Woken up from a coma. What now?
Hi there. This is my first thread. I'll try to be as brief as possible.
Do you remember Lester Burnham, from the film American Beauty? When he suddenly realises he's been leading a fake, empty life, he says: "I feel like I've been in a coma for the past twenty years".
Well, that's exactly how I feel.
Let me get to the point, right after a short introduction.
As my nickname says, being 28 I'm some sort of a latebloomer. For many reasons, specially for self-esteem issues, I remained a virgin until a quite advanced age. Also, since I was raised a catholic, I carried on my shoulders certain preconceptions about sex; for instance, that one should have intercourse not neccesarily and exclusively inside marriage, but at least during a steady, serious, formal and official relationship.
So... I only had a few (very few) girlfriends in the past. Long term girlfriends. In fact, almost every girl I dated, I dated them bearing in mind that they should be meant to make nothing but a serious couple. And no less. Obviously, that's not the best approach anyone can think of.
The thing is... I had this girlfriend last year. We broke up in October. It was a very painful experience. Not that I was in love with her (I'll explain it further), but she had those manipulative, psychopathic ways... She even cheated on me, whlist she blamed me for being the actual cheater (something I never was) and also made me chose between her or my friends. Sick and twisted, yeah.
That's when I realised that I hit rock bottom.
If only sex had been good, but no, not even that. She was a hardcore vegan straight edge, with lots of prejudices and moral pickiness towards sex, which she based on her principles and her strange ideology.
Honestly, it was not my first experience in a relationship when things were not only so messed up, but its sexual aspect didn't even make it up for all the rest. Emotional frustration and sexual frustration is an awful mix.
After the break-up, I started -for the very first time in my whole life- to visit escorts. Not street hookers, not club strippers. I mean: call girls. (Sorry for my English, for it's not my native language and it takes me a lot of effort to express myself neat and clear).
The first couple of experience were no big deal. And yet, they were far better than any other girl I've been officially with.
But then, I began to feel more comfortable in my own skin and really enjoyed what I was doing. That's the moment when I woke up from the coma. I was with this escort, and she was so nice and tender and caring, and sex was so great, my orgasms were so intense that I couldn't help it but think: "This is IT!".
Of course, I won't fool myself. I now it's their job and one is paying for a service. But it was some sort of wake-up call for me. I mean... It was nothing like in porn movies (in fact, it was nothing from the other world) and still it kept me thinking: there should be a way to find this same thing without paying for it. There should be a way to date someone out of fun, mutual pleasure and without making plans for the future.
The escorts I was with didn't look like top models. They were just girls I found attractive. Which made sex way more enjoyable. And that was not the case of the girls I dated or even been in a relationship with.
I don't mean to be rude. Just honest. Either way, it's me and only myself who I've been disrespecting all the while. I came to realise that, until now, I've only been dating girls who were below my leage. Their looks, their habits, their personal history, their ways, their sense of humour, their intelligence, their mental health and so on: all the very opposite of what I really like in a woman.
Of course, it's easier not to fall in love with someone who's not your match. And it's easier not to suffer if you break up. But also it's easier not to get turned on by them, not to enjoy sex, not to feel fulfiled.
Looking back, I remembered all the girls I knew since my early teen years. Here's the conclusion I drawn. It's quite sad and pathetic:
I never asked out the girls I really liked. I didn't even try to make explicit my intentions. One half of them never knew I liked them, and -the other way round- I never knew if they liked me. The other half of girls I liked, didn't knew either that I liked... but they did liked me back. And I ran away. I avoided them. I didn't have the balls to make my move.
Instead, all the girls I asked out were the girls I didn't find attractive. In most cases, I was already aware that they liked me, so there was not even the risk of being dumped, the adrenaline of the uncertain, if you will.
Well, the current panorama is a very different now, since now I know what I like, what I want and what I do not like and do not want. The only problem is how to start. I just can't figure out the way of asking what I need. I don't want a serious relationship right now; what I deeply want is to recover lost time as much as I am able. I want to have fun and explore my sexuality and take my time to find my significant other spontaneusly, without forcing it, without hurrying love.
I like visiting escorts every now and then, but I don't want to depend on them. I want to date someone I really like, someone with whom we have "chemistry" in bed and so on... But, again, I have no clue about how you do that.
And one more thing... I'm scared that, if I date someone who I really like, I fall in love.
That's all.
Thanks for reading.
And thanks in advance for any input.
Your insight will be of great help.
