Dealbreaker

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12-04-06, 05:58 AM
Pins

Dealbreaker

Hi, I'm new here, but I really needed to find a new forum to discuss my SO. He's on the same board I regularly visit, and needless to say, there's no discussing this there, as he has access to everything I post there.

We've been dating since January, and everything seemed perfect. We were planning on getting married some time in the future (no time soon, trust me!), but now, I'm not so sure.

We've both been married before. Twice. In our second marriages, we planned to be together with our respective spouses forever, but both of our spouses cheated on us.

Surprisingly, my issue doesn't have to do with trust or fidelity. It has to do with kids.

He's got 3 already, and I have 2. Now, 2 of his probably won't be with us full-time (he just filed a restraining order against his ex-wife, who wants to move the kids 45 minutes away). Right now, they're with him 50% of the time, but chances are, he's going to only see them one night a week and every other weekend. His other daughter is with him full-time, and my two sons are with me full-time (don't get me started on the lack of visitation - that's a whole other issue for a different board!).

In his eyes, we've got 5 kids together, and he doesn't want any more. In my eyes, we have NO kids together.

I really really want to have a (one, singular, uno) child with him. I've been thinking about this all day, crying my eyes out, trying to figure out whether to continue this relationship or not.

This kid thing, for me, is not just a passing fancy. I've wanted to have another child for about 6 years now, through my last marriage and divorce. I've thought about it, and yeah, it's important.

Now, I feel like I either have to give up the man that I love and respect AND trust (a rare thing for me), or the hope of a child that I desperately want. Either way, it seems, I lose.

We're supposed to go visit him on Thursday (he lives 900 miles away, and I'm planning on moving my family there this summer), but now, I'm not sure. I can tell you one thing for sure: I don't want him to touch me. I just can't get intimate with him. It hurts too much, and it's too closely tied to the child issue.

This smacks of rejection, and it really is a dealbreaker for me. If I do go out there, how do I tell him that I'm willing to be in a long-term relationship with him, but I'm no longer sure I want to marry him? I'd rather stay single and have a sperm-bank baby, if that's what it takes.

One thing I DO NOT want to do is put him in the position where if he wants to marry me, he feels he HAS to have a baby with me. And I feel like if I ask him seriously about this, I'm putting him in exactly that position.

In a strange way, I feel like this has to be my decision, and my decision alone. It's just crushing me that I have to "pick" a baby or him.

The kicker is, I feel like this guy is my "lobster." I've never been able to be myself around anyone like I can around him. I love and respect him. I've never been in such a healthy relationship before in my life.

To get all of that, does it mean that I have to give up the baby that I so desperately want?

Sorry to be so longwinded, but this has just got me crushed right now. Any help would be GREATLY appreciated.
12-04-06, 08:55 AM
clynn

Can't you get a dog?

I personally would go for the man and put baby needs aside if I already had children.

But that is me.

If you feel you can't possibly give up your dream to have another baby, and that you can't channel your needs into anything else, then you are right - you have a very big decision to make.

All the best.
12-04-06, 09:02 AM
vashti

If this really IS a dealbreaker for you, then break things off with him right away. Your desire to have a baby does not outweigh his desire not to, and I don't think it is ever a good idea to bring a child that is unwanted by one parent or the other into the world. Frankly, it is incredibly selfish. Besides, you don't even know how the step-family thing will go, and usually it does not go well. Why would you want to bring a baby into such an unstable environment?

PS - only dating for a few months, and already talking marriage? Oy.
12-04-06, 11:53 AM
XPixiedustX

If you guys are not planning on getting married anytime soon, then maybe you shoudl relax just a little bit. I can see that you want this baby bad, but from teh way you described it, it doesn't seem like your SO is not as against having a baby as you are for it. To be honest 5 kids are a LOT, especially since you two haven't been together too long, maybe you want to just comfortable with the current situation before expanding this already large family. After two messy marriages you finally got it right, do you really want to give this all away for a kid? If yes then maybe this kid is more important to you than anything else. If he loves you and respects you the way you do him...then he might change his mind about the child. Unless he says he under no condition is open to having another kid, and woudl absolutely hate the kid...then yeah, you might wanna leave, otherwise give it a chance.
12-04-06, 12:02 PM
King Zarathu

I like the idea of the dog--or preferrably (in my opinion) a cat. Cats > Dogs.

I think vashti has a huge point, but if I were in your shoes I would choose him over a (6th? :horror: ) child. That's just me though.

You already have 2 kids to worry about, he'd bring 1 into it, and you'd have a 4th! Not to mention all of the other ones. Yuck! When would you ever get your alone time?

I wouldn't want the extra baby. :surprised I wouldn't want to get pregnant either--but I'm a guy.

:french:

Quote:

Originally Posted by vashti

Oy.

j00
12-04-06, 01:30 PM
vashti

Quote:

Originally Posted by LTsK8eR2gO

j00

Problem for you?
12-04-06, 02:31 PM
confused01

i agree with the others' opinion!!
you guys just met few months relax you never know if he is going to change his mind or you might after living together you'll see if another baby will be able to fit in in the family or it's going to be just too much.
and 3 are enough plus the other 2 who will visit sometime. it'll be a lot of work already.
i believe if i find the right man i'll give up the baby, it's not like you are getting a baby for the first time. you already have 2. i understand you want one from him. sometimes people get pregnant by mistake!!!! you never now if god wants you to have another baby you'll have it with him or without. so just relax right now and enjoy his company.
12-04-06, 07:43 PM
Pins

Well, this problem is solved. He dumped me over this issue last night.

I gave in on the kid issue, but told him I'd still want one. Well, that wasn't enough.

Evidently, my fault is that I even WANT another child.

I've cried so much, my eyes and throat are burning. I'm on cigarette 37 in less than 24 hours. I'm shaking all over, but have NO desire to eat.

This guy really REALLY was important to me. I truly loved him.

I'm never getting close to anyone ever again.

Thanks all for your help.
13-04-06, 12:15 AM
blue

I am currently in the same situation. I have an 8 year old recnetly graduated have a great b/f. He is the healthiest most loving relationship i have been with ever. I have been married once too and so has he he has 1 boy like me and he wants to have kids. I do to. At the same time even though things are all gravy and we feel the same way now for me at times i feel like i want it now but in all actuality the reality of it is that one just never knows and bringing a child into the equation is a big deal.

Neways if he dosent want kids one day and you do then its good it was all out on the table and its done now. You too do not have that in common and in the future it would bring problems or possibly another divorce.

One day you will close to someone who wants the same things for now xoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxo blue
13-04-06, 04:04 AM
Pins

The real kicker is, now, I'm feeling so low that I don't even want to have another child. It's just too much work. I raised my first two virtually alone. When I was married to their father, he worked second shift and I worked regular office hours, so I rarely saw him awake.

When my youngest was just over a year, we seperated and divorced.

I mean, I'm 39, and maybe it's just time for me to give up the dream. Maybe it was just foolish all along. All of my IRL friends have told me that I'm too old to have another baby. Maybe I am.
13-04-06, 04:38 AM
Gigabitch

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pins

I mean, I'm 39, and maybe it's just time for me to give up the dream. Maybe it was just foolish all along. All of my IRL friends have told me that I'm too old to have another baby. Maybe I am.

I'm willing to be flamed for this.

Babe, you're too immature to have another baby. They're not collectibles. They're people, for ****'s sake. Try to make a stable life for the two you already have and deal with the now instead of dreaming about what if.
13-04-06, 04:56 AM
vashti

Someone had to say it...
13-04-06, 07:09 AM
clynn

It is sad that we want something and we end up losing what we've got.
13-04-06, 08:05 AM
carpflounder

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pins

Hi, I'm new here, but I really needed to find a new forum to discuss my SO. He's on the same board I regularly visit, and needless to say, there's no discussing this there, as he has access to everything I post there.

Bad move. Relationships are about trust, so don't try and hide what you are discussing from him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pins

In his eyes, we've got 5 kids together, and he doesn't want any more. In my eyes, we have NO kids together.

Why do you need to have a biological kid with him to be happy? Just cuz his kids don't have your DNA doesn't mean that you should look down on them as though they are some sort of subspecies. ;)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pins

I really really want to have a (one, singular, uno) child with him. I've been thinking about this all day, crying my eyes out, trying to figure out whether to continue this relationship or not.

So you are considering ending this relationship because he does not want to have another (sixth, mind you) child with you? I'd hazard that you want that next kid really bad and perhaps you are searching for a sperm donor more so than a husband/father....I mean, c'mon...theres lots of guys out there, if he doesn't let you have your way..you can just find someone else.....right?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pins

This kid thing, for me, is not just a passing fancy. I've wanted to have another child for about 6 years now, through my last marriage and divorce. I've thought about it, and yeah, it's important.

BINGO. You just want a baby.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pins

This smacks of rejection, and it really is a dealbreaker for me. If I do go out there, how do I tell him that I'm willing to be in a long-term relationship with him, but I'm no longer sure I want to marry him? I'd rather stay single and have a sperm-bank baby, if that's what it takes.

Wow, and I hadn't even heard your declaration for a sperm donor. Does carp know how to call it or what?? Go for it Pins. Have a baby on your own. Stick to your guns and leave any guy who doesn't concur with your skewed system of thought.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pins

The kicker is, I feel like this guy is my "lobster." I've never been able to be myself around anyone like I can around him. I love and respect him. I've never been in such a healthy relationship before in my life.

Ahhhh, but your willing to trash it for a sperm donor.

Good Luck in future endeavors, Pins, your going to need it. ;)