Advice and help needed desperately please!

My wife of nearly two years asked for a separation on Halloween for numerous reasons. I've been asking for marriage counseling but we have yet to go back. Our last experience as the counselor was really, really crazy. She gave me a hopeful story then a really terrible, doom and gloom story to my wife and nearly broke up our marriage. This experience is still haunting my wife and preventing us from going back to therapy. 10 days after asking for a separation my wife changed her mind....for all of two hours. Since then things have really gone down hill. We are now living apart and the separation is going full steam ahead but without lawyers. We have a 16 month old boy. I do not wnat to do this. I am torn apart. To the point of almost killing myself. I love this woman so much. She says I have broken her heart and it certainly appears so. I have never hit her. I have never cheated on her and have never come close. I am an addict and alcohol who has been in treatment for both on and off to be honest. My last drink was in June which she was no aware of until October. My last drug was in September of 2014. I've begged her to go to Al Anon but she has never gone. She has promised to but has not. She told me a few nights ago I have lost my family. I told her what I would like, my family back. She responded that is not what she wants. I asked her what would it take to get them back. Her response was to continue what I am doing now. I am full of fear man. I am doing everything I can to work towards her but fear she will not work towards me.
She was not doing that in the past when I was working full time opn my demons. Why will she now? I am scared some other dude is there now or will be. I am scared I will be chasing an admitted runner until I am dead. I am scared that I will totally lose and just end my pain because this pain is too damn much as is. I've wanted to ask her how she would explain my absence to our son if he asked. Would she be honest? Would she explain her side of the street honestly? Explain mine honestly? Mine would be very troubled and that I ran out of strentgh. I pray for strentgh and hope every day. I have it for now. What do I do?

You should not have "an absence" from your son. You should go see a lawyer and get joint custody ironed out.

You make reference to being afraid that you'll "work on your demons" and she still won't come around. There is where your problem is. You should be working on your demons for YOURSELF and going to regular AA meetings so that you keep doing the 12 steps that hopefully will keep you on the straight and narrow.

You have to concentrate on yourself now and getting well enough to be a good father to your son. A sober, good strong positive role model to him. Get yourself fixed for you with that goal in mind.

Your wife, by leaving has helped you to sobriety because staying with you would only enable you to not have to change.

You can do it. Millions before you have and your AA meetings will help you to see that.

Think about You and Your son and forget about his mother for the time being.

You need to get sober and stay sober. If this is not a huge wake up call for you then what will be? You have to do it for yourself because you want to be a better man and ultimately a better partner and father in the future whether that is with or without her by your side.

Maybe too much damage has been done in your marriage or maybe it will all work out further down the line but you need to be strong now and get the help you need. Stop self medicating with alcohol/drugs.

And suicide is not the answer. Get help for your depression and find new coping skills.

Focus on improving yourself, go to the meetings, do everything you can to make yourself strong and sober. Get in control and if she's withholding you from seeing your child, then get help from other sources. You have a right to see your kid, but you also need to sort your state of yourself before you do that. Consider therapy and maybe just talking to someone you trust about it.

if every thing you try fails then i can help with a spell that will bring her back to you, a spell that will restore the former love she had for, a spell that will restore your place in her heart, a spell that will reunite your family back