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My sisters boyfriend, common-law ( not sure what he is???) I mentioned a guy she was roomies friends with years ago driving us all to a funeral and she promptly feels the need to tell him that guy was just a friend, no one she dated ( who cares, this guy was 8 years before she even met this current guy) Odd? JUST MAKING A THREAD BECAUSE NO NEW PEOPLE ARE JOINING.
So is that a real story, then, or did you just make it up to give us all something to do? LOL!Quote:
Originally Posted by mellyann [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Assuming this is an actual story where you really wanted opinions...
I'll be honest. I don't think that is enough for us to really form a solid opinion. I DO agree that it is kind of weird she felt the need to interject that. Especially if she just volunteered the information out of nowhere and for no apparent reason. That would almost lead me to think he HAD been someone she dated.... or that she dated around A LOT but didn't want him to know that.
Who knows? Neither of those things could be true... but when you say things like that out of nowhere, it often makes me think of Hamlet. "The lady doth protest too much, methinks." LOL!
I don't know if it is a red flag, necessarily. At least not by itself, not unless there are other reasons for concern.
We all should make second accounts and fill the website with new posts until it gets back to normal activity...
Is your sister a gal who has cheated in the past? and this guy she is with knows it, or maybe he is very jealous and needs reassurance that it wasn't a man she had sex with it, just a friend. I think it could be a red flag that he is insecure and jealous.
I agree with dollhouse. That was the first thing that came to my mind...he is insecure and gets jealous when her past comes up. Also, if they are common law, they have been together for a while. Is this something you are just noticing?
Thank you for replying - TheEvilJester, dollhouse and SnowWhite.
TheEvilJester - Yes, is a real topic, I wanted to make one, not about myself and that was something regarding my sister and her guy I found strange. I sat behind them, we were in their SUV at the time, I was in the back seat with my niece and I casually broke up a recollection from the past that applied to the current and she felt the need to explain away that the guy mentioned was ONLY a friend, the guy was also a friend to me and a common friend my sister and I have. Odd she felt the need to say that, was she worried, him jealous, something strange going on between them?
dollhouse - Yes, she had this guy as her backup during her marriage, it was between this guy and other guy and she married other guy for WRONG reasons ( money -take care of her and that marriage exploded) and she clawed back to this guy so there is a weird history there. Other guy she was married to was jealous/possessive on other men as well. Wondering if okay here it starts again?
Snow White - They have been off and on for several years, he was living overseas for most of it and recently moved to our country. They still seem to have no marriage plans though. Yes, I never noticed he was insecure before, so makes me wonder if my sister isn't up to old tricks and has a new back up in the wings incase this goes south too. I couldn't assess which was the issue, him or her because why'd she jump at saying so and so was only a friend, we never dated. Made me feel awkward. They were silent for several minutes after too.
Oh, that is a good point, so thanks to dollhouse and Snow for that one. When somebody is so quick to interject information that seemingly otherwise didn't really need to be said, it is often hard not to think it is because of their own guilty conscience. But, that is true that it could maybe be her over-compensating for HIS over-inflated jealousy/paranoia.
Though, given more of the story Mellyann has shared, I can kind of understand it if he had some trust issues with her. ...At least initially. Didn't you say it has been like 8 years? And that was 8 years before she met her current fella. How long has she been with the current guy? Because, given the details you shared (that she was kind of with him AND another guy and ultimately chose the other guy.... only to later regret it and go back to him when that failed) I cannot blame him AT ALL if he was a little reluctant to trust her..... AT FIRST.
Because, no matter what she may have done in the past, if she continues to prove completely trustworthy now, then she doesn't deserve to continue to be punished for past crimes. ...On the other hand, if she has continued to prove she's NOT necessarily the most trustworthy partner... then that's a different story.
Hi, Jester.
She almost immediately replied that comment back, barely a breath between me speaking to her replying that and looking towards him when she said it, and I registered a what's going on here in my mind. I wouldn't say my sister is trustworthy but I honestly do not think she is physically cheating but cannot know if she is emotionally cheating with an online person as a place saver. Since this guy was a place saver/back up maybe that is where is paranoia stems? You lose them how you get them fear?
This place is quiet because everyone is over at the L Shack.
Smackie09 ...oh hell yeah it is, I thought it was quiet my last visit but this is crazy quiet now...I haven't gone to another website, probs most who post in OTs here have not either but Snow and Jester, Glyc and Hoo may have? Idk.
- - - Updated - - -
Mellyann ... Yep, he knows and has seen his future so he is being cranky now expecting what will eventually be his fate. I hate when people keep backups, it actually ruins the current relationship because you are already one foot out the door.
I haven't gone anywhere else.
I'm not on any other relationship advice forums, why would anyone need to post on two duplicate type websites, anyhow? If this one goes down, oh well. I won't seek another out.
@Dollhouse - I think you hit the nail on the head with that last comment. TBH, I now cannot stand being around the two of them and my niece says repeatedly she does not like him, but she also says she hates her real dad, so I thought it was just a thing she does but now I wonder.
Well, that wasn't my question, though. I was more asking how long ago was all the drama you mentioned? The stuff you mentioned about her being with him and some other guy at the same time.... then ultimately choosing the other guy over him.... only to later think it was a mistake and go back to him? How long ago did all that happen?Quote:
Originally Posted by mellyann [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Because if that was, like, a few months ago then I could absolutely understand him having trouble trusting her. If it was YEARS ago, then he should have gotten over it by now... unless she's continued to prove untrustworthy. Though, truth be told... if she HAS continued to prove untrustworthy, it would probably be better for him to end things. Why stay with somebody you can't trust?
If it has been a while and she has remained trustworthy... then the problem is him. You can't continue to punish somebody for past crimes if they've moved past it. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't blame him if he can't get past it even if she IS trustworthy now... but if you can't then you are both better off just moving on.
On a side note:
I'm very much trying not to leave this site. But, it is looking more and more inevitable that I may have no choice. It's like I've said in other threads... I will and have put up with a lot. I'll power through all the spam bull crap and try to help keep this site afloat..... but when there suddenly starts to be basically NO activity... there's not much we can do there.
Threads generally eventually reach a stopping point where people stop having any comments to add. If we aren't getting any new threads there will slowly be nothing left to talk about here. I may eventually have no choice but to go join the LoveShack.
I've not gone to another website either, to echo others. Just was away and then sick.
I recall you saying things about this? sister before, I don't think she knows how to have a successful relationship because she is probably way too self-involved invested and is always looking over the current guys shoulder for the next one. It wasn't right she made you feel like you did or said anything wrong in that situation. Does the almost? BIL ever privately talk to you? Are you close to him at all?
TheEvilJester - Yes, they have been together, apart and in this country for a long time. But, never got married, he recently told another family member years ago they tried to have a baby, guess she was trying to trap him like she tried to trap 1st husband by getting parent because his parents were rich. But he has always known her backstory from others and the truth and ignored everyone on it, so atm I no longer feel sorry for him, he knew and ignored the warnings/signs.
lovebroken - no, not close with him at all, he drove me over to theirs for Christmas last year and that's it, when dad died he didn't even call or send me a card of condolences. No, I am sure myself, aunt and cousin are 3 off-limits by my sister for him to privately chat with because we all know her secrets. LoL
I think if someone is warned and people express care for the other person who is dating a family member and the family members know their sibling daughter, niece grandaughter, cousin the most and when a dating partner ignores the warnings I would say let him twist in the wind on this. He thought he knew best, and didn't and maybe thought he could change her and couldn't. Her relationship is her problems, I would just let them work it out or go separate ways. From what you last typed it doesn't sound like he cares too much about your feelings, so mirror that back.
Thank you, topazlight. I am thinking hard line not giving a shit should be my newly adopted attitude for 2019. My sister caused my parents a lot of stress and I think helped put dad into an early grave, with her sick cat and all and hand constantly out and leeching /living off. He didn't help my dad out once, only spent for her to get gifts, hair done and trips to the UK over the years.
You know, I would still have SOME sympathy for him if he was warned about her and chose to proceed with the relationship anyway. For a number of reasons. Firstly, you can't always believe it for sure when people say stuff like that. How was he to know if people were exaggerating or possibly even lying to him? If perhaps she was innocent and just a victim of bullying/BS rumors?
Secondly, everybody makes mistakes. I could understand him being warned by others but thinking she still deserved a chance to prove she had changed/could change.
Where I have a little less sympathy for him is given the fact that you say they've been together for years. At some point, if somebody is bad for you/if the warnings people gave you ring true... there comes a time when you need to wake the heck up and realize you deserve better. Even so... I'll admit that I can still understand and sympathize a little.
Who among us hasn't been in a relationship that at least some part of them knows they should end... but for at least a while they stick it out? Even past when they should. I'm sure that is something most of us have experienced at some time. So, I can sympathize a little bit if she's no good for him and yet he stays with her. ...Again, to a degree. Because, eventually, if you keep allowing somebody to treat you poorly then it starts to become a situation where you are partially allowing it to continue.
Anyway... all that said, I would agree with the general consensus on what you should do.... which is pretty much nothing. Why let yourself be dragged into their drama? Maybe they'll get their S straight. Maybe they'll stay together and finally make it work. Maybe they'll split up and be better for it. Maybe they'll split up but neither of them will learn a damn thing from the experience. Who knows?
Sometimes you can help loved ones with something like this. But... sometimes there are times to know when it isn't worth your own misery. It isn't worth letting yourself be dragged into it because it probably won't help them and it will only serve to make you miserable too.
Best of luck to you. Best of luck to them as well. Even if they may be partially or even fully to blame for their own misery, I still wish them the strength to finally grow up and put an end to it. For their own benefit as well as those around them.