How to ask my girlfriend to give me a hand with the daily chores

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13-05-15, 01:13 PM
Decorayah

How to ask my girlfriend to give me a hand with the daily chores

Hello there. I am a 22 year old guy that lives with his girlfriend in an apartment for 2 years now. In order to understand my point I'll give you some quick information about us. Feel free to skip to the bolded short version if you don't have the time to read.

After having a 1 year long relationship with my grielfriend we dicided to move in a place of our own and live together. I said that in order to do that atleast one of us will have to work so we can live without depending on our parents for everything. After 2 years I made a successfull leap in my profession and not only did we get independant but actually live in a pretty good financial situation. In order to achieve this however I have to work a full work day. Along with having my job I also go to university (barely managing it) and occasionally take on additional projects for extra cash. My girlfriend has an expensive private university but very rarely goes to it and often ignores it(while I pay for it) and when asked to do some house chores I have no time for (because of working or studying) she refuses and just lays on the sofa or bed all day chatting on facebook or other social networks and going out daily to hang out with someone. On top of all that she tends to be quite chaotic and our home is often filled with clothes everywhere, tons of unwashed dishes and very dirty surroundings.

In short: I have a full work day to provide for me and my girlfriend and also go to university along with that. With my income I pay for all the things my girlfriend wants and also her university she almost never goes to/studies for. When I ask her to do any chore in the house (clean, wash clothes, do the dishes, cook something) even very rarely she always refuses and acts offended. I am all for her using her time to study or work but she does not do any of that and just chats all day on facebook. Am I right to think this is not adequate of her?

I am far from the idea of wanting only a housewife that has no education or professional development - I support her in both of those. My problem is that she does not want to work or study and just chats or goes out with friends all day. If she spends her time only that way is it wrong of me to ask her to atleast do some house chores? If I am right then how do I ask her? I have tried both being nice and understanding and being more direct and commanding - she just ignores me. If she just keeps saying "no" there is no way I can really force her... so what do I do? How do I convice her she is not doing right by me?

Sorry for going full novel size on you but I couldn't explain my situation with fewer words. Also sorry for potential grammar errors - english is not my native language.
13-05-15, 01:58 PM
basilandthyme

Hi Decorayah, your English is great. Your boundaries however, are very poor. I think most of us would have thrown her out on her lazy, princessy ass long ago! But if this is not something you're willing to do, then it's ultimatum time for her

You don't ask her to help. You TELL her to help. You TELL her that you will only pay for her university if she attends (and passes!) her classes. You TELL her that she can only live with you if she does half the housework in your place. And you TELL her that she needs to get a part time job and start contributing financially.

If she gets upset, tell her that if she doesn't like it she can leave.

But most of all, you absolutely must stay firm on the ultimatum. If she skips uni, you stop paying. If she doesn't help around the house, you throw her out. You must not continue to accept that behaviour of your princess.
13-05-15, 02:58 PM
Mathias

Quote:

Originally Posted by Decorayah [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Hello there. I am a 22 year old guy that lives with his girlfriend in an apartment for 2 years now. In order to understand my point I'll give you some quick information about us. Feel free to skip to the bolded short version if you don't have the time to read.

After having a 1 year long relationship with my grielfriend we dicided to move in a place of our own and live together. I said that in order to do that atleast one of us will have to work so we can live without depending on our parents for everything. After 2 years I made a successfull leap in my profession and not only did we get independant but actually live in a pretty good financial situation. In order to achieve this however I have to work a full work day. Along with having my job I also go to university (barely managing it) and occasionally take on additional projects for extra cash. My girlfriend has an expensive private university but very rarely goes to it and often ignores it(while I pay for it) and when asked to do some house chores I have no time for (because of working or studying) she refuses and just lays on the sofa or bed all day chatting on facebook or other social networks and going out daily to hang out with someone. On top of all that she tends to be quite chaotic and our home is often filled with clothes everywhere, tons of unwashed dishes and very dirty surroundings.

In short: I have a full work day to provide for me and my girlfriend and also go to university along with that. With my income I pay for all the things my girlfriend wants and also her university she almost never goes to/studies for. When I ask her to do any chore in the house (clean, wash clothes, do the dishes, cook something) even very rarely she always refuses and acts offended. I am all for her using her time to study or work but she does not do any of that and just chats all day on facebook. Am I right to think this is not adequate of her?

I am far from the idea of wanting only a housewife that has no education or professional development - I support her in both of those. My problem is that she does not want to work or study and just chats or goes out with friends all day. If she spends her time only that way is it wrong of me to ask her to atleast do some house chores? If I am right then how do I ask her? I have tried both being nice and understanding and being more direct and commanding - she just ignores me. If she just keeps saying "no" there is no way I can really force her... so what do I do? How do I convice her she is not doing right by me?

Sorry for going full novel size on you but I couldn't explain my situation with fewer words. Also sorry for potential grammar errors - english is not my native language.

It seems you have more issues with her than just chores.

Have you talked to her about all of this?
13-05-15, 03:27 PM
Wakeup

She must be a really good lay for you to be putting up with her laziness, unmotivation AND pay for her university education that she rarely goes to.

Cool story bro...
13-05-15, 04:12 PM
basilandthyme

Wakeup, she probably doesn't put out either....
14-05-15, 01:39 AM
Decorayah

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Mathias [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It seems you have more issues with her than just chores.

Have you talked to her about all of this?

Indeed I have, tons of times. Everytime I ask her for something simple(like doing the laundry) and she tells me every day for two weeks "I'll do it tomorrow". There are other issues I have with her for sure but they all originated from this. Not to mention the constant arguing has made her less physically attracted to me. I have to find some solution fast or lose this relationship and I don't want to do that - I don't want to throw away 3 years. That is the main reason I am tolerating all the things she does.

Maybe the second most prominent problem I have with her is the fact that she gives out a lot more attention to her/my friends than me. If some friend of ours wants to do something (let's say go for a walk in the part) but I don't (I feel tired from work) she just ignores me and does what everyone else says(that has happened hundreds of times). Also when she chats/talks/sees her friends and ignores me when I talk to her or want some attention she often says "i'm boring unlike them". The reason that comparison is unfair is that none of her friends work and have to spend 8 hours on a desk all week...

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

She must be a really good lay for you to be putting up with her laziness, unmotivation AND pay for her university education that she rarely goes to.

Cool story bro...

She is attractive yes. The reason I am completely ignoring the possibily of her being with me only because of my money is that she was with me 1 year before I had anything. For the first year she was very caring and good to me but after I started working and getting busy with the university things with her got worse fast. To this day she complains about a job I had 1 year ago with a very annoying boss when it was me that had to tolerate the boss not her, she saw him a couple of times but didn't spend every day with him. I don't know man I feel like in her world everything is my fault and in mine she is obviously wrong. That's why I'm asking here who is to blame and how to fix this lunacy.

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Quote:

Originally Posted by basilandthyme [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Wakeup, she probably doesn't put out either....

What do you mean?

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Quote:

Originally Posted by basilandthyme [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Hi Decorayah, your English is great. Your boundaries however, are very poor. I think most of us would have thrown her out on her lazy, princessy ass long ago! But if this is not something you're willing to do, then it's ultimatum time for her

You don't ask her to help. You TELL her to help. You TELL her that you will only pay for her university if she attends (and passes!) her classes. You TELL her that she can only live with you if she does half the housework in your place. And you TELL her that she needs to get a part time job and start contributing financially.

If she gets upset, tell her that if she doesn't like it she can leave.

But most of all, you absolutely must stay firm on the ultimatum. If she skips uni, you stop paying. If she doesn't help around the house, you throw her out. You must not continue to accept that behaviour of your princess.

You seem very right but sadly there is one additional piece of information that complicates things: 2 years ago when none of us worked or had any money we moved in a small apartment owned by my girlfriend's mother. The place was completely empty and looked horrifying(no kind of repainting or any work done in the last 40 years in it). After I got my job I redid the whole thing and spent more than a year's salary on buying furniture, a new complete kitchen, all sorts of appliances, tv, etc. So with that in mind I can't really tell her to "get out of the apartment" considering even after I have invested so much in it it isn't mine.

Also I have had rough arguments with her on the subjects I mentioned in my question and whatever I do she just ignores what I say and does her own thing. It often comes to a point where there is just nothing I can do to stop her. Only thing I would be able to do when she just ignores my every word is get physical but of course I'm not that kind of guy and have never(and will never) do that. There is just no way for me to threaten her when she knows all I can do is talk. One thing I hadn't tried is threateting not to pay for the university(as you proposed). Everything else I threaten to not give her she just says "then I'll go get it from my mom" doesn't matter if it's money, clothes, etc..

I am an owner of an apartment(around twice the size of the one we are living in) but my mother lives in it and I can't just throw her out.
14-05-15, 02:10 AM
bamisepeters

You have really tried... With what you are going through now i think you must stamp your ground, you must tell her what you want. The result of whatever we tell you here might be so uncomfortable for you but you must make her do the right thing. All those things you have mentioned her things she must do not only for you but for herself also. If she continues like this and you overlook them you will not be happy once you are married... One question i will ask you, can u tell us who you knew her to be before all this started or is this how she has been from the beginning?