A warning to all in rocky marriages
Ok so this is meant as a warning to people in struggling marriages. Hopefully if people see similarities they will seek help and save their marriage. Sadly its too late for me.
So 17 years ago i met my future wife. I have always been quiet and a bit reserved (and yes not fantatstic at displaying my emotions)
However we hit it off. Our sex life was brilliant and we quickly became best friends as well as lovers.
So we get married.. a fantastic day we were so happy.
Then the wedding night...she was too tired for sex ... this should have been the first alarm bell as it had never happened before but still i dismissed it because maybe she was really tired.
Looking back over the years a clear pattern emerged one that i was oblivious to at the time.
She wanted kids straight away. I suggest we wait a little bit, get over the cost of the marriage, save a little and then be able to give our child a great start in life. BANG months of rejecting any sexual advance random bouts of anger and nothing i did was enough....until of course i agreed to having a child.
So after our first child we were like we used to be (or so i thought) passionate affectionate doing everything for each other and our child. Then of course she brings up the subject of a second child.
Now this time all i said was 'are you sure' Bang same things happened. Like a switch being flipped. But this time its wasnt enough just to agree to a second child this time without knowing it mire and more hosehould duties were down to me (i was working full time - she stayed at home).
And so the cycle continued ...i want a dog BANG....I want a cat ...BANG....until by the end the withdrawl of any affection by would stretch months and by affection i dont mean sex i mean something as simple as a kiss or a cuddle something which she didnt have a problem doing with male work colleagues.
Two years ago she declared out of the blue she wanted an open relationship...this nearly destroyed me on the spot. However i was so much under her control that it was me begging her stay. That i would do anything to keep her.
So two years later mostly consisting of these emotionally barren periods, where i was doing all the housework, all the gardening, all the decorating, all the cooking (she would text me from the bedroom where she spent most of her time for a cup of tea and some food) getting up every morning with the kids and working full time. She drops another bombshell.
We work together and i saw her put her arm around a male work colleague and cuddle him ...not a friendly hug. This was a head on your shoulder full blown cuddle....in public with me watching...it hurt as she hadnt touched me in months like that. Then a couple of days later she was on a night out with work friends....and staggers in drunk to show me a picture of her and the same male friend kissing..but she declares it was only posing for the cameras. She then let slip they quite often got to the pub after work while i have the kids....this is the first i knew about it.
Im dying inside...how can my wife show that much affection for someone else and yet completely block me out.
So the next day she wont talk to me ... then on the evening she declares she wants to seperate. Yet again im crushed to the point im not sure there is anything left of me.
Two days of discussions and she says she is still going to leave 'for a couple of months' to get her head straight.
Now i dont know why or how. Maybe its because i had nothing left to give but i told her if she leaves it is forever there is no coming back....
So she decided she is still leaving and i cried like a baby......for an hour then suddenly something clicked. This person no longer controls me...i actually have a life..me this shell of a man actually has a future
Finally i was getting some control back. Yes people may call me weak for tolerating this behaviour but it is very subtle at first until ultimately you get so drained from the lack of affection.
So i have done a lot of reading in this time and its obvious my wife was at least having an emotional affair (not sure what that is - look it up) ....this type of affair can be more damaging to a relationship than a physical affair. Please do look into it if your having problems it may save your marriage.
Its also pretty obvious that my wife is passive aggressive. The way she controlled me is typical of this. Again if your having problems look this up....you might be surprised.
Ultimately i think she chose to leave this time because she thought she had finally broken me. I had stopped begging for sex a long time ago because the constant rejection hurt too much.
She thought i had nothing left to give....she was wrong. The difference is it will be with someone who treats me as an equal and doesnt have me doubting and loathing myself every second.
After that initial hour of grief this isnthe happiest i have been in 17 years.
Please dont let this happen to you. Fix your marriage or get out. Do some research. Get help....dont become an empty shell like i did.
I hope someone benefits from this
