Cheated on 6 years ago, only just found out
I'm coming to terms with the reality that I was cheated on 6 years ago by my partner. We have been together for nearly 12 years now (next month).
At the time I was cheated on, I did know, but I was in a fragile state and I went into very heavy denial about it. She lied to my face every time I confronted her and I wanted to believe her so badly I convinced myself that she was telling me the truth.
Now the truth is out, I know just how far she went and it's broken me up inside so badly I don't know what to do.
Forgive me if this comes across a little scattered.
Around when she started cheating on me, I was happy - I was just starting a new life for myself, quitting a dead end job and starting my own business. She helped me through this process and I was feeling vulnerable, but safe in her arms.
Around this time she met a guy and struck up a friendship with him.
I was wary at the time because I could see she liked him, and while I don't remember the exact timeframe, I told her at one stage that I didn't really like her being friends with him. I did so in a passive and caring way as to not sound controlling or possessive, and yet she responded in a very aggressive way that should have set off alarm bells in my head, but I just thought that perhaps I was being unreasonable.
It turns out that she ended up having a relationship with this guy over the period of several months. She can't remember exactly how long it went on, or how many times she slept with him, but it would have been between 3-6 months, roughly once a week.
She would see him once a week under the pretence of giving him driving lessons (oh the irony), but in fact it was a sex date.
At the time she told me that sex wasn't that important to her, and made me feel bad for wanting sex once a week, if I hadn't pursued it, we wouldn't have been having sex at all, yet she was going out of her way to have sex with another man.
One day I actually followed her, I remember feeling horrible for not trusting her and for being suspicious and that I would look like a complete fool if I saw her in fact giving him driving lessons. During the trip to his house my heart was beating so hard in my chest I felt like I was going to pass out. I remember nothing of the drive there because I was sure she would see me. I wasn't very good at keeping hidden and in fact pulled up behind her several times. She didn't look back once.
When she arrived, I waited a moment, then followed her.
I don't remember what the place looks like or even where it was. I watched her go through his door, then I waited for her to come out.
The next thing I remember is listening to them having sex.
She says she remembers things being peaceful and quiet.
The memories of what I had to hear are not peaceful and quiet.
She did not use protection with him at any time during their relationship.
I KNOW her well, I know what she likes, I know what she does and when I asked her (stupidly) specific questions about what went on, it was clear that she did not draw a line at any point and consider anything "too far" with him.
There are lines that people sometimes don't cross, especially if they feel guilty. She crossed every line. If you can think of something you'd do for your special partner only, she gave that to him.
She says she didn't love him (which I don't believe), although I know that he didn't love her. Their relationship was always limited in time as he was leaving the state.
At one point I'd had enough and I gave her the final ultimatum - I couldn't be with her if she wanted to continue being "friends" with him.
Her first answer : "I guess it's over then".
I cried, but then several hours later she sat me down and said she wanted to make it work.
I asked her, to her face, what had happened. I never told her what I knew, I gave her the chance to tell me the truth.
Furthermore, several times while things were going on I had suspicions and would confront her. Once we went to a bottleshop and the clerk asked her "where's your man?" - she told me I misheard and they said "where's THE man" but I know what I heard.
She lied to my face, and I believed the lies. Those beautiful lies that I so desperately wanted to believe, because the truth was too horrible to accept.
I convinced myself that her lies were the truth, that nothing had happened. That my perfect girl was still perfect in every way.
For the next 6 years, I would have nightmares about what I'd heard, what I knew, but I'd wake up and hold her and believe her lies. I was so desperate to be happy I kept myself in denial.
3 years ago we had a son together. A few months ago we bought a house together.
3 weeks ago, I got drunk and I blurted out that I knew, that I'd followed her, that I'd gone through her laundry and found evidence of him on her underwear.
She finally admitted it to my face, and my world fell apart.
I have come to realise that the girl that I loved is long gone. I've spent the past 6 years loving a lie.
I feel trapped. I love my son, and I love my house, but I feel these are ties that I wouldn't have chosen had I faced the truth 6 years ago.
She feels remorse, sorrow and sadness, but I doubt she feels it the same way I do. She says she loves me and wants to continue having a life with me, but I don't know if I can. She tells me she can't live without me and doesn't want me to leave her, but these words don't have the same effect on me any more.
Every minute of every day is an effort for me, where I used to think of her and smile every 5 minutes, I think of her and feel sick, angry, and a deep, deep sense of loss. I can't look at her, and yet we console each other with sex.
The thought of leaving her only feels like an inconvenience, dividing the last 12 years of our lives up is a lot of work. I also feel that I should give her a chance and that she does really love me, plus we have a son together that would benefit by having loving parents - but I don't know if I can love her again, or forgive her. At the times when it hurts the most, thinking of being away from her actually makes me feel better.
I am a loyal and caring partner, I would not wish these feelings on anyone and I would not leave her high and dry for past mistakes, but I don't know if being with her is right for my heart and my soul any more. I don't want to punish her for what she did, but at the same time I don't believe she has done her penance.
There is at lot more that I can say, but thinking about it all hurts and it's hard to express so much of it.
I don't know what to do, I don't know where to go. I don't know how to feel.
All I feel is ruined.
