How to fix a toxic relationship?

I am in my early 30's and have been in a long term relationship for 14 years. In this time we have never lived together although we have discussed it over the years and again recently.

The relationship has been difficult and I'd say it could be regarded as toxic and that we are both responsible for the behaviours that make it toxic. We got together young, he had never had a girlfriend before while I had had a couple of relationships one lasting two years. At the start I had more power in the relationship and he was thrilled to have a girlfriend. At the time I was in college and worried about getting drawn into a long term relationship. I dumped him after about 6 months of dating because I wanted to focus more on my self and my studies. I dated a few guys from college but met up with my ex again in the summer and we started dating again. That was probably the best our relaionship ever was, we were totally in love and it was great. I then went to study overseas for a few months and during that time developed feelings for another guy. Nothing happened but the seperation and my emotional infidelity strained the relationship but we got over it and things improved.

From this time however I think he began withdrawing his love and affection from me as punishment if I did something he didn't like. He doesn't find it easy to talk and I'm not sure he has much insight into his behaviour or feelings even now. I think though he was unconsciously able to pick up on my deep seated low self esteem (from childhood) and found that if he could harness that, make me feel bad about myself and unworthy of love and attention I'd not have the strength to go against him. Over time this has developed into a horrible pattern where I feel as though I am walking on egg shells around him terrified of his moods and disaproval. I feel so unworthy that I am afraid to challenge him on his behaviour as I feel he has many legitimate reasons to be critical of me. Once this pattern in our relationship developed my started to gain a lot of weight and he hates me being fat. I lost so much confidence that I ended up dropping out of the career I was pursuing (my boyfriend didn't approve of my job as it meant me being away a lot).

I have a 1st class degree but worked for years in a low paid part time job my self esteem and confidence plummetting year on year, my weight going up to match. Every 6 months or so he becomes so hateful towards me it causes a fight where he says he wants to leave me as I'm so unattractive and he's embarressed by me, he still loves me but things he deserves better, that I have held him back. After a week or two we talk and eventually agree to stay together, to try again. Normally I beg for him to stay with me. He was so cold and unloving towards me for months at a time I wouold frequently retreat into fantasy relationships in my mind thinking of a celebrity or some guy I worked with, of course nothing ever happened it was just away for me to get my needs met.

I know I am also to blame when he treats me so badly and I just accept it he must lose all respect for me. I let this happen, I allowed myself to become a victim in the relationship. It was the same for me at home as a child. It was a mostly happy home but I was always the black sheep, the scapegoat. I wonder if he feels emotionally manipulated by me, too guilty to leave me because I seem so weak, lost and out of control. I'm not what you could describe as independent. I am in my early 30's and live with my parents on welfare. I can't organise myself at all. I am always late, forgetful. I was diagnosed with adult add last year but have had no support or help for it. I thought I could use the time I was unemployed to sort myself out but I can go for months and do nothing quite easily, except of course gain weight. But I know I can be more than this, I was at one point strong and doing well, but I can't get back to that place.

My feeling now is that I would like to save the relationship if I can. I can't really talk to him about this at least not now. I think deep down we do love each other we just got locked into a negative pattern of behaviours. If I can break out of my pattern of behaviour then I don't see how he could remain locked in his. I think there is a chance that if I do change that we might actually break up but I can't stay as I am. I feel I need to learn to be detached, withdraw a little from the relationship and put myself first for a while so that I can be in the relationship and an equal not as a victim and a burden.

Is this possible, any advice for me? Sorry it is so long I really appreciate whoever reads this and any advice is very welcome. I can't afford therapy but books or websites that you think give good advice would be great.

Thanks again!

Valerie x

Sorry but when it's this bad it's not meant to be. You had 14 years to make it better, you had 14 years to move in togther, you had 14 years to get engaged, you had 14 years to get married. Know when to hang up the gloves.

I suggest you seek out counseling for yourself....this seems to be rooted with insecurity and low self esteem.....you need to know you are better than this guy. Have some self worth to stop the abuse.

The relationship should be at least second on your list of priorities at this point. You need to focus on yourself and having your life in order and being happy yourself. He needs to do that as well.

I am sure you have heard the cliche - before you can love someone else you have to love yourself. It is a cliche because it is true. Focus on your well-being and happiness right now, make sure that you are good with yourself in this world, and THEN concentrate on having someone else sharing that life with you.

Good luck.