Broken heart,Love or just plain Stupiness?
Hey Guys,
This is my first post on this forum and its a long one so I really do appologise in advance, and thank anyone who makes it to the end!!
To be honest Im not really sure why Im going to be pouring my heart out to strangers, who probably all have their own problems that they are trying to deal with. I guess Im just hope that if I finally say what Im really feeling, and what I really think about the past 6 year, that it may clear things up for me, failing that I hopeing one of you lovely people will hold the answers for me.
My story begins back in early 2002 when I was a young,happy go lucky 18 year old without a care in the world. I was one of these strong and very independate types, and I loved who I was. I had a very close knit group of friends who I speant nearly all of my spare time with. I had been in relationships before that point, but never anything really to serious, I was waiting out for *Craig, the love of my life.
Sunday 7th April started off like any other sunday, my friends and I all tried to cure our hangovers and soak up the previous nights hang over before getting ready to start again that evening. Sunday nights entertainment at our local pub had turned into a tradition for my friends and I, every week without fail we would be sat in the same place, drinking the same drink. This particular sunday a lad who for the sake of the story Ill call *Sam came with us. Half wat through the evening, Sam asked if he could talk to me outside. I folowed him, and stood there watching him as he nervously tried to get out his words. Eventually he said "I really like you" I was a little stunned by this, I had no idea he thought of me in that way, I had certainly never thought of him as anyting other than a friend, that was untill I looked at him that night, waiting nervously for a reply, I really looked at him and for the first time saw how stunning this guy was. I looked deep in to his beautiful grey eyes and said "I like you too".
After a few minutes of us both standing there, not knowing what to say next, we went back in. It seems my friends already knew what Sam was going to ask me, so we returned into a room with 5 faces staring at us egarly awaiting any news we may have. Of course at that moment in time, we didnt have any really as we both just stood in scilence not knowing what to say. As the evening was coming to an end, Sam took me outside again. I can remember every tiny detail. It was a painfully cold eveing, there was not a cloud in the sky, you could see your breath when talking and breathing. Sam was wearing blue jueans, white trainers a white USA hoody and a brown coat that had a small tare on the back of it. He pulled me towards him and kissed me, I had been eating pork scratchings, he laughed and said when ever he would taste pork scratching from that moment on, they would remind him of me, that night ad our first kiss. And so began the ups and downs, the laughter and the tears, the best and worst times of my life.
Now Im not going to continue this thread in so much detail as above, I will say that the next 18 months of our relationship was magical, it was everything I had ever imagined a relationship to be. I never thought it would be possible for me to love somebody as much as I loved this man. He made me feel like I was the only woman in the universe, I never felt as safe or as relaxed or happy as I did while laying in his arms, none of us needing to talk, both just lay there enjoying the comfortable scilence always knowing what the other was thinking or feeling. Yes it was pure bliss, and I never wanted it to end.
Sam started to change though in November 2003, he would say that he wasnt coming round or out, and he didnt want me to go round his as he was tired and just wanted to chill. I was fine with this, we all need our space at times dont we, however I tried to call him one night he had told me this. I got no answer on his mobile, I range his house phone. His mom said that he wasnt in, he had been out for hours and he had told her he was with me. I kept ringing him and eventually he answered, he was out at some pub somewhere, he shouted at me saying that he would just like to go out with his friends for a change. Now going out with his friends I had no problem with, it was the lying I couldnt stand. This went on like this for a while, even on my birthday, after having a row and him storming off saying he was going home because he wanted to be alone, I rang him only to find out he was infact at a pub! This time though I could hear a girls voice in the back ground. When I asked him who she was he flipped, screamed down the phone at me that all he wants to do is go out with his friends without me ringing every 5 mins then he hung up. I had this huge feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. Anyway to cut an even longer story much shorter, it turns out this girl was a younger sister of an old school friend of his, she was just 15 years old, we by this point had turned 20. He says nothing had happened between them but he had been concidering finishing with me for her. When I heard those words, I felt a pain in my chest I had never felt before, I could hardly breath. Anyway rightly or wrongly I decided that I would stay with him.
Things started to go really well with us again, I just forgot about this other girl, I wasnt going to let it turn me into a wreck. I moved in with Sam and his mother. Once again life was good, and was sweet between Sam and I. That was untill October of 2004, he had changed completley again, going out wothout me, staying out untill all hours clubbing and drinking (he had never drank alcohol or gone drinking the whole time we had been together), he had his hair cut into a completely different style that seemed to bring with is a side serving of arrogance. Once again I learn that some other girl is involved, but once again Im told nothing is going on, Im told that its all in my head, Im being paranoid and stupid. Then one sat I woke up for work, in bed alone which by now had become the norm, Sam was asleep on the sofa, he woke when he heard me, and calmly as anything said "this isnt working, I dont want this anymore" and went up to bed. I returned home to my fathers, broken hearted and in a deep depression. He started seeing this other girl the day after we split up. To this day Im sure he was seeing her while we where together. I missed him so much, I needed him, loved him and had to have him. So call me stupid for racing off to him when he text me 2 weeks later saying he had been a fool and he wanted to see me!!
The next 3 years where great, we got engaged, purchased our first house, got 2 puppies and 3 cats. It was perfect. We even started trying for a family in January 2007. The summer of that year was the best ever, long lazy days spent in our garden, walking our dogs over the marsh, ice cold drinks sat outside a pub. I have honestly never been as happy as I was at that point in my life. Now im not going to lie and say it was a perfect arguement free relationship for those 3 years, it wasnt, after everything that had happened, I had insecurities that I had to deal with that sometimes made an appearence. But for 98% of the time it was brilliant. Then in october 2007 it all went wrong again, Sam left his job because "he didnt like it" we fell behind on bills, I wasnt earning enough to be able to pay the whole lot and he hadnt got another job. The arguements started again, he started disapearing for days on end, ignoring my texts and calls, not telling me where he was going or where he had been. By January 2008 he had got a little part time job as a barman at a local night club, I had my suspicions about a girl he worked with. Turns out I was right to have them and in March last year I found out that he had been cheating on me. I ended the relationship instantly, even when he was begging me, denying that anything had happened between him and this girl, i remained strong and stuck with my decission. I knew this girl from school, I was so shocked. She knew that he had a fiance and yet she still did it, how could she? Not only did she know about me, she also had a fiance of her own waiting for her at home.
My house was repossed, my animals rehomed, my soul and life crushed. My soulmate had turned into the worst thing that ever happened to me. He told so many lies after we split up, he told people I was a phsyco and paranoid, physco - no, paranoid - yes but only because he made me that way. Many nasty things have been said these last 14 months, he had deliberatley hurt me at times, and I him.
Why have I come on here and told you all of this? I think, even after everything, all the heart ache, lies, and cheating that I still love him. Crazy eh? I think about him daily, sometimes I just want to ring him, scream at him down the phone
"I LOVE YOU SO MUCH"
and go and run into his arms. The thought of him with other girls breaks my heart all over again.
Other times I hate him, and cant even bear the sound of his name.
Oh I dont know, I really am so confused and struggeling to get on with my life.
If you are till with me and managed to read this far, thankyou so much. Please please offer me your advise and opinions, I really have to try and get my life back on track again one way or another.
Feel free to ask anything if you feel ive missed anything out.
Thanks in advance for any replies.
xx
