My girlfriend (and now fiance) of well over 10 years cheated on me 5 years ago

I have been with my girlfriend for well over 10 years now, we have been engaged for a while but neither of us have ever been in a rush to formalize anything with actual marriage. We have had long and very detailed talks about this so I know she definitely feels this way too.

My home network is configured to log all chat traffic (for my own chats rather than anything else) and over the Christmas break I was reviewing the logs to check on a discussion I had recently and noticed that there were some chats logged between my fiancé and another man that we both know that sounded a little suspicious. Not normally the jealous type I tried not to read anything into it.

Just before the new year she "went out shopping". On her return she showed me what she had "bought" (some clothes, nothing fancy) and left it at that. Later that evening when tidying i noticed the receipt for the item, and it was paid for using an Amex card. I deal with all our finances so checking receipts is not unusual. We only have visa and mastercard in the house so I questioned her about it, and after some denials, she finally admitted that it was a gift from this man. I then pushed her about the fact she had met up with him without telling me, and her exact relationship with him, and this is when the revelation came.

It turns out that 5 years ago, during a period where she wasn't feeling great about herself and following a rather argumentative Christmas she had read an article that suggested that long term relationships had a high probability of failure at the point we had reached at the time. At this point the man mentioned earlier (a colleague from a previous work place who she had kept in touch with, but nothing significant) started talking to her more often and asked if they could meet up for a drink. They met at his place, he made a move, and she claims she was so confused about us, and what was happening that she just went along with it and they ended up having sex. Apparently he took some pictures of the events too. Afterwards she figured that was it. Shed screwed it all up and assumed that i would find out and end everything.

This happened a total of 4 times over the course of a year (basically every few months), and hasn't happened since. She has spoken to him, and met up a couple of times after this happened, and he has tried it on again too, but not pushed it. She claims she has tried to refuse his advances, and end it, but that she didn't want to deny him out-right in case he used the photos as blackmail or something. They have met up a few times since then, only to talk, although he apparently tried it on a bit every time, but didn't push it.

We have talked in detail about what happened, but as it was over 5 years ago now, its difficult to remember everything exactly. I think i understand how it all happened, but she is still struggling with why it happened and more importantly why she let it go as far as sex.

She claims she had some feelings for him at the time, but there is nothing there now. I want to believe that but its hard when she has basically lied to me for 5 years (over a 3rd of our relationship).

What should I do?

dump her. she cheated on you numerous times and kept it from you all these years! what kind of a decent person can sleep at night knowing they did something like that? and she only admitted to it when you caught her red-handed, showing that she has no signs of guilt or remorse. since she lied to you about this, how can you believe anything she says from this point on? or anything she has said in the past? you deserve better. do you really want to make as big of a commitment as marriage to someone like this?

and why did he take pictures and keep them all these years? ****ing weird

You're dwelling on this 5 years later. It means you'll probably never be over it. The relationship will need to end as this scar will never go away.

Im not dwelling on this 5 years later. I only found out about it a couple of weeks ago. The sex happened 5 years ago.

She can't be trusted. What if some other guy came along and she got confused again? Sex again? You'll never know because she can hide it for years at a time. It's not too late... Break it off. It will only hurt more later if you don't.

She didnt hide it for years at a time though. Well she did, but not that well.

Over the years, and even at the time when it happened, there were some tell-tale signs that made me wonder. I chose not to persue them as I didnt want to end up in a big fight about nothing. Mountains out of mole hills etc. I also didnt believe that she was even slightly capable of doing something like that, so I dismissed it as paranoia.

Looking back over what happened and the "clues", if anything like it happened again now, that would be it... I would know exactly what was happening immediately.

I know you are hurt and shocked and upset, and you still love her, but this is a really bad thing. she took your trust and violated it. she had sex with someone else when she was in a relationship with you and kept it from you. why would you want to be with somebody like that? don't you want to marry someone you can trust and depend on? now anytime she goes out or isn't with you you're going to be wondering if she's cheating or what she's really doing as opposed to what she says she is. I just don't see how you could go on with your relationship knowing this information, unless you wanted to try to work it out through counseling or something. but since it happened more than once, it seems like something she wanted to do and didn't feel bad doing. and this guy is still buying her gifts... how do you know she's not still banging him now?

It is a valid point. I dont know if shes still banging him.

That said, we have had some very in-depth discussions about what happened, and the feelings surrounding it, and she claims to feel none of that anymore. From the level of detail, and how accurately things tie up to things i know are true, I believe she is telling the truth about everything she said. So equally I want to believe her claims of what she feels.

She is completely aware of what she has done, and how its affected our relationship. To the point that she is willing to give up her right to privacy on anything in order to get my trust back (emails, phone calls, text messages, etc). She is willing to check in at set times, and always have her phone on her (and answer if i call it), and limit her exposure to "other men". Ultimately she wants to do *anything* to save the relationship. If she really wasnt happy with us, and wanted someone else, I dont think that would be the case.

I am fully aware that a truly devious person could circumvent everything I listed here... and that is a risk, but despite whats happened I dont believe she is that person. She wasnt really going out of her way to hide anything, so much as just didnt tell me about it.

But as you say, there is no way to 100% know what she is up to, or how she is really feeling, that requires trust which she has obliterated, and i guess that is the crux of the problem. I dont know if I want to build that back up. If i *can* build it back up. Or if I will spend the rest of our time together thinking "is she looking elsewhere...".

I know I dont want to lose what we have.... had... over 10 years of it.... but equally... this isnt an insignificant problem to get over.

it is really up to you, I know these kind of things are hard but if it were me, I don't think I would ever be able to 100% fully trust the other person. I would also feel so hurt that instead of coming to me and talking about why she felt confused or lost, she decided to go have sex with another man numerous times. it definitely isn't a little insignificant problem to get over. you just need to think about what has happened and whether you can live with what she did to you

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Originally Posted by MrMcBobski [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

She wasnt really going out of her way to hide anything, so much as just didnt tell me about it.

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that is still hiding something... a very big something. in fact, I don't understand how someone can do something like that and just not tell the other person or even feel bad about it. I'm just a different type of person, I guess. I couldn't bring myself to cheat, but if for some crazy reason I did, I don't know how I would be able to sleep next to my boyfriend or even look him in the eyes without feeling an insane amount of guilt. that says a lot about her character in my opinion.

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Originally Posted by ashley89 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I would also feel so hurt that instead of coming to me and talking about why she felt confused or lost, she decided to go have sex with another man numerous times.

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This is very true, and I do feel this is probably the biggest thing that I have a problem with. We have talked very openly about this though, and I think we are getting down to "why" everything happened, although we aren't there yet.

I think I may have been responsible for her feelings at the time, even though she says that wasn't the case, I know I wasn't the greatest BF back then. Things have changed significantly since then though.

So u weren't the best bf then and that made her seek out sex from someone else. Now you hear this news, what the hell kinda bf do u think you will be after this emotional trauma? Roses and chocolates everyday? Sweet romantic nothing's in her ear type of bf? No. It's probably going to make u a "worse kinda bf" due to human nature of knowing about her betrayal. Then who's to say she won't cheat again because you've emotionally neglected her again and there's no roses and chocolates and wine every night.

"Why" it happened is irrelevant. What you need to look at now, is how it's going to affect the rest of your lives together. Are you ever going to be able to trust her again? Is she ever again going to be able to walk out the door on an errand without you getting suspicious? Are you ever going to be able to let go of that anger and resentment?

Frankly, I think your relationship is over, whether you know it yet or not.

Oh yeah, and if 4 years later he's meeting her and buying her clothes... I'd put money on the fact that he's still ****ing her.

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Originally Posted by MrMcBobski [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think I may have been responsible for her feelings at the time, even though she says that wasn't the case, I know I wasn't the greatest BF back then. Things have changed significantly since then though.

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there's still no excuse for cheating on someone... if you weren't the greatest boyfriend she should still have talked about it with you, or dumped you. instead she went out, cheated on you and then kept it from you. that's messed up no matter what way you look at it. don't keep making excuses for her, she is the one who did something wrong, not you

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Originally Posted by bcgirl [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So u weren't the best bf then and that made her seek out sex from someone else. Now you hear this news, what the hell kinda bf do u think you will be after this emotional trauma? Roses and chocolates everyday? Sweet romantic nothing's in her ear type of bf? No. It's probably going to make u a "worse kinda bf" due to human nature of knowing about her betrayal. Then who's to say she won't cheat again because you've emotionally neglected her again and there's no roses and chocolates and wine every night.

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It is a fair point. However when I say "I wasnt the best BF" I really mean we both played a part in causing our relationship to stagnate. My role in the problems basically came down to ignoring her a lot of the time. We spent time in the same room, but we didnt really interact. Just her playing games on her computer, and me watching the TV and surfing the net. We rarely went anywhere, and basically we just "existed" together. Nothing more. But I wasnt totally at fault. We had a general lack of communication so problems like this never got discussed before they escalated.

At the time, I was probably "looking" elsewhere too, although I dont think i would have ever actually gone through with it (but who knows, what if the situation presented itself?) so looking back on it, this isn't a total surprise.

Over the years since then, our relationship has improved significantly (even though there have been ups and downs) and I dont believe that we are anywhere near where we were back then. This situation is obviously a significant setback in our relationship, but after the talks we have had over the last few weeks, discussing this, our past, our future, our feelings, and everything in microscopic detail, I believe we are in a position to proceed with a far stronger relationship than before.

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Originally Posted by HeartIsAching [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Oh yeah, and if 4 years later he's meeting her and buying her clothes... I'd put money on the fact that he's still ****ing her.

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They have talked online for the past few years, on and off. I read all their chat logs (without her knowing I could, so they were raw, and unaltered), so I understand the nature of their relationship in the time after the actual sex. Since the sex, there have only been two times they have met up, once this past xmas and once before. This appears to be backed up by chatlogs, text messages, and phone logs (from the phone provider, not just on the phone). Obviously I cannot be sure they didnt have sex, but as mentioned above, I believe from other factors that she no longer feels anything for him more than a normal friend.

And yes he bought her "clothes" but it really wasn't a sexy gift. They talked about a new fitness regime she is on, and then they moved on to talking about xmas, so when he asked about what she wanted, she said needed some new sweatpants. He might have bought them with the intention of buying her affections but I think that was entirely one sided now.

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Originally Posted by ashley89 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

there's still no excuse for cheating on someone... if you weren't the greatest boyfriend she should still have talked about it with you, or dumped you. instead she went out, cheated on you and then kept it from you. that's messed up no matter what way you look at it. don't keep making excuses for her, she is the one who did something wrong, not you

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It is no excuse. I know that. It is, however, a reason, or a cause. We have talked at length about why she didnt come to me, and I understand that much, but she is the one who f***ed up here. I know it. She sure as hell knows it.

That said, I believe in giving people second chances. But not 3rd. She has stated she is willing to give up most of her privacy, for now, in order to regain my trust. She has broken off all communication with him, and he has confirmed he will never contact her again either. She has stated that she has no feelings for him and has zero desire to look at anyone else or risk our relationship further. I may not completely trust her at the moment, but I do believe that.

it seems like you have your mind made up that you still want to be with her for whatever reason. to me it's completely obvious that you should dump her and move on. of course it's a hard thing to do because you've been together 10 years and she is such a big part of your life but I wouldn't be able to trust her again. and I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with someone like that.

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Originally Posted by ashley89 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

it seems like you have your mind made up that you still want to be with her for whatever reason. to me it's completely obvious that you should dump her and move on. of course it's a hard thing to do because you've been together 10 years and she is such a big part of your life but I wouldn't be able to trust her again. and I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with someone like that.

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Want to stay with her? Yes.

Will I? That much is still uncertain. For now I intend to try, and she appears to be committed to helping us both get through this. I hope that we can manage to get through this together.

It sounds like you are giving the whole situation a lot of excuses. You conjure up in your mind that you are a lot to blame for her infidelity. Much like how a battered wife blames herself for getting beaten by her husband like she deserved it. Blaming yourself is a natural defense mechanism we as humans do so it doesn't hurt so much when we are really faced with the brutal reality. The reality is that your fiancé betrayed you. She had a choice and she chose to cheat. She chose to cheat on YOU.

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It is a fair point. However when I say "I wasnt the best BF" I really mean we both played a part in causing our relationship to stagnate. My role in the problems basically came down to ignoring her a lot of the time. We spent time in the same room, but we didnt really interact. Just her playing games on her computer, and me watching the TV and surfing the net. We rarely went anywhere, and basically we just "existed" together. Nothing more. But I wasnt totally at fault. We had a general lack of communication so problems like this never got discussed before they escalated.

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You just described many long term marriages.

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At the time, I was probably "looking" elsewhere too, although I dont think i would have ever actually gone through with it (but who knows, what if the situation presented itself?) so looking back on it, this isn't a total surprise.

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But the huge difference is that you never cheated. She did. In hindsight you could say that perhaps you would have cheated, but Even put in a situation where cheating could happen, it's still hard for many to ever cross that line. It's one thing to fantasize about it, and another to actually act upon it.

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Originally Posted by MrMcBobski [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Will I? That much is still uncertain. For now I intend to try, and she appears to be committed to helping us both get through this. I hope that we can manage to get through this together.

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of course she's acting like that now... she just got caught red handed. she's going to be on her best behavior for awhile so she can "prove" to you that she's not doing anything wrong and make you think everything is perfect and happy. once that goes on a few months and things settle back down to "normal", it will be the same scenario; maybe not with this same guy but perhaps another one. most of the time the phrase about cheaters is true: once a cheater, always a cheater. since it wasn't just one time or some accident which still wouldn't be excusable, it shows that she willingly decided to take part in this knowing she was with you. and I guarantee you that once she has played nice for a few months, it will happen again. if you can go along with that and accept it then best of luck. you just seem too decent/kind/caring and deserve better in my opinion

Simple.Just let her go if where she will be happy, I understand how your feelings in that situation. I know it really hurts. but it's too much pain caused for you to keep that girl who is playing safe for many years in your relationship. She's not deserving to your love. How could she do such things to ruin relationship with you for more than years. That's a waste of time for you. I'm really sorry to hear bout your Love story. Just move on. There are still a lot of girls who deserving your Love. I've learned from your story is. Love doesn't matter in years.

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Originally Posted by bcgirl [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You just described many long term marriages.

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That doesnt make it a good thing.

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Originally Posted by bcgirl [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

But the huge difference is that you never cheated. She did. In hindsight you could say that perhaps you would have cheated, but Even put in a situation where cheating could happen, it's still hard for many to ever cross that line. It's one thing to fantasize about it, and another to actually act upon it.

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I am aware of that. I am not using it as an excuse. I am using it to try to understand why and how it all happened.

i think you and her should join forces and go meet this guy together. if shes telling truth and wants it all over and finished then she will be happy for this to happen. so what if the pics get out?? deal with it. at least then you both know hes out your lives
i wouldnt let someone blackmail me with the threat of dirty pics.

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That doesnt make it a good thing.

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No it doesn't, that's why more than 50% of marriages end in divorce and the other half of those that don't are unhappily married. Why get married when it looks like your relationship will end in that statistic before it even starts?

As far as trying to understand why a cheater cheats may be something you will never know the truth to. The only times a cheater will reveal the truth is if they truly felt remorse and such guilt that it eats away at their conscious and they need to come clean. The fact that she kept it a secret for 5 years with every opportunity to tell you yet she didn't shows a lack of remorse. Sure she may show it now that's she's been caught. Much like how criminals sitting in jail wished they haven't ever did their crime and show remorse after they are locked up, yet it doesn't explain what evil drive was in them to rape those young boys. Thing is that it really takes a certain character to cheat. It really takes a shady character to commit a crime and be sent to jail. The rehabilitation system sucks cause more times than not that criminal that gets released goes out and commits the same heinous crimes. Your fiancé has a real good chance of cheating on you again. This time she won't be so stupid to leave receipts behind and her chat logs up.
I say this cuz I've been in your finances shoes.

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Originally Posted by bcgirl [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

No it doesn't, that's why more than 50% of marriages end in divorce and the other half of those that don't are unhappily married. Why get married when it looks like your relationship will end in that statistic before it even starts?

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Surely the point is that they end up like that because they dont recognise the signs and just keep on truckin'.

This whole situation has brought things to the forefront, and given us a reason to discuss them, and hopefully correct them.

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Originally Posted by bcgirl [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

The fact that she kept it a secret for 5 years with every opportunity to tell you yet she didn't shows a lack of remorse.

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She is exceptionally weak willed, cowardly, and non-assertive. She will almost always acquiesce to any request made of her, even if that means she is put at a disadvantage. It is something that she has identified, and wishes to improve on, but shes still quite a way off. Ultimately I think this, combined with a degree of depression, and a horny male colleague, was the ultimate cause of this whole debacle. While I am aware it sounds like I am defending her actions, and making excuses for her, I am really just explaining what I know from experience outside of this.

She claims that she didnt want to tell me because she didnt want to end our relationship. She knew it almost certainly would. Being the coward that she is, she chose not to say anything, bury it, and forget it ever happened. All the subsequent chats that she has had with him since the event have been initiated by him. She didnt hide any of them, and regularly gave me access to her email for other reasons. I just failed to spot them, or understand what they meant.

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Originally Posted by bcgirl [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

This time she won't be so stupid to leave receipts behind and her chat logs up.

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I am well aware that is a very real possibility. However I think comments like these are imbuing her with more malice and forethought than she is capable of. I am still struggling with the fact that she is / was not the person who i thought she was, but despite that I she simply isnt capable of that level of deviousness. All the evidence suggests she lied to be through inaction, not through active deliberate deception.

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Originally Posted by MrMcBobski [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Surely the point is that they end up like that because they dont recognise the signs and just keep on truckin'.

This whole situation has brought things to the forefront, and given us a reason to discuss them, and hopefully correct them.

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Surely you're kidding.

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Originally Posted by MrMcBobski [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

She is exceptionally weak willed, cowardly, and non-assertive. She will almost always acquiesce to any request made of her, even if that means she is put at a disadvantage. It is something that she has identified, and wishes to improve on, but shes still quite a way off. Ultimately I think this, combined with a degree of depression, and a horny male colleague, was the ultimate cause of this whole debacle.

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Horse-hockey. My wife's the same way, and there's no way in hell she'd ever **** anyone else, at least not without telling me first. You ARE making excuses for her.

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This whole situation has brought things to the forefront, and given us a reason to discuss them, and hopefully correct them.

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It is very important to have great communication throughout a relationship. It's also true that many marriages fail or unhappy due to a lack of good communication. However, something such as infidelity doesn't just magically get swept under the rug because both decided to "understand" each other more or communicate better. Statistically those relationships that have dealt with trying to work things out after a betrayal of infidelity will more likely than not end in a break up. Even those that spend time in counselling sessions to help "work things out" more times than not end in break up. We as humans aren't that simple. We have feelings and emotions and are very complex. You may be okay now but one day months or year down the road it can hit you like a ton of bricks. We hold grudges and harbour jealousy and resentment that isn't like a light switch you can turn off. Some days are good, other days are bad. If you are one of the few that's able to come out of it stronger and happier than before, that's terrific. But that would mean letting go of ALL that natural human negative feelings and move forward. That would also mean she would have to intensively work on herself to change (this is nearly an impossible task for most). It would mean dealing with years upon years of learning bad habits and ways of thinking. Things like this definitely doesn't happen over night. Her naturally weak willed, non-assertive, cowardly character definitely plays a huge part in her cheating. How is she going to turn these characteristics around? These characteristics most likely has been with her since childhood (that's a lot of flippin years) and most likely are due to how she was raised and brought up at home from her family dynamics or parents marriage.
I would say the first step would be to go to some sort of therapy together because coming out stronger and happier out of this needs as much help as possible. The term once a cheater always a cheater is a popular phrase because most ppl won't ever change. Cheating is due to some negative characteristic such as the ones you quoted about your gf. It's a lot more work for a person to work on years upon years of undoing bad habits and understanding why you behave a certain why and how to correct them, than it is to just keep on trucking. It's like an 400 pound obese person actually going and getting fit to 150 pounds. It happens, but rare. Those that accomplish it haven't got there without a huge battle, sweat and tears.

I feel as though some people come on here, give their story, ask us what to do, and then when they hear what they should do, they turn it around and start defending the other person and making excuses. Bobski, everyone here who has responded has said that what your girlfriend has done is completely wrong and inexcusable. you may believe things are going to change or she won't do it anymore, but this is highly doubtful seeing as she has lied and kept this a secret to you for this long. even though she now says she won't do it anymore, the truth is the trust is gone and she is probably only sorry she got caught, not that she actually did something wrong. if you truly believe she will change and things will work out then that is your choice, go try to work it out and I really wish you the best since you seem like a decent loving guy. but don't ask for advice and then argue back with everyone who is trying to help you. you are the one who asked "what should I do" and we are telling you what we think you should do, that's all. pretty much take it or leave it cause at this point the thread is going around in one big circle.

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Originally Posted by ashley89 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I feel as though some people come on here, give their story, ask us what to do, and then when they hear what they should do, they turn it around and start defending the other person and making excuses.

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True. A lot of people come here wanting to get their opinion validated, rather than to honestly get opinions. Then they get all bent out of shape when nobody agrees with them.

exactly! I think they come on wanting people to say what they want to hear, and when they don't get that they get defensive. a lot of times it's just denying the truth, they probably don't want to face what they know they really should do

I have posted this same question in several forums around the net. My intention when posting wasn't to validate my opinion, but to gather suggestions of options. There is always more than one way to deal with any situation, and the same applies here.

Currently I am unsure how to proceed and I value peoples suggestions as to where i should go from here. I understand that the main opinion is to dump her, and thats a valid and possible option, but I would like to know all of my options before just simply ending a relationship that has essentially lasted the better part of my entire adult life to date.

Im sorry if it comes across as me defending her, because I am not trying to do that. I am just expanding on points as people post responses based on my current understanding of the situation. I dont think I have explained a lot of the information as clearly as I could have which makes it difficult for you to properly understand our exact situation. I know a lot of that doesnt matter in the grand scheme of things because she lied and cheated and ultimately thats what is important here, but currently I dont feel like that is completely fatal for our relationship, at least not yet, but I cant tell you why thats the case. That said, at the moment my feelings are subject to change on a daily basis so who knows.

I went through something comparable in 2011. She had a brief fling, realized that the guy was an abusive control freak, and tried to end it. He stalked her and blackmailed her into continuing to see him. He eventually decided to confront me and tell me some lies to try to get me to go away. She and I are still together, but only because:

1. She stopped cheating.
2. She stopped talking to the other guy.
3. She convinced me that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me.
4. She pushed me to sleep with other women for a while, so that we would be "even."
5. I decided to truly forgive her and get over it.

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Originally Posted by MrMcBobski [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I have posted this same question in several forums around the net. My intention when posting wasn't to validate my opinion, but to gather suggestions of options. There is always more than one way to deal with any situation, and the same applies here.

Currently I am unsure how to proceed and I value peoples suggestions as to where i should go from here. I understand that the main opinion is to dump her, and thats a valid and possible option, but I would like to know all of my options before just simply ending a relationship that has essentially lasted the better part of my entire adult life to date.

Im sorry if it comes across as me defending her, because I am not trying to do that. I am just expanding on points as people post responses based on my current understanding of the situation. I dont think I have explained a lot of the information as clearly as I could have which makes it difficult for you to properly understand our exact situation. I know a lot of that doesnt matter in the grand scheme of things because she lied and cheated and ultimately thats what is important here, but currently I dont feel like that is completely fatal for our relationship, at least not yet, but I cant tell you why thats the case. That said, at the moment my feelings are subject to change on a daily basis so who knows.

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Well only time can tell. This just happened so you are confused and in shock. Your emotions and thoughts about her will be like a roller coaster ride. Although she fu(ked him 5 years ago, why is he still buying her clothes? A guy doesn't buy clothing to a girl who dumped him 5 yrs ago and tells him to stay away. And if she truly felt guilt, why does she decide to hang out with him while he buys her clothes? It doesn't add up here and only points to the fact that she could very well still be cheating.

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Originally Posted by MrMcBobski [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I have posted this same question in several forums around the net. My intention when posting wasn't to validate my opinion, but to gather suggestions of options. There is always more than one way to deal with any situation, and the same applies here.

Currently I am unsure how to proceed and I value peoples suggestions as to where i should go from here. I understand that the main opinion is to dump her, and thats a valid and possible option, but I would like to know all of my options before just simply ending a relationship that has essentially lasted the better part of my entire adult life to date.

Im sorry if it comes across as me defending her, because I am not trying to do that. I am just expanding on points as people post responses based on my current understanding of the situation. I dont think I have explained a lot of the information as clearly as I could have which makes it difficult for you to properly understand our exact situation. I know a lot of that doesnt matter in the grand scheme of things because she lied and cheated and ultimately thats what is important here, but currently I dont feel like that is completely fatal for our relationship, at least not yet, but I cant tell you why thats the case. That said, at the moment my feelings are subject to change on a daily basis so who knows.

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Well only time can tell. This just happened so you are confused and in shock. Your emotions and thoughts about her will be like a roller coaster ride. Although she fu(ked him 5 years ago, why is he still buying her clothes? A guy doesn't buy clothing to a girl who dumped him 5 yrs ago and tells him to stay away. And if she truly felt guilt, why does she decide to hang out with him while he buys her clothes? It doesn't add up here and only points to the fact that she could very well still be cheating.

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Originally Posted by VincenzoG91 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I went through something comparable in 2011. She had a brief fling, realized that the guy was an abusive control freak, and tried to end it. He stalked her and blackmailed her into continuing to see him. He eventually decided to confront me and tell me some lies to try to get me to go away. She and I are still together, but only because:

1. She stopped cheating.
2. She stopped talking to the other guy.
3. She convinced me that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me.
4. She pushed me to sleep with other women for a while, so that we would be "even."
5. I decided to truly forgive her and get over it.

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She has stated categorically that she has cut all ties with him. Deleted emails/chats/phone numbers etc. He has also done the same.
She has agreed to destroy all gifts she has received from him (in a fire as a symbolic gesture).
She has stated that she has zero feelings for him any more.
She has been very convincing when telling me that she doesnt want to do anything to jeopardise our relationship ever again, and spend the rest of her life with only me. Even if we dont ever get married.
We did discuss the possibility of me seeing someone to even the score. I am not sure if I feel I could go through with it. But it has been discussed.
I want to try to forgive her. But that will take time.

We are, however, still discussing this, and still digging up finer details as she remembers them, and I am still waiting for the other man to reply to a few questions I asked him, so there is a chance this could change direction significantly. I dont want to dump her, hence me asking for options, but if something significant arises from that, my emotions may leave me no choice.

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Originally Posted by bcgirl [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well only time can tell. This just happened so you are confused and in shock. Your emotions and thoughts about her will be like a roller coaster ride. Although she fu(ked him 5 years ago, why is he still buying her clothes? A guy doesn't buy clothing to a girl who dumped him 5 yrs ago and tells him to stay away. And if she truly felt guilt, why does she decide to hang out with him while he buys her clothes? It doesn't add up here and only points to the fact that she could very well still be cheating.

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Again, not trying to defend her actions, and you could well be correct about something still going on, but there is a bit of a misunderstanding over the details as I see them at the moment. To be fair, this could all be total BS, but as I said, the level of detail and the fact that some of it is verifiably accurate, makes me think its not.

As I understand it they had sex 5 years ago, then for whatever reason it ended. I believe from talking to her, and a brief chat with him, that they both realised that the sex was a mistake. I dont think she told him to "stay away", but they just didnt talk for a while and then he re-established contact to chat. They have kept in touch infrequently since then as friends. Nothing more. I believe the recent gift may have been an attempt by him to resurrect something, but she blocked his physical advances when they met, and kept the meeting as just a chat. Lastly, there was no "hanging out while he buys clothes". He bought it and gave it to her as a gift when they met.

Well lets here what the other guy has to say back. There is always two sides to every story and then there is the truth. It's too bad you have to endure this situation. You probably won't get a lot of ppl that have cheating responding to you but a vast amount who come on these sorts of forums are those that have been cheated. Like I stated I've been where your gf has been. In order to fully know that there is zero contact involved between them is to look through her phone (of course if she is smart she would delete all traces of texts) but she may have his name saved under a girls name..same goes for emails/chat. They are saved under alias so she can easily say "you have All access to my computer and phone).
I don't doubt she is upset about the whole situation and wants to work things out. But she won't change in the long term if she doesn't fix all the emotional negative characteristics that have made her cheat in the first place

Also based on the bits and pieces of info, I do not think she is that emotionally attached to this other man. I think she strings him along more of a booty call type. When she feels low or not fully satisfied in your relationship she will turn to him to get her ego stroked. He is merely a throw away next to you...but he may have more feelings towards her than she does to him. This doesn't justify her behaviour though. This type if cheating is one of the most dangerous types and are common traits among serial cheaters.

Dude, you're a ****ing idiot. Marry this dumb bitch, so she can **** everyone and then take half your money. You deserve it for being a ****ing moron.