Hating myself right now

First of all, I apologise for the length that this message will be. There's a lot to get down. Secondly, at times I don't come across the best,but I was only ever following my heart - I am really not a bad person. Thirdly,thanks for listening.I never have and never will be someone who talks about their problems.My mum would tell you I always bottle things up and deal with them on my own. Guess I don't feel I'm worth anyone else's worry. Right,buckle yourself in. This is the story of the last 2 months of my life.

When I say 2 months, it actually starts last November. W,my wife, and I do amateur shows at our local theatre, In November last year,I didn't do the show as I can't have time off work in November,but I went and saw it and had a really good time.W was one of the leads and was absolutely amazing. What then company normally does is arrange for a cast meal a week after the show has finished. This was at a local restaurant. I went. There were a few new cast members that had joined for the show that I didn't know. One of them was an 18 year old called R. She was very pretty,but very shy,even though she was there with her boyfriend. Didn't say much and mainly interacted with her fella. In January this year,we started rehearsing for our next show.The first few weeks of rehearsals are pretty boring,sitting in rows,learning songs. Not much chance to talk with people. During the break,I usually chatted with W and our friends. Our 13 year old niece,L, decided to do the show and she spent breaks with the "younger" cast members. Once the show has been cast,you then start setting scenes and the movement for the songs. Think it was about half way through February that we started setting the opening of the second act. I was placed in a three with a woman called S on one side of me and R on the other. This was really the first time we spoke to each other,apart from the odd smile and nod hello before rehearsal started.She was,and is, a lovely young lady. We didn't talk much,but she always came across as very shy. We didn't even become facebook friends until about 3 weeks before the show started. Once we got into the swing of things,she started to chat more. As we were next to each other at the start of the 2nd act,we always had a little chat together.It generally along the lines of "are you OK?" "Enjoying the show?" etc. However,she always seemed to ask me "Are you sure you're OK?". It was during the run of the show that I noticed how stunningly beautiful she was,but didn't think anymore than that,as I see a lot of women and think that.
Anyway,she had her 19th birthday the Sunday before the show and one of the cast,T,who blatantly has a massive crush on her,bought a card and asked people to sign it. I didn't,as thought she wouldn't particularly bothered about me signing it. I turned 41 later on in the run. As is the norm,once the curtain shuts after the final performance,there's a lot of hugs and cuddles back stage as you've all put so much effort into the show and you feel slightly deflated that it's over. R came up to give me a hug and it didn't seem to stop.It felt like about 5 minutes,but was probably less than half that,but it was certainly the longest one I had that night. She was squeezing me tight. I did whisper in her ear if she was alright and she nodded into my shoulder and squeezed me harder. She also said a few times during the hug "I hope you've had a really good birthday?" I assumed it was that long because T was loitering,clearly waiting for his hug from her,and she didn't particularly want to give him one. I felt T thought the same,as when she finally let go,he looked at me and said "Oh,go on then BG76" and we had a manly hug!
Once we'd got changed, I helped to dismantle the set,whilst the majority of the cast went in the bar for the after show buffet.By the time W and I were ready to head home,R had already left.

So,on the Sunday, I sent R a message on facebook asking if she was alright,as the hug she gave me made it seem as if there was something wrong.She replied that she was fine and again,hope that I had a good birthday. Said,jokingly,that her hug was a great way to end it. She said that as long as I was happy to receive them,she would aways be happy to supply them. Then asked if her boyfriend had enjoyed the show,which she said he had.Then just talked about shows in general and how to build up her confidence for performing. A few days later, W and I were trying to finalise numbers for the meal at the curry house on the Friday,so I messaged her to see if she was coming.She said she wasn't sure as she'd enjoyed it at the fairway,but she was worried about money. Offered to go halfs on a curry with her. She wasn't sure how W would feel, but she agreed to come.She ended up sharing a curry with W. As we were stood outside the curry house afterwards,she again gave me a huge hug,which seemed to go on forever. As we got in the car,W asked if she was alright. Said I thought so,but would message her to check. We then had a long chat on facebook messenger until about 12:30 (bearing in mind I'd been in work at 4am and was due up at 5 on the Saturday for work), and we swapped MPNs,as messenger can be slightly slow.We then started texting. At this point,I started to really fancy her. Who in their right mind wouldn't? There's me, a fat,ugly old man with a stunning,sexy young woman apparently feeling the same way about me.

We texted each other a LOT. Almost every night.We both admitted we had feelings for each other and,should the opportunity arise,would probably act on those feelings despite what we had to lose. We discussed the possibility of meeting up on one of my Wednesdays off and spending the day together.There was one afternoon,whilst the Little One was at her Junior Band rehearsal,where she'd just got out the bath and proceeded to describe exactly what she was doing. Now I never asked for anything like that,but she did admit she did it to prove she was up for some fun.Did tell her that she didn't have to prove anything. Don't get me wrong,that wasn't the be all and end all of the texts.Some evenings,we just talked about stuff. She used me as a listening ear,when she was having problems with her dad. She told me all about the illnesses she's coping with. She told me about the problems she was having with her boyfriend (he'd cheated on her previously and now didn't seem interested in sex).She told me about some pretty horrible things that happened to her when she was at school. I told her stuff about myself that not even W knows. She was easy to talk to and vice versa. The "fun" texts were in the minority. She was on my mind constantly. I added snapchat to my phone and learnt how to do it with her help.When my brother got married, we couldn't talk as we had been, but I did text her to tell her that it would be a lovely place for the 2 of us to stop for a weekend. You can tell how much we were texting as when my mobile bill came,under the text section,it just shows a MPN and the amount of times you'd texted it for the month.W's was the 2nd highest,with 25 texts. Hers was top with 657!
Anyway,the Little One was doing a show at the theatre and she messaged me one evening to see if we'd booked our tickets yet,as she wanted to see it.Said we hadn't,so she ended up coming with the 2 of us,L,our niece,and my Mother-in-Law. We were joking in texts about the seating arrangements and I said we'd be unlikely to be sat next to each other,which is what we both wanted.So the night if the show arrived and W and I met R outside the theatre,with her boyfriend,who'd been at hers for the afternoon,but was on his way home. L and the M-I-L were waiting inside the theatre,so we made our way in. I gestured to the M-I-L to go in first,then W,followed by me.I could feel her making sure she was between me and L and thinking "Well done",so we ended up sat next to each other.During the show,we kept holding hands,stroking each others legs etc.Yes,I had W on the other side of me,but we couldn't help ourselves.I had put a jumper on,only in order to take it off and cover our hands up. I know,very devious of me.During the interval, I went to the toilet and,rather stupidly,sent her a text saying she was looking absolutely stunning.Silly,silly decision.I'd forgotten how nosey L is and she looked over as R read the text. L commented on it and she blustered her way through. After the show had ended,we went into the bar,as there was an after show buffet on for the kids. W and her mum managed to get sat down at a table,but I sat on one of the bar stools at the side of the bar and she stood with me. L was talking with a school friend who was also there. We were talking,in a busy noisy bar,so there was a lot of whispering going on,in order to be heard.At one point,I said something to her,she laughed and knocked her forehead on my shoulder.I then got up to get something from the car. L saw this,then looked at R and said "You look like a couple" She laughed this off and said don't be daft.

I then went a stood with W and her mum. Sent R a text saying I had gone over there as L was now talking to her,whereas she wasn't at first,so I'd been keeping her company (this is true and what I'd told W).L also saw this text. Later in the evening,I went outside the bar for some air. About 5 minutes later,R came out to say goodbye.We were still acting like lovesick schoolkids,surreptitiously touching each other as we talked,even though there were kids from the cast running around.I told her I'd walk her to her car,which was right at the far end of the car park.I'm fully convinced we would have kissed when we got to her car,but just as we were about to set off walking,the Little One came outside,so she walked across with us.She promised to let me know when she got home,and once we did,we started texting again.Told once more how stunning she looked and how her outfit looked amazing, she sent me a snapchat thanking me.She'd changed into her pjs.(I'm sorry for telling you all this next bit,but feel it's important).Sent her a snap back complimenting her on her cleavage.She sent one back showing her bra.I sent one showing the reaction it was causing (covered up) and did tell her that I only wanted her to send stuff she was comfortable sending and not stuff she thought I'd want to see.She was fine with this so all bits did stay covered.We eventually went to bed. We texted a little bit on the Sunday morning.Then,in the afternoon,W went up to her mum's. When she came back,I was upstairs.She came in our room and I asked if she was alright. She said no and asked why I'd been texting R the previous night.L had told Grandma,who had told W.I quickly explained that it was a text to boost her confidence,as she had quite low self esteem. All Wkept saying was I was a 41 year old man texting a 19 year old girl,who then showed the message to my 13 year old niece and I was in the spare room that night.Wanted to point out that as she was 19,she been an adult for over a year and also she didn't show them to L,L looked over R's shoulder at them.I was on my way out so said to W we'd discuss in more detail when I was back and the Little One was in bed. On my way out,I pulled over and rang R to tell her what had happend,but not to worry as I'd sort it.I then deleted all the texts we'd sent each other. When I discussed it with W,I explained that she looks on me as a father figure,who she can talk to,as her parents aren't that approachable (her dad certainly isn't). Said it was sent as a confidence booster,but was a massive error of judgement. Eventually W accepted what I was telling her and even let me sleep in our room.

I contacted R on the Monday and told her what I'd said. We had a frank text exchange where we discussed how we both still felt about each other.We eventually agreed to meet up on the Wednesday as I'd said it'd be easier to explain in person than in text.I did tell W that we were meeting,but that's because she wanted me to chat to R at the next rehearsal about the previous weekend,so got W to agree that it'd be better doing it beforehand,rather than at the break,with everyone wondering what we were talking about.We had a lovely lunch date,when R finally let me buy her something to eat.Yes,there was touching of fingers and holding of hands,but she did it first.We walked around town to do some shopping,then I walked her back to her car.Once we were out of the town centre - she was parked at the local leisure centre - we held hands.We got to her car,had some hugs.I said was it alright if I kissed you and she said no. We then texted later that evening and agreed we didn't want to lose the friendship and would have to keep a lid on our feelings. She admitted that holding hands felt right, and was glad I had asked before doing anything else.

The texts weren't as often then,as we decided we'd only do it when we were on our own,but still,on average,once every other day.A week last Wednesday,I went on twitter and noticed she'd unfollowed me. That was a real punch to the gut,as I thought were still getting on well. I even tweeted at the time:That just hurts so much. Don't even know how to put into words how it's making me feel.😕😕😕

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