How do I find happiness in my situation?
Gonna try to post it again, since the first time I tried it got rejected or smth, dunno why.
First of all, sorry for my grammar, you may find some errors in my text, english isn't my native language and it's pretty far away from perfection.
But yeah, to the point. You're probably getting these kinds of questions pretty often. Im going to dive through them after I leave my post here.
I'm lonely, 22 year old person that deals with social anxiety, panic attacks and depression. I've never been in a relationship with anyone.
For 5 years now, Im in love with my only friend, that I met when I was teenager and then *sic!* I found myself working with her. So I talk to her everyday, she's the only one that I guess understand me and truly treat me like I'm not someone worse. I know her pretty well too, we meet a lot beside the work, we text each other everyday, we talk, we spend time together. We're friends.
But there is no way I can ever be with her. Period. I'm not good enough to support her, I'm doing my best but it would never be enough, enough to create a healthy relationship that is more than just a friendship. There's nothing I can offer to her, I'm depressed, it's pretty hard to live with me, I know that for sure, we had to take little breaks during our relationship, I was just too egoistic and couldn't help it at the time. Even on the sexual sphere I'm f*cked. (lol)
I had issues with my genitals, which occured to real health problems and cuz of that, I practically got robbed of my abillity to have sex. And I dunno if there's much I can do about it. I mean, there's probably a surgery way to get back at least half of the things that my private parts are missing, but it would be really expensive and I can barely manage to live with job I have now.
So there's nothing I can give her in serious relationship, I can't give her physical love, I can't give her support to all the mental asspects that she need, I'm simply bad. And I know that person like her deserve much better. But I can't get over it.
I can't just stop talkin to her, throw our friendship away, I need to learn how to get over the fact that I would never be with her and try to enjoy what I got left, which is her support and amazing relationship that she's given me for now. How do I do that?
I've been through talks with psychologists, even few, but I don't feel like that changed anything. I tried meds, tried other psychologists, psychiatrists, nothing worked. And I can't just lose her, I deal with a lot of stuff and she's my only support.
I got no family since few years (they died, that's when my problems started kicking in) and I got noone but her. She's the only light in my life. I had some hobbies or interests but they slowly fade away, nothing makes sense anymore. I don't even know why am I here.
And I don't wan't you to feel sorry for me, I don't wan't anyone to feel sorry for me, I'm just tired. And I don't know what to do.
I can't talk to her about it, I mean, she would not leave me right away but that would destroy our relationship or at least change it pretty bad. And I don't wan't that. I wan't change to come from me and all I need is to understand how to get over it and just enjoy her presence as long as I can.
I really wish her the best, but when he dates someone I just can't get over anger and sadness. Jealousy is the only thing I feel then and I don't wan't that. I feel dirty and egoistic.
I love her so much.
How do I live on without losing my mind?
