Deeply hurt .. and feeling foolish *long ...venting
He inboxed me on my bday in 2015’.. I fell for him early, he was charming, funny, different… BUT odd and inconsistent, a man wanted by many women, I shouldve known better. I dont like often and love even rarely.. I was at the tail end of getting over a bad rship that took me nearly 10 yrs for me to let go of. Smh.. I am odd. I love BIG, rarely and I feel things deep, and I hurt even deeper, it takes me forever to get over someone. I wish I wasnt this way.
He was into me in the beginning, then he wasn’t… then he was… then he wasnt.. we had sex on his bday in 16'.. and a date end of last yr, A DISASTER btw.. he referred to us in yrs prior at one point as" friends that care about each other, but we flirt" smh... and I played along with this madness, back n forth, hot cold behavior for almost 3 yrs.. playing the friend role, engaging and eating up words of love YES, he said he loved me via text several times actually, but it was said “I love you”, bouts of flirtation, sexual innuendos etc; and the sex the ONE time I hoped it would eventually evolve into more.. that he would want me as more than just a friend*.
I was supportive, always there as a friend, giving, loving, kind.. I tried everything to get closer bridge the gap between us.. nothing worked. HE DID NOT WANT ME.. but he played with me, used/manipulated my body & emotions, and I willingly let him, and loved him and still do.. and I still want him back its SICK. He has a new girlfriend now first one in yrs he was anti rship for so long.. now he is ALL in... timing is EVERYTHING, she seems to adore him, she could be the one, I am jealous AF.. I want him to be happy I dont wish him bad, even though he was not right in actions with me.. but I am deeply sad because its not me he's with.. he didnt want me ... I am devastated and deeply hurt struggling to let go... and further cant/WONT let on that I am affected because we were JUST FRIENDS after all... we remain social media cool, I will not unfriend which would elude to my having emotions, he will never know as far as I am concerned that I am dying inside from this madness.. I have taken a step back from social media & events however.. I dont want to see it or him/her i cant do it and play the unaffected "friend" right now. My heart & mind is soooo messed up right now, its taking a toll on my health and everything.. I made a mistake, he is not the good man I thought he was but a user/manipulator and an opportunist. I was foolish.. but I didn’t get to this crazy space all on my own. He was WRONG in actions towards me. And I loved him… really loved him FOOLISH me. Another hurtful lesson learned.,. at almost 46 I am done with love, once I get past this hurt… no more. I cant go through this again.
