Engaged and having less sex - help!

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01-12-11, 06:15 PM
lowlah

Engaged and having less sex - help!

I would really appreciate if anyone could help me with this problem!

I'm 21 and my fiance is 30.
We've been together 3 1/2 years, lived together for 3 of them and been engaged for 1.

We're not exactly the typical couple. When I met him at 18 we hit it off immediately. Sparks, fireworks - the whole package, we were so in love, we literally couldn't keep our hands off each other. It almost seemed to good to be true. We moved in only after a few months of knowing each other and we lived in bliss together for 2 years. We're very open and adventurous sexually. I used to be a lapdancer and we both went through a phase for about a year of regularily going to swingers clubs.

I know it sounds crazy but while all this was going on even though we had kinky adventures with each other we were just so in love and the commitment was always super strong.

A half year before we got engaged before I even realised it our sex life settled down, we did it maybe 4-5 times a week and we stopped going to swingers clubs (my decision), because I just stopped feeling the excitment at going.

Last Christmas we got engaged and I couldn't have been happier! Yet almost exactly after getting engaged our sex life dwindled to what it once was. We were still really affectionate to each other, but we would have sex about once a week. This went on for a good few months until for the past year it's been normal to have sex 1 every week and a half to 2 weeks. I know it may seem like a stupid complaint, but from being so crazy over each other for so long its caused me to seriously worry and question whether I still fancy my fiance in the same way.

I had questions over whether I still loved him during this time and we seperated for a week (first time without each other in 3 1/2 years) all I did was miss him, when we finally got back together after the weeks 'break' I knew I loved him with all my heart and for the next few days we couldn't keep our hands off each other, it was like we'd first met again, until it suddenly went back to routine and normal.

I really don't know whats going on. We both love each other and he still can't keep his hands off me. He's very patient and we've talked about these issues alot - I'd like to think our communication is very good and if anything is on my mind I've let know. He's understanding about the sex and he's said it's fine as long as I still love him and the desire is still there. It is but yet for the past year it just feels like I haven't been bothered about it for once.

I've changed jobs alot over the year and have generally been much more unhappy and stressed. I don't know whether worrying about our relationship and the nervers of getting married are all affecting my libido? All I know is that I can't look forward to getting married or planning the wedding if I feel like there's an underlying issue and it's really making me unhappy.

Has anyone had anything similar or does anyone have any advice?

Thanks,
Lola.
02-12-11, 09:43 PM
bulrush

Quote:

but from being so crazy over each other for so long its caused me to seriously worry and question whether I still fancy my fiance in the same way.

Feelings come and go, that's life. You just have to understand that. If you still love him, and you still LIKE being around him, then stay with him. And stop breaking up because you are confused! He will get sick of you and not want you back for sure. One thing men hate is when women are indecisive. It really messes with their feelings unfairly.

You have to have the skills, and the clarity, to see through the changing feelings, to understand that you still want to spend your life with them, even though sexual or other feelings have changed. Emotions come and go, and are absolutely NOT the reason to take action on anything major.

Quote:

I had questions over whether I still loved him during this time and we seperated for a week (first time without each other in 3 1/2 years) all I did was miss him, when we finally got back together after the weeks 'break' I knew I loved him

Never ever ever do this again. Think about things in your head, but NEVER take action based on emotions alone.
03-12-11, 01:15 AM
bcgirl

Thing is that guys like having a wild, sexually adventurous, lap dancing girlfriend or mistress. When it comes to wives, a man doesn't want their wife to be a stripper, to screw other guys, to be slutty. Be prepared to put on that apron and make cupcakes. Robert De Niro said it best in "Analyze This". Once your a wife, it takes on a different meaning.... you are viewed as a mother, an angel, a wife. Think back to your lap dancing days....the John Doe's were probably mainly married men who likes to have "fun" with sluts (no pun intended) and go home to make missionary style love to their wives. Here is that quote from Analyze this:

Dr. Ben Sobel: What happened with your wife last night?
Boss Paul Vitti: I wasn't with my wife, I was with my girlfriend.
Dr. Ben Sobel: Are you having marriage problems?
Boss Paul Vitti: No.
Dr. Ben Sobel: Then why do you have a girlfriend?
Boss Paul Vitti: What, are you gonna start moralizing on me?
Dr. Ben Sobel: No, I'm not, I'm just trying to understand, why do you have a girlfriend?
Boss Paul Vitti: I do things with her I can't do with my wife.
Dr. Ben Sobel: Why can't you do them with your wife?
Boss Paul Vitti: Hey, that's the mouth she kisses my kids goodnight with! What are you, crazy? »
04-12-11, 02:36 PM
bombboy85

something to just throw in there... men's sex drives tend to slow down a little in the vicinity of 30 years old meanwhile womens go up
04-12-11, 04:00 PM
MerryH

Quote:

Originally Posted by bcgirl [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Thing is that guys like having a wild, sexually adventurous, lap dancing girlfriend or mistress. When it comes to wives, a man doesn't want their wife to be a stripper, to screw other guys, to be slutty. Be prepared to put on that apron and make cupcakes.

Wow. This is pretty offensive on several levels. It is so disappointing to see a woman spouting shit like this. bcgirl, if you were to get married, do you think you should just put on an apron and pretend your sexual needs don't exist? Or does that only apply for "sluts." What are you trying to say here?

OP, I can tell you that the passion and frequency of sexy time does not remain constant over a long relationship. After 3.5 years, it's not so uncommon for it to fluctuate. I mean, think about it. If he's the one you're going to be with for the rest of your lives, this issue might crop up from time to time, for a myriad of reasons. One of you gets the flu, or breaks their leg, or gets a hip replacement, or dementia, or just doesn't feel like it. It's going to happen. Is that enough reason to end it? Maybe. That's up to you.

Just don't get married while you still have these doubts.