The pain love has caused me

Long story, if you don't want to read it all just skip to girl 2


Girl 1: Lily

I moved to New Orleans a little before 9th grade started. I
didn’t know anyone at my new school, but I met a few guys
who I got along with quickly. I didn’t really know where to
sit at lunch for the first few weeks, but I saw one of the
guys I met one day and decided to start sitting with him. A
few other people I didn’t know started sitting there, and
one of them was this girl named Lily. It turned out I had
like 4 classes with Lily but I didn’t really notice until
then. Anyway, for the next 7 months or so I sat there
everyday, and I gradually got to be good friends with Lily.
By May of my freshman year, I was pretty good friends with
her, we talked a lot, and felt comfortable around her. Some
random person told me that me and her would make a good
couple, and I just denied it. But deep down I felt my heart
skip when I heard the person tell me this. But I just
repressed any thoughts of liking her. One day, she was
giving a speech in history class, and then all of a sudden
out of nowhere I started to really like her, like a dam of
my repressed affection for her had suddenly broke loose.
There was a three day weekend after that, and over that
weekend I became obsessed with her out of nowhere. She was
all I could think about, I would just lie in bed and think
about her. I couldn’t eat or anything. I decided I needed to
share my feelings, and I didn’t know how, so I wrote a love
letter that told her how much I liked her, and stuff like
“when I see you coming my heart skips a beat” But I never
actually asked her out in this letter

So I gave her this letter after school, and then she
kind of just walked away and I didn’t see her again that
day. The next day she completely ignored me, but there was
this awkwardness between us. That awkwardness continued for
the next two weeks, she never mentioned the letter I gave
her, but she had stopped talking to me and didn’t really
regard me anymore. This other guy named Peter had started
coming to our lunch table, and he would be mean to her and
steal her food and stuff, and one day he put his shoes on
her lap, and she tried to get him to take them off but he
wouldn’t. I started to take his shoes off, but then he
threatened to kill me. He was so mean to her, it was like he
didn’t care about her at all. After two weeks of awkwardness
between us, I just asked her out because I wanted closure on
how she felt. She said no. The next day, I heard that Peter
had asked her out, and she said yes. It didn’t make any
sense to me, because Peter was so mean to her and I was so
nice. School ended for summer shortly after that. During the
summer, I thought about her all the time, and fantasized
about her. I decided that maybe she changed her mind about
me over the summer, and decided that during the next school
year I was going to try to “win her over”

So the next school year started, and she pretended
like the whole letter incident never happened. We were like
friends again pretty much. Her birthday was the second week
of school, and I brought her a bunch of candy I knew she
liked. She didn’t really respond to me much that day. Her
and Peter had broken up over the summer, so I thought that
he wasn’t a problem anymore. A week after her birthday, I
asked her out on a date, but she told me her dad wouldn’t
let her go. I tried again a week later, but it didn’t work
either. Eventually she just flat out told me that she didn’t
like me. I said we could still be friends though, so we
tried to be “friends” but the entire time I still really
liked her and she still pretty much ignored me. There was
this other guy named Lucas who was friends with her, and
they seemed to be getting closer and closer. Eventually I
found out she and Lucas had started dating, but neither of
them had told me. She went on vacation, and brought back a
bunch of souvenirs, and gave one to Lucas, and some to other
people, but none to me. She completely ignored me. I felt
disgusted, because I knew that there was no way that Lucas
cared about her anywhere near as much as I did. To make
matters worse, Lucas told me that he didn’t even like Lily,
and he was just dating her because her friends wanted him
to. This made me very angry, and I told Lily this, but she
just ignored me. I then told her that I loved her, but she
ignored that too. I felt really bad and stopped eating lunch
with her. She felt sorry for me, so she made me this
bracelet with my favorite colors, but after she gave it to
me she just continued to ignore me. Lucas broke up with her
shortly afterward, and I felt like this was my opportunity
to get her. Shortly after Lucas broke up with her, I went to
Mexico with my family. When I was there, I found a piece of
bamboo, and sawed it and smoothed it out into a smaller
shape, then carved her name into it. It was a lot of work. I
gave it to her when I got back. She didn’t really show me
any attention when I gave it to her, but later I asked her
if she liked it and she said she liked it a lot. But still,
she didn’t like me and just totally ignored me pretty much.
I kind broke down, and one day at lunch I just told her my
feelings and that I couldn’t deal with this anymore. I
pretty much confessed my feelings in front of like 8 other
people, I was so distraught. She didn’t have anything to
say, she just said that she needed to finish her lunch, so I
felt messed up and I just left. Christmas break came up, and
during Christmas break we got into a texting argument, and
she said that she would never like me and I told her that I
couldn’t talk to her anymore because it hurt me too much. I
had been friends with her ex, Lucas, the entire time up to
this point. I started to hate him because I was jealous that
she liked him instead of me, and eventually we stopped being
friends and I started to hate him. I told myself that it
wasn’t because of Lily, but because he spread rumors about
me that I stopped being his friend, but deep down it was
because of Lily.

So I didn’t talk to her for the rest of the school
year really. During the spring, I met this girl named Petra,
and we had a lot in common, and we started talking a lot,
but I wasn’t really over Lily and didn’t make a move on
Petra. Petra just suddenly stopped talking to me, and I
didn’t really think much about it. At the end of the school
year, I decided to talk to Lily again after months of
silence. She had been friends with that Lucas guy the entire
time, but I tried to let that not bother me. Over the
summer, Lily and I would talk to each other for hours every
day. Originally she told me she had a boyfriend, but then
later told me she made it up and she was actually single. I
didn’t let that bother me. I could tell that she liked me,
we would talk so much. I asked one of my friends to ask her
if she liked me, but she told him that she couldn’t date me
even though she liked me because I was not friends with
Lucas anymore. This made me very angry, because it made no
sense. I felt that it shouldn’t matter whether or not I was
friends with Lucas, but she refused to date me. I didn’t
talk to her for about a month after this.

Then we started talking again, and I still felt that
she liked me. Eventually I confessed that I still had
feelings for her, that I loved her, that I would die for
her, and I told her that I could work it out with Lucas. I
honestly would have died for her. Nothing in the world was
as important to me as she was. Literally. She felt bad for
me, and told me that we could start dating after her
birthday, which was just like two weeks away. When her
birthday came along, which was just after the beginning of
11th grade, I asked her about it and she backed out. She
said she couldn’t make a decision about it until later, and
pretty much just blew me off and ignored me. I told her I
felt that she was ignoring me, and that she didn’t care
about me, and she got angry at me. I told her that I was
angry that she cared so much more about Lucas than me, and
she asked if I had ever had violent thoughts about Lucas. I
promised her I would never lie to her, so I told her yes,
that I had, and she simply stated that she refused to talk
to me if I thought violently about her friends, and we just
stopped talking after that. It had been such a long ordeal,
this happened 17 months after I had originally given her
that love letter. I have only said a few words to her since.

Girl 2: Petra

About a month after I last talked to Lily, I started
talking to Petra again. Somehow we got on the topic of
relationships, and I ended up confessing my entire Lily
story to her. She listened attentively, and was very
empathetic and nice to me about it. She told me her story
about a guy named Carter, and her story was very similar to
mine. She liked him a lot for a few years, just liked I
liked Lily, but he never liked her back. He would lead her
on, but always back out. I felt that I really had something
in common with Petra after this. We talked more and more
every day. One day she told me that she thought I needed to
get over Lily, and I really had started to get over her for
the first time. I spent more and more time with Petra, and
we had a real connection. She asked me out on a date, and we
went on it and I felt like I got along with her very well
and I really enjoyed being with her. So shortly afterwards,
I asked Petra if she wanted to be my girlfriend, and she
said yes. I was completely over Lily by then.

So Petra and I started our relationship, and I
thought it was really good at first. We were close, and I
really enjoyed being with her. She had become friends with
Carter, the guy she liked for a long time, but I trusted her
and I didn’t let it bother me. One day, she told me that she
was going to go to church with Carter, strictly as friends.
She reassured me that nothing was going to go on between
them, and she was just very curious about what his church
was like. She really insisted that nothing was going on
between her and Carter.

About a month later, I felt that she was getting too
close to Carter, and this other guy at school named Tom (who
is probably gay, but I still felt threatened by him) She
would talk to them a lot, and tell them a lot of the stuff
she would tell me. One day in the middle of class, I felt
that Tom and Carter were giving her way too much attention,
and that I was being excluded, and I just like ran out of
class. She asked me what was wrong later, and I told her
that I felt excluded. She told me that she didn’t want me to
feel that way, and I felt that we worked it out.

Over winter break, my feeling for her developed even
further. I felt that I loved her, and I wished I could spend
more time with her. I was only spending a few hours with her
every week, and I wished I was closer to her. Petra seemed
like the perfect girl for me. She was my first kiss, and at
this time I started to fantasize about marrying her and the
wedding. I was very nice to her, I genuinely cared about her
and I tried to do favors for her. For instance, I went
Christmas shopping with her and she wanted to buy her mom a
scarf but didn’t have enough money, so I lent her a bunch of
money. I also brought her flowers on our two month
anniversary, but she was asleep when I arrived at her house
(I had to arrive pretty early because I had to go somewhere
with my dad for a few days), but she left me a voicemail
later saying she loved them. We spent New Years together,
and I felt that it went really well. We made out, and after
I took her home, I went home and fantasized about her and
pleasured myself to thinking about having sex with her. I
hadn’t really had a lot of sexual thoughts about her prior
to that, but my feelings for her had become even stronger
than they ever did before. When we got back to school after
winter break, we were both very busy with school because
finals were coming up. She started to seem distant, like she
wouldn’t talk to me as much or show me much attention, but I
told myself that it was because she was stressed out because
of school. The second week after we got back after winter
break, I asked her if she wanted to hang out that Friday,
and she said she did. When Friday came along, she canceled
on me because she said she had to run errands with her mom,
but she could later that weekend. I asked her again on
Saturday, and she said she couldn’t but she could on Sunday.
Later on Saturday night, I saw that her and one of her
friends made a bunch of videos and posted them on Carter’s
facebook wall. So she blew me off in order to make videos
for Carter. This bothered me, but I tried to not think about
it. The next day, I asked her to hang out since she said she
would, and she told me she would tell me later, when she had
finished her homework. She never told me.

The next two days at school, she felt very distant.
Like it felt like our relationship had just become a job for
her, and she was just going through the motions. Like she
didn’t actually care about me anymore. I sent her an email
about this, telling her that I felt that she didn’t show me
any affection, etc, and that I was just in a queue of people
she talked to, like Carter and Tom. I also told her that I
thought she was an amazing person, that I would die for her,
and I wished I was closer to her. A little later, I saw that
she had emailed me back, and said “Should I just end it now?
Clearly his feelings have been hurt a lot already.” I
immediately messaged her asking if she meant to send that to
me, and she called me and said no, that she had meant to
forward that to one of her friends. She was breaking up with
me. She said she wasn’t emotionally ready for a
relationship. I tried to go to bed that night, but I felt
like the world was crushing me. I tossed and turned all
night, and had nightmares.

The next day at school, I told her we needed to
talk. After school we did, and she confessed that she had
just stopped liking me. She described how she wasn’t
emotionally mature enough for relationships, and that she
was very sorry that she hurt me so much. She started crying.
She said that over the last week or two she had just
randomly stopped liking me, and just simply couldn’t like me
anymore. I asked her if Carter had anything to do with it,
and she said no. I didn’t know what to make of this. I was
devastated. The next day I started messaging her online,
saying that I felt like I couldn’t live anymore and I needed
her. I said that nothing in the world was as important to me
as being with her. She asked if I felt like I was going to
hurt myself, and I kind of said yes. She told her mom, and
her mom called my mom, and my mom had a long talk with me
and I felt a little better.

So over the next three weeks after she broke up with
me, she stopped talking to me altogether. She moved from
next to me in class to next to Carter, and I no longer
existed in her world. She just ignored me. After about three
weeks, I figured out that she liked Carter again, and that
was the real reason she left me. I was distraught. How could
a girl I thought was so nice betray me like that? She had
REASSURED me that nothing was going to go on between her and
Carter, and then she turned around and completely betrayed
me. She lied to me, and made me feel worthless. I wanted to
kill Carter. She no longer cared about the guy who cared so
much about her, and tossed him aside like trash for a guy
who had treated her terribly over the last few years. I was
disgusted. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t understand how
a human being could be so cruel. I TRUSTED her with Carter,
because I felt like a nice boyfriend would let her be
friends with Carter, even after her history with him. And
she turned around and crushed that trust, and crushed me.
She would talk to Carter in class, and laugh, and the way
she looked at him I knew she liked him. She would show him
so much attention. It destroyed me. I set my facebook status
to “My girlfriend Petra left me for Carter,” because I felt
like I had to express that feeling, to let the pain I was
going through out into the open. Carter immediately sent me
a message denying it, and I told him that I would see him in
hell. I knew it was true, and I know how manipulative Carter
is. Carter is an elitist jerk who always put other people
down. Petra just deleted me from facebook, and didn’t say
anything about it.

Well that brings me to my current situation. She
broke up with me a month ago, but it was only 8 days ago
that I found out that Carter was the reason she left me.
Sometimes I think I am going to beat Carter up, or kill him.
Sometimes I want to kill myself. I don’t know how I can
trust another human being to love me after what Petra did to
me. She seemed like such a nice person at first, and no one
has ever hurt me as much as she has… I don’t know what to
do. I don’t feel like anyone can ever love me for real,
since both of the girls I have loved have made me want to
die.