New Relationship Insecurities......

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04-11-10, 04:41 PM
Ideal Dreamer

New Relationship Insecurities......

Hello everyone,

I was hoping to get some advice and share other people’s experiences of insecurity in relationships and how different people go about dealing with them.

Up until now, my relationship history has been pretty poor and despite giving myself time to get over things from the past, I still seem to have this bad habit of letting insecurity creep into a new relationship at a very early stage.

I think my last relationship has heightened those senses as the post-breakup comments from my ex were, shall we say, not exactly complimentary and I think that only now, when embarking on a new relationship for the first time, have I come to realised just how much it’s affected me.

I have recently entered into a relationship with someone who I have known for several months. The attraction has been there for sometime but it’s only been 6 weeks since we actually made that step over the line between friends and partners. In all the time we’ve known each other we’ve got to know so much about the other and when we finally made that plunge into a relationship, I thought it was with someone that I really knew. This is something new for me as I’ve made the mistake in the past to jump in head first and not know anywhere enough about the other person.

I kept my guard up for a little while as I always do (I’m talking about the last 6 weeks), but I soon realised that sooner or later that guard has to be dropped, and I slowly but surely let my guard down and let her in just that little bit more. All of a sudden, in the last couple of days, I suddenly realised that my guard had gone, I’d let her right in and I’d quickly got extremely close to her and I guess it’s freaked me out a little bit!

I’ve found that now I’ve let my guard down, my insecurities about relationships have gradually crept to the surface and despite my best intentions, they have been on show and she’s noticed even to the point she said ‘I really don’t know what I’ve done to make you feel so insecure but stop it!!’

I’ve started to second guess what she might say to me and I always second guess the worst option! If she doesn’t reply to my text like normal I am wondering what I’ve done wrong. When she asks me a simple question I get really over analytical and look for other reasons why she’s asking that question. She asked me to come over to her place, and I reacted with ‘only if you want me to, I don’t want to be in the way’ and she said ‘OMG I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want you to’! Suddenly every little thing has got me worried, every look, every action, every comment she makes I feel myself looking for hidden meaning behind them and most of all I feel like I’m not going to make her happy.

She has done absolutely nothing at all to make me feel like this, the insecurity has come from my head! I’ve read that it can be normal sometimes, but sometimes I wonder that how I let myself feel is leaning towards the extreme side!

So I was just hoping you might be able to share if you’ve felt like this in the past. How you dealt with your own insecurity etc etc.

Thanks for reading
04-11-10, 07:36 PM
IncognitoSir

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ideal Dreamer [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Hello everyone,

I was hoping to get some advice and share other people’s experiences of insecurity in relationships and how different people go about dealing with them.

Up until now, my relationship history has been pretty poor and despite giving myself time to get over things from the past, I still seem to have this bad habit of letting insecurity creep into a new relationship at a very early stage.

I think my last relationship has heightened those senses as the post-breakup comments from my ex were, shall we say, not exactly complimentary and I think that only now, when embarking on a new relationship for the first time, have I come to realised just how much it’s affected me.

I have recently entered into a relationship with someone who I have known for several months. The attraction has been there for sometime but it’s only been 6 weeks since we actually made that step over the line between friends and partners. In all the time we’ve known each other we’ve got to know so much about the other and when we finally made that plunge into a relationship, I thought it was with someone that I really knew. This is something new for me as I’ve made the mistake in the past to jump in head first and not know anywhere enough about the other person.

I kept my guard up for a little while as I always do (I’m talking about the last 6 weeks), but I soon realised that sooner or later that guard has to be dropped, and I slowly but surely let my guard down and let her in just that little bit more. All of a sudden, in the last couple of days, I suddenly realised that my guard had gone, I’d let her right in and I’d quickly got extremely close to her and I guess it’s freaked me out a little bit!

I’ve found that now I’ve let my guard down, my insecurities about relationships have gradually crept to the surface and despite my best intentions, they have been on show and she’s noticed even to the point she said ‘I really don’t know what I’ve done to make you feel so insecure but stop it!!’

I’ve started to second guess what she might say to me and I always second guess the worst option! If she doesn’t reply to my text like normal I am wondering what I’ve done wrong. When she asks me a simple question I get really over analytical and look for other reasons why she’s asking that question. She asked me to come over to her place, and I reacted with ‘only if you want me to, I don’t want to be in the way’ and she said ‘OMG I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want you to’! Suddenly every little thing has got me worried, every look, every action, every comment she makes I feel myself looking for hidden meaning behind them and most of all I feel like I’m not going to make her happy.

She has done absolutely nothing at all to make me feel like this, the insecurity has come from my head! I’ve read that it can be normal sometimes, but sometimes I wonder that how I let myself feel is leaning towards the extreme side!

So I was just hoping you might be able to share if you’ve felt like this in the past. How you dealt with your own insecurity etc etc.

Thanks for reading

Now I can say that I've personally had relationship insecurities but this extremity of yours is far from normal my friend. TBH, I don't think you're capable of a healthy relationship in this state. You're just gonna sabotage all your relationships if you don't address this issue which may lead to other mental or emotional problems. Get some counseling and you should speak with your gf about your insecurities otherwise you're just going to end up pushing her away and she'll never understand just how deep your insecurities have and are affecting you.
04-11-10, 08:11 PM
Ideal Dreamer

I understand what you are saying, however I've been doing some reading up on this and it seems like Anxious Pre-Occupied Attachment, which I have found defined as:

Anxious-preoccupied attachment
People who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment tend to agree with the following statements: "I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don't value me as much as I value them." People with this style of attachment seek high levels of intimacy, approval, and responsiveness from their partners. They sometimes value intimacy to such an extent that they become overly dependent on their partners—a condition colloquially termed clinginess. Compared to securely attached people, people who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment tend to have less positive views about themselves. They often doubt their worth as a partner and blame themselves for their partners' lack of responsiveness. People who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment may exhibit high levels of emotional expressiveness, worry, and impulsiveness in their relationships.

Now this sounds just like me! I crave the closeness of a relationship and even though my partner may feel exactly the same about me as I do her, it's a case that if she doesnt show it I need to look for it! The neediness of being loved I guess.
04-11-10, 08:40 PM
YouAreBeautiful

I would recommend doing some self-therapy. Perhaps reading a book, listening to a podcast series on self-confidence, picking up a hobby such as a workout that makes you feel good about yourself. Talk to people asn ask them how they feel confident. Just work on yourself as a project and with time your insecurity will decrease. Everyone always has some eprsistant insecurity, but if it's taking over your life you need to take some of these extra steps.
04-11-10, 09:12 PM
Ariadne

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ideal Dreamer [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I understand what you are saying, however I've been doing some reading up on this and it seems like Anxious Pre-Occupied Attachment, which I have found defined as:

Anxious-preoccupied attachment
People who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment tend to agree with the following statements: "I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don't value me as much as I value them." People with this style of attachment seek high levels of intimacy, approval, and responsiveness from their partners. They sometimes value intimacy to such an extent that they become overly dependent on their partners—a condition colloquially termed clinginess. Compared to securely attached people, people who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment tend to have less positive views about themselves. They often doubt their worth as a partner and blame themselves for their partners' lack of responsiveness. People who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment may exhibit high levels of emotional expressiveness, worry, and impulsiveness in their relationships.

Now this sounds just like me! I crave the closeness of a relationship and even though my partner may feel exactly the same about me as I do her, it's a case that if she doesnt show it I need to look for it! The neediness of being loved I guess.

Actually I think that sounds pretty normal for that stage of the relationship. The first few months tend to be filled with infatuation and wanting to be around your new partner as much as possible. And since you still don't know her that well, I think it's natural that you wonder about her motives sometimes. Before you go to counceling, just give it a little more time and see if the crazy wears off. Just you know... try to get those urges to ACT on the crazy impulses in check.