Confessions of the Cheater
Where to begin, I'm not sure. I suppose I'll start talking about how I had a first love crash and burn while I was the pilot. If you read some of my previous post you'll see how I gushed over the boy I was with for nearly two years. He was my best friend and I was completely reliant on him. He helped me open my eyes to a lot of things, and he also helped me through a lot of things. He was supportive in many ways, others he certainly lacked. However, I loved him with my whole heart for a long time.
In August, I went to college to play softball and it was a good four hour drive for him. For the first month and a half I spent so much time hidden in my room skyping him and talking to him. My life had become: School, Talking to him, Softball. That wasn't right. My school work was even lacking because I would put stuff off in order to spend the knight skyping him. I didn't go out with my roommate to welcome back parties, I didn't know anyone other than the softball team, and I was unhappy. I hated school and I wanted to transfer to his college and be with him. He was completely supportive of this too. I was willing to do this too, even if it would upset my parents. I had boyfriend blinders on.
It all changed when my roommate finally coaxed me out of the room on a night my boyfriend at the time had to work. She had made some friends with some freshman boys on the football team and they wanted to go fishing that night. I decided what the hell, I'd go. I had never met any of these boys before but I had heard so much about them. When I met them, there was one boy who caught my attention. I felt instantly attracted to him; I just really wanted to get to know about him. the night progressed and I just found him so interesting. It was funny how our group paralleled too: three boys and three girls. It seemed as if each of us had our match too. This boy (I'll refer to him as Steak because that's his football nickname) was my "equivalent". After the boys left, I turned to my roommate and asked her all about him, I think I even said the dreaded words "If I wasn't with *****, I would so want to try and date him" or something stupid along those lines.
After that instance I realized I had classes with Steak and we developed a somewhat acquaintanceship. We weren't great friends, but we knew each other enough to talk. I continued to talk with my boyfriend at the time, but it became less and less as I was spending more time with what became "the group". It was in this time I realized how much fun I was actually having. I stopped being so unhappy and I "bought in" to my college experience. This didn't come without a trade off though. Boyfriend at the Time and I started fighting, which had never been an issue before. I was starting to see the flaws in our relationship and that I wasn't being respected like I should be. The blinders were slowly coming off.
There was one particular night when my sister was down to visit, that the boyfriend at the time and I got into a really nasty argument. I told him that I just didn't know about us anymore. I didn't know where things were going. I could tell he sounded shaken on the phone, but he told me that we should try and talk in the morning about everything. I was a wreck and I was upset.
That night my friends planned on drinking and I partook, in hopes of escaping the pain of a crumbling relationship that was once so stable. We had moved our "party" to the PIKE house, but Steak stayed back. He didn't want to walk across campus under the influence. While walking over, one of the guys in the group told me that Steak had a thing for me. He also informed me that Steak has never had a girlfriend and didn't know how to go about doing anything. I told the guy that I really like Steak too (I admitted it to myself) and if he would make a move I that would reconsider some things.
When we reached PIKE I acted completely irrationally, I was only there for a few minutes before I decided to go back to the boys dorm. Steak was still there so I called him and he let me in. We went back to him room and did nothing but talk. We talked about a whole myriad of topics. We found out we had so much in common, even little weird things. It was refreshing to be able to open up to someone like that. After while everyone showed back up and came into Steak's room. They had drank more and it turned into this weird "Everyone split up and cuddle session". Steak and I were dared to kiss, after some objection we just sort of leaned into each other. It escalated and we were making out. After that, Steak stayed up and talked to me. The affects of the alcohol were wearing off and now we both seemed in our right minds. I know what I did was wrong, I even cried a little and he held me. He kissed my forehead and stroked my hair. After that we had began to talk some more and I asked him if he would want a relationship from me. He smiled and said "yeah, I think I could deal with you". He was completely respectful of me. As the night progressed I ended up staying over there.
I woke up at about 5 in the morning and I was no longer in the enchantment of what was going on. I woke up upset and confused. Steak offered to drive me home, but I denied. I walked back to my dorm, I didn't have my key and I was lucky that my friend answered on the first call. She let me in and all I did was cry. I cried my eyes out. I cried and I fell asleep. The next morning Steak had texted me apologizing for everything. He felt so bad for what he did. I tried to play it off, but I was hurting. I knew later that day I would have to break up with my Boyfriend at the Time.
To make matters worse, I had to try and play cool around my family who was visiting. Fortunately, they let me go back to the dorm and sleep while they were out and about. I was woken up by a phone call from the Boyfriend at the time. He told me that he couldn't hear me talking to him so I should go outside. I thought that was weird, but I did and as I stepped outside I collapsed into his chest. I didn't even see his face, but I had seen his chest millions of times before and I knew it like the back of my hand. I collapsed into him and I didn't say anything, I just hugged him and that's all. He kept asking what in a light voice and hugged me back. We sat on the front steps and he just smiled at me. When I looked at him, I started to cry and that's when it happened.
I told him everything. I told he everything that happened the night before, all the details. I cannot hide things, especially from him. The boyfriend at the
time was patient. He listened to me, he wasn't angry at all. He gave the example of throwing a Zippo lighter against a wall. Sure, it will still work for him, but it wouldn't have the same click noise to it as it had before. He was willing to look past everything and still be with me. We went out to eat for the last time together after we spoke. It was Mexican food. It seemed fairly normal, we acted as if nothing had happened. Then the boyfriend at the time was insistent that he speak with Steak. I shouldn't have let him, but I did.
Steak wouldn't be available until later that night, so the boyfriend at the time and I went back to my dorm room. I tried to talk things out. He confessed how much I meant to him, and I was hurting as I listened. I felt so wrong that it didn't convince me to want to be with him for sure. I thought that maybe being intimate with boyfriend at the time may help. In the whole time we had been intimate, he has never been that passionate. I knew this, and in the middle it struck me so bad that I began to cry. He tried to console me, but it didn't work. I confessed to him that I didn't know what I wanted. This cut him deep and got up to put his clothes on. I laid there watching him. He just leaned against the wall silent, then he said "If you have any intentions breaking up with me, do it now." I just got teary eyed again and told him that I wanted some time to think.
I walked him out to his car and got inside. As I turned away, he got out and gave me a hug and rubbed my back. I said good bye and he said good bye and drove away. Later that night I found out that when he had talked to Steak, he played mind games with him. I ran into Steak that night to apologize, and he was physically sick. He didn't even want to speak to me again.
The next day, the boyfriend at the time became nothing more that that on his own terms. Jacob didn't talk to me for a week plus. And then it took a while after that for him to decided that he wanted to pursue something with me. Now we are very happy, and I feel like a better person with him. But the idea of my ex still gets me. Per his request we've kept in somewhat touch, which always results in a type of guilt trip that makes me uncomfortable. I'm going to try and not talk to him anymore. But I'm going home for the first time for Thanksgiving and I'm anxious because he will be right around the corner. Our old stomping ground will be everywhere and I don't know how I am going to handle the constant reminders of him.
My apologies for the length. I've never expressed what happened in full and I needed an outlet.
