Marriage issues

This is going to be a long story, so thanks to everyone in advance to take their time to read and respond.

So i am 23 and married. I married 2 years ago. I was born in Europe and lived there with my parents and brothers. When i was 14 we moved with the whole family to a country in south america, the birth place of my parents.

My dad used to beat me a lot, from since i am in my teens. He used to hit me for small things i did up untill i was 16 or 17 and moved to south america. My father was very controling and always used to yell at me. He had hit my brothers a few times, but never as much as me.

He never hit my mother. Only me, because i was a little rebels, as i am from indian/hindoe origin there are a lot of rules. In Europe i was free had a lot of friends and played soccer for a few years.

I met my husband when we lived there for a few months. We started seeing each other in secret as my parents couldn't know. After about 9 months they found out. And my father went crazy. Started to beat me up more and more.. my parents had issues already and my father tried to make sure we( my 2 brothers and i) were against my mother. Eventually she left us, my father told her she could not bring any of us. I was crying that day on the porch for hours as my mom left and nobody ever looked at me. Over the next few days i had problems in school and the head of the school asked me to tell her everything. I trusted her and did, she made sure i spoke to my mother every day a few minutes. I sneaked my mothers important papers and passport to school in my drawers (my dad checked my bag every day). So my mother came and pick them up and i got to see her.. after a few months my father called my mother to come and pick me up because he found me disgusting.

My mother came and my father and my brother tried to hold her at the house as they did not want her to leave. My father did voodoo and thought he could do something to her so she would stay. So my mother and i were standing there looking what was happening and my uncle (my mother's brother, she took him with her to pick me up). My little brother was to small to understand and stood there crying. I tried bringing him inside so he couldn't see. As my u cle dad and brother were fighting my mother and i jumped over a 2 meter gate. We went to the police several times but no one would help us.

Eventually we started over in a rent house just the 2 of us. It was hard, i changed schools when i went and live with my mom, i graduated as second best of the school.
My husband helped me cope with a lot of things during that period tried a lot of things to get me out of the house where i lived with my dad and brothers.

A lot is too painful and disgusting to tell you about from when i lived with them.. A lot of things happend traumatized me but got over it after a few years..

I went to live with my husband when i turned 18. We were together for 3 years or so already. My mom met an amazing man so i didn't leave her alone. I went trough a lot of ups and downs with my mother but we are the best of friends now. She is my best friend and only friend!!! I dont know what i would do without her.

So my husband and i actually had a pretty good life and relationship. We had a lot of ups and downs with his family. But who doesn't..
Untill one day my dad found out where i lived and came there.

We moved the same month and i found a better job. My husband and i were both studying so we had only the weekends together. When i took a second job everything went downhill. He couldn't work a 2nd job because he had some problems with his back at that time.
He cheated on me. Lied to me about it up till today he lies about it. I had a woman sleeping on my sofa 1 night.
Anyway, i stopped the second job after 6 months and paid our schoolfees. I bought him everything he wanted.
I almost never had time for him.. but i needed him the most during that period and guess what, he wasn't there for me.
Anyhow, we got passed it and a year went good untill he met another girl yet again. This one was his bestfriends girlfriend, they did not have sex or anything, just texting. And as his friend was going trough a hard time we sacrificed a lot of our time to help them.
After he and his friend got in a fight about a car that all ended very fast. After a few months we decided to get married. Eventhough i knew what he did and i left him for a week to stay with my grandma because i wanted to think and sort things out.

My mom and stephdad moved to an island to make a living. I didnot have any other family there. My grandma died the year after in june and he was really there for me. We decided to get married because we wanted to move to the same island my parents moved to.

We got married in march 2015. 2 months before that my mother in law passed away. Suddenly. It was hard. We still married in march but we had a small wedding. From the 4 brothers and sister in law only 1 of his siters showed up. She was my best friend. The wedding was good and after a week i moved to the island get a job and requested his and my papers. He came on vacation before he came to live here with me.

THe first year was great, like we could start over and we had a really good time. After a while he met a woman a little older than him( i was 15 when i met him and he was 18, so he was 26 at that moment). The became good or close friends as they say it. For me it was a little to close because she was whatsapping him the whole day and calling him when he dis not have service when he was on the raod with me. And she called maybe 10 or 15 times untill he picked up. I have to say she was married and has a child. We had to move from our apartment and found something close to hers. We had no other choice then to take it and just make the best of it.
She was asking my husband a lot of favors like dropping her home or bring her somewhere. He did if he was in the neighbourhood and only if hehad his vompany car. Ofcourse her whole family and husband started making assumptions and fights and we were also dragged in all their family problems. Long story short we moved aftwr three montha from there. She had issues with her husband an she went and stayed with her cousin a few months. When she moved she asked me if she could stay with is but i said no. My husband used to help her sometimes. I started to see that se maybe wanted something with my husband but he didn't see or know that. I spoke to him a few times about and declared me crazy and jealous.

In january of this year he let her stay with us for a week, without my permission. We got into a fight and i stayes by my parents 1 night. After a few days he helped her move some stuff and give her our old sofa and things we didn't use anymore. I was there during the moving and evwryrhing. She came by our house 1 or 2 more times and because my husband and i were still in a fight i called he one day ans told her to never come to our house again as she is a backstabbing bitch. She never came again after that, but ahe called my husband the same moment i hung up the phone. I got a call within 5 mins from my husband why i cussed her and that they are friends not me and her. I knew that already, i didn't even want to be friends with her. But she always tried touching my husband or do something to touch him. So i was always careful and tried to be there when they met on the front porch or anything.

Well long story short i never spoke to her again. I had a hard time when my best friend and sister in law died like 5 weeks ago. He went to his home country. It was hard as 2 other grandma's of ours had died in march and his sister in april.

We went on vacation in march for a week and she knew that and even then she was constantly whatsapping him. We even had a fight on our last vacation day about that.

Well i have to say i have been wrong many times when it came to him and his "female friends.. when something happend i used to send them messages and tell them he is married and blablabla. They used to always tell him and we would get in fights, not just emotional fights but phisical too.. we treatend eachother many times we were going to leave but never did.

He is my first love and everthing but i am not his first love. I love him a lot and never loved him a little less because of the things he did. It always remained the same.. well i like to think so because that is how it feels..

So last thursday we had a fight again. He was out on the road till later and i am used to from him, so i went and look for him. The last place i went was to that same girls house. And as i arrived there he was just opening the door of his car. I parked got out asked him what he thinks he is doing and slapped him. 2 times. He left me there and went home. I went up to the girl and asked her why the f she is calling my husband everytime she needa something while she has a boyfriend and always had a million hickies in her neck.

After 5 minutes i went home and met my husband. We had a fight he gave me his wedding ring and left with his clothes in a suitcase. He called me half an hour later to tell me that i have to go to her house and pick up the things we gave her like the sofa and plates and so on. I said no and he came home. Dragged me to her car and followed me until we reached there made me put everything in the car and told me keep it do what you want with it. I left threw it in the garbage place close to her house. I came home and laid down on the sofa. My husband came home and told me i am full of shit. He dragged me to the room and hit me a few times with a belt. That is the first time he hit me. He left again after that and i laid down on the sofa again. She told him lies about what i said and that i was screaming on the yars while other people live there too and it was late. She told me he brought her food, while we spoke on the phone around 7 and he told me we going to get dood togheter. He didnt come at his usual time, his phones where not ringing due to the heavy rain.. so that is the reason why i went and look for him. I went there hoping he was not there..
any how, he came home later in the night told me to come and sleep on the bed. We laid down, he told me i am a bad person and i don't have any manners i am just like my dad. I can't lie i talkloud as my father always just to yell at us from a young age.. so i can't control my anger and my voice most of the time. He said he doesn't want to see my face again, but eventually he fell asleep next to me and after a lot of tossing and turning i did too.. i woke up the next morning and while i was in the shower he left. He said something like i am gone but i did not respond.

That day i went to work with all my bruises and pain ( i work in a attorney's office) but i did not tell anyone about it. I don't have any friends and am afraid to tell my parents.. he called me during that day a few times demanding i need to buy that woman a new sofa bed and plates. My dumb stupid self did.. i bought everything and came home the evening after work with the stuff. He telling me she doesn't want it anymore. During the day we texted and he told me doesn't want to leave me because he loves me and he is angry because i am crazy and jealous and behave like an asshole, i have no manners and he was angry that i had to spend our vacation money to buy things for her. It came to less than 200 is dollars but still. He was also angry that i had a feeling that every day he was holding another woman while that is not true and he doesnot see her often. And only if she calls him to ask for help. But i don't understand why she need my hisband to help her if she has a boyfriend. Anyways he was also angry that i make him do stupid things like he hitting me and we always fighting over things like this.. he always takes the side of the other person and does not want to believe me.

I know i shouldn't have gone to her and yell at her, but i was angry. So friday night, yesterday he did like nothing happend, i helped him change something on our car.. and we sat down and talked about what happend.. he cussed me called me a bitch and he doesn't know what he want to do with me.. he is so angry. We went to buy food later that night and had a little fun and a drive and complained about a few things on the island.

This morning we even had sex and he went to work for half the day. As normal for him on a saturday. When he came home all of a sudden he asked me why i unpacked his suitcase an why i didn't come look for him on the road and whatsoever.. i ate alone he didn't want to eat with me. After i cleaned up he went and eat. While i was busy preparing dinner he watched tv took a show and left. Told me it is raining so come and look for me later and put my clothes back in the suitcase..

So i did and am home alone for a few hours now writing this down. I am used to being. Alone so often now. He alwaya goes out without me and never picks up when i call.

I have still a lot of pain from the bruises, and am completely confused. I know i have a very bad temper and my voice is a little loud, but i try to protect our marriage and i love him very very much.. i know it would be better to divorce and move on. He told me that he loves mebut we don't work out. He asked me to ask the lawyer i work for to file dor a divorce but i told him that he wants a divorce so he should arrange evweything and i will sign where necessary, i won't mess up nothing.

I have a battle every single day between my heart and my mind and every time my heart wins.. i do ****ed up things and he tells me always the fights are my fault. In a way i don't want to lose him because of how mich i love him, but also i know maybe divorce would be better for the both of us..

I would be happy if someone would respond negative or positive. I know i am not an angel i did some pretty ****ed up things myself fighting with him. He always told me he doesn't want nobody else, only me, but when i ask him why he is not honest he tells me even if he would be honest i would make a problem, which is not true. And he never even tried. Cus if he tried and was honest maybe it wouldn't have come so far with our fights.. he told me now their friendship is broken because of me.. i don't actually realy care about her..

I asked him to just change certain ways and think about me or us before he does something or calls me and tells me he is a little late for whatever reason. He wants me to change, eventhough i do, it is never good enough for him.. is asking for tour husbands time, attention amd affection a crime? Seems so to me..

I can't go to my mom i don't want to tell her or to see me like this. I don't also have friends so that is why i am posting it her for complete strangers..

Thank you for reading and thanks a million in advance if you leave a reply.. love to all of you❤️❤️