Older man:Complex situation-Please share

Hi, all...I would love if I could receive some mature advice here. I have been seeing a man almost 30 years older than I for over 6 months. I knew him for a year before dating. I have been divorced for a year and did not date until I found this amazing man. He is the most loving person and more kind to me than anyone could be, I feel. I am connected to him on a spiritual level...even though he is soon to be divorced from his wife who lives away and is still seeing an emotionally wrecked woman in another state. He is great, but his situation is complex. He and I speak openly---he is slowly starting to let go of an abusive wife and a clingy woman turned lover. And I am here, no attatchments, loving him well. I have never felt secondary in this situation...I am the one woman here who knows all sides of it and the one who is here supporting him and caring for him. I just know that in the future, I must be the only one in his life or I will have to force myself to move past him. I hope we only come closer together. We both love the same and are able to feel eachother completely. Should I even consider being here any longer? Is love blind? Do I need to love him but not share intimacy with him? Please respond with any good advice. It will be appreciated! *Sasha*

Maybe your just attached to the natural nice old man aora around him lol. Old people are always nice. Anways..how old do you have to be for him to be 30 years older then you?..jeez. If your 15 then he will be 45...holy crap...but thats not the case because it would be disturbing...so what..is he in his 60's or something?

Sasha, I hope that "22" in your screen name is not your age, but I am afraid it is, so I will advise you accordingly.

I think you ought to be really careful about a 30 year age gap. Unless he has a very large problem with maturity, there is usually an inherent imbalance of power in this type of age gap. Men often like to have young women like you around to "mold" and to feed their egos, and let's face it: you are probably NOT privy to whatever issues his wife thinks he has, and believe me, I'm sure he has issues. We all do, and he probably has at least as many as his wife, else why would he be dating ANYONE (let alone a young girl) while he is still married?

This man obviously has experienced a lot more of life than you have. In all likelihood, he is probably as emotionally developed as he ever will be while your transformation to maturity is still occurring. There is a very real possibility you will outgrow him in the next 10 years or so.

Also, while he may still be sexually active at this age, let's face it: men DO experience a decline in interest/ability as they age, and you haven't even hit your sexual peak yet. Yes, there is Viagara, but not all men are willing to take it. Besides, it has lately been linked to blindness.

If this man is in his 50s, he probably has children, and I can't imagine they'd be receptive to daddy dating someone their age (or even younger). They can (and likely will) make your life a living hell. If you want children, you can probably forget it as most men in their 50s are thinking more about retirement than they are about starting over again.

This is probably only 10% of what I could tell you, but if I make this post too long, you probably won't read it all.

To sum it up, though, I think this is a very bad idea.

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Originally Posted by shh!

Sasha, I hope that "22" in your screen name is not your age, but I am afraid it is, so I will advise you accordingly.

I think you ought to be really careful about a 30 year age gap. Unless he has a very large problem with maturity, there is usually an inherent imbalance of power in this type of age gap. Men often like to have young women like you around to "mold" and to feed their egos, and let's face it: you are probably NOT privy to whatever issues his wife thinks he has, and believe me, I'm sure he has issues. We all do, and he probably has at least as many as his wife, else why would he be dating ANYONE (let alone a young girl) while he is still married?

This man obviously has experienced a lot more of life than you have. In all likelihood, he is probably as emotionally developed as he ever will be while your transformation to maturity is still occurring. There is a very real possibility you will outgrow him in the next 10 years or so.

Also, while he may still be sexually active at this age, let's face it: men DO experience a decline in interest/ability as they age, and you haven't even hit your sexual peak yet. Yes, there is Viagara, but not all men are willing to take it. Besides, it has lately been linked to blindness.

If this man is in his 50s, he probably has children, and I can't imagine they'd be receptive to daddy dating someone their age (or even younger). They can (and likely will) make your life a living hell. If you want children, you can probably forget it as most men in their 50s are thinking more about retirement than they are about starting over again.

This is probably only 10% of what I could tell you, but if I make this post too long, you probably won't read it all.

To sum it up, though, I think this is a very bad idea.

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I agree with shh!, there's way too many complications with something like this and I wouldn't recommend it.

More info is probably needed so that a lot of assumptions are not made, but as it stands and with my own assumptions, I too see it as a bad idea. 30 years just seems like too much of an age difference in any scenario..even if he lives to be 90, at 60 you'll still be good for another 20 years of good health while he..well, he's not going to make it to 90.

Even if he's very active and keeps healthy and fit, making him appear younger, I don't see this working out in the long run, is my biggest conclusion. Take it from there. Do you want to invest more time and energy into something that WILL NOT last the majority of your life, or would you rather just nip it now and, should a life partner be what you're searching for, get searching (or open up to opportunities) elsewhere.

30 years age gap?!?! geez that's a big one.

the two of you will probably have very different interests and goals. you're both at very different places in your lives. but who am i to say what works and what doesn't. different strokes you know?

also he's just getting divorced. i cannot see a man who has just divorced want to do it all over again. do you want kids? a family of your own? being connected on a spiritual level (whatever the hell that means) shouldn't be confused with love and the ability to demonstrate that he can love you.

and ALSO... i don't always believe men when they use the "my wife was an abusive ***** and jealous psycho" bit. there are always two sides to the story, always. and he's seeing somebody else who he says is the same way? why, if you just got divorced from a total psycho would you go out and date another one? i don't get it.

anyway, think about it. what do you want? a family? kids?

You know...

He'll keel over way before you do...

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay before you. does he have $$$ or what?

Thanks for your replies! So honest! :) He is 53 and extremely healthy, if you are wondering. And, no he is not wealthy but very successful. We are in the same profession. I do want a family some day...adn I know that the age difference is great. Right now, I truly know that I love him dearly. I also know that love, even romantic love and sexual attraction, does not always equal "relationship." So, I am trying to choose, I suppose, whether or not this situation is for me. Trust me, to some extent, because I am not his one and only...I have the freedom to choose to open up the possibilities. I would only do this, of course, if he and I were no longer seeing one another.

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Originally Posted by shh!

There is a very real possibility you will outgrow him in the next 10 years or so.

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LoL this made me think of Happy Gilmore when his ex g/f is dating an older guy and she's like "He has a 5 year plan" and Adam Sandler replies "What is it - don't die?"

haha

Anyways shh! gave some great advice you should consider, coming from another woman.

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Originally Posted by Tone

LoL this made me think of Happy Gilmore when his ex g/f is dating an older guy and she's like "He has a 5 year plan" and Adam Sandler replies "What is it - don't die?"

haha

Anyways shh! gave some great advice you should consider, coming from another woman.

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The movie is "Big Daddy", but at least it was an Adam Sandler movie you referred to.

Take nomas's counsel. Fast-forward into the future everything you imagine the relationship could be. That should tell you all you need to know about right now.

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Originally Posted by nomas

The movie is "Big Daddy", but at least it was an Adam Sandler movie you referred to.

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Oh yeah, my fault.