Simply cant get over this.
I don't know i never thought that i could be this way but i really don't know what to do anymore
It started when my, now ex broke up with me. I'm not overly experienced or anything im 19 and she was my third serious girlfriend, but it was never like this before, i used to have no problems recovering after a brake up (with in reason). Before it happened i had never cried (not since i was a toddler anyways), i don't know why but i had somehow thought she was the one, we weren't together very long, just over 2 months, but it was wonderful and somehow it felt like it was a very long time. when she did brake up with me i completely collapsed before her i cried all day and then some, terribly embarrassing for me as a guy, and that relapsed over and over and over again. Back then i weighed around 62kg, i weighed 48kg at one point after it happened because i just did not have any appetite for anything anymore. Lots of people ware telling me to go to the doctor to check if i had cancer or something because the change was so sudden, and profoundly visible. It is impossible to describe with word how bad i felt, i could not motivate myself to do anything anymore my grades slipped and i ended up giving up all my hobbys, everything i used to take pleasure in doing. I told myself it would pass but it did not. it did not get better at all until a very good friend of mine, taking growing concern in my really sorry state started coming over allot. shed talk to me about me, my ex, my life, the future, whatever, and it helped. talking to her allowed me to forget my ex at least for hours at a time. it was that way for about a month and then it became oblivious that she liked me more than just friends - i told myself that i love her to too, i tried to, i really did. I hoped that that would finally help me recover but its just impossible to to be together with someone if your just pretending shes some one else. I could not live that as a lie. It wasn't fair to her and it wasn't good for me either. i felt terrible telling her as, i never, ever wanted to hurt someone. she broke up with me immediately after me telling her, and we barely talked since, but that no longer hurts at all.
that was over a year ago
and my ex being gone still hurts like day one, I have contemplated suicide a billion times since then (not anymore that whent away with her comeing back ito my life). i never thought about that before, in fact i used to be incapable of understanding people that where suicidal, and im sorry for that to now. Then my ex started talking to me again, she hat been though a couple of bad relationships none of witch lasted more than a couple of days. and so we talked and started confiding in each other again. you know the thing with us is that we fit together miraculously and wed talk for hours increasingly frequently, spending allot of time together. i felt good again throughout this time period, even though she continued dating others. wed go out and do the same things we did when we where together (no not sex, kissing/ touching, i mean except that). one day, after we whent, she wasn't felling to well and she asked me if i could stay with her, so i did. well we ended up cuddling together... well that happened again several times with increasing, well, "close-ness".
till one day she flat out asked me if i still liked her. I knew, but i couldn't lie to her. i tolled her how much she means to me and she was goon. since then our interactions with each other have been at best superficial and are few and far between. i confronted her yesterday and asked her why she was behaving this way. she told me she just cant handle when someone actually likes her (she has a trubbeld history I know that) and that she doesn't want me to contact her anymore but that she dose want to speak to me again but and that she will contact me at some point.
I broke down again i just don't know what to to and i just cant go though all this again.
