Should we go on a break?
My boyfriend and I are both 20, we’ve been together for 4 years. This is the only relationship either of us has ever had.
The problem is that I’m getting bored. I love him. No doubt, but I’m not IN love with him and I never have been and I sincerely doubt I ever will be. He loves me but I don’t think he’s IN love with me. In all our time together we have never said “I’m in love with you” to each other, apart from when he said it indirectly once
Me “What would you do if I died?”
Him “Well, I’d be gutted. If someone you were in love with died you’d be pretty cut up wouldn’t you?”
Me “You’ve never said that – that you were in love with me.”
Him “No well, ‘in love’ means something different to ‘love’ for me. I didn’t mean it like that.”
He’s been pursuing me since we were 11 and he put a chocolate bar in my bag with his mobile number on. It took 5 years of being friends (when I say friends I mean talking on IM, strangely we didn’t meet up) for him to convince me to give it a try. At the time when I agreed to give it ago, I was feeling pretty low. My granddad had died, and I’d been rejected by a friend that was living in London who said a long distance relationship wouldn’t work. So, I think maybe he was my rebound guy, but he’s lasted 4 years so far.
We’re now at uni together (you apply to 5 and we only had one the same, it was my 4th choice but I didn’t get offers from the top 3). Then we ended up in the same accommodation but different blocks. Again, we applied to different ones but were both allocated the same. Having him around was great, I didn’t feel homesick at all and it was lovely to be able to pop round and see him whenever I wanted. We saw each other most days. Then at the start of second year I bought a house (I’ve been working since I was 14 and was quite savvy with my student loan so had enough for a deposit). We lived together with two other girls who kept themselves to themselves. Again, he was fantastic. A huge support with general household duties and just listening to me whine about them all the time.
However, I feel like something is missing. It is now the summer break, he is still living at my house in uni on placement and I have moved back home to Sheffield. I don’t miss him. I only speak to him out of necessity. When I meet him it is nice, but as mentioned earlier, I feel like something is missing. I’ve felt like this before, at the start of second year I was considering breaking it off. I get these thoughts every few months.
When he kisses me, I’ll kiss back, but I don’t really have any desire to kiss him. We have good sex, but to get myself ready I often find myself thinking about other things: fantasies, or a story I read. Now I’m even having dreams about being with other people. I’ve made an effort to make it better, but he doesn’t even think there is a problem. I’m quite imaginative, I’ll dress up or make a treasure hunt and surprise him, but he does no such things for me. It’s not really in his nature. When I think about why I love him, it is because of the way he makes me feel. I feel confident and supported and strong and sometimes amazing. I know he’ll always be there for me. He’s smart and mature and I know he loves me. And I love him for it.
I’m not unhappy with him. I could see us having a nice life and getting married and having kids and I know he would be a fantastic father. But some selfish part of me wonders if life could be better. I want passion and excitement and a challenge. I know I’m in control in the relationship. He’s not like a puppy who I boss about but deep down he wants to please me more than I want to please him.
This is the most serious I’ve been about ending it with him. But why end something when I’m not even unhappy? And it will make me unhappy, and him. Plus, I’ll be £2000 down from his rent if I end it now (I could get by without it). We’re supposed to be living together next year just the two of us. So if I break it off I’ll probably be living alone unless I can find other tenants. He seems happy, but when I’m miserable so is he. He is lovely. Lovely is a stupid word to describe him because it doesn’t do him justice. He is fantastic, but I’m not in love with him. Is loving him enough?
