After 3 weeks of "No Contact", my ex emailed me today... Advice?

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22-12-12, 05:24 AM
love&otherdrugs

After 3 weeks of "No Contact", my ex emailed me today... Advice?

So, for starters, we broke up a month ago. I tried in the week following to work things out and fix the relationship. I REALLY tried. The relationship really wasn't even that broken, or so I thought. I tried to communicate and work out a solution, but my ex just wasn't having any of it; he wanted to be single and free--point blank.

So, we began "no contact." I was the one who initiated it at first (he wanted to be friends and occasionally grab coffee, I said that wasn't possible on my heart), then he decided to say, "I'll contact you when I think we're both ready to communicate."

After that, we stopped talking. I deleted his number, erased his texts and emails, blocked him off of Facebook, unfollowed him on Twitter and Instagram. I noticed he began to detach on Instagram and Twitter, as well... he also began to speak to and add more girls on social networking sites.

Well, yesterday marked 3 full weeks of no contact. I have been proud of myself for adhering to it, though it's been difficult at times, wanting to talk to him and what not. But, when I woke up today, I had some strange intuition and feeling that he was going to email me. I shrugged it off and chalked it up to my optimism and nostalgia getting the best of me (since I know that he's traveling to see family today), and continued about my day.

Then, I opened my email to do some work (I'm telecommuting while being at home visiting family), and saw his name in my list of emails. I clicked on it in disbelief, and sure enough, he had emailed me. His email read:

Subject: Hi

Hey S***,

I just wanted to say happy holidays and I hope you're doing we'll. Your stepmom has my prayers, I hope she's okay.

Don't feel obligated to respond to this. I hope this doesn't upset you but I just wanted to wish you a merry Christmas. Take care of yourself.

J****

It took EVERYTHING in me to not only not respond to his email, but to not "check up" on him through social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter.

So now, I'm sitting here, racking my brain as far as what to do. It's not like he's trying to blatantly fix things in this email; I'm not even sure if he's necessarily trying to re-open the lines of communication, since he says "don't feel obligated to respond to this." So... what was the point?

I love this man with all of my heart. I would love for us to grow individually, separately, work out our own issues, and then reconnect and get back together in the long run. But, that's just a dream and a wish. Right now, I don't know what to do or how to react to this email, so as of yet, I've done nothing. It's only been 3 weeks of NC, 1 month since the breakup... Isn't it too soon to be sending stuff like this and chit-chatting?
22-12-12, 05:59 AM
Cerby

Yep. Don't respond. (I didn't even need to read your post to answer this one)
22-12-12, 06:45 AM
vashti

Good for you, for hanging in there! I don't think you should respond. All that will do is put you back to where you were 3 weeks ago, and make you have to start all over again.
22-12-12, 07:09 AM
love&otherdrugs

Quote:

Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Good for you, for hanging in there! I don't think you should respond. All that will do is put you back to where you were 3 weeks ago, and make you have to start all over again.

You're right. I didn't think of the unwinding it would do in regards to my "mending" process. I had been so busy trying to think about whether or not I wanted to open the lines of communication right now that I wasn't looking at the big picture.

I mean he said it himself, I'm not obligated to respond to it. Hopefully he'll understand.
22-12-12, 07:09 AM
searock

I actually think you should respond, some guys just don't get it unless you're explicit. You should tell him: "Merry Christmas to you too. Please don't contact me again unless it is to work things out between us as a couple." and then if he replies, don't reply. I think you should tell him explicitly that his "reaching out" is not appreciated, or else he might feel obligated to keep in touch for special occasions (like the holidays or birthdays etc), so as not to seem like a jerk.
22-12-12, 07:10 AM
love&otherdrugs

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cerby [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Yep. Don't respond. (I didn't even need to read your post to answer this one)

Haha, well I hope you read a bit anyway so you know the situation! But you're right, it's probably best not to respond. I just wanted to make sure that was a sound decision on my part, and I wasn't just thinking off of my hurt emotions (in other words, I didn't want to be ignoring him solely because I'm immature, and didn't want it to seem immature.)
22-12-12, 07:13 AM
love&otherdrugs

Quote:

Originally Posted by searock [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I actually think you should respond, some guys just don't get it unless you're explicit. You should tell him: "Merry Christmas to you too. Please don't contact me again unless it is to work things out between us as a couple." and then if he replies, don't reply. I think you should tell him explicitly that his "reaching out" is not appreciated, or else he might feel obligated to keep in touch for special occasions (like the holidays or birthdays etc), so as not to seem like a jerk.

This is part of the reason I was considering it, as well. About 3.5 days after we started "No Contact" (after a terribly truthful phone call where he admitted he fell out of love with me), he texted me saying "Hey. I had to get back on Facebook for some Denver networking. I'm sorry for our call on Thursday, I wish it were easier. That's all. Sorry to bother."

To which I responded, "Ok, please don't feel the need to contact me regarding things like this."

I think that's specifically why he said "I hope this doesn't upset you," because he knows I wasn't pleased to have a play by play on his actions regarding Facebook.
22-12-12, 07:21 AM
searock

He isn't in love with you and the only reason he is keeping in touch is because he feels guilty and he still cares about you (as is normal - he just isn't in love with you anymore). He is likely convinced that by contacting you from time to time for holiday greetings or just making sure you're OK, he's actually proving not to be a jerk. He hopes to redeem himself somehow (even though he has nothing to redeem himself for, it's not his fault he fell out of love), and to maintain a rapport with you instead of having to deal with the complete loss of you from his life.

This is why you need to spell it out to him - you do NOT want him to contact you anymore. What you told him last time didn't convey this message, you focused on his feelings rather than your needs. Tell him clearly that you don't want to be contacted anymore, unless it is to work things out.
22-12-12, 07:42 AM
vashti

I think you should just ignore him. He'll get the message without you saying it.
22-12-12, 07:50 AM
searock

Quote:

Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think you should just ignore him. He'll get the message without you saying it.

If he's mature enough, he will... otherwise he'll just contact her again as soon as another excuse comes up.
22-12-12, 08:03 AM
love&otherdrugs

Quote:

Originally Posted by searock [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

If he's mature enough, he will... otherwise he'll just contact her again as soon as another excuse comes up.

Well, he's already covered Christmas, so I've got at least those 4 next days to enjoy some peace and quiet. I suppose I'll wait for New Year's Eve, New Year's, and my birthday (January 2) to see if he gets the picture. He is pretty mature in taking hints, but emotions can make you do dumb things.

I suppose I'll ignore and keep quiet for now. If he continues to reach out again, I will at that point take searock's advice and tell him straight-forwardly to not contact me unless it's to work out things as a couple.

I think I can do this, my biggest worry, though, is that I'll seem like a bitch, insensitive, or not caring for not responding and not wishing him a merry Christmas or thanking him for praying for my stepmom. I hate always wanting to be nice :-(
22-12-12, 08:07 AM
vashti

Quote:

Originally Posted by love&otherdrugs [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I hate always wanting to be nice :-(

I hear ya! This is my Achille's heel, too!
22-12-12, 08:24 AM
love&otherdrugs

Quote:

Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I hear ya! This is my Achille's heel, too!

Isn't it just the worst? I think there's also the slightest part in me that was disappointed that he wasn't trying to rekindle anything :-/
22-12-12, 09:52 AM
vashti

Quote:

Originally Posted by love&otherdrugs [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Isn't it just the worst? I think there's also the slightest part in me that was disappointed that he wasn't trying to rekindle anything :-/

Better to leave HIM trying than you.
22-12-12, 09:58 AM
love&otherdrugs

You're right. I want to be kind and make him believe I've moved on in a response, but thats just not possible right now.

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