Lack of Honesty during Sex
This is a very confusing situation right now.
I had written a long time ago that I was confused about my romantic situation. I was with a boyfriend Juan from Colombia for 2 1/2 years in Colombia. I missed my family and I had doubts about my relationship, so I returned to the states December 2010. Since then, I have kept in contact with my ex. I actually went to even visit him in Colombia this past summer. I have felt anxious about our relationship for several reasons (distance, difficulty getting Visa without getting married, job prospects, etc.), but the main reason was sex. I was not sexually satisfied in the relationship, and I blamed it on him and his size. Superficial, I know, but trust me, I don't like that it is important to me either. :( I'm just being honest about how I felt and it's difficult to tell the thoughts creeping in your brain to go away.
Since then, I have started dating another very nice man Mike in the United States. Just a couple weeks ago, I completely broke it off (even friendship) with my ex-boyfriend in Colombia (not facebook friends) because I felt like it was the right thing to do. We have been in the state of in-between for several months now ,and I felt like I needed to make a decision to be fair to him. Since then, I have been spending a lot of Mike and having a lot of great sex. :/ BUT I had an epiphany the other day when I realized most of the sex problems have been actually MY issue in not being honest. With Mike, I have been much more open with trying different positions, telling him if I like something, or don't like something, etc. It wasn't a problem with Juan's body, rather my own lack of candidness. Honesty can be difficult for me in the bedroom, but I realize that it is the ONLY way if I am to have a successful relationship. Sex is very important to me, so I guess with Juan we just got into a rut and I was not being creative or open. I faked enjoyment much much more than I like to admit and that really made me sometimes resent our sex time together even though I realize now that it was not his fault!
So, now I am thinking about Juan a lot.... Thinking this was my fault for messing up things between us, because I wasn't honest during sex.
My question for you is: should I break it off with Mike if I'm still having thoughts about Juan? It was in some ways liberating to understand my own lack of honesty, as weird as that sounds, because I feel like I understand myself better and will be a better partner in the future! I am definitely not planning to contact Juan again, because I think I need to live with my decision for at least a few months. It's not fair to him to do this "back and forth" with my feelings. But I don't feel like my heart is open right now with Mike... :( What is the right thing to do in this situation?