Think I need a little insight

I was wondering who to ask, the women or the men. I'm a man myself but felt I maybe needed to ask the girls regarding my question, I've changed my mind and I'm posting it here, because I think it's not really some sort of answer I need from a woman. I have the 'answers' from a woman, the woman I love. You'll hopefully understand when you finishing read and reply to me.

Right guys, so I'll start.
Little over 6 months now I've been sorta lulling over this break. At first guys, I had no confidence in myself and most shockingly I had no trust in her. I didn't believe anything she told me. I know it's no excuse but I've been seriously hurt in the past, not necessarily in relationships (although it has played a part) but mainly through the whole experiences I've had during my life so far. Serious trust issues caused by people I 'thought' were my 'good' friends and ended up stabbing me in the back, though back then I were weak enough for it happen and for me to just allow it. I were wafer thin, one meal day if I were lucky, smoking a bucket load of pot and taking recreational drugs come a weekend and throughout the week if I could get the stuff. I didn't have a job and would just receive my benefits to see it all be smoked into the air, p*ssed down the toilet and excreted out of my system. At the time, I had NO IDEA what I was doing and I didn't know where to begin to start fixing myself. I might also add, I'm from an upper middle class background and had a great life before I chose to go down the road I had gone down so it's not been 'hardwired' into me to that sort of deadbeat lifestyle. Both my parents have very well-paid jobs, both pretty much high up the pecking list in their roles, both dream roles to each of them, a job they actually wanted and worked for. Plenty of holidays, plenty of cars, plenty of house renovations and new things, Christmas was amazing as was any month, we never went without food or water or electricity/gas/fuel for the cars. Just thought I'd add that so you can 'reference' the sort of personality I have deep down. I can tell you, it was never the one I started to inherit.

Anyway I'm not here to talk about that. That's just what I know to be true when it comes to the damage done to me through the years and how it affected my relationship with this woman.
We have an amazing connection, me and her. We really do leave each other. A lot of couples say they do but their relationships last a month. I know people I've met in life that believe they love someone the first day they encounter them and so the whole 'love' escapade in my book is something that doesn't happen overnight or in that fortnight or even month. We were talking for at least a year before we even started dating. Everything was so simple. And so amazing. I made her really happy and she confided in me like I was the only one that really mattered to her. And that guys, felt AMAZING!

During the time we were dating, we decided to make it official. We had enough evidence to see that we got on so flawlessly and the way we felt about each other, was and I hope still is like a relationship you have with a best friend but all the intimacy, all the exclusivity and all the commitment and dedication and honesty of a committed relationship. The best of both worlds, we never asked for much off each other. Just that we never lied nor cheated and were there for each other. The true definition of soulmates, in my opinion. Yours may differ but this is my situation and so, that's what it means to me. What we have guys is powerful and yet so pliable, we could mould it into whatever we liked and tweak things to get the best out of a relationship we wanted individually and that went unphased just like necessary building work on a house, you sit patiently and allow it to happen because nothing wrong is going on - whatever needs to be done will be done - sorta thing. We would share the most private of things, things she said she has never shared with anyone else. I might add, she's had next to no experience, as have I. I've abused myself and used others for sex and gratification but relationships? Just as inexperienced as she is. And I'm proud of it. After a while, it was clear that I was getting ill. Depression. Things were not going right in my life, I had family who were not treating me right, making me feel like crap and family are family - you either love them or leave them like anyone else. And I'm a family man and so I took it on the chin but it didn't mean it didn't hurt. Then, I came in and out of different jobs. One job I were promised a permanent placement and worked there for 4 months, working 60+ hours a week to come in one day and be accused of intimidating the most senior member of staff there. Strange that.. if I would 'intimidate' anyone it would be the new kids not the old guys, they have the biggest opinion and the most power in terms of who stays and goes. So it doesn't make sense yet I wasn't on a perm contract and I couldn't argue. I went from being on £500 a week to being on £55 a week on benefits. That had a HUGE effect on me as you can imagine. I could barely afford to maintain the life I had built up for myself. And so my broadband had to go, my Sky package and the only package I kept were my house phone because it was the cheapest and I had been with those guys the longest and the contract were nearly up anyway, cheaper to cancel if I wanted too. On top of this, the government here in the UK stopped my benefits 10 times, whilst not stopping my housing benefit. Makes sense, right? If I'm some benefit bum (which I've been before) I'd know and do know how to con the system if I want more money - but did I, no. They claimed I wasn't looking for work. Strange that also, coming from doing 12 hour shifts (nights may I add) doing 60+ a week if not more to then suddenly deciding to NOT want to be on £500 a week again? Sounds legit jobcenter! *sarcasm*

After all that I had this woman here who I cared for and loved. I had lost a dozen 'friends' and I just felt like I was losing touch. I became demanding and short-fused and nasty. I manipulated her and upset her. Through all the pain of my past amplified by the pain of trusting an employer to give me a job HE PROMISED ME to be lied to and cheated out of a job by some scum who set me up, then to have my family cause problems, on top of this.. have this beautiful woman here.

So yeah, I messed up. Then, she got ill. Depressed. Lost a few family members, her brother moved abroad for a month or two and she loves her brother and so that upset her. Not only that but she lost a job she had for a number of years suddenly due to 'her not being necessarily anymore' so she was stuck with one part-time job. Luckily she still loves with her parents and so she wasn't in the dire "Im going to be out on the streets" situation I faced. Nevertheless, come a few weeks and months she had a number of appointments at the hospital and came back with the results for early AHUS. A rare disease that attacks the immune system including some organs in the body like the kidneys and liver and can shut them down, if it doesn't shut them down it decreases their effectiveness by a good margin. On top of this she found out her best friend has bipolar too. Her doctor called her (the woman I was with, not her best friend) prozac and we all know how dangerous prozac is. It made her worse, she got really destructive and really upset. So she stopped taking it. On top of that she had to go and get an appointment because of irregular pain which they said could be PCOS which means polytheistic ovaries syndrome which really affects the chance of you having kids. Doubled with risk with having AHUS which can attack the body, your body OR BOTH due to the stress. Also, AHUS can poison the blood stream to the baby and it dies or becomes severely damaged whilst still in the womb. Not good, right? Say that again. All this... and everything I were going through (I know nothing combined to her) but at the same time, it was just wrong that we continue to be with each other after what we done to each other as a result of me getting ill and her following suit.

We both ignored her own mental health for too long thinking a 'miracle cure' would come along and make us feel better. No-one wants to accept they have some form of mental illness. It's hard to accept. But slowly we started to accept it. We talked and we made the right decision to take a break. I had hurt her through all the anger and bitterness and dishonesty I had faced in my life and she hurt me through all the issues she had faces. It was not intentional. I didn't start out like this to think "Oh I know! Great idea! I'll fall in love with a woman and then hurt her deliberately!" NO. Far from it. And she knows that but I covered it up, I said to her I was fine so it begs the question.. Was he being true with his actions or was he ill? I suppose she finally found out the answer when she got ill. So we first took a break and it was lasted 2 weeks, it was only suppose to last 2 weeks but I made it last the entirety. She messaged me about 7 days into the break saying she didn't want the break and just wanted to get back together. I broke my phone before she sent those messages and so, for those 7 days I had NO phone. When I did get a phone, it was exactly 2 weeks and maybe a day or so after the day we wanted to talk with each other. The welcoming was incredible. We both fell into each other's arms and that's just how our relationship works. We just click on a really sub-concious level like two top-flight football/soccer players. A duo, a team. That's how we work. And so we reunited. It didn't take us long to realize, 2 weeks was just not long enough! 2 weeks isn't enough for me to have bought new grocery shopping let alone bought a new mentality back home. So we decided to do it properly. At first we talked about only talking once a month, at the end of EVERY month. That failed because where she couldn't be strong enough before - that was now me. I kept messaging her every other day just begging to talk with her. Because this woman had been my life, my everything. It was hard to wean myself off her love. So this upset her, but she had the patience and gold hearted attitude of being patient. She were patient for about 3 months or so, maybe even more and that leads us roughly to around April 2014. When we decided to take a break FOR REAL.

I talked to her and told her that I knew I had done wrong by not being strong enough to let her again and not being able to trust her. Because after all guys, the reason why I couldn't let her was because I JUST COULD NOT TRUST. She told that the longer we delay it, the longer it will take for us to be together again. That made me realize. She knows exactly what to say, she's like a really caring understanding but strict mother. She'll have the patience but when it's time to enforce some home truths she won't flinch at the opportunity. She told me that we could of already been together by now (past tense) and that upset me also knowing that would of been true if I could of let her go. But she never gave up guys, she just sat back like an amazing woman and still talked to me, still gave me loads of love, when she went out for a drink she'd send me pics of what she looked like, and even when she came home, she'd send me funny pictures acting like her dogs were talking to me (she'd send me pictures of her dogs waving at me and stuff). Her dogs didn't seem all that interested I might add... BUT THAT'S A DIFFERENT STORY... lol

So I committed to this and told her. I'm going to do it. She thanked me for understanding, I thanked her for allowing me to have SO MUCH time to pluck up the courage and trust to maybe to commence this break. So we did. It's been 6 months so far guys and... I've changed so much. My priorities are operating like a safe door, one cog attached to another turns the other and the door opens. I'm still working out the best algorithm to be the best person and soon, that door will open for me. I know it will. I know I shouldn't of done but out of 6 months I've messaged her 6 times. Not one day after the other, perhaps every other week. Just completely distressed and really missing her. Again, her motherly caring instinct came out and she sat me down and told me everything I had to know. She told me that if she wanted to leave me for good, she would. I believe her. And that she needs to do this to be in the first place to look after me and I do the same and look after her. I told her all these nice things and I could just tell by what she was writing that she had melted and felt really emotional and she just said, just do this and it won't be long and we can be together again. That was the last time I messaged her, we said we loved each other, it was mutual and that was it. She blocked me. She blocked me guys because that's the only way that she can take comfort in knowing she is in control of when I message her. After all, she took the last year or so of me being in 'charge' and being like a drunk general, it's never going to end up in victory. Only sobering defeat. And that's what happened, my problems defeated me and nearly defeated her.

That being said, you know the story now. Thanks for reading.
I trust her guys so don't come out with insults or 'suggestions' that relate to me being delusional or whatever. I love this woman and I BELIEVE 100% she will return to me. If you have a problem with that then I'd recommend seeking counselling like I will be doing shortly. Already had an assessment and will be going back to my doctor to find out who will be dealing with me and what department. He said it would probably be CBT as there are no suggestive underlying severe mental health issues causing my problems. Just maybe a little PTSD and depression, anxiety etc. So.. I can't do with weakness right now so if all you ooze is weakness, comment elsewhere.

So I've said my disclaimer. I just want to hear your stories, have you been in this situation before? Did it work out? What happened? Are you still together now? I wanna hear all you stories. And perhaps tell me what you did to make sure you changed from being that shadow to fulfilling yourself and being the person standing in front of it. I'm just looking for strength boosting conversation and hear from likeminded guys that share my mentality and beliefs. Also, you can comment. Just please, don't start writing depressing stuff. I asked you not too so if you persist, just shows how big your own issues are to assert them onto me. I know how these places work and a lot of people have poisonous mindsets and want to inflict negativity onto others. I don't need that guys, I'm changing here. The last thing I need is people dragging me down.

Look forward to seeing your comments and your stories :)