Separated and still in the same house
Hi, was a good place to start.
I have been with my wife for 8 years, she has been controlling and jealous from early on, but by the time I saw the problems it was too late, I was in love and felt I could help and hoped we could work it all out together, but as the years went by I got farther away from my family, friends, and my daughters to a previous marriage.
Over the last year my wife has ended the relationship maybe 5 times, I was depressed and lonely, sad for not being able to see my children when I wanted to without an argument, sad that we spent 24 hours a day together (retired me due to ill-health, and her own small business she would go in to check on because it would have meant I would have been on my own to do what I wanted) for most of that time.
In fact, we hadn’t spent one night apart and I had only been for a drink with my friends twice in the whole 8 years, and that got thrown up in every argument we had. I have never in my life been unfaithful or abusive, and she told me that her other relationships failed because her partners cheated on her or were abusive.
What brought my wife to keep ending the relationship this last year, was that I had become so sad and depressed at missing my daughters, only getting to see them maybe once a month if I was lucky, and feeling I was becoming distant from them and fearing I would lose them all together, and so I put up some resistance and stated I wanted time to see them.
The time before last that she ended the relationship, was because I wanted to see my daughters and we argued and she ended it, but I got to see my daughters for a whole weekend because of it, before her begging me to come back and me going back like a fool. I told her that time, that the next time would be the last time, and a few months later I told her I wanted to see my daughters for a few hours a week on Sunday, and she ended it.
We have a large static caravan in the garden and I moved into that straight away, and she went to stay with her sister for a week. When she returned, she begged me to take her back, and it sounded that she was serious about working it out together this time, until she ended her begging speech with “but you need to see a shrink and need to apologise to me for what you have done”. Well, I told her to get out of the caravan and forget it.
I few weeks later I decided the caravan was bloody cold and I could see smoke coming from the wood burners in the house where it was toasty and warm, and where all my comforts were, and I thought to myself, what am I doing in this caravan when the house is in my name and my pensions cover all the bills! So I moved back into my own room and this is where I am now, 3 months later.
The house is on the market, but is not getting the viewings and it looks like it could take some time to sell. I am so sad and have fought with myself on a daily basis about wanting to get back with her, almost at a point where I feel I want to beg her to keep it going. I see her daily and she may go out and stay out once a week, and I now do the same.
I am not seeing anyone else, and I don’t know whether she is or not. She made it that bit easier for me a few days ago, but I was also sickened to the stomach at the same time. As I came into the kitchen, she was sat there with a coffee each. She said in these words “if your children disappeared of the face of the earth tomorrow, I might suggest that we give it another go”. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, my eyes filled up with tears and I froze.
I really did feel sick. I said “what the hell was that, how can you be so horrible”. She started crying and saying how she hated being made to feel less of a priority than my children (whom I rarely saw), and she was crying only for her, nothing else. At that moment the side gate blew open and I ran out to shut it before it came off it’s hinges. I was literally seconds, and as I returned, she was stood at the back door with a big smile and said “could you pass me a bottle of water out of the bunker please”. It was like nothing had happened and it was really scary.
With regard to my wonderful daughters, now aged 18 and 21, I had dinner with them, and they told me they had never expressed their feelings about my relationship with my wife, because they said they knew I would work it out in the end. They said they had always been there for me and always will be. Over the last 3 months I have seen them more than I have in the last 8 years, and I love it.
What I want to know is, how to survive living together until the house sells, is it really possible. I still hurts daily, but I now hurt for what could have been, and I am really happy for I know what will be a much better future without her. I feel she has missed out on a lot and will never ever see how it went wrong, other than it being all my fault.
I will leave here and buy a new house nearer my daughters and family, and friends who I rarely saw, and I know this is going to sound strange, but I can now even talk to people I love on the phone, without worrying about her getting a mood on for it. I have started at the gym, I cycle, and I now come and go as I please, and all of these things I wasn’t able to do before.
It feels strange, and I still feel like I shouldn’t be doing these things, but at the same time, I know I should have always been able to do these things. My family are thrilled I am getting my health back (3 stone lighter already), and are looking forward to now being able to spend time with me without me getting in the neck before I see them or straight after.
But like I said, I am still feeling sad and happy a dozen times a day. I still feel she is in control of me, and I feel I still love her and miss her. But how can that be, how can I love and miss someone who has kept me a prisoner and under her control for so many years. I feel like a wimp and like a big soft baby, and yet I was never like that before I met her, so how could I have let this happen, and more importantly, how can I get through this living together until the house sells.
I have spoken to a solicitor but they say if I move out she could change the locks and it could take years to get her out and to sell the house, I don’t want to live in my sisters spare room as she has really got her hands full already, and I can’t afford to rent a house. I have no mortgage and my bills here a very low.
Oh, and just before I managed to post this, she started a huge argument throwing all kinds of horrible words at me, before leaving and saying she will be back tomorrow. So, what do you think of me, where do you think my head is, and how do I go forward. Thanks