All Messed Up & Confused - Need This Girl But Messed Up

So you really want this girl, because she is your dream girl. But you can’t physically get to her because you’re freakin' sick and she lives to far away. She’s been sick too, but far ahead in the recovery process. You both have Lyme disease. The tick bite thing. But she fell off the face of the earth 2-3 years, while you’ve been away more or less for 21 years. Your libido is still strong and she sky-rockets it. So the temptation is too strong to just quit, and you try with all your might through words, sounds and pictures to keep her interested enough to stick around long enough, knowing too well -but nevertheless failing to accept- that it might all collapse or blow up in your face any day. And you know that will crush you.

Because you’ve zoned in on her. The cycle of attraction and distancing, the on-off games played, only makes you desire her more. You can’t get her out of your mind. You regularly **** up in your eagerness and stumbling feelings that can’t be oppressed, but … she seems to forgive you. For now. Could she really be your dream girl ? One who doesn’t judge ? Who is genuine for a change ? You start to believe that you might actually make it. Then, from a warm and hopeful place, she suddenly catapults you back into the “friend zone”. In the following days, this becomes more obvious. You should have seen it coming. With her rambling on about her abusing ex-boyfriends and all that jazz, in-between the sexy talk. You endure. She asks all kinds of questions. You answer all of them. You reveal your soul. You put it all on the line. You have strictly negative stuff in your life, so she’s all and everything you’ve got. Your life-line. Literally. It cannot break. This is HER. THE DREAM. You even pray...

You tell her too much about yourself in answering her many questions, in your eagerness to keep this girl as close as you can. I fit were up to you, you would just grab this girl and get it on and then marry. You're a simple man. No more bullshit. But those damn computer devices are your freakin’ voice. So you dig deep and flood her with words. You know you always had the words. You roam the corners of your mind and the internet to try and keep her amuse dor intrigued. It seems to work. She’s still there, still sending you endearing pics, smilies, cute things. Shares parts of her private life. Her family, her dogs, her cute face. A few video and voice messages. Even an a capella song, sung just for you. You melt. Like, for real. Walk on clouds. You can't believe how bad you want her NOW.

Would she do that to a guy she doesn’t want ? You tell yourself it will work out despite all the messing up by yourself. She told you that she appreciated a man who pushed through it all, who persists when he wants a girl. This drives you into a frenzy. Now you want her even more. She regularly drops out of sight for a day or two, then reappears again. When you think you’ve lost her, she suddenly comes back and trusts you with something. Pleases your ego, makes you a compliment, asks you to write her a poem, sing her a song. Like a fool, you comply. You think you are full steam ahead again. ANYTHING to get to this girl. The whole girl. As a friend, lover, protector, master, slave, addict, husband, father to her children. You envision it all. Because you’ve never experienced someone like her before. That same wave-length, that beauty, that brightness, that sensitivity, that artistic talent, that self-proclaimed devoted once she has her man. She says that man can have it all, body and soul.

That she often felt like a prostitute for her last ex who got his way with her, and she gave it all to him. She was ill herself, but sacrificed herself. Gave him blowjobs, ****ed him, the whole thing. Now you picture yourself as her sex ruler. Even more than you did before. She has an angel face and a perfect body. So feminine. A model. But it’s her perceived vulnerability that makes you weak. You like her and you like to possess her. But you feel you can’t say THAT. THAT would surely turn her off. Or would it ? You decide not to say it, or not to type it. But you ****in’ want her so bad your head explodes. You smile like a fool all day long. She remarks if you’re in the habit of taking selfies. You don’t want to say you almost never take them, and are only doing it in another effort to keep her interest up. You try everything. But you only have that computer and smartphone to work from.

You lose your head completely. You think you’re growing closer despite it all. She drives you utterly insane. She tells about her sexual experiences. You tell her about yours. She tells you what she does to the man she loves. It's your wildest fantasy. You glow. You day-dream about her. But then it happens. She will be going on an international trip. You can only speculate. She says she needs to save up on her energy. She has company. She is tired. She makes clear she can’t even begin to read your long messages anymore, that once charmed her but now annoy her. ****ing hell, man. You feel like you’re hit with a brick in the teeth. Other things are her priority now. Probably it was always so, but your desire blinded you for it. You don’t know what turned her off. Or what things. At what moment you ****ed up permanently. You wanted to believe you were somewhere in the back of her mind, somehow. You begin to question everything. She then undeniably transforms herself from a potential partner into a friendly but distant neighbour. You fail to get the message in time. Your emotion and ratio run at different speeds. So you keep rambling on for too long. Still in that lurve-mode. Still trying to get to her. Your messages soon stockpile and don’t get read any longer. Then, when her reply comes, it is blunt, annoyed and short. You feel the reverence she held you in is gone.

Your ego is trampled. How the hell did you end up here ? From there to here ? All the long, mutual conversations filled with wonderment, questions, innuendo and mystique that used to drive your day and boost your spirits, are now only a painful memory. Is there a pill for this ? Is there a way back ? Do you even want a way back ? What now and where to ? She will be going on a holiday. Probably not alone. Probably the last guy is back on the scene. For God knows how long. Perhaps hen ever left. For sure not her mind. She probably still went out with him while she drove you crazy. She slipped out that she’d probably be his fool, once again, because she’s like that. To him. Damned! She also told you he can’t let go off her. He told her “love was never the reason of the break-up”. Left her all confused and jealous of his new flame. She confides in you, asks you to explain HIS mind to her. That’s the last thing you want to do, but again, you want to please her, keep her close, so you comply. This is all in between the sexy talk. Yet she told you she was over him. That he was out of her life, as far as she was concerned. Now you wonder about everything. Was she ever truly sincere ? What a puzzle. What a mess. You’re out of words, quotes, selfies, smilies, stickers, songs. You’re left with questions, regrets and frustrations. How will she return from that trip. Ready to cut all ties with you, or regretting she loosened the ties in the first place ? Will she be back with him ? Will het get his dose of TLC over there ? You know you want her begging for YOU and not that scumbag. But you fear it will never happen. And my God, IS SHE BEAUTIFUL AND SWEET. Un-real. Even when she’s a bitch. Sometimes. You still want that bitch, man, even if you have to crawl. But wasn’t that your main mistake ?

The "you" in the story is ME. And I don't even know why I used "you". Halfway typing I realized that I should not just write it off, but use my story to ask for advise here. Is there ANY WAY to get back to her ? She is still sick, so in a way not free to roam every day. That can be an advantage if I take it slower when I get a next chance. That's a selfish thought, but I'm in an eager and desperate mode right now. I want her tied down, belonging to me. At the same thing, I'm not recovered. My brain does strange things sometimes. I have a disease that affects the brain, too. Not in like, crazy, but in messed up, moody, undecisive, poor judgement. I can't just get in a car and ride to her. She can, but has to recover later. Hell, she didn't even tell me her address. I can't blame her... I don't have her e-mail address, but I do have her number (whatsapp chats) and we also communicated through Facebook Messenger. I first and foremost would like to know of original ideas that would not turn her off, to profile myself in a positive light, towards her, again. The whole thing is, I WANT HER, but I didn't want her to see me in a bad light, sick and all, lying in bed perhaps, or not really presentable. Plus with those folks I live with lurking around. Ego stuff. Dumb stuff. She always talked about the essential things in life. I claimed I understood. And I thought I did. But I didn't. I messed up. Wish I could turn back time.

One thing I know I did wrong is that I brushed off her wanting to visit ME early on in the conversation. She first suggested to me we could meet with our dogs. I was ill, so I said I couldn't right now. Then, later, told her I wanted to meet her, and she asked if I knew of any places where we could meet and the dogs could roam freely. I couldn't come up with a concrete proposal, of course still ill, so I kind of said I wanted to do that very much asap. Then I reconsider, and during a night, stated that I intended to see her, and not even just that, but regularly and was thinking long-term. To my great surprise, she replied YES, she would like that. I again then thought about it and kind of told her I wanted to do that asap ... YES I KNOW ... Terrible, more than terrible. My weary, sick body and brains didn't help a bit. Still, I punished my brain.

Then, once again, after she proposed a visit by her, I protested with arguments.

The only reason I brushed her off was I am living temporarily with relatives in a crowded appartment. Who have schedules and stuff. We want to be alone here. So I told her no, not here and now. She said "but if I really WANT to come over ?" I told her all the reasons why it would be problematic for HER, as she isn't better either. Than in a feverish night following that dumb mistake, I back-tracked and invited HER, laid out the whole map to get to my place, and on which dates we could be alone. She remained silent and occupied herself with friends and going on small trips where she seemed happy for a few days, she posted them on Instagram and Facebook. She didn't bring up visiting me again. Didn't reply to my invitation. Of course not. I messed up.

I was sincerely concerned she would not make the trip in her condition, so I sacrificed my desire for her well-being. I don't think she believed that, but it was the truth. All the while desiring her in my arms forever. Somehow the thing then picked up steam again. I couldn't understand how she would forgive that. But it picked up again to my great surprise, and when I told her I hoped I could visit an event she is being involved in next month, she quickly wrote "great, so then perhaps we can also make a date asap". Meaning, not a visit to my appartment, but a date somewhere else. This time, I made sure to assure her I wanted that asap, too. But AGAIN failed to propose a concrete time and place. I did it again.

This is really bad. But she once stated "anything can be fixed". Can it ? Even coming back from this ?

I'm crushed. And I know I have at least myself to blame for the biggest part. Still, I can't stand to lose her. I don't need sarcastic remarks. I already punish myself enough mentally for this. I appreciate honest replies, even painfully honest ones (without the sneer or sting), and constructive ideas.

THANK YOU.