I'll try my best not to make this a late night rant but I googled this forum at midnight just to get some ideas on my current situation. I am young but I've always been a caring, passionate and loving person. I have had plenty of experience with different things over the past few years and I've matured a lot since then. I'm not completely out of the woods yet but things are much better than they were. I'm not rich even though I have a extremely stable money situation and plenty in reserve / savings. I don't have big muscles and I don't drive a truck that you can see and hear from five miles away. I've always been an outsider since I am completely different from almost any guy here but I've made a lot of progress. What still get's me is that it's like I am the most unattractive man in the COTUS.
I saw a ad in an newspaper for some guy who wanted a girlfriend. He screamed psycho but it was funny nonetheless especially with the picture he put in. I haven't followed up but I bet you that he has someone right now. I see guys who treat women like trash and I've seen the results that are sometimes lethal and almost always at least extremely damaging. The biggest relationship I've had was with someone who was just as old as my mom which lasted for over a year. I don't want to sound arrogant, petty or cocky but I know myself better than anyone else. I was raised to be a gentlemen and the "nice guy" even though I've had to play the bad guy a few times and I'm not afraid to do so either. I wish I had been treated like crap because at least I wouldn't be alone right now even if I turned out to be a complete scum bag.
I'm only a few months away from the biggest challenge of my life. Opportunities are opening up for me all over the place and I follow my plan but I don't know which one I'm going to choose but that isn't even a concern. I've tried being a uncaring, crude, angry, bitter, cocky, prick a**hole but that didn't work and I won't ever change myself again to make someone else happy. I feel that some people or maybe just me are meant to be alone. I've never actually been loved by anyone besides my family and that's pretty much a contractual agreement from birth. I speak three different languages, I can cook hundreds of dishes from across the world, I'm in great shape because I'm a huge endurance athlete, I have a great sense of humor even if it's dark at times and I've got hundreds of contacts across the globe. Say my name in a few countries in Central Asia and you will find someone who knows me. I have a stable job and a future career that is close but the road I'm on will take few more months.
I'm not lacking in any way except for a few tattoos probably and a beer gut which I could always get. I've been rejected more times than I can count and I've been thrown away twice. I've been stabbed in the back once and taunted. I've had to deal with catastrophic things in my life on my own without anyone to tell me that it's going to be alright. Hell I've been lost in a war-zone (long story) but somehow survived. I could climb the highest mountain, I could command a fleet of warships, I could win ten Super Bowls, retire and win five NBA championships. I could break Lance's record and make Eddie Merckx look weak even when he was at his prime. Sure I'm exaggerating but what I'm getting at is am I meant to be alone? Is God or whatever is up there aligned against me? Because it feels like that. It feels like no matter how hard I try, how long I search, yearn or pray, I'll never find anyone. I'll be alone for the rest of my life.
I used to say that there are no single women where I live and on the off chance that there is one she isn't interested in me. I really do believe that now because it's impossible. At the college I get no eye contact and getting a word out of someone is easier in an interrogation room. I can understand this somewhat because I don't waste my time playing stupid games or putting on some kind of flamboyant show of masculinity for everyone else my age. I think it's retarded but apparently being mentally handicapped but really good at football makes you worthy of love. I probably sound bitter but I have every right to be. That first ex of mine told me once, the last time we had lunch together after a few months of being away from each other, that I can't hold it against them or anyone for that matter. That in a couple of years they will finally gain higher function of their minds and realize that the guy who gets drunk every night in the wife beater and can't speak English can't be turned into a nice guy. What kind of bullsh** is that? I've heard that in different forms from multiple people. The way I look at it is that if I'm not good enough now; If I'm not strong, ugly, pretty, smart, stupid, smelly, classy, sexy or muscular enough I won't ever be.
So is this just me? Nice guy who fought the good fight for seven or eight years and whose finally turning into a pessimistic prick? I'll never betray my friends or hurt them so don't get me wrong on that. I will be loyal until the day I die but its getting the point now that when I look at couples my age or anyone for that matter I just get bitter and ignore them. When I see a pretty girl I used to smile and think what if but now I look at her and strut by like she's not even worth my time. I don't want to turn into this but how can I not if I've been through this crap?
/rant disengaged.
Eventually I want to be able to live by the saying from Heat. I'm alone but I'm not lonely. Most of the time it's like that but sometimes it gets to me...
