Rocky Marriage and "old friend" back in life - HELP!

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23-08-12, 02:00 AM
LC83

Rocky Marriage and "old friend" back in life - HELP!

So my husband and I have been going through a tough time, and to make
a long story short we are not speaking and he is sleeping the couch.
Its been in the works, but now its all come full circle. He helps with
the kids when I need him to but other than that I feel like we are
"unofficially separated".

I ran into an old childhood friend last week who I hadn't see in 7
years ( since I met my husband - he made me end all friendships with
men when we started dating. I know- that should have been a clue) and
instantly we both went back to how things were with us like time never
passed. I met him the the 6th grade, he was in 7th. We grew up
together, he was my best friend through jr high and in high school we
both stayed friends but we always knew there was something more there
we never addressed. We never did anything phsyical, i think he tried
to hold my hand once but we were both scared to take the friendship to
the next level and neither of us had the balls to confront our
feelings that we both knew were there.

I've always thought of him and "what could have been". I am friends
with his sister and have kept "tabs" on him through the years but he
was kind and gracious enough to understand when I told him my now
husband was uncomfortable with our friendship- he took a step back and
let me live my life. Dont they say - "if you love something, set it
free? " thats what he did... and now " if it comes back to you it was
always yours" is what is going through my mind now since reconnecting
with him.

it's like no time has passed at all. I feel guilty with him texting me
and calling me when I'm on my way to and from work - times I'm not
home. But its nice to reconnect and yes, we both had admitted we
wished we had done things different back then and both regret not
taking that "next step".. Other than the time I ran into him last
week, I have not seen him but he wants to meet to catch up and talk.
He went through what I am going through in a previous relationship and
we both have been burned the same way - I really want to see him and
rekindle what we had, but I feel so guilty and wrong thinking about
it.

Granted, my husband is more a figure in the house with whom I am still
married to and have kids with and I dont take that lightly. I havent
been complimented by him in months, thanked, or appreciated for
anything I do for our family, and its nice to have that positive
attention from someone again. Is that wrong to want that, and be
craving it from my friend and enjoy all the attention again?

I know I shouldn't meet with him because I am married, but technically
we are friends catching up - yet we both know there's unspoken
attraction and feelings still lingering in the background. I am torn -
I know whats right and wrong but just dont want to feel guilty about
how things have happened - all innocently and unexpectedly in my
defense.

What are your thoughts? Thanks for your help.
23-08-12, 02:05 AM
Boisdevie

YOur marriage is over. Get divorced. Then you can shag who you like.
23-08-12, 09:54 AM
FairyInLove

I agree with Boisdevie ;)
23-08-12, 10:41 AM
Wakeup

Quote:

Originally Posted by LC83 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So my husband and I have been going through a tough time, and to make
a long story short we are not speaking and he is sleeping the couch.
Its been in the works, but now its all come full circle. He helps with
the kids when I need him to but other than that I feel like we are
"unofficially separated".

I ran into an old childhood friend last week who I hadn't see in 7
years ( since I met my husband - he made me end all friendships with
men when we started dating. I know- that should have been a clue) and
instantly we both went back to how things were with us like time never
passed. I met him the the 6th grade, he was in 7th. We grew up
together, he was my best friend through jr high and in high school we
both stayed friends but we always knew there was something more there
we never addressed. We never did anything phsyical, i think he tried
to hold my hand once but we were both scared to take the friendship to
the next level and neither of us had the balls to confront our
feelings that we both knew were there.

I've always thought of him and "what could have been". I am friends
with his sister and have kept "tabs" on him through the years but he
was kind and gracious enough to understand when I told him my now
husband was uncomfortable with our friendship- he took a step back and
let me live my life. Dont they say - "if you love something, set it
free? " thats what he did... and now " if it comes back to you it was
always yours" is what is going through my mind now since reconnecting
with him.

it's like no time has passed at all. I feel guilty with him texting me
and calling me when I'm on my way to and from work - times I'm not
home. But its nice to reconnect and yes, we both had admitted we
wished we had done things different back then and both regret not
taking that "next step".. Other than the time I ran into him last
week, I have not seen him but he wants to meet to catch up and talk.
He went through what I am going through in a previous relationship and
we both have been burned the same way - I really want to see him and
rekindle what we had, but I feel so guilty and wrong thinking about
it.

Granted, my husband is more a figure in the house with whom I am still
married to and have kids with and I dont take that lightly. I havent
been complimented by him in months, thanked, or appreciated for
anything I do for our family, and its nice to have that positive
attention from someone again. Is that wrong to want that, and be
craving it from my friend and enjoy all the attention again?

I know I shouldn't meet with him because I am married, but technically
we are friends catching up - yet we both know there's unspoken
attraction and feelings still lingering in the background. I am torn -
I know whats right and wrong but just dont want to feel guilty about
how things have happened - all innocently and unexpectedly in my
defense.

What are your thoughts? Thanks for your help.

So, would you consider yourself "unofficially separated" if this guy who is willing to interlope into your marriage wasn't in the picture?

You do realize that he thinks you are sure thing and a safe option for NOT having to commit to you because you're already in a committed relationship, right?
Don't lose your self-respect or cross your own personal boundaries or integrity for some fleeting feelings that are currently missing in your married life.

Speak to your husband about how you're feeling unloved, under appreciated and craving the attention he once showed you when you both were young lovers, without the burden of life's responsibilities, the children and all the other things that can (if you allow it to happen) make you both take one another for granted.

He's your husband and the father of your children. If nothing else, you owe him by telling him your not happy and then giving him the opportunity to make things right with you. You having an emotional affair and acting like a school girl over some guy who is taking advantage of a naive and vulnerable unsatisfied house wife is adding to the resentment you feel for your husband so stop it. If you are going to leave your marriage then do so because your husband knew the drill but cared not enough about your union to try, along with you, to rectify.. not because some jerk is willing to get involved with a married woman. Should you be foolish enough to take things further with your "friend" then how would you ever trust one another if the two of you have no boundaries?
23-08-12, 05:08 PM
haxan

Ya, it's normal for people in bad relationships/marriages to reach back to their past. I'll quote a post I made on another topic.

Quote:

Originally Posted by haxan [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Sometimes when people are in limbo, or alone, or there personal life got turned upside down, they reach out to someone familiar from the past. It's like a wooby for an adult I guess.

You're just bored, depressed and basically alone. You want someone who you know can fill those needs (an old friend who's also alone). Maybe it's the fix you need to move on with your life, but it won't amount to any long term rekindled love. There's a reason you two never hooked up back then and it's not because either one of you loved something and set it free.

Figure out if you want to stay married or not first. Then look for new Romeo's.
25-08-12, 11:37 PM
vieuxsage

Quote:

Originally Posted by LC83 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So my husband and I have been going through a tough time, and to make
a long story short we are not speaking and he is sleeping the couch.
Its been in the works, but now its all come full circle. He helps with
the kids when I need him to but other than that I feel like we are
"unofficially separated".

Depends on how bad it is. If you want the marriage and the big part you skipped is not awful, then maybe you guys can fix it. Personally I think a marriage is worth keeping if it's healthy or is slightly unhealthy and you work to make it healthy.

Quote:

I know I shouldn't meet with him because I am married, but technically
we are friends catching up

Come on, it's more than that and you know for sure it can quickly lead to more than that.

Quote:

What are your thoughts? Thanks for your help.

If you want to stay married and your marriage is not awful then I believe you two should go to couples counceling. Yeah I know, men and counceling, are you serious? Nevertheless, he should if you want to stay married.

If you don't want to stay married then don't see that other guy because don't you think it's kinda' well, not classy to cheat? The other ones you date will find out and know you're a cheater. Can't wait till you're legally separated or divorced?
25-08-12, 11:54 PM
IndiReloaded

Quote:

Originally Posted by haxan [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You're just bored, depressed and basically alone. You want someone who you know can fill those needs (an old friend who's also alone). Maybe it's the fix you need to move on with your life, but it won't amount to any long term rekindled love.

I agree. Check your motives on this. As someone asked, if it weren't for this guy would you still be making this post? Doubt it. I don't read any signs of cheating or abuse re: your husband. You, on the other hand, sound like someone quite willing to engage in an emotional (or worse) affair. Stop it.

If he is cheating or abusive, then you need to get your life in order by divorcing first before moving on to someone new. I suggest you cut contact with this man, tell him you are *married* and that what you are doing (also him for encouraging you) isn't right.

Quote:

Originally Posted by haxan [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

There's a reason you two never hooked up back then and it's not because either one of you loved something and set it free.

That's unfair. They were kids back then. Grade 6/7 she said? LOL. I'm more concerned she doesn't really know this other man and is prepared to trade her husband, a known quantity, for an unknown.

Quote:

Originally Posted by haxan [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Figure out if you want to stay married or not first. Then look for new Romeo's.

Agreed. You ARE married. What you are doing is the first steps on the slippery slope of cheating. If this other man were posting here we'd be telling him: "Beware, a woman who will leave her fundamentally decent husband for some old flame lacks integrity. If she'll do it to him, she'll do it to you." We'd also be saying he's a scumbag for encouraging you to cheat, but at the end of the day its your vows, not his.
26-08-12, 08:44 PM
cheekxs

Quote:

Originally Posted by LC83 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Dont they say - "if you love something, set it
free? " thats what he did... and now " if it comes back to you it was
always yours"

They say a lot but you need to use your commonsense also before you take it literally!

Instead of see everyone you see once again in your life as a reason to jump on them. damm.

I think you need to go back to your marriage papers and videos.
cause as many people i think you did not find out and understand what marriage is.

You just did it all out of enthusiasm and fairytale thinking and nice dress and cake etc.
If you do your homework you will see again that marriage is in good and bad times.
And till dead do us part.

So when you are having a rocky time in your marriage is not a time to jump to another men.
But a time to think and search console and professional help for the issue that stand between you and your husband.

I think you just desperate for your needs that you are filling it with all of those stuff you are telling us.
like you head good communication with guy always, he is good, he is this and that.
It feels like back in the days and stuff.

But was you not saying all of that good stuff about your husband before marry him?
When you told your parent you are going to get married, did you not tell them all that good
stuff that your husband is also?
So now that the bad times arrived at your door, you don't take responsibility for what you promised when you married.

I think you need to ask yourself, if you divorce your husband,and go with this old friend and married or whatever with him, and things become like your marriage is now between you 2,
what will you do? will you run to another more better friend of back in the days again?

So when are you going to take responsibility and be a adult about the choices you made?
Marriage is no joke, its something holy and serious. so you don't do it for fun or money or to please your parents or what ever.
So if you new your husband was not the one why did you married?
And why do you turn to another one cause times are rocky?

aND STOP THINKING ABOUT COLLEGE STUFF. CAUSE YOU ARE A OLD ASS RIGHT NOW. college times is way over.
So you have kids and need to think about that first.
What you do can make or break them.
So you cant go from guy to guy like in your college days.
You have serious responsibility here to take care of.

And this dude can be nice as your husband is or was when you met him.
But you dont know where it will take you.
You are married so you cant allow yourself to cheat and date and sleep around or
go for dates when you are tired.
you should have find out what marriage is before doing it.

you can find console and a pastor to talk to about your situation.
and pray about it, and read (christian)books about marriage that can give you some guide in
your marriage.
And you will have to sit at one oint and talk about everything openly to your husband.
where are the problems, what can we do about it, where it hurts,and so solve the problems and see
where to go from there.
and stay married or divorce, you will still have to
deal with him in a nice way for the kids.he still their only number one dad!
26-08-12, 08:47 PM
cheekxs

@ IndiReloaded's so agree with your post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
09-11-12, 11:17 AM
Girl_on_Fire

I am of the mind that yes, you need to be honest about your situation. I will not EVER tell someone to STFU and stay married. Guess what? If it's unhappy, everyone is unhappy. Is divorce horrible and sometimes messy? Yes. However, being with someone when you don't want to be, is never a good enough reason to stay. I'm a child of divorce and it was hard as hell. I had two parents who HATED each other. Moral of the story, they needed the divorce but then also needed to be adults. You can be an adult and still be happy. Just get out. If you don't want to get out, then you need to give your husband your attention, and start finding a way to get back to where you came from. As far as this old friend, if you think you would be happier with him, separate first before pursuing him. That way, if he is worth it, you will get a start that is honest and promising. Marriage isn't a prison to the grave and if it becomes that, then you need to get out. Period.
22-11-12, 01:49 AM
amandaNY

Found Love in a Hopeless Place.. or Hopeless Case?

I don't want to be rude, but from the looks of it - you're on your way to getting a divorce. I hope there's a way for you both to save your marriage because separation can be quite a traumatic, emotional experience... and a costly one to boot. Divorce these days can cost more than $20K, if that's not enough burden already. The cost of working out a settlement and the wait can only add to the injury. If I were in your case, I'd rather seek mediation instead. Let's say I witnessed a close friend went through divorce hell so I'm sharing. I think there are online dispute resolution tools that can help you with this. I'm only aware of eQuibbly, ODR exchange and I bet there are plenty more out there. Just a friendly tip. The matters of the heart can mess up your good judgment. Good Luck ;)
22-11-12, 02:20 AM
luvcoq

Quote:

Originally Posted by haxan [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Ya, it's normal for people in bad relationships/marriages to reach back to their past. I'll quote a post I made on another topic.

You're just bored, depressed and basically alone. You want someone who you know can fill those needs (an old friend who's also alone). Maybe it's the fix you need to move on with your life, but it won't amount to any long term rekindled love. There's a reason you two never hooked up back then and it's not because either one of you loved something and set it free.

Figure out if you want to stay married or not first. Then look for new Romeo's.

Lol you're such a dick. Quoting yourself as if anyone gives a **** what you said last week.