I feel as if when it comes to relationships, I have never been happy. Truly, I wonder if I ever will be. I mean, I suppose I am semi-involved (if it were to be called that) with someone who lives upstate, but even though we've talked about our status a lot, I'm left unsure and with a strange feeling in my head as if she doesn't share these feelings that I have. And now, I think I'm even a bit unsure about my own feelings, these feelings that I thought I was so sure about for so long.
She says she is waiting, but now I don't know for what reason. It's implied that it is for me, but maybe she's just waiting for someone worthwhile to come, and he just hasn't come along yet. As in, not necessarily me.
Sometimes I think it is my own paranoia about things that prevents this feeling of completeness and complete happiness. Sometimes, I think that no matter who I'm with, I'd wonder about someone else, a particular other girl. Sometimes I think that I just haven't found the right girl yet and everything will come together when she comes and I'll just know it.
In the end, I just end up feeling confused and unsatisfied with my situation, though a big part of me feels like I should be completely happy with what I have. Although I am grateful for what I have, I feel as if the hole inside my heart has never been larger in my life..
