What the hell am i doing!?
Ok, so this is a bit long winded but please, stick with it because I really really need some advise!!
My relationship with my ex had never been the easiest..he's 13yrs older than me (I'm 23, he's 36), has a 5yr old daughter, an ex that, to his parents, is still considered part of the family even though she's a psycho, he own his own company so very work orientated and therefore always been a bit selfish. On the otherhand I'm happy to admit that I'm quite demanding on emotions side of things (I like to feel wanted all of the time). But all that aside I can honestly say he was the only thing in the world I wanted and I loved him more than I ever thought possible! We'd been together for almost 3yrs (engaged for 8mths) we were talking about starting a family, we'd been living together for about 2 years and we were happy...well so I thought. One day, I started questioning everything..did I want to be in a relationship at 21, engaged to be married, could I be bothered having to deal with his daughters mother, always around, always getting to me for no reason, was I ok with being 2nd best to his daughter etc..every doubt went through my head and I tried talking it through with my partner but he's never been one for emotions or feelings. I'd feel like this for a couple of days, then it'd pass, then it'd come back and so on. Then on valentines morning in 2010 he was annoyed at me for coming in late drunk and waking him up so I used that as ammunition, told him I was sick of everything and left! He begged for me back and I wanted to go but a part of me felt like I was missing something so I didn't. We stayed friends but only because he couldn't bear to lose me and I couldn't bear to hurt him anymore but eventually he had enough of being messed around and said that was it, we couldn't be friends. Then I realised I'd made a huge mistake and told him, I wanted to come home but he was having none of it...it broke my heart. Then 2 weeks later he said he'd realised he was being stupid so we finally got back togehter after about 3 or 4 months apart. Things did change and we were more in love than ever before but then...on 29th jan this year I started questioning things again..I couldn't work out why, we were trying for a baby!? A week passed and he knew something was up, I told him I was having the doubts again but he made me decision for me..he ended it and told me he couldn't put himself or his daughter through it all again. I moved out on 4th feb nd we never spoke since. I've never felt pain like it, I was so confused and hated myself for doubting everything...why!? And why did it happen in feb again, a week before I left the year before!?
He txt me last week saying a letter had arrived for me..it was the first time we spoke since I left. We met and. Agreed to be friendly about it all as my best friend and his cousin are together..we're bound to bump into eachother. We chatted like we'd only seen eachother yesterday, I felt happy, comfortable. We'd always been best friends :) Since then we've gone down the pub together with our 2 friends who are together, I ended up back at his (my old house) but nothing happened, we just chatted. He didn't try it on and neither did I. I don't know what this means, I don't want to question it because I'm scared I won't like the answer.
He always has been and always will be the love of my life but I've hurt him twice now, if I did try and ask him to give us another go, what happens if I get those doubts again. Why did I ever doubt anything?? I love him more than the world and I hate myself for how I've hurt and confused him, but we've got this far and now I find I'm asking myself "now what?". His whole family hate me which isn't ideal, and I'm sure they wouldn't be thrilled if we got back together...if we ever do. But I can't see myself weith anyone else, I don't want anyone else. I want my man...but I said that last time and look what happened! I've even thought maybe I have chronic winter blues and that's why it happen in feb twice in a row, I've considered commitment phobia. I just don't know and if anyone can give me any advice, then please do. Thanks for reading
Laura x
