I Was Fine Until She Got A New Guy

Hey there, first post from a guy who could do with some advice. I’d just like people to know now that I plan to make this post quite a long one for two reasons; 1, I think it will help getting everything down in words and 2, the more detailed I am the more specific I’m hoping my feedback will be. So unless you’ve got some time to spare, no need to concern yourself with this essay!

Right so I split up with my girlfriend about 6/7 weeks ago, we had been together for 2 and a half years, I am 19, she is 17. We were both our first loves and we both lost our virginities to each other. I know straight away that people will think ‘ahh first loves, they’ll get over it’, which is probably true, but compared to friends of mine/hers, our relationship seemed far more grown-up and serious.

A bit about me: So like I said, I’m 19, I always pride myself on being a very positive person, I like to see the best in any situation. Honestly not much more I can say about my personality, I don’t get jealous easily, I guess that’s the only thing relevant to this topic anyway.

A bit about her: She is now 17, she’s an insecure girl (more on that later), she can be very shy, but has a good soul. The rest I will cover throughout.

Our relationship: We first spoke over facebook through a friend of a friend blah blah…. We were both very young at the time, but she seemed like a nice girl. I could tell she was shy, but back then so was I. Anyway, one day I was playing a gig with my band (just a school rock night thing) and she said she was coming, so I said to myself I would speak to her in person, maybe get to know her properly. Anyway, we chatted, little bit awkward at first as we were both shy, blah blah blah a couple months of us meeting up passed and eventually we were ‘official’. Now over the next year of our relationship I slowly broke down her shy barriers (believe me it was a challenge at times) and we were becoming much more comfortable about being around each other. Now in the back of my mind, I was starting to wonder about the sexual side of our relationship and when we would ‘do it’. Now I was so happy being with her that it never really bothered me if we did/didn’t do it. Eventually we started doing things; you know things that will eventually lead into sex. I asked her about ‘doing it’ and we had a conversation which basically concluded her with saying she wanted to wait until she was 16, which was still 9 months away, but hey I loved her and didn’t put any pressure on her, so I said I’d be happy to wait. A few months past and I broke up with her, worst decision I made, it was hasty, not thought out and generally a silly choice. We were split for a month in which time I knew I had made a silly choice and she wanted me back, so we got back together. We were better for it and our relationship was always improved from then onwards. So a few more months went by and she turned 16. Now I didn’t jump on her and say it was time, but a couple of days after her birthday I went for it while we were in my bedroom (again I wasn’t forceful), but I got rejected, saying she wasn’t ready. I was disappointed but I accepted her decision, I tried a couple of times more over the next month or two, but she still said she wasn’t ready, and my main concern was that I didn’t want her to feel pressured and put strain on our relationship. I think she started feeling bad afterwards and eventually said to me we would do it for my 18th birthday (about a month away at the time). So birthday came, thinking ‘great this is it’. Nope, still wasn’t ready. By this point I was feeling a bit frustrated, but didn’t show it. Luckily the day after she initiated it and we both lost our virginities. I could tell by the end of it she wasn’t feeling very comfortable, she said it hurt a bit, but not to worry and she’d get used to it eventually. Well all I can say is from that point onwards our sex-life never improved. Sex was few and far between (sometimes 2 months without). Whenever we did do it she never felt comfortable with me seeing her naked (which links back to her being very insecure) and we never did anymore than 3 positions because of the same reason. Eventually I couldn’t help it and my frustration started to become apparent and she was becoming more and more aware of it. She kept apologising and saying she didn’t want to push me away etc…. It was such a shame because for the most part, the rest of our relationship was great.

My eventual decision to split up with her came from a combination of our sex life and being so insecure, it was bringing me down. Now both these reasons I was aware of for a good year or so before we split up, but I always felt like I was the one in the wrong for getting annoyed at her, as she couldn’t help it. Eventually I couldn’t handle her constantly crying about how ‘overweight’ she was (and believe me she was far from it, if anything she didn’t eat healthy enough), and with the non-existent/really bad sex-life. So I ended it.

The first day I met up with her and told her it was over, it was horrible. We met at a local park in a quiet spot, just the two of us, I was perfectly honest with her and she said can we just go on a break instead. I denied and told her it was something I had considered for a good while. She was distraught and her crying in hysterics is one of the saddest and gut-wrenching things I’ll ever hear. She went to a friends, I stayed alone and cried for a while, I called a good friend who came to meet me and comforted me for a while. Anyway after that I was okay for the most part, I wasn’t jumping over the moon but I was coping pretty well. When I hit the 3 week mark I started thinking of the small things that I missed, but again I was doing pretty good. Now the other day a friend of mine told me that he’d heard my ex (we’d been split up for just over a month now) was going out with some new guy. Unfortunately the new guy happened to be the one guy who I probably dislike most in this world, and she knew that. I’d had an issue with him in the past where he had been a bit too forward with my girlfriend at the time and had been slapping her ass and kissing her on the neck when she wasn’t looking (he did it to many girls, it wasn’t a targeted thing). It got to the point where I felt I had to say something, I told him to back off, I wasn’t rude though. Whenever he saw me and my girlfriend together after that he’d look away and ignore us. I always said to my girlfriend that the two of you can still be mates and chat, he doesn’t have to feel he can’t talk to you at all.
When I found out about the two of them the other day I text my ex asking if it was true. I know it may not have been the best decision, but like my friend who had told me said, it’s better for me to find out now rather than seeing the two of them walking down the street together. Inevitably it was a yes, they were going out with each other. Unfortunately this is where I made my mistake of not leaving it. I said I was surprised at how quick they had got together after only being apart with me for a month. She obviously didn’t take kindly to my comments. I was genuinely surprised though, thinking that after just one month she could be with a new guy, knowing the shy person she was. I know I couldn’t do it, and I’m a pretty positive outgoing guy.
I had a night of anger and wanted to beat the living crap out of the guy. The next day I asked my ex if the three of us could meet (again probably not a good choice), so that I could clear the air with the two of them and show that there are no hard feelings and I would leave them be. She was uncharacteristically nasty towards me and told me to do-one basically. She then told me her parents were aware that I was trying to come between her and her new boyfriend and were angry at me (I’d always had a very close relationship with her parents, so it hurt when I found out she was lying to them about me). In the end, knowing she wouldn’t meet I sent her a lengthy message on facebook apologising if I’d done anything to put pressure on her and her new boyfriend and I’d leave her alone and never contact her again.

Now I know it was my decision to break up with her, and it’s not something I regret, I stick by it. But since them few days ago I have found myself weeping like a baby, mainly at nights. I want to move on and it’s only since I’ve found out about her and this new guy that I’ve been a mess.

I’m taking a girl for a drink in a couple of weeks, she seems lovely, but I don’t want to turn up and I still have my ex on my mind, or be an emotional wreck still.

I also seem to have lost my appetite, and usually I’m a big eater haha.

I’ve read a lot of ‘how to get over her’ articles already, and a lot of them just seem so cliché. I mean it probably just is a case of time and hopefully I’ll be over it soon, but was just wondering if anyone had any advice based on their own experiences?

I’d like to personally thank anyone if they took the time to read that whole thing, it means a lot knowing there are people that care.

This was a good read man. I know exactly how you are feeling. Breaking up is one of the most difficult choices we make. I see being with someone you love and cherish so much as a drug. You get so used to seeing them so often, spend so much time with them that once you break up, you go through these "withdrawls" in a sense. It is horrible and I am sorry to hear that you are going through all of this right now. However, there is only one option you have at this point, and that is to accept what has happened and move on. I understand that what I said is cliché, but it is very true. When I broke up with an ex of mine 3 years back, it was almost destroyed me. We dated for a year and a half and after the break up, all I could think about where all the amazing times we had together. The walks in the park, the cuddling, the times we would go late at night and gaze at the stars together. However, I realize now that this was me trying to prove myself wrong for the reason why I broke up with her. I spent one night, writing the pros and cons of that relationship, pondering why I broke up with her, what was wrong with the relationship, and ways to try and move on. It worked out pretty well, but still, I thought about her quite often. You need to be strong, go out on dates with other girls, spend time doing sports, hobbies, anything that will get your mind off of her. In time, your wounds will heal, and all will be better.

Needless to say, If I ended up getting back with that ex, all of the experiences I had after that relationship would of never happened. Which leads me to believe that I would have never met my current girlfriend, who is the one I plan on being with for the rest of my life. Life works in weird ways, and things happen for a reason. Just take that relationship you had as a learning experience and grow from it. Good luck!

Delights

You are young and still have so much to learn. She was obviously not ready for a sexual relationship but did it just to keep you happy and to not to get dumped which is pretty sad. You didn't recognize this as an act of low self esteem, instead you selfishly felt you were wrongly denied sex so you dumped her. You act like your property was taken from you instead of losing the love of your life. If she really meant that much to you, you wouldn't have dumped her in the first place and would have patience to wait till she was truly ready for it.

What it boils down to is different levels of maturity, and expectations. A girl her age is looking for fairytale romance, and a guy your age is looking for a sexual partner.....it just wasn't meant to be. Your best bet is to date girls your own age or older (adults).

Good call to dump her if she wouldn't have sex with you. Now you've done it, man up. Find someone new and stop thinking about her.