Major Long-Term Relationship Problem (Long)
My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years (He's 22, I'm 21). When our relationship began, it was beautiful and wonderful and everything a relationship should be. This lasted for 2 years. Then, the relationship lost some of its spark, which normally happens in a long-term relationship. We still loved each other, but the newness was gone. This was my first long-term relationship. I didn't know how to deal.
At the same time, my classes at school got extremely difficult. I am an English major and I had to read hundreds of pages a day. I had little time, and started unconsciously neglecting him. He tried so hard to make things right, always hugging me and telling me he loved me. But I basically pushed him away. When he came into my room to cuddle or something, I would say, "I have so much homework to do. Please go away so I can do it." I was not hurting him on purpose. I was trying to get good grades so I could build a beautiful future. But all the same I now know that I was really destroying our relationship. If I only understood then...
I must have hurt him beyond anything I can comprehend. This went on like this for 2 whole years, and he kept trying to make things right again. He tried but really didn't communicate to me his feelings. I honestly was unaware of what I was doing. I was way too focused on school. I hurt him so much. Then a few months ago, he basically gave up. He started hanging out with this girl he works with. I was way okay with this, but one night he stayed the night at her house. He swears he did not cheat. He just says that he was too drunk to drive home. That night I freaked out. I figured he was cheating. All of a sudden, everything became so clear to me. I finally realized everything I had done wrong and that I could lose him if I did not change.
The next day I apologized to him and I swore to him that I would never allow things to get like this again. I promised that I would always, always put 100% into this relationship. That was on Thanksgiving, and I have kept my promise to this day and I will never stop trying.
Unfortunately, this did not fix things magically. When I apologized to him, he finally realized he has a right to be mad and let all of his built up anger come out. He has a lot of bitterness inside because of the way I treated him. He gets angry and blows up at me a lot. He says and does a lot of things that hurt me. He still does not trust me completely because I hurt him so badly. Often, when I try to talk about my feelings, he doesn't listen but instead says "Well look at what you did to me for two years". I can understand this.
However, he continues to go out with this girl about one night a week. He has not stayed the night at her house again. I've asked to come out with them, but he will not let me. He gives me a million reasons - He wants one friend who doesn't know me, he wants to go out one night a week without me, etc... I really don't think he's cheating, but I know it seems like he is. This whole thing makes me go insane (I've lost 20 pounds), and I try to tell him I'd feel better if he'd just let me come one time. But he just says "well, you're the one who made me the way I am. If you hadn't done that, none of this would have happened" Then we end up fighting. This happens all too often.
However, he is trying his hardest. He often does really sweet things and hugs me and tells me he loves me. I know we still love each other, and I believe that we can get through this. Our relationship is special, and we are a good match. I will not break up with him. I at least owe him the time he gave me when I didn't care. I love him so much I can't even describe it. But things are really screwed up and I am so stressed out. I am hoping someone can give me advice to make this a little better. I have never needed help so much in my life. Thank you to anyone who has spent their time reading this.
