can't have, but how am I supposed to get over someone when a single word from her makes me feel like I'm glowing and have butterflies in my stomach? I'm literally in awe of how great she is and how I'm lucky to have someone like her in my life, even like this. I'm rational when it comes to analyzing my relationship with her, and what I should do about it. But when push comes to shove, I still love her, and then I feel stuck. I can't help it. I've been lectured more times than I can count about the friendzone but I could care less when I feel the way I do when I'm with her.

If you said I was in an unhealthy relationship I wouldn't disagree with you. What should I do? Does it get better or easier? Am I doomed?
I'll start with your list and go from there:
1.I'm really shy - Doesn't matter, after 3 years she'll know you for you2.Zero experience with girls my age so to me she's like an endgame boss - Experience starts somewhere, no one was born with dating experience.3.I'm younger than her - My gf is 3 years older than I am, no biggie4.She's pretty and pretty girls make me nervous, as ridiculous as that sounds
5.She's way out of my league - The words of men without confidence, no one is out of anyone's league as long as they know how to play the game.6.She told me, explicitly enough, that she only sees us as friends ('you're like a brother to me', that whole deal) - This is a problem, it means she isn't attracted to you.
6. SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND.

You're only doomed if you keep trying. Too many people have this notion of "I feel so strongly that nothing else matters." Guess what, Life matters, you can't force someone to feel the way you do, and if you try to, it is usually some kind of rape. Here is another tip, the friendzone only exists for people who put themselves there. Its inexperience that stops you from making the right moves.

If you want out, you forget this woman and you move onto a target you can actually get.
14-07-12, 03:02 AM
veritas

Quote:

Originally Posted by searock [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Then stop doing it. It obviously cannot work. I suggest you confess your feeling to her once and for all, get rejected, and move on. At least you will have tried, and I think it will help to open your eyes to the fact that it's not something you can spend 3 years of your life pining over. It's not worth it, believe me. I think you're using this crush as an excuse (unconsciously of course) to not meet other girls that you might actually have a chance with. You just need to get a bit of perspective and you'll realize that what you feel is not actually "love". You need to know a person really well in order to be in love with them - there needs to be a fair exchange of intimacy and closeness, which in this case goes only one way.

You aren't in a relationship at all. You sound unhealthily obsessed, which is anyway pretty common at your age. If generally gets easier because you realize that it's not worth it at all to waste time on a girl who not only doesn't like you back, but will call you only when she needs you for something. She's not that perfect, is she? Really, all you have to do is open your eyes and stop being so afraid of love.

Yeah, that makes sense =( I thought if I did all the work it'd still be love and she'd see that but obviously that doesn't go the way I thought it would. But I can't just stop being afraid of love, and I guess a big reason why I can't move on is because I don't want to let go. The last time I had to do that with a person it broke my heart and i was in a dark place for a good long while. I can't go through that again, it took me so damn long to even get a semblance of normalcy back into my life. But this situation isn't much better... I'm screwed either way it looks like.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Charlie Boy II [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

ROFL. Nice analougy

Lol thanks

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cerby [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'll start with your list and go from there:
1.I'm really shy - Doesn't matter, after 3 years she'll know you for you2.Zero experience with girls my age so to me she's like an endgame boss - Experience starts somewhere, no one was born with dating experience.3.I'm younger than her - My gf is 3 years older than I am, no biggie4.She's pretty and pretty girls make me nervous, as ridiculous as that sounds
5.She's way out of my league - The words of men without confidence, no one is out of anyone's league as long as they know how to play the game.6.She told me, explicitly enough, that she only sees us as friends ('you're like a brother to me', that whole deal) - This is a problem, it means she isn't attracted to you.
6. SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND.

You're only doomed if you keep trying. Too many people have this notion of "I feel so strongly that nothing else matters." Guess what, Life matters, you can't force someone to feel the way you do, and if you try to, it is usually some kind of rape. Here is another tip, the friendzone only exists for people who put themselves there. Its inexperience that stops you from making the right moves.

If you want out, you forget this woman and you move onto a target you can actually get.

Hehe, I was an avid supporter of that "I feel so strongly that nothing else matters" stuff for a very long time. But I know that we aren't meant to be together, believe me I really do, but I just don't feel it. Not yet, anyways.
But I am glad I posted this thread cause I always had a feeling I was being irrational and that this relationship or whatever was toxic for me and now I have some support on that end.
14-07-12, 03:09 AM
cheekxs

Once she tells you u are like a brother to her u cant change much.

Maybe by doing something big to touch her heart. But it can easily ends in she not want to be anything yours anymore.

Just leave her alone. she can get annoyed if you keep acting like that while she is not feeling you.
14-07-12, 03:47 AM
veritas

Quote:

Originally Posted by cheekxs [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Once she tells you u are like a brother to her u cant change much.

Maybe by doing something big to touch her heart. But it can easily ends in she not want to be anything yours anymore.

Just leave her alone. she can get annoyed if you keep acting like that while she is not feeling you.

Yeah, I think I'm just going to leave her alone the best I can. But sometimes I just... relapse, you know? Like she'll say something or do something so insignificant, it really is, but to me it's huge and it makes me love her even more even though I don't want to. It's so hard. It's so hard to love her and it's even harder to let her go. I'm trying though, but sometimes (actually, all the time) I feel like I've made no progress at all.