Passionate Relationship, is it over?
Hello everyone,
I just need to get this off my chest. It is a big story... Any comments are welcome.
So here I go...
Here was I, an independent woman who had relationships before and had promised to herself that since she wants to get really serious with someone it would be better off to spend a little time alone.
Faith had spoken and a guy that I had never taken seriously, you know the type of the really hot guy with that stupid look I can have all of you, the type that really bugged me.
I had gone out on with him but I was not very unattractive of his behaviour. Though I liked him he tried to kiss me but I didn't let him. He also was a ship-engineer and had told me that relationships and ships do not match. After that I dissappeared. I liked his honesty but that was not what I was looking. Out of nowhere he re-appeared in my life after months. First we talked very friendly and objectively I liked him as a person. We went out and believe me I did not know it would be a date. And he kissed me.
He would sail for 2 months away and we said to take it casually. We never expected that this casual thing would turn up into a relationship. I was thinking of him all the time, so was he, and we were talking constantly.
Then mistakes started... As he said he always would do his business and go but he wanted more with me. I did the mistake and I told him all about my past. HUGE MISTAKE. I guess it is on my nature. And even I knew he was fooling around before when I got to know him better, he really showed interest and love and took care of me in very difficult moments. As I did too.
What I did not know, was that every month he would make comments about my past and he would demand to break-up and then I would beg him to come back. He always would come back and I would always beg in fights that he had started because he was insecure about my relationship. That kept going. He was extremely jealous, of course distance did not help. We were very passionate, loved each other and would do the most crazy things one for another. I had never opened my-self so much. Not in my previous serious relationship. Not even to my friends who know me since I was 10.
He is a very difficult character, everyone says it and I know it but somehow he is really the only one who can really make me calm. He drives me crazy more than anyone, but in the hard times he was the one to ease the pain.
I did everything for him, put up with the breaking up every 2-3 months, stopped going out for drinks with my friends because so did he and I figured it would not be cool for him to be on the ship enginees working and me going out. I did not want to. I would report everything I did not because he would force me but because I wanted to do so. He would do the same.
About a month ago he went secretely with his friend to Mikonos. Something he had asked me to do in the past, and I said if you really want to go then go but I would prefer to go to another island (mikonos is very popular for getting off limits). Well I found out.
He told me he did not do anything (I really believe him, if he wanted to do something he could do it everywhere) and he went without telling me because he was afraid I would break up with him or that I would do the same. After a few days I took him back but asked him to never tell me a lie again (he had apologized a thousand times, said he wanted to tell me and was filled up with guilts and he would never tell a lie again) and stop those breaking-up crisis he is having, and his insecurity would not stand in the way (he told me he was afraid after that incident he was afraid I would revenge him by cheating on him). Well it did stand in the way. And in 3 days we had so many fights. At the last one of course he told me to break and hang up on me.
We haven't spoken in 3 days. His mother is calling me everyday giving me the updates, even though I told her this would not be right. He found out and called me yesterday screaming at me. His mother called again after and adviced me to (as always she does but I won't listen) not call him again even if he calls not pick up and she believed he would come back, if he wasn't well it wasn't worth it.
Well the same night he had the nerves to call me one hour after midnight for three times in my cell and one in my house. I did not pick up frankly because I got fed up of being yelled at and I had work to do in the morning.
Everyone says it is very possible to get back together but I don't think so, beacuse I did not beg this time.Now I am standing here, wondering with my self.... I NEVER let anyone hurt me like that. I can't believe my behaviour. What is even more screwed up? After all these, I still want him. I don't know why! It is not like I won't find anyone else as my friends tell me. I want him. As simple as that. We were always telling each other we wanted to be together forever, and when the right time comes move in together and have a family. We had dreams and he was my best friend. We could stay for so many hours and not wanting to be apart. I never pushed him to not go out with his friends. It was his occupation which made even worse thesituation. He is putting up with a lot of pressure but that's no excuse. I really really love him but it is not ony just that. I have loved before and I had made dreams before.
And before you think I am some kind of woman who can't live without a man and is not dynamic at all I have to tell you, that I was brought up in a house full of problems with a mum with schizofrenia and managed to get a job in the age of eighteen pay my private school and then moved by myself. I find no excuse in wanting him so badly...
(Sorry for the huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge post, even if noone reads it though it was good therapy).
Kari
