My girlfriend of 6 months still doesn't think she might be able to do long term?

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28-10-08, 06:05 AM
CompletePimp

My girlfriend of 6 months still doesn't think she might be able to do long term?

I'd really appreciate if someone had the time to read this and respond, thanks in advance! :)

We've been together for 6 months. (Ages 22 [me] and 25) And she has told me when we met that she wasn't in a state of mind for a relationship. Yet 1.5 months after we met she's the one that asked me to be in a relationship. I agreed. We for the most part (95%) have been having a wonderful relationship, great times together. She's been getting increasingly intimate and mushy with me. Yet all of a sudden again recently tells me she doesn't know if she can do long term. It's not a committment issue as even when she said that she said she only wants me and yes we are in a committed relationship and she wants to keep it. It's already been 6 months. Sshe tells me that I'm so wonderful and what we have is wonderful and she wants to KEEP it, yet says that she doesn't know if she's capable of doing long term? But then she tells me she reminds herself who she is with and how great I am and that's why she's with me. (which makes it more believable that she wants me, and not just NEEDS a guy)
We only see each other on weekends because of a 100 miles distance. And shes been so great lately as we've been spending saturday thru sunday together. (24 hours) But as soon as this weekend we spent Friday to Sunday, extra night, she got claustrophobic again and the same talk came out as before when we'd spend a long block of time together. It feels like if she begins to feel uneasy spending 2-3 days straight with someone she feels like she can't spend a long time with someone overall. Because in the recent time that we've only been spending 1 night together she's been perfectly fine and happy and intimate.
She was abused as a child and has some general relationship jadedness after having 2 four-year relationships end. She was single for 1.5 years before meeting me after those 2 long term relationships. Does she just need time to adjust to being with someone again? I realize it's 6 months but only with weekends but still.
She even told me how she was falling for me, that we both were just last week. But now that we spent a little more time together in a single block than usual she's back to saying 'shes not sure if she can do long term' when she was just talking about falling in love last week lol. WTF? What does she need? time? More space? Something less intense?
I'm going to propose to try to visit her once during the week, and once on weekends for shorter periods of time. Because she herself told me she doesn't think she can spend so much time with anyone in a single block. And thats what I think might be causing her to feel this way overall about long term.

(p.s. she also just got off birth control so I don't know if this is just her hormones flaring around trying to even out and her mood being shifted. I've heard of girls breaking up with their men even during PMS or when taking up BC or getting off of it etc)
28-10-08, 06:36 AM
excowho

Sounds like a bad case of the relationship gitters, like she's to scared to fully trust anyone.

I'd try and help you on this one, but from my personal experience whenever a girl had relationship gitters and I tried to delve into why, I always ended up finding out way more then I bargained for and the relationships always dead end.

Maybe it'll be different for you, interested to see what people say.
I'd say maybe turn it into an open relationship, where you're still free to go and find someone that wants to spend time with you without getting scared.
28-10-08, 08:18 AM
CompletePimp

Quote:

Originally Posted by excowho [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Sounds like a bad case of the relationship gitters, like she's to scared to fully trust anyone.

I'd try and help you on this one, but from my personal experience whenever a girl had relationship gitters and I tried to delve into why, I always ended up finding out way more then I bargained for and the relationships always dead end.

Maybe it'll be different for you, interested to see what people say.
I'd say maybe turn it into an open relationship, where you're still free to go and find someone that wants to spend time with you without getting scared.

An open relationship isn't what's going to fix it because she specifically told me that if she can have a long term relationship with ANYONE it would be ME because I have the most qualities she's ever wanted in a mate. That's why despite her 'jitters' she's still with me and still wants to be with me. Because regardless of her hesitancies she still stops and realizes that she's with someone that she REALLY likes and wants to be with. I do think it's a general jadedness from the past yes. I'm just wondering what's the best way to go about it, because an open relationship isn't it as that's not the real issue here.
Should I just take it easy on her and give her time to be comfortable? I know she's capable of it as I've seen how sweet and loving she can be in the past month or two. But as soon as we spend a long period of time together she freaks out having to share her house/space with another person that intensely.
28-10-08, 08:22 AM
starbuck

Pimp, she's pulling you closer and then pushing you away. It's not stable behavior in my opinion. Either she has serious doubts about the relationship, but isn't being honest with you about them, or there is something else going on with her.

I dunno...it doesn't seem like it's moving in a good direction. I know you care about her, but I'm tempted to tell you to find someone who won't do all this push and pull. It seems like you've posted before about her irrational behaviors. Isn't it getting tiresome?
28-10-08, 08:32 AM
CompletePimp

Quote:

Originally Posted by starbuck [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Pimp, she's pulling you closer and then pushing you away. It's not stable behavior in my opinion. Either she has serious doubts about the relationship, but isn't being honest with you about them, or there is something else going on with her.

I dunno...it doesn't seem like it's moving in a good direction. I know you care about her, but I'm tempted to tell you to find someone who won't do all this push and pull. It seems like you've posted before about her irrational behaviors. Isn't it getting tiresome?

Yes I have posted about her before. I actually broke up with her at one point because of her really moody behavior. That was about a month ago. She cried pretty bad about it and we decided she'd go off birth control to see maybe thats why she was acting distant then not, all that moodiness seemed to be caused by it because she went off of it a month ago and has been the sweetest and most stable she's ever been. (and I've read about birth control causing some serious moodiness and depression/anxiety in some women and shes never had good results with any bc that she tried)
Incidently thats where we been spending less time together at a time, 1 night instead of 2 nights in a row. And the second that we tried 2 nights again this weekend she slightly freaked out, but not nearly as bad as before where she would shut off and be distant. This time when we talked she was still calling me sweet names etc. But it seems like I'm narrowing down the problem to that she wants to see me more often but in shorter bursts of time which makes sense to me even as I myself get tired of being around her for 2 days in a row every minute of it lol.
I'm going to propose to go back to 1 night per visit and maybe 1 visit during the weekdays. Because thats what seemed to be working before. And she is a great girl, we have everything in common and we click great and have the best sex ever, even she says so. I know she's worth the work, but she's just in a weird place it seems in her life. (quarter life crisis as she called it, job switching, house payments going up etc)

I just think I have to be there for her for support and let her know theres no pressure, as opposed to being just another stress in her life right now. And I feel that spending all that time together in such big blocks at a time makes her feel like it's much more serious of a relationship than it is yet. (sharing space and sleeping in the same bed for multiple nights in a row is like living together/marriage stuff)
28-10-08, 09:29 AM
starbuck

Yes, maybe she just needs her space. Are you ok with this? If you feel like it's not that big of a compromise for you, then it sounds like you're making the right decision. It all depends on how serious you want to get with her.
28-10-08, 09:45 AM
CompletePimp

Quote:

Originally Posted by starbuck [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Yes, maybe she just needs her space. Are you ok with this? If you feel like it's not that big of a compromise for you, then it sounds like you're making the right decision. It all depends on how serious you want to get with her.

Oh it's fine. We been doing it the last 1.5 months with less time and thats when it was all perfect. Except that she's then been telling me how much she wants to see me during the week and how much she misses me. So that's why I want to throw in the one visit during the week. I think that will suffice to us spending enough time with each other to grow closer, yet not too much at a time for her to freak out.