First Love ended bad - Just want some opinions and thoughts: Talking about it helps
I'll give you the full complicated story:
Background:
We were good friends since elementary, and she had always had a crush on me. She at one point asked me out but I was seeing someone and chose the other girl instead (Mainly cause at the time I was planning on moving, and a relationship with the other girl seemed like a possibility).
In the end, I didn't move. Me and the other girl didn't work out, and me and the main girl this story is about remained good friends, although I deep down regretted not choosing her.
3 years foreword. We are still good friends, but a lot has happened: I had changed a lot, mainly due to battling and winning against depression (family issues) -- and she was with someone and they had been together for over a year. But we were still good friends.
Also to be noted: we are both 17 close to 18, but I've had flings and other brief relationships and she has had other relationships too.
Beginning:
In December 2012, she was with someone. They had been dating for over a year but I showed obvious interest in her none the less. We were good friends and she came over to hang out. She ended up asking me who I liked (She later said she was hoping I would say her), instead of answering I just kissed her -- she kissed back. Afterwards I tried to kiss her again but she stopped me and said she couldn't and needed to think.
Basically, she ended up leaving him and being with me... but not with me... This is where things first get complicated. We spent the next three months together doing everything couples do -- spending time, going out on dates, sex, cuddling (the deep, emotional kind) -- but to her, we weren't "together". We were more than friends with benefits but somehow less than a couple?
In the following march (2013), we started "officially" dating I guess would be the term.
Middle:
We spent the next year together. Just having fun and being amazing with each other. The relationship started off as us both simply being with our childhood sweethearts and later turned into love. The truth is that I fell in love her: she was not the first girl I had been with but she was the first I felt this way about.
She knew that I loved her (which I honestly think was the start of problems) and she loved me, although she hated saying it because she thought that love at this age doesn't make sense and she felt silly. Simply put, I loved her and the relationship was amazing until she started thinking about how serious this relationship was or was becoming.
End:
She started not wanting to hang out. The relationship went to fine to not fine in about a week. We broke up because she said she felt too comfortable in the relationship, too dependent on me for her happiness, and that her feelings for me had gone. The truth is that she realized I loved her and I think that scared her. I think she just wanted a fun relationship with someone she can love, but she doesn't want to fall in love and have that kind of relationship right now.
The problem is that a week after we broke up, we got together 4 times:
First time, we ended up having an amazing time and resulted in us sleeping together
Second time, was simply good.
Third time, went horrible. We went out with some friends, and one of them ran into their ex-gf and their situation mirrored our own but in a worse way which made things extremely awkward and tense between us
Fourth time, we had lots of fun and ended up seeming like we were going to end up back together.
Then she ignored me for three weeks, in which time she rebound with two different guys (not sexually, she just lead them on and went on dates with them for attention). One of these guys and I already hated one another so, I felt really hurt about that. Her and I tried to schedule dates to get together but she would always cancel or reschedule.
The final event was her and I talking. I gave her an ultimatium to simply let me know if we are going to try to work things out or not. After countless times of her rescheduling and saying variations of "maybe"... She said no. She said a lot of hurtful things about both me and the relationship (the kind of hurtful that not only hurts but breaks the trust in that person) she later said sorry and that she was just really upset. Now, we are finishing our final year and we don't talk, look, and go out of our way to avoid each other... I still have feelings for her though. The worst part is, I can tell she still has feelings too and she admits she does -- she just is afraid of trying because we both might get more hurt.
Long story short... Relationship was fun and amazing and we loved one another, but I fell IN love with her, she got scared by how serious it was getting and left me. The next couple months were essientially:
Break up and break my heart, lead me on, ignore me and hook up with other guys, and then break my heart again. At this point, I'm not sure I want to get back together -- after all that heart break and time. She's no longer the same, and I guess neither am I; I'm not sure if I want to get back together, but I can't stop loving her despite all of this.
I know I'm only 18 now, and I've got my life ahead of me. I don't think she was soul-mate or anything like that... It's simply that she was my first love, and I not only lost my girlfriend -- but I lost the first girlfriend I ever loved and I lost my bestfriend. There's no one I know that I'd rather be with, I've had other girls try to hook up with me but all I can ever think about is her and how I miss and for some silly reason still love her. She gave me the best year of my life.
I don't know what I'm asking of you guys. I think I really just needed to tell someone.
I guess I just want to know your thoughts? Or any advice to help me move on?
Or just someone to help me process this.
If you have any unanswered questions or need any clarification, just ask and I'll try to answer.
Thanks for listening (reading), and for helping.
