I might have ruined this but I want to try to fix it
I have a male friend I've known for 6 years. We live about 4 hours apart, and work in the same field which is how we became friends. About 5 months ago, we started talking often, a few times a week, on video chat late into the night. I was obvious that we were interested in one another and it seemed like it was going really well. He asked me to come visit a few weeks ago, which I did and stayed for a week recently. The problem was, when I went I had just injured myself and was on meds that were making me feel very horrible and he got sick right before I arrived. We were sleeping in seperate rooms as we had never explicitly stated this was a relationship and because of how horrible I was feeling and him being sick things never really went anywhere. I tried to ignore how i was feeling and make an effort - which I did a couple times by sitting close to him, putting my hand on his back or arm, which he seemed to respond well to by moving cloer to me and he put his hand on my hip. But I kept feeling extremely awful from the pain and the meds and it made me feel very depressed and like the visit was a wash after the third day. I'm sure that didn't help things any. We had a semi nice evening for the two days before I had to leave, but still not what I had hoped. I feel like I put him off with the way I was feeling and it never recovered from this.
I also have issues with letting people be near me whom I care for. I was assaulted by an ex about 20 years ago - who was someone I had known since childhood - and this really upset and scared me and I honestly have not been in a relationship with anyone I cared for since then out of fear. I never told this guy about this incident though I wanted to a few times - I have only ever told three people about it, never filed charges or anything at all as I was so upset it paralyzed me at the time. Though i tried very hard, I feel like I put him off with the combination of my apprehension and the way I was feeling and I did not want to do that at all. When I was leaving he took me to the station, waited with me, got my bags situated gave me a hug, then gave me another one and a kiss and told me he wanted to know I got home safely so I should send him a mail when I did. I also gave him a tight hug, so he'd at least get from that action that I did want him near me and I did try to reach for his hand when I was about to board but I kind of fumbled that and ended up waving instead.
When I let him know I got back, he asked how things were here and I replied, asked him a couple things to which he replied and asked how I was feeling now as I went off the meds two days after I got back. When I responded to that I told him I was very sorry about how the visit went, that I felt awful about it and had been unintentionally horrible to him and I didn't mean to and I told him I'd like a do over so I could be better company to him. I honestly care for him a lot and I truly did enjoy having him around - I also told him I missed him in my first message to him. But I haven't heard back from him since I mentioned trying to come back and do that over and though I said it yesterday I'm extremely anxious about hearing from him. I really would like to just talk to him and tell him that I really do care about him, I didn't mean for it to go that way and I want to try to do it again, but I also want to let him know that I care about him as more than a firend while also explaining that I have issues with being with someone I care about due to my past experience. I'm not sure if I should send him another message today asking if he's around tonight to talk or if I should leave him alone for a few days. I know he's going to be away this weekend which is why I wanted to talk to him today, but I also don't want to seem neurotic, even though this situation is very upsetting for me
Basically, I don't know what to do now. I - briefly - apologized for the nature of the visit and told him I want to see him again. Is not hearning from him yet dire? I'm trying to figure out what he's feeling about this but because we haven't spoken since I got back Sunday night other than the brief messages I really don't know. I've ruined other potential relationships because of my issues and I do not want to do that again - especially since I do feel strongly about him, even though it probably didn't come off that way. Is asking him if he's around to chat today too much since I've not heard back from him? And how do I even broach the subject I want to talk about - how do I tell him I care about him and don't want to be just friends, that I have some issues that make it hard for me but I don't want that to come between us?
